“Hey...Dad?” I said timidly, approaching my father. He was sitting at the table, just like every morning, drinking his coffee and flipping through the Saturday morning newspaper. Somehow this didn't feel like a normal morning though. Not after what happened last night.

“Yes, son?” he replied, glancing at me from the corner of his eye, then returning to the paper in front of him. He was a man not easily distracted. Of course, the advantage to that was when you did get his attention, it was undivided.

“Something weird happened last night...while I was asleep.”

He still seemed uninterested. “Well, what happened?”

“Well...I was dreaming about something....and when I woke up...”

His air of nonchalance melted into one of genuine concern. He put down his paper, slowly removed his glasses and turned to face me. “Go ahead, son, you can tell me anything,” he said.

I took a deep breath. Was this something I should be telling my father? Was this something I should be telling anyone at all? A movie played out in my head – me telling Dad, him recoiling in horror, as if I were suddenly something less than human.... I snapped out of it before I let my mind wander too far. I had to tell him.

“....When I woke up....I was floating above my bed shooting meteors out of a sword.”

He looked oddly relieved. “Oh...” he started.

“I don't even own a sword!” I yelled, dumbfounded and maybe a little angry at his seemingly uncaring reaction.

Dad stood up from his chair, knelt down next to me, and whispered in a conspiratorial fashion, “Neither did I.”

“H-huh?” I stammered. “Y-you mean...you...”

“Happens to all of us at some point,” he confided. “Different ways for different people, though. Your mother used to fly into blind rages when we were first dating, punching and kicking everything in sight. Your Uncle Roy used to dive bomb people with spears.” I stood there, mouth agape. “Seems like you're a chip off the ol' block!” he exclaimed, thumping me on the back proudly. “It'll take some time, but you'll be able to control it soon.”

Dad went back to his chair, picked up his coffee and paper, and went on like nothing had happened. Still processing the conversation, I turned to go back upstairs when I remembered something.

“Hey...Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“My room is kind of...a crater.”

“No biggie. We'll get you new things, patch up the holes. It'll be fine.”

“....I also think I killed the cat.”

“....Don't tell your sister.”

[i]Below you will find a partial transcript of an evening a couple of years ago where one of my brothers and I sat down to play a bunch of games. At the time we decided to liveblog our experience. The blog it used to be on is long since dead, so I figured I'd post it here for posterity's sake. There's really nothing remotely intelligent or terribly funny in here.

P represents me, A represents my brother, and H is our roommate who chimes in occasionally. We really intended to play through the entire collection of ROMs, but never did get through the A's.[/i]

Our story thus far…

Heroes A and P have embarked on an epic journey to play every ROM on a massive NES Dreamcast ROM disc. Starting at 9:30 pm on Friday Feb. 29th, 2008, it is currently 10:42 pm, and they have progressed to The Adventures of Lolo 2. Let’s look in…

P: Lolo has really fuckin’ big eyes. And he’s cross-eyed!

A: There’s probably something I’m not doing here…. That fuckin’ armadillo is gonna get free…Trapped! trapped motherfucker. Oh I can walk over the chest. Very good.

P: Some beer might have to be had.

A: WHAT?! WRAP IT UP? (of an unceremonious death). That’s what she said.

P: Alright moving on…(A takes over blog).

P: Alright, Adventures of Lolo 3. OH SHIT! There’s a world map. Where am I going, there’s a big motherfucking castle I can’t go into. It’s level 3, I can’t go in there. Oh shit there’s dudes in the windows.

A: WHAT?

P: Level 1. Oh yes (takes down level 1) Fucking slug monster. You can’t handle me (takes them out )

P: Oh shit. (dies) I jut got eaten by a fucking slug monster. (He continues to get the shaft from a porcupine shooting spikes)

A: Sooting, I laugh at my own typo.

P: It’s….y-yyou can’t avoid th fucking shit balls. (groan)

P: I can’t get that on down there…..

A: you can block that shit. (He continues to struggle on floor 5)

P: I’m an idiot, I’m a cunt bag. (A reasonable response to another death)

P: I still don’t understand why I’m Lala! Who am I saving?

A: Lolo?

P: No, he’s waiting outside.

(A roommate offers advice…..which leads to another death)

P: Oh, that’s pretty gay. I almost got smoked by an armadillo.

P: O hit I’m out of egg….gunk.

