[originally Written On saturday 27th and edited to attempt to make it more readable]
contains strong language that some readers may find offensive
The following review was mysteriously discovered after medial grade sedation finally wore off entirely on the reviewer. Said reviewer (me) claims to have no memory of playing the game or in fact writing the majority of this review. The reviewer also claims to have almost a full memory of the medical procedure which sedation was administered before.
Therefore itís suggested by the reviewer that this game and the memories of it are more horrifying than a medical procedure involving a camera being sent down the throat.
Due to the presence of sedative in this review its also advised that the game may be far worse than indicated by the review and should only be approached by those with sufficient skill or protective equipment.
Name:Sexy island Adventure
So Iím recovering and as I saids on the twitters I should take this chance to review something I predict to be terrible and hopefully use the remaining effects of the sedatives to prevent any of the horror lasting. So Iím reviewing Sexy Island adventure, because out of all the screenshots not one of them seemingly shows the gameplay so I predicted that either this was either a slide shows / just pictures or hiding something very terrible. As it turns out the latter was true. Oh look pretty colours, wait is that the game or the sedative, oh I havenít started the game...... this could be fun........
Well its about an hour or so later and I can sa this†Sexy Island Adventure is a game that shouldnít be on XBLIG. The gameplay and design is not something that makes me think of a paid title. Sexy Island Adventure is a game that should be on IOS, itís one of those titles that should really be one of those free IOS titles, you know the ones that are designed to get as much cash from gullible people as possible by forcing large amounts of grinding but the option to pay a little bit to keep skipping it. For a paid title thereís very little actual gameplay to this title beyond grinding.
I am however skipping ahead slightly as I probably should explain what the gameplay is and the basic premise of the title. You play the ďheroĒ in what Iíd say was almost an 8 or 4 bit world map and the game describes your task as ďTo avoid and get round obstacles to rescue and get to photograph the girls damsels in distress, to do this you must collect coins sometimes found under obstaclesĒ. What the game boils down to is walking round an island collecting coins till you either run out of energy for your character or you have enough coins to buy the next upgrade from the games shop. Initially you have to uncover the sections of the map and start with the lowest energy, the weakest weapon and the slowest walk speed. Objects you can break early on take up to 3 hits and you move very slowly round and canít go far until you need to go back and restore energy. You know how I said it was a game about grinding. Well I should give you some idea of the grind with the need to upgrade your weapon I think 6 times, 4 power upgrades 1 view distance upgrade and 4 walking speed upgrades oh and one upgrade Iíd nicknaming the Jesus perk as its the ability to walk on water now at most the gems will give you 10 gold later on and the final weapon upgrade alone costs 1000 gold. Thatís the final weapon upgrade not the ones to reach the final upgrade, and yes as far as I can tell you do need the final weapon upgrade.†
There are also no enemies in the game, Iím not joking, none at all, the whole point of your weapon is to hit obstacles such as sticks and tree stumps.
So now onto ďrescuingĒ the damsels in distress. Well this is a load of absolute pure grade A Bovine excrement too †as honestly you more stumble upon them than rescue them, unless these damsels are so incapable that they canít climb over small piles of sticks or past logs (but as you the hero canít well yeh it seems like this Island is Island of the brain dead). The idea is find the 10 girls about (only 7 photos because the developer threw three into one) and then press A on them to see the picture of a scantily glad anime girl including two that actually try to get round the XBLIG no nudity rule by covering their supposed exposed flesh, with in one case a sand storm and in another swamp mud. The problem is while it tried to get round the nudity rule it doesnít really try as they might as well be in clothes for the all thatís shown, itís not obvious nudity masked by mud with the outlines still visible it entirely masks the nudity, you know like clothes do. Thatís not the mention the fact most of the anime girls pictures, well it looks like theyíre serious anorexics with breast implants (for some of them not all) and when I say Derp of Duty had more appealing art then you know itís an issue when youíre trying to play the ďOh look boobs and sexy girlsĒ card.
