I am an aging man with starving children. I write blogs about video games. My favorite system is the Game Boy. I have three of them in my house; one in the shitter, one by my computer, and one in my pocket.
My aspiration in life is to not die. Runner up is writing and creating random bullshit related to my only hobby, which is games. I guess I read books too. But nobody cares about OLD MAN hobbies like that, so get outta town, GRANDPA!
My favorite game is Ecco the Dolphin. I like to speedrun it because it makes me feel like a big man, except when the credits run, which is where I usually reflect sadly upon the rest of my life. I love dick jokes and farts. Dickfarts.
I want to write for Destructoid some day, but the staff here are too smart to hire me. I need to find a clever way to trick a legitimate enthusiast site to pay me a small amount of money to do something for them or I can never happy.
I know a lot of guys what make games read Destructoid because videogames. Pretty much, as it stands, I work night shifts at a warehouse. It's really hot, so I have to go to the bathroom frequently to let my underwear air dry from all the sweat running down my ass crack. I usually play Pokemon Blue on the Game Boy while this happens, so I get a lot of time to play games.
I have a lot of good ideas for games too. How about a villain whose motivation is that he loves everyone, like Jesus, but not like Jesus, thinks that the best way to show his love is by KILLING THE HUMAN RACE? Quite a twist there, eh? How about a DOG as a party member in an RPG? Bet they'd never see that one coming.
Anyways, apart from writing, I was thinking of what I could contribute to the game industry. I had a synthesizer once, and I learned to play Snake Man's theme on it. So there's that. I also write sometimes. But lately, my passion has been many artworks. And I thought I'd share some of those artworks with you all here today to prove that I too could be a good game guy.
So if you're reading, Microsoft, or EA or whoever; hire me. I live in Canada. I can't relocate. But we can do something through email, work it out. I'll do all the arts for you.
Here are some example of my work.
I think it's PRETTY OBVIOUS what game hero we are REALLY talking about here (wink, Dr. Robotnik) but I have changed the names slightly on some of these to avoid copyright work. These are mine, Nintendo. Go fuck off (unless you want to hire me or whatever.)
GOTTA GO FAST! LEAVE MY CHILI DOGS ALONE DR EGGMAN!
WWAHH WE WANT ANOTHER GAME CAPCOM WAHH
One came out you fucking idiots. It was called MEGA MAN UNLIMITED. Officially released and licensed by two guys in their basement or whatever. I couldn't beat the first level because my controller is broken and Mega Man just keeps jumping all over the place...I mean RObo Boy.
Some of you might remember this CLASSIC VIDEO GAME DUDE! Looks like he has put on a few years, though! David Cage, are you listening? Game about a video game hero who has to deal with life as an old man. Mini game where he used the clapper to turn off his lights, bend over and hurt his back.
Honestly? Kinda drunk when this happened. Don't know what's going on here. Scares me to look at it.
Last two major IP's by Nintendo...Pokemon...Pikmin...
Totally registering the domain name for PamPokPimPok just in case.
"When I was a boy, I used to steal the wallets out of old men's back pockets. That is what inspire my new game. Please enjoy it."
UH OH! EVeryone lOVES a little controversy on their gaming internet BBS, right? Well no character is more controversial than the spunky, hilarious Phil Fish, creator of Spelunky or something. WATCH OUT ANNOYED GAMERS CAUSE FISH HAS YOUR NUMBER! Don't cancel MY MOM Fish, hahaha because games.
HEY JIM STERLING YOU DICK WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER MY CALLS. You never sent back that empty bottle of my anti-depressants filled with Mini M&M's that I sent for you to sign. And it BETTER come back with the M&M's in it, those weren't a gift or anything so don't get any crazy ideas. If they are melted, goddamn post office is gonna pay, I'm sick of this shit.
Steve Balmer is a crazy man! Hey Steve, why don't you create a new Kinect game called "Buttfuck Balmer" where we play as you running around and licking peoples faces? It would be two player only and have tongue to cheek recognition. Make for some really awkward parties.
Destructoids beloved Anthony Burch, creator of Borderlands 2 by Valve software. HEY ASH WAT ARE YOU PLAYING HAHAHA. Get it, Anthony?
(AMENDED FOR THE IMPORTANT ADDITION OF COMMUNITY MANAGER ANDY DIXON)
(WILL EDIT FURTHER LATER TO IMPLEMENT THE ADDITION OF OBLIGATORY DICK JOKES, POSSIBLY USING "DIXON" AS A PLAY ON WORDS)
UH OH! A new challenger has entered the ring!
I only keep adding these things after the fact because I don't want to have to do a new blog like this again.