(We argue over how he could have gotten out of it…..he commits suicide)

(A long silence)

(A winner is him)

A: What the fuck is this?

P: Aright, level 1 of Adventures of Lolo 3 has been completed…CAn I switch to Lolo?

P: Fuck me (Yet another genius death, followed by another)

(and another)

P: Alright, I’m pretty stupid.

A: Come on now.

P: (death, followed by a deep breath and a quick soft reset)

Adventures of Lolo (list in alphabetical order)

H: The main character’s name in Lufia II will be Drugs.

A: Wrap it up

A: These are the exact same graphics.

P: June used to play this one all the time.

A: “Them ducks keeps gettin’ me”

P: That dragon looks really happy.

A: He’s probably on Meth. Oh shit me….oh wake up (to a sleeping enemy) SUicide! The Lufia II music is awesome. Adventures of Lolo is fuckin’ bomb dig. Lolo is drunk…

P: What would a blue puffball drink?

A: Mint Julip.

P: Mint Julip? Why?

A: Don’t you know anything about Physics? My theory is, Skinner likes dog food. Suicide time. Eat it. Oooh stairs.

P: Apparently “this is not the end of the battle” Game over.

Adventures of Rad Gravity

P: OH THIS GUY IS RAD! LOOK AT THAT JERRY CURL!

(Apparently there is planet Siberia that has teleproters that Rad Gravity needs to get to “continue his quest”)

P: Fuck I upped the frame rate.

P: That guy’s arm is swinging around AWFUL fast. Alright I cant hurt him, whatever.

P: The enemies are actually moving to the beat of the music, they are getting down. Rad Gravity is so rad that his punches split people into 4 parts.

(Dies)

P: Oh that is NOT RAD at all.

P: I can’t go down to the planet Effluvia.

A: How do you spell Effluvia?

P: Back to Siberia. Oh, this…this is epic.

P: Oh…OH!(Avoiding the barrage of twirling fists)

P: THAT GUY IS FLOATING! And I just fucked him up.

P: OH YEAH, I just killed the arm guy. The floating guy looks lik he is wearing a moo moo and has floating legs and his moo moo is levitating him.

P: Aww my score just sky rocketed for some reason/

P: Mu mu is m-u m-u.

A: Whatever.

P: Rad Gravity is too Rad for me.

Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle

A: I’m whippin’ bombs

P: Boris looks like a pedophile.

A: Yeah I’d jump his bones.

P: Bullwinkle looks like he’s in blackface when he dies .

A: I wish Snidley fuckin’ Titlash would go away

P: It’s not Snidley Whiplash…that’s Dudley Dooright’s Archnemesis

Adventures of Tom Sawyer

Too epic for words.

A: We should make nachos soon.

P: You got fucked by a fatass.

P: I have a red hat an you have white hat. Oh fuck i got smoked by a barrel….ohhh…Im crying over my homework.

P: That fat ass jumps when you jump….and that’s game over.

A: I gotta piss.

Advanced Dungeons: Dragon Strike

P: Oh, we have a message on our Wii?

P: Do I want a gold silver or bronze dragon. What’s h for? Hard on? I’m gonna go with a gold dragon. Select difficulty….yeah, Hard.

P: How is this a dungeons and dragon’s game? Where are the dungeons?

A: How are you still surviving on hard?

P: I’m just fucking flying around. Alright….apparently dragon’s spring when they die.

A: Your keyboard sucks.

P: Your mom sucks.

P: Ok! I actually got one.

A: Why did you just become big?

P: Because I’m flying low and high…..and I died again. Alright this game is trash.

AD&D: Heroes of the Lance

P: Oh…there’s 4 AD&D games….and they’re all shit

A: Goldmoon? Sturm? Riverwind? Tanis? TASSLEHOFF?

P: Don’t Tassle the Hoff.

A: Flint, Caramon, Raistlin ….Oh shit…

P: You picked Raistland

H: This game is trash you’re gonna go nowhere fast.

A: Whatever that bitch’s name was, she’s dead. I think I’m FLint now…I just stabbed that person and they exploded…Look at this dance. (ducks and un-ducks repeatredly). Yang from FF4 is kicking my in the shins….(various invectives…..lots of swearing) Oh I got a guy. Yang is still here though.

