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TheManchild's Guide to Canning - Destructoid




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About
HIRE ME GAME INDUSTRY. HIRE ME YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.

I am an aging man with starving children. I write blogs about video games. My favorite system is the Game Boy. I have three of them in my house; one in the shitter, one by my computer, and one in my pocket.

My aspiration in life is to not die. Runner up is writing and creating random bullshit related to my only hobby, which is games. I guess I read books too. But nobody cares about OLD MAN hobbies like that, so get outta town, GRANDPA!

My favorite game is Ecco the Dolphin. I like to speedrun it because it makes me feel like a big man, except when the credits run, which is where I usually reflect sadly upon the rest of my life. I love dick jokes and farts. Dickfarts.

I want to write for Destructoid some day, but the staff here are too smart to hire me. I need to find a clever way to trick a legitimate enthusiast site to pay me a small amount of money to do something for them or I can never happy.

But even then, I probably still won't be happy.

Such is life.

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Welcome to the wonderful world of Canning! This comprehensive guide offers the latest information to get YOU started in the enthusiast hobby of Canning, today!

But what is Canning, you might be asking yourself? Will this guide teach me to store delicious pickled vegetables in the basement next to the jars of severed hands floating in formaldehyde, just like Grandma used to do? The answer is both yes, and no; but mostly no. It is a common misconception that the Canning we describe in this book has anything remotely to do with the vaguely sinister act of staying up all night to store processed foods, although it is easy to see why the two terms are often accidentally confused with one another.

Canning is the act of playing Game Boy while on the toilet, typically while defecating, or while having an unusually long sit-down pee. Canning is a great way to pass the time, and is one of America's greatest pastimes! That is almost a play on words!



There are a few very specific rules that most Canning enthusiasts abide by, however. It is all too easy to fall into the typical trappings of your common, every day amateur Canner, (a person who Cans, or who engages in the act of Canning) and there are a few common mistakes one can make which will easily out them as a fake, or "faux" Canner, whom the Canning community lovingly refers to as "Can't-ers", a delightful slight which pokes fun at their misunderstandings of the Canning profession (See: C.A.N. League in index) with a tongue FIRMLY held in cheek. You don't want to be embarrassed, do you? You don't want to feel the hot lick of shame violently caressing the back of your neck as your peers and betters glower down at you from their perches above, their collective, hate filled gazes cutting through you like a butcher knife while you fall to your knees and quiver in shame. Well fear not! For this book professes knowledge of the practice of Canning, and such knowledge shall be delivered post-haste!

Section 1.1 - Starting Your Canning Journey By Ordering a Game Boy and Several Cartridges Through Ebay and Waiting for Them To Be Delivered VIA Freight or Aero Mail



The first step you must take if you want to partake in the long cherished tradition of Canning is to order a Game Boy and several games to play through Ebay or other similar auction websites, and simply wait for them to be delivered to your doorstep; the miracle of the modern age, crystallized and made real, before your very eyes! Expect to see a man, possibly a woman, and possibly hairy or smiling, delivering your package to the door in one to two hundred business days, depending on the type of delivery chosen, and the make, build, and method of propulsion used by the seafaring vessel you may have possibly chosen to deliver it to you.

Section 1.1(B) - Setting Up Your Canning Implements

Like the ritual chamber of a great Warlock, his ivory staff perched upon severed dragons claw, the room thick with the smell of goats blood and frankincense, you too must find a suitable chamber that will reflect your own personal Canning needs. The only rule you must abide by, as per the Doctrine Ex Cannus (Canprilex I Moratorium) is that your Canning implements and accompanying accoutrements be placed in a lavatory, or bathroom, or Yushi, depending on your country of residence. Without a Can there can be no Canning, and so you must ensure this vital step is taken in order to proceed with your newfound hobby. (Canning.) Once the room has been designated, a pinch of salt and down from a newborns head should be sprinkled upon the threshold of your chamber, your Game Boy set upon the counter next to the toilet, cartridge slot facing North. See "Section 8.6 - Hermetic Incantations" for a comprehensive listing of prayers written in Enochian to be used during your initial Canning session.

Section 2.0 - Raising the Dead

See: Section 5.0 - Resurrection

Section 2.1 - Mega Man 3 Is Very Difficult

A common mistake often made by new time Canners is purchasing Mega Man 3, also known as Rockman World 3, for their first game to play on the Can. The problem with this, and other stressful Game Boy titles, is the risk of colon rupture. Remember that episode of the Sopranos where that one guy died on the toilet? Don't play Mega Man 3.

Section 2.9 - Batteries



Like a contorted Mister Lemon wrestling a hot dog, Canning utilizes positively arcane, unearthly technology, and as such, the source from which it derives its power is equally outdated and difficult to find. Double A batteries have been written about in many historic records as a common way to power household items such as metal detectors and electric tie racks, but are much more difficult to find today. Before this very text was amended, we originally recommended using your metal detector to search for discarded, half used Double A batteries on a beach, or field. However, due to so many people needing the batteries just to power their metal detectors, there were obvious problems with this suggestion that we have since reconsidered.

Section A1 - Okay So I'm Taking a Shit And Playing Pokemon, What Now?

That's it! You are now officially a Canning enthusiast. We hope that Canning provides you many years of fun, enjoyment, and Canning in your future. So, as us self-proclaimed Canners often like to say to one another, we offer you a "Hey Canbro, Can you Can me another Can? I need to Can some Canning before the Can is all Can Can Can. Canned." and wish you GOOD LUCK on your CANNING JOURNEY.

GOD BLESS, AND GOOD LUCK.
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