Oh I get it now, all the girls are wearing completely stupid footwear totally inappropriate for being on an island that's why they can't climb over simply piles of sticks. Who wears Stiletto heels to walk through a forest ?
This is so much a mobile game that I honestly found I was going out to explore the map then within just over 5 minutes having to return to the shop to refill my energy and supplies. The game almost begs for a microtransaction system to let you buy extra energy refills and teleporters to get back to the shop quicker, you can buy these with in-game gold but itís an obvious design choice in this game that doesnít fit longer play sessions and seems so much like a micro transaction based system just thatís not charging you yet.
Oh and then there are the inconsistencies in the game and the stupid design choices: Lets make a maze out of unbreakable objects and force the player to wander randomly through it with limited energy so limited ability to make mistakes in a blind maze; lets make it so you only reveal a tiny amount of the map unless you grind the gold to upgrade your vision; lets have an area that,s mud that no matter how much youíve upgraded your speed it slows you right down anyway and then lets have different terrains impact your movement speed anyway regardless of your walking speed; lets have your energy drain inconsistently so sometimes you lose 1 bar for moving 20 spaces then move 5 and lose two; lets put a dark green gem on a dark green tile set thatís perfectly reasonable to barely be able to see the fucking thing. Oh and the stupidest ones of all, user interface blocks part of the map meaning some areas you canít tell if youíve visited and the menu buttons arenít consistent with B being used to exit the shop but press B on the map screen and it saves and exits the game.
1) what the hell is this place made all out of Iron wall pannels ?†
2) what the hell are you doing here in your underwear ?
Oh and I 100% finished the map and found every photo in the game and do you know what happens. Fuck all, the game has no ending. It just leaves you with nothing to do but walk round collecting more coins but there more smeg yet in this game, oh yes. The game has loading issues and I found it taking up to a minute to load, a full minute and this game looks terrible, I think Iíve made better crap by pissing about in RPG maker than this. The Load times might be one thing but to save and exit also takes about a minute with no indication if the game is saving or working or has crashed. I had the game crash on me twice, no error 3 but just stop working and force me to exit to the dashboard. The game also has a crippling bug in that sometimes the pop up text that appears wonít go away, you can press the button it tells you but oh no it wonít lose it and the only work around is to try and force another text pop up to overwrite it. I really canít believe a game this completely terrible was thought of as a good idea to release, I really canít. Iím pretty sure if I werenít recovering from medical grade sedation then my brain would have been trying to shut down to prevent me playing a game so tedious it made Zombies Zombies everywhere look like it had gameplay to it. This is the level of game where your body will most likely cause blood to shoot out of your nose anime style in an attempt to prevent you carrying on with this torture.
The ďgameplayĒ is shit, grinding for coins and essentially the same fetch quest over and over. It presents Zero new ideas and challenges, Sells entirely on the idea of boobs. Has worse gameplay that even some of the worst free to play IOS games and you know what, it feels like it should be on IOS as its clearly not designed for consoles or longer play sessions. Itís a bug filled display of pure design ineptitude that is less fun than hitting your head against a brick wall for 5 minutes. Playing it is one of the least enjoyable experiences I have ever gone through, and yes that includes being less enjoyable than me with a phobia of dogs and going to the Crufts dog show. Itís more of a grind and less rewarding than even Xenominer.
Avoid this like syphilis. This is the number 1 contender so far for worst game of the year and deserves to have its code and the hard drive it was made on burned and have its remains buried under soft peat, inside a concrete container, dropped into the Mariana sea trench, with a nuclear war head built in and set to explode incense anyone ever finds and tries to open the container.