P: When he gets hit it looks like he’s thrusting his pelvis …

A: I’m surrounded…Yangs are hard to kill

P: I think you’ve survived long in this game than anyone who’s played it…

A: I’m gonna axe this guy in the knees….. how am I still alive

P: You’re down to your last guy…

A: I”m pretty sure I’ve been going in circles….this is the worst game I’ve ever played…

P: This music is a hot jam though.

A: Oh I died.

AD&D: Hillsfar

A: Why would you ride a character?

P: Generate a character. Alright I’m going hafling. Female halfling. (I would like to point out at this time, that the plethora of classes in this game (for a female hafling) tops an insurmountable Fighter, Theif, and the all time favorite….the Fighter-Theif)

P: OH, alignment. Obviously Chaotic Evil.

A: Name her something stupid. (He proceeds to name her “Shitcock, the female halfling, chaotic evil, fighter-theif.)

P: Saving character….

P: SHITCOCK!

P: Apparently I don’t know the controls.

A: That is one slow ass gravity horse.

P: No check it I’m in a gallop. (We laugh as he bails off his horse in a pit) (He arrives at the city of “Hillsfar”)

(There was nothing there)

P: Explore and exit before you are discovered. (He proceeds to enter and try to pick a locked door He failed as somehow none of the keys worked.) (He tries another door and reailizes he broke them all on the first chest)

P: Alright…we’re done.

AD&D Pool of Radience

A: Baba O’Reilly is the theme song. I will be a Female Elf Fight/Magic User/ Thief ….Chaotic Neutral

P: Strength 15…not bad

A: Name….Shitcock will fit….I’m gonna have to go with SHITCOCK…Nice grammar videogame…

P: Environ…go to Environ

A: Begin Adventure! A man approaches…I’m Rolf…

(The game is a 1st person RPG with shit-brown colouring)

A: I’m done.

After Burner

A: Helllllloooo

P: Yes! Top-down shmup!

A: No! 3D!

(Behind the back fighter jet game)

A: I’m crashed into…I’m gonna assume the Pacific

(With “Pacific” we reached 1337 words…we are leet.)

A: I’m getting a headache watching this.

AirWolf

P: This is going to be wicked. Ok, your general is a guy with an eyepatch by the looks of it….or a really poorly shaded face. What was that? The graphics are terrible. Apparently I can’t let these people down.

A: Holy Fuck. That shit’s intense

P: I’m shooting tumours. I died. LOOK YOU MISSED IT AGAIN! Wait for it, it looks like a lamb on top of a wolf, on top of a native…totem….. I think I’m killing my guys…yeah I am, and more tumours.

A: I can’t wait to see that llama shit. (he dies) WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

P: Where is my health? There it is….oh that’s pretty stupid.

P: HOT JAMS (bouncing in time with the monotonous tick tick tick of the gun shots)

P: LOW FUEL? Nobody told me I had to refuel.

P: Alright we’re done.

Air Fortress

P: YOu are approaching the first air fortress….alright that’s cool, can I play? Oh yes, bring it on assholes.

P: So I look like a gay spaceman uhhhh…riding a surfboard…in space. And I’m shooting spinning capitol Is.

P: Oh, I’m getting of my..surfboard. YOu are now entering the air fortress.

A: What the Christ?

A: Did you die?

P: Nope, I’m going further into the air fortress.

A: You have a jetpack?

P: Yeah.

A: You can kill those.

P: I guess so.

P: But killing the cylin…oh I can’t kill the cylinders….This is actually not terrible.

A: Kill that moth. ( he does so, and gets an “E” which I can only assume is Ecstacy, the drug)

P: I believe I have reached a dead end. Oh no, ok. Alrigh that’s mother brain apparently. (I laugh at the resemblence)

P: Alright I killed motherbrain. aaaand now I’m fighting the eye of Sauron.

P: And it doesn’t do anything Woah I killed it, everything’s dark and the music has changed, AND I GOT MY SURFBOARD BACK. FUCK!! (He is speeding through a tunnel)

P: I beat the first Air Fortress, yeah that was fucking wicked.

P: Awwww a windmill killed me.

A: ahahah

P: Ohhh….game over? Oh no Aright moving on. Ar Fortress is actually not terrible.

Alfred Chicken

A: I thought this was on the SNES

P: It was on everything

H: There’s a Super Mario World hack that uses these graphics

A: Oh come on I jumped and fluttered, what more do you want? I died at the first…let’s try this again. I got it now. Don’t worry, crisis averted.

