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Why I'm Learn to Stop Worry And Mangasm - Destructoid

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HIRE ME GAME INDUSTRY. HIRE ME YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.

I am an aging man with starving children. I write blogs about video games. My favorite system is the Game Boy. I have three of them in my house; one in the shitter, one by my computer, and one in my pocket.

My aspiration in life is to not die. Runner up is writing and creating random bullshit related to my only hobby, which is games. I guess I read books too. But nobody cares about OLD MAN hobbies like that, so get outta town, GRANDPA!

My favorite game is Ecco the Dolphin. I like to speedrun it because it makes me feel like a big man, except when the credits run, which is where I usually reflect sadly upon the rest of my life. I love dick jokes and farts. Dickfarts.

I want to write for Destructoid some day, but the staff here are too smart to hire me. I need to find a clever way to trick a legitimate enthusiast site to pay me a small amount of money to do something for them or I can never happy.

But even then, I probably still won't be happy.

Such is life.

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When did the alternate title to Dr. Strangelove become such a popular thing to riff on, both in blogs here, and in articles on the internet abroad? Why was there a meal worm in my Game Boy Pocket, and why did it bother me enough that I wouldn't play it until I finally just opened the goddamn thing up and got rid of it? Why is Picross so addicting and why aren't more people constantly talking about it?

Today I'm doing an all purpose, general Mangasm. Like the kinds I used to do when I was a recapper, only less lucid or coherent because I've been up for like 24 hours and am starting to hallucinate flushing sounds in my head. I am writing it from start to finish, and at the end I'm going to jot down the approximate amount of time it took me just to make it absolutely clear what a brain dump it is.



There are so many questions I want to answer today, and since I am incapable of covering all of them, I'm going to answer approximately none of them. What I am going to do however is an off the cuff blog, for an off the cuff time; there are so many games piling on top of my to-do list that I literally can't figure out a way to sit down and play a single one of them. I really wanted to do some cohesive article style blog as is my usual style covering one topic, and the topic was going to be Picross. The risk in that is that the vast majority of anyone doesn't WANT to sit and read about fucking Picross for ten minutes while drinking their morning coffee or whatever, and the opportunity to say "balls" in tandem with other random curse words just wasn't coming up often enough in the process.

And since I'm all about that sort of thing, I found the perfect reason to say balls and fuck in the same sentence; Time and Eternity is out today, I had it preordered, and apparently it's a big stinking pile of fuck balls shit.

I really should have expected this. NiS is like the Peter Puppy of the games industry. It's cute, I want to protect it and give it my love, but occasionally it turns into a vicious screaming beasts and tears a chunk of flab off of my big meaty ass for trusting it to release good games. Japanese games are extraordinarily hit and miss, especially those of the RPG persuasion. That's not to say that Western development isn't exactly fucking the same, but the problem is that the games some companies choose to localize make me scratch my head sometimes. Time and Eternity isn't one of those, though; being as pretty as it is, and knowing the audience of anime fans who will invariably buy it regardless of its actual quality of a game, its no secret why its coming out. And even though it has been and is being reviewed with all the mercy and gentleness of a sledgehammer on fire, I remain hopeful that I can find something to salvage within the wreckage. I am truly a sucker for anime as an art style, specifically characters of a womanly persuasion, so much so that I have been tempted to buy games I couldn't even properly play just based on the art direction alone. It's sort of bizarre considering I don't like very much actual anime or manga, but there is a definite aesthetic appeal there for me, and Time and Eternity, at the very least, seems to focus entirely on that aspect of design alone, while completely abandoning any need to make a game that isn't an utter waste of time. A missed opportunity, but I hope it's alright.



Picross 3D. I have had to explain to a couple of people that, no, this is not a 3DS title, and yes, Picross is a thing, it's a thing that has been around for a very long time, and despite how utterly and dreadfully boring it looks, it is actually quite a lot of fun. Picross in 3D is a bit of a brain cruncher, and one that works a lot better as an experience if you have an understanding of how Picross works beforehand. I bought it new on Amazon for about ten bucks, and have seen it priced similarly in stores. This is all hot on the heels of my recent Picross discovery/addiction, which started with Mario Picross on the 3DS eshop on an incredibly boring Sunday afternoon, and which has led to me ordering a copy of Picross 2 for the Game Boy which was never released in Them Amurricas, dismantling the damn thing, and replacing the battery with a bit of electrical tape after it deleted my file about 20 or so puzzles in over a few nights at work. Picross 3D is an experience that is even more fun and addicting than its 2D counterpart, and I will definitely be picking up Picross E sometime just to support the idea of Picross as a thing, just for the fleeting chance that I might actually be able to play a sequel to Picross 3D in the eventual future; one that is actually IN 3D, and on the 3DS.



Do you want to know how many times I wrote "Picross" in the last paragraph? Because I don't.

Mega Man Unlimited is a difficult, frustrating asshole of a game, putting it right up there with just about every other Mega Man ever apart from 2, and helping it to win a spot in my heart well above 10, which I didn't like NEARLY as much as 9 or 3. Don't even get me started on 4, 5, 6, 7 or 8.

I recently ordered a PSP game on a total whim just because I heard from some vague source that it was a bullet hell shooter. Soreyuke! Burunyan-Man Portable is a bizarre little cute-em up with a distinctly ecchi theme (translated directly to English, it essentially means "girls what take they clothes off" or something) which is quite a bit of fun despite incredibly mundane level design, samey characters, and almost no variation of any kind whatsoever. It's pretty clear that it was made for one reason alone; to showcase a variety of uncumfortably underage looking girls in varying poses for whoever likes that kind of terrible shit, while slapping a half-assed but still pretty fun game on top of it. I have been pretty lucky buying random, weird looking games from importers, so while I would definitely not recommend this one unless you are a total SHMUP freak and need to own just about everything out there, or a fan of cute-em ups in general, I don't feel too bad having spent my money on it.



Steam sales, right? Amirite folks?

Fuck all that. I bought Rogue Legacy and RPG Maker, as well as Street Fighter IV Arcade. But I'm done with that shit. My wallet is as empty and limp as my sex life right now. Plus my Steam library is close to breaking capacity, and I just don't have the time to get to everything as it is.

I'm definitely in a gaming rut...buying too many games and not playing enough. I think graveyard shifts have made me desperately lonely and this is some kind of coping mechanism.

I have also decided that if I wear a cowboy hat and tuck my shirt in, I can build a persona as a kind of ironic, "shitty cowboy". I'll wear that hat everywhere, and if anyone even looks at it wrong, I'll give them an earful, as if it were some burden I cannot stand to bear, and have difficulty speaking about. Like the One Ring but forged by douchey rednecks instead of the Dark Lord of Mordor. I am dead serious, I really do plan to go through with this. I'll make sure to post pictures when I do.

But if any of you so much as mention it, I'll track you down and have you fucking murdered.

Twelve minutes.
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