As one last lingering point about this game here's one last disturbing observation
Holy crap whats happened to the girl in the red skirt's spine, her legs are facing forwards but her shoulders and head are looking almost fully backwards
With the recent announcement that Xbox one will allow self publishing, youíd think MS were in the clear with indie developers and theyíd have a reason to maybe consider Microsoft again. The problem is as always actions speak louder than words and while MS might want people to forget its rather horrible past actions of false promises, missed payments and of course insane requirements and gauntlet for developers to navigate. MS have been screwed over again by timing, because Ms and timing just donít get on, however this time itís not news stories of the NSA privacy breaches that are causing problems but MS themselves and their latest screw up of their pre-existing self publishing system the XNA creators club.
Now to fill those of you who donít know in the XNA creators club is for developers using the XNA system to be allowed to self Publish on the XBLIG section. There are XNA based games that didnít go into XBLIG and were released sometimes as full arcade games. Bastion being on of many examples on an XNA developed game. Now while people will sneer and XBLIG or claim that thereís no money in it (Jonathan Holmes even did this in the most recent podtoid) itís actually not true as at present the former 6th best selling (now 3rd best selling) best selling XBLIG game of all time has made $3 million and that was over a year ago when it was the 6th best selling. Now everyones going to no doubt say thatís nothing compared to most games, and theyíd be right until its pointed out the game is $3 meaning its sold 1million copies. †Its claimed even before MS changed its policies to give a better % to the creator, the developer had made $1 million in profit on the game. Let me say that again, an indie game made by one guy has made him $1 million on XBLIG and heís not even got the best selling game on there. So no Mr Holmes the XNA / XBLIG isnít completely unprofitable some people are making a living off it and some are doing quite well even with the huge amount of mishandling its seen by MS.
This isnít the first time theyíve screwed up, but boy did they mess up with both timing and style this time and all so very close to claiming they wanted indie games. Iíve talked before about a campaign to get MS to pay its developers on time after MS ran very late on payment. †
The above is a tweet by noted XBLIG developer Sean Doherty of Freelance games. According to other indie developers this information is correct, Microsoft are 11 days late publishing sales data and have somehow failed to add two random days worth of sales in, meaning once again Indie developers might be getting underpaid for the quarter due to a Microsoft error, that is if they remember to pay them this time not delay it two months.
It however gets worse as according to the head of CSR studios, he wonít even be getting paid this quarter because Microsoft have twice lost the relevant paperwork to confirm the new status of his company as a Limited Company.†
Actions speak far louder than words and as such Microsoftís present handling of its own present self publishing system should have indie developers really concerned about how much Microsoft is actually committed to self publishing, and how much of this new change in policy is MS paying lip service to the community.
Now hereís the thing the mainstream media arenít reporting this its worse for me to actually see Developers claiming no-one would publish this in the media. You know what though I may not be mainstream media but after receiving this tweet Iím determined to at least puts this out there in my very limited capacity as a Garmes Jurnalized because ďHey Gaming News and media, I have a story for you and itís very relevant to present news as its about Microsofts present treatment of their existing self publishing system. This story you can have entirely on me and it needs very little extra legwork now.Ē Who knows if anyone will pick this story up but I really hope someone does as indie developers really should know what theyíre potentially getting into and see how for all its claims of allowing indie self publishing. Microsoft isnít doing a very good job of it already. It seems sad to me that XBLIG gets overlooked in everything even when it has rather relevant news relating to big statements by MS.
So in closing.
† Is Microsoft really committed to indie developers or is this just more hot air ?
How is it that with the recent statement on indie game publishing not one news agency decided to look into or research the XBLIG scene ? Not one place has reported about it and this screw up ?†
To any Garmes Jurnalists reading this I encourage you to talk about this story because indie developers need to be aware of the pitfalls of working with Microsoft as many such as Team meat, and even even the makers of Skulls of the Shogun found out to their peril.
To any developers out there thinking of going for Xbox, just ask yourself how much is it worth to try and have to constantly sort out the potential mess Microsoft could make with your pay just like it presently is for developer ?†
Or would you rather wait and demand Microsoft sort themselves out first and actually pledge to improve not just to let you self publish but to actually treat you with some respect and actually care for your product youíve spent your time carefully making.