P: It’s almost midnight and we’re not through the A’s…

A: Do you have to like power up your jumps or something? Come on Alfred Chicken ….You bastard get up on that cheese. The first level consists of a block of cheese you can’t jump over. What does that balloon do. That I would actually like to know. And that fucking mouse got me again.

So apparently this game is impossible….what did I just do? I can totally…I tried to dive peck him but it didn’t work.

(Kills first enemy with a dive peck)

50 points bitches! That balloon apparently does nothing. This game would be wicked if I could figure out how the jumping system worked.

Alien 3

P: That is one DRIPPING alien. So, b is jump and a is gun, that is highly unintuitive. Well, and Alien killed me. Nope ust knocked me down…….oh it knocked me down again.

P: It makes a “you’re dead noise” every time you get knocked down. You clearly have a life meter. That’s annoying. I only have 30 bullets left.

A: This looks like Contra

P: Ehhh, it’s kind of a free roaming contra.

P: I think I’ve hit a dead end. I have grenades (A sudden realisation)

P: …..and a flamethrower, and a gun, which is out of bullets, and a…shotgun I guess? And…grenades. Ummm, still at a dead end.

A: There you go climb up the ladder.

P: This is where I came from. UH! Ok, now we’re making some progress. (after a switch reveals a path)

P: If you hold jump, he keeps jumping.

P: Apparently I’ve rescued 2 p-…time up, you failed to rescue….well then, moving on.

Alien Syndrome

P: I got Process Cheese Product on my computer.

A: That you did.

A: Alien Syndrome...

So Eurogamer was this past weekend, and I had a fantastic time with the Dtoid UK folks. There's a recap of the shenanigans right here.

I also had a great time at the show. Here's what I played and what I thought about what I played.

Star Trek Online



Finding this was my first order of business. I've been excited about this game since it was announced. Judging by the short demo on display this weekend, I think my excitement is justified.

The demo started with a bit of space combat. You are a medium-sized Federation starship of an unknown class -- probably something new for the game -- and you must defeat two Klingon ships in orbit of a planet the Klingons are invading. The combat controls were basic but satisfying: there's a lock-on button, and there's a fire button. The spacebar fired all weapons at once, photon torpedoes and phasers, but I believe there was an option for firing them independently. You can also control the ship's speed using a sliding throttle at the bottom-left of the HUD. Overall the combat was simplistic but smooth. The lock-on button helped keep enemies on-screen and in view, so as not to lose them in the vast reaches of 3-D space. My hope is that the final game will include upgradeable ship weapons and the like, to flesh out the space bits a little.

An away team then beams down to the planet to deal with any Klingons on the surface. You control the ship's captain and the rest of the team is controlled by the AI. If there were any squad-control options present I didn't see them. This works well for me however, as I'm not a huge fan of micromanagement. I'd rather the AI handle most of the heavy lifting while I focus on my own character. After killing a bunch of Klingons and investigating the situation on the planet, I found my way to a giant portal claiming to be the master of time or some crap. Talking to the portal reset the demo. I don't know if it was just a device to end the demo or some part of the storyline. We'll have to wait and see.

Overall, STO was about what I expected. The basic mission structure seems to function well, and the combat is fun. The demo pretty much just piqued my interest. I can't wait to actually see how it functions online and how you work with and/or against other players.

New Super Mario Bros. Wii



Not much to say for this one. I played with three other players on the first two levels. It's typical Mario platforming only with four players. For me it was actually a little chaotic. When people spread out across the screen it zooms out, a la Super Smash Bros. and that kind of irks me. Makes it hard to see the action. That's just a minor complaint about an otherwise solid looking game though. Give me a Wii, three friends and few hours and I'm sure I'll fucking eat it up. Loves a bit of Mario, sure.

God of War III



This was one of the highlights of the show for me. I didn't get through the demo myself, but through waiting in line I did see all of it. If the entire game keeps up the demo's pace, you will be absolutely exhausted when you're done. It goes from one set piece into another quite seemlessly, and it's fun as shit. GoW is still the king of the Quick-Time Event. They're still fun to pull off in this game whereas they feel kind of tired elsewhere.

The combat seems to be generally the same: triangle is heavy attack and square is light attack, while circle grabs enemies. I think this falls under the category of "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." It's still slick and satisfying to slice enemies into tiny bits.