So for those who like indie games and want to see some of the less well known stuff thatís come from the soon to be shut down XNA development system I thought Iíd shamelessly plug this bundle put together by a fellow Xbox Live indie game reviewer Indie Gamer Chick, who has put a lot of work into getting this bundle†up and together and you can read about all the issues etc on her blog here.
Yes itís a shameless plug for the bundle but honestly for the work thatís gone into this by Indie Gamer Chick I feel it only right to plug it not least as this is designed as almost an early goodbye to XNA before it shuts down in less than a year. This bundle means I can also say a little about the games that Iíve played in their original form on Xbox 360 that are in this bundle (though I havenít played many at only 3 of the 8 in the bundle, damn you steam summer sale!!!).
Dead Pixels Ė a game I recently bought in the steam sale and will set you back £1.99 on steam at present. I still count this as one of the best titles to come from XBLIG in a while as itís just fun to play but hides more complex systems to it. If anything Iíd say it feels like it could be said to be a de-make of DayZ (The good one not to be confused with the shitfest game formerly known as War Z). It very much feels like a survival game where you have to balance your †spending, get the right ammo type for your weapons and make decisions such as do I carry two guns running on one ammo type and go ammo mad or do I have two guns on two ammo types in-case I run out of one ammo type ? †The trader system is pretty cool too as while you scavenge for supplies you can often find in demand items which certain sellers will pay top dollar for, like toilet roll. Note: in the zombie apocalypse Iím sure toilet roll will become a highly valued item fairly quick.† I particularly loved the grindhouse stylings added to the game which very much gave the feeling of playing something a grindhouse film in game form. oh and one final thing I'm very glad to see the PC port auto detect my graphics card and recommend settings based on it rather than me having to spend ages working it just right (looking at you thirty flights of loving, looking at you) along with the option to turn the film grain effect off and change hud element placement. If every you wanted to dip into a zombie game with a bit more depth to it but not so much its horrifying then Dead Pixels is the zombie game for you, it will definately scratch that zombie game itch well enough to stop you buying Sniper elite Nazi Zombie Army any time soon and is a game you'll find yourself coming back to to play a little bit every now and again because its simply fun.
Chester Ė Um, I played Chester, I really didnít like Chester, itís an indie platformer with multiple characters and variable art styles. My major issue was the control felt pretty loose and not very enjoyable to me personally. But hey some people like loose controls and can accept that as its definitely deliberate. It also has some RPG like elements for those who might want some RPG in their platformer. My main objection I remember way everything felt crap without levelling it up so it just seemed to grind on me. From what Iíve heard the game might have changed quite a bit from the version I played but for me its ones of the few games I canít go back too because the taste of a good idea gone sour just lingers with me so much.
Little †Racers Street Ė Oddly me and Milkstone studios have a love hate relationship. I will love one game and sing its praises then the moment Iím doing that they slip out a stinking pile of shit based on another popular game in the hopes I wonít notice. I then try said new game, hate it and point out how when theyíre being original or delivering quality its actually something Iíll praise. Little Racers Street is actually a game I really think deserves praise, itís going to be completely in a way Milkstone probably didnít anticipate but itís because it feels like playing Micro Machines. Yes those old Micro Machines games where the handling wasnít hard but it was just weird enough to be fun without slipping into being a simulation level racer. The game is meant to be based round the idea of simply street racing and upgrading your car, working your way through the races and classes and just progressing. Car customisation is fun and the initial car choices doo feel like they handle differently, with you customisation actually feeling like theyíre making an impact on how the car performs. Little Racers Street is the kind of game where you get a bunch of friends together tell them on a certain date youíre going to play some races so play it and get your cars ready, then you go in all with customised cars and play an insane party game where youíll be swearing a lot for people cutting you off or slamming you into the wall using their cars. Itís a party game where screwing one another over is a big but fun part of it and that makes it the perfect party game to drink to. Itís a very good game, its surprisingly deep and well what better praise can there be than it reminded me of playing a Micro Machines racing game, but without the whole giant real world stuff this is racing through scale models streets etc now. I did actually play this in a Multiplayer match with Indie Gamer Chick, Alan Charlesworth (another indie game review) and others and honestly it was damn good fun and PC doesnít have that many racing games not really cheap party like ones anyway so with online play I can see this being a blast for PC gamers as much if not more than console gamers.
So is the bundle worth its present selling price of †£2.79 ($4.29ish) well yes because the whole bundle is 8 games thatís £0.35 ($0.54ish) a game. If youíre fine with getting windows or Desura download codes then itís great as unfortunately not all of the games are on steam, though many are trying via greenlight, then you should be getting this bundle. The XNA and XBLIG games are honestly a whole different level of indie games these are the one man teams making little games, many of the teams put a lot of heart into their games and so few people really recognise or care about indie games on xbox at least not the XNA ones. Essentially at its present price youíre buying all the games with each game individually being cheaper than the cheapest game indie game in the steam summer sale. Even looking at Dead Pixels which is about £2 on steam youíre buying Dead Pixels and then spending £0.80 on 7 games.
These may not be big name developers yet, but many of them might well be in the future and with XNA being shut down soon this is them branching out to the strange world of PC. If you've ever wanted a look into a different indie scene the honestly trying this bundle gives you a good varied selection of what's on offer on XBLIG and what will hopefully soon be making its way to steam more once the XNA closes its doors finally.†
Thank you for bothering to read to the end, and incase Iíve convinced you to buy the bundle hereís the link again to save you scrolling back up to the top. As of writing this you have about 2 days to get this bundle still
Itís that time again on the internet when everyone goes sale mad and in a month immediately begin asking why on earth they bought these games ?
So I thought I should write a little article about how you can easily survive this period if this is your first steam sale and come out the other side having actually benefited from it and without forcing you to unplug your router to stop you buying things.
Make a budget
Firstly have a budget and stick to it. A big thing for many people in they can click buy and not think too much till they next see their bank balance or credit card bill. If you have details like this on steam, remove them or at the very least force yourself to no use them. Once you know your budget (And be realistic here as if itís too small youíll only be reaching for those card numbers later anyway) go to a store, yes a Store, you know one of those things outside on the street that sells games.
Once there buy yourself the amount of money youíve budgeted as steam wallet codes this way you can see how much youíve spent on the sale already and hopefully wonít be tempted to buy more steam wallet cash.
Make a List
Secondly itís now time to make a list of the games you want to get, you might think this would come first then youíd budget from that but no, this way it makes you think about what games you really want to get and which you can do without. Once you have the list order them in terms of most wanted to least wanted, because believe me sacrifices may have to be made.
Once you have your list its time to see how expectations match to your budget. On steam go into the store and look at the present prices of the games you want then write these down in the same document as the list with the prices next to them. While youíre in the store itís also a good idea to add the games to your wishlist.
Use a calculator to add up the total prices and if youíre over your budget by anything more than $5 then you need to be prepared to miss out on getting the bottom one of more games on your list.†
Use the wishlist feature
Use the Wishlist well as if you add games onto the wishlist steam will notify you via email or even on a steam mobile app when a game you want goes on sale, this means youíll not miss out on those flash sales and go relax far more and you know maybe play through some of those games you bought in a previous sale or if youíre new to steam sales you can work through a backlog of something else say TV shows or console games, with the flash sales only changing every 8 hours it wonít be too much of a problem to catch the game and it means you can time it to only have to check your emails about twice a day.
So you have a goal in mind, you have a budget and youíre letting steam do the legwork of telling you when games you want are on sale, it seems like youíre ready. Well not yet thereís still a few more things you need to do and to be ready for to truly come out of the steam sale on top.
So many abandoned C-blog articles....................