The very end of the demo has Kratos sprouting wings, and you navigating him through a tough looking series of obstacles. This bit looked a little gimmicky to me, but I'll reserve judgement until I actually play it.

Dante's Inferno



Holy God of War rip off, Batman! EA's not even trying to hide it. Judging by the demo on display, this is the same damn game, only greyer, and the hero is nowhere near as badass. He does sport a fancy looking scythe as his main weapon, but using it felt a little sluggish compared to Kratos's chained blades. To be fair, the God of War folks have had four games to tweak their formula.

The demo had the player fight this giant....thing....and then mount it to climb a couple of pillars that crumbled as you climbed. At the top were some demon babies and another...thing. I think the best way to describe the demo is "competent." It's OK, but why do we need this game when we already have God of War?

Bayonetta



This was another high point of Eurogamer for me. You play a woman with guns in her feet who wears suit made of her own hair, which also changes shape and disappears/reappears through use of different special moves. As if that weren't just the right kind of crazy, one of the demo levels had you fighting on a crumbling clock tower hurtling down the face of a cliff. I would play this one just for the sheer WTF factor, but I would stick around for the combat. It made me feel warm and happy, like everything was right with the world. I may have sprouted a semi.

My only complaint about Bayonetta was that sometimes it just got a bit too intense and I felt like I had lost control of what was going on. I was playing on Easy, so maybe it was just a product of the successful button mashing I was doing, but it was just a tad too chaotic sometimes.

Other stuff

I played some more stuff that I can't be bothered to write much about for one reason or another:

Fairytale Fights: Misleadingly graphic with shitty stick-based combat.
Borderlands: I don't do class-based shooters and this did nothing to change my mind.
Brutal Legend: Decent brawling, never did get to the RTS elements. I don't do RTS either.
Mario and Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story: Played two minutes, saw that it was just like its predecessors, put it on my "To Buy" list. Fucking solid.
Dragon Age: Origins: Sat down, was confused as fuck, left.
PSP Go: *facepalm*

So those are my impressions from Eurogamer in a nutshell. A lot of cool stuff was on display and I had a great time wandering, and even just watching some things being played. I've been playing far too much World of Warcraft lately, and I think Eurogamer got me excited about non-MMO gaming again. This can only be a good thing.

I sucked at the tit of Game Boy as a child. My brother got the shiny new NES when he was 7 and I was about 4, and I got stuck playing as Luigi forever after.

(Sidebar: I have actually developed an affinity for Luigi, but that's for another post.)

Anyway, my time came a couple of years later when I got my Game Boy for Christmas. I lapped up Tetris, Super Mario Land, Super Mario Land 2 and many more like a wino who's smashed his bottle on the sidewalk. But there's one game that I completely forgot about until this month's Monthly Musing topic came up: Penguin Wars.



This little beauty made my childhood a better place and a living hell at the same time. It's essentially Hot Potato, but with balls and animals instead of potatoes. Or heat. The object is, at the end of one minute, to have thrown more balls over to your opponent's side of the court than he has thrown to your side. Each player gets five balls. You can also win by getting all of your balls over to the other side. There was a minimal strategic element; you could charge your ball to unleash a shot capable of crippling your opponent for a short time, and as well there were sometimes obstacles in the middle of the court.



Simple by today's standards, but as a 6 or 7 year old, this was just the kind of fast-paced, button-mashing gameplay I was looking for. I didn't have to collect anything or manage hit points -- I just had to hit the buttons faster than the computer could.

And I got good at it. It took me a while, but I eventually beat all the game's challengers: the Rabbit, the Cow, the Rat, and the fucking Bat. I think my childhood temper can probably be blamed squarely on the shoulders of that Bat. Somehow my Game Boy was never harmed in the outrages that resulted. I was always the Penguin. Why wouldn't I pick him? His name's on the game for crying out loud, he must be the best one. I wonder if that bit of 6-year-old logic still applies today.

I literally spent hours pummelling the critters into submission. Landing a charge shot on the Bat was one of the great achievements of my childhood.

It was simple but it kept me out of my parents' hair for who knows how long. It's a shame this franchise seems to have disappeared. I'd buy some sort of XBLA or DS update in a heartbeat. It would have to be fleshed out a little, but that wouldn't be terribly difficult to do. It would be one example of the force-fed nostalgia that seems to be all the rage these days that I could get behind wholeheartedly.