Before you begin buying games itís time to clear space on your hard drive ready for them, you have to remove anything thatís no longer useful or at least put it into storage on an external storage device because youíre going to want to play a fair few games especially in some cases once youíve just bought them. So having your hard drive with plenty of space ready for them will save you frustration later on of having to clear the space. So yes its finally time to either delete those fan art and pictures of freaky Constantina or at the very least move them to another storage device.
Play the Waiting game
OK you have a goal, you have the money on your account, you have hard drive space, itís time to buy now right ? Well no as to get the most out of the steam sale you have to be patient. You see while many games are discounted these discounts can be overridden by flash sales and daily deals meaning that at present those games are at their highest cost for the duration of the sale, potentially they will drop lower. The fact games can and will drop lower is the actual reason why based on your budget you can have about $5 extra on your wanted list compared to your budget and as your budget is set it now makes you more inclined to wait as for the patience you could end up affording yourself another game. The rule is unless itís a daily deal or flash sale you only buy your games on the last day of the sale or you will end up paying more than you need to.
Look out of hidden treasure.
There are some deals on steam that mysteriously only turn up around steam sales and arenít obviously visible. The best example is the Cthulhu saves the world and Breath of Death double pack which cost the same price as just one of the games alone. Another is the Introversion complete pack which includes Darwinnia and Multwinnia, the soundtrack, Uplink, Defcon and the Defcon sound track for £2.95 here in the UK (At present prices) rather than the Darwinnia and Multiwinnia pack which clocks in at £8.99 for just those two compared to the 4 games in the bundle.
Know what youíre getting into
This is a big important one, in the last steam Sale I bought The Ship because Iíd heard about it and it seems cool, thing is the matchmaking servers are down on the companies end but luckily there are work around to it posted on the community page. Itís always good to check at least the steam community page for the game before buying. Also I should say with The Ship they did do a special promotion where by buying one copy of the game gave you two more to give away (each of which then spawned two more copies for said person to give away meaning 1 copy of the game ended up in 7 copies going out. Incidentally if someone really wants a copy I still have one of my two extra copies left and then youíll have two copies to hopefully give away too to people)
Consider the sound tracks.
This is one of the few times when the main version and the version of a game and its sound track are going to be very close in terms of cost Iíve seen previous sales where the cost for a sound track with the game was about £0.04 more so itís worth checking to see if you think the sound track might interest you.
Be prepared to be tempted
This is a part of the sale as if you find a certain game youíd forgotten about is on sale you will be tempted. Itís at this point the list becomes important as you can now bring it back up and check its cost, if it costs the same as the game youíve put lowest on the list itís now up to you to decide if †you want that game more or less than the title youíd forgotten about. Sometimes youíll find you do, other times it was a passing thing and really when you look back at your list, you realise you want these games more. If the game costs more you might end up sacrificing more games off that list too.
The point of sale.
Ok youíve bought your games now remember if you buy the game and mark it as a gift it will not be linked to your account until you open it, if you buy and add it to your library straight away then itís there for life, or until the German courts figure out if Steam has to allow resale or not. While you wonít get your money back if you regret it later, having it as a gift allows it to be traded and who knows you might be able to trade for something you really want, and no Iím not talking about more damn Team Fortress 2 hats.
Ok itís nearly the end of the sale, you might still have some steam cash left over and if you do itís the perfect time to clear up as best as you can. If you have any Free to play games on steam you might want to use the last few bits of currency on some items in there as Iíve previously done on Super Monday night combat, or if you have a little more left its worth checking out the indie games section and price searching, with two pages of games less than £1 each here in the UK thereís plenty of choice there to spend that last bit of cash on and being in the sale it allows these kind of prices. Now your only problem is deciding what to play first.
So to summarise
- Set a budget
- Make a List of games you want and be prepared to not get them all
- Use the Wishlist functionality
- Clear hard drive space in advance before buying anything
- Look for hidden deals and packages not so easily visible on steam
- Look into the games before you buy them, even just a little to make sure there hasnít been some huge problem
- Check the price of packages that include more than just the game
- Be ready to be tempted
- Make sure youíre certain you want these games on your account potentially forever
- Clean up at the end by using up the last of that budget, if thereís any left, as after all you might as well considering you anticipated spending that much and now you could be getting some hidden gems of indie games at the sale prices along with those games you really wanted.
- If you didnít get all you wanted, donít worry, its only about 4-6 months till the next steam sale
[s]- Finally the golden rule, do not buy copies of bad rats for £0.29 each and pass them to friends or they will use your mouse cord to throttle you.[/s]
So cloud processing, itís the future cries Microsoft, more power than anything else. Allowing expanding of games and some grand processing power allowing huge scope beyond anything we can imagine. If it were going to work.
You see cloud processing hasnít be proved for gaming. Onlive didnít take off and had its own share of issues including lag and that wasnít trying to split the games processing between a console and the servers, it was mostly done on the servers.
It should be said that cloud processing has been used in the past by science.
Yes Iím not sure how many people know of this, some may , I didnít know much about it before I was told a while back though. There have been many such scientific research pieces which have †used of cloud computing to crunch numbers. One popular site being Fold It which allowed users to pitch in to help work of protein structures in the form of fun puzzles and for a while it allowed users allow some of their systems spare resources to help computer fold proteins and work out protein structures. Previously a climate modelling program was released that did similar to help find the most probably patterns for future climate. Other such programs have also been used to pitch in to decode genetic structures and generally number crunch to help further science. I believe as far back as 2000 science had one of its earliest cloud bases computing projects which was when the climate modelling cloud system was first brought out so science has is so far ahead of this and has proved it can be done.
The Problem is gaming, well gaming hasnít proved it to be useful as illustrated below.
Yeh gaming claiming it needs to be online or does much work in the cloud has ended badly for it.
Now Iíve been crunching the numbers a bit and well Microsoft saying the cloud could give everyone the power of the equivalent of 2 more console power using the crowd is complete and utter bovine excrement.
Now letís take the numbers we know and can get hold of to prove this. Microsoft said themselves that they have 300,000 servers so thatís a good starting point to work from. Now we need to know network load that they can expect so for this I took steam data provided by Valve about player numbers and a few weeks ago we were seeing 5 million or there abouts peak users at any given point on steam, its dropped a bit recently but still getting to about 4.9 million so Iím going to use 5 million as the standard peak load, which considering Kinect sold 7.7million in opening week its not insane to use steams 5 million peak figure.†
So it now gets worse you see for each user there has to be two cloud systems for them, so thatís 10 million consoles worth of processing power needed. So letís cut this down a little and do it per server and itís about 33.3 consoles per server. So now thatís plausible right ? Until you realise how much power that requires now if we take the information given by Microsoft now thatís 8GB of Ram and according to sources a 1.6GHz processor and scale these to the server needs. Each server needs 266.4 GB of Ram and 53.26GHz of processing power, so those servers well theyíre going to be big and be running pretty how having to support such high processing power, even going with a giant multi-core system thatís still a lot of processing power needed to run this and it will run damn hot. Iím not even that computer minded and Iím pretty sure that most servers arenít that powerful yet, short of special custom built giant servers.†
^Microsoft to build Deepthought to provide enough processing power ?
Now thereís a big problem with the calculation Iíve just done, the problem is itís assuming every single server is used for processing and as such Microsoft canít host any content on them, no content delivery systems, hosting, cloud saving or dedicated servers. Suddenly I can see a really big problem with this idea of cloud computing.†
That's completely disregarding processing speed and data transfer online which too would add to the lag and seeming unresponsiveness (as seen with some games while playing Onlive)
Now what really put it in comparison for me was googling to find out how many servers Google themselves own, while no exact figures are about to run Google and its associated systems there are an estimated 900,000 servers world wide, and yet even google arenít running cloud processing yet, theyíve run trials on it to see about running games on the cloud and having a Google PC gaming store but nothing has really come of it and as such its believed to have been put on hold.
So Microsoft are claiming they will be able to cloud compute using their servers when the load will be near impossible for servers to handle and when a company with three times more servers has actually backed away and refused to go towards a cloud processing future.†
If Microsoft really plan to go ahead with this, all I can say is the forecast looks like heavy rain from cloudbursts.......
Spoiler warnings for: Metroid Fusion†Braid, Monsters (Probably) Stole My Princess Star Fox Adventures on Dinosaur planet, Mario Adevnture 2, Star Fox Assault , Sonic CD, Mario Adventures 2 on Gameboy and Prince of Persia the Sands of Time†
Strong Language warning for those who may find it offensive
The bulk of this was written while I was under the influence of alcohol I have tried to revise it to make it easier to read and follow.
This is a multipart blog in an attempt to stop posting 5,000 word novellas here and avoid daunting walls of text, as such if I havenít addressed it in this blog I may be addressing it soon.
As this is my response to Tropes vs Women in Video games Damselís in Distress part 1, its advisable to view that first (if youíre like me strong alcohol may be required) I will be addressing points raised in this but having watched the video is rather essential to understanding the points to save me writing the full point out again which as the full part one analysis is about 6 pages already on word I want to try and address the points. †
The Damsel ball†
Now this point really pissed me off, Iím not kidding. I really donít get it, surely the Damsel isnít being passed between them as the concept is sheís chosen to be with one of them. For this concept of the Damsel ball to hold true it would have to be a fight between two equally bad entities both wanting her for their own with no concept of free choice on the part of said Damsel. An apt comparison would the at present the Falkland Islands asking for the right to self determination and to stay with the UK while Argentina refuses to listen to them and claim they own it. The break down of the Damsel ball is that one party is potentially seeing the Damsel as property whilst the other is in reality respecting their right to self determination and believing they want to be with them, said hero has come to save them. The obvious counter point that can be brought up is the idea of games like Braid or Monsters (Probably) Stole My Princess where the ďheroĒ is unaware the Damsel doesnít want to be with him, hence why youíll hear many guys complain about the ďJust friends, or Friends ZoneĒ line as for many they want a clear ďI would never date you in a million yearsĒ comment and be definitively shot down 90% of the time.
Male power fantasies†
While to an extent I will give the video credit here as it could be seen a legitimate point considering the audience at the time playing to them isnít something I can condemn either, as companies wanted money and gamers, for whatever reason, wanted those things apparently. Itís the same argument used to defend Call of Duty, itís not big, itís not clever, but itís giving the people what they asked for. Now allow me to say Iíve already had †to a very small degree a taste of being seen as a ďheroĒ to someone in reality. Involving me going to a late take out order, having access to a warm dry place, a girl having lost her keys and me owning a mobile phone. In reality rather than being some grand thing it had a rather awkward conclusion as the girl attempted to get off with me......make no mistake I very much appreciated it however it was awkward as I had literally met the girl 5 minutes before this, so it was rather a surprise. It lead to her stopping and asking why I didnít seem to be into it and if I was gay. I didnít end up as some triumphant hero, sure I felt better in myself as I had been rather low and an attractive girl randomly kissing you isnít going to knock the self esteem much. However I didnít feel like some hero, in reality I felt rather awkward and out of place in that moment, sure I felt Iíd done something good but as much as I was a Hero to her, I wasnít a Hero to myself as Iíd just been in the right place at the right time and helped someone out.
My Personal objection to it
Ok finally I can rant a bit. The seeming suggestion near the end of the video was that there should be no Damsel in distress or that said Damsel should always be able to free themselves. Now this creates a slight problem in that it suggests every situation should be solved alone and that every Woman should be an island in video gaming. However as the trope has been starting to see a reversal in some games, surely it has merit in existing to bring the human element to the game as its being proved its possible to do with female characters saving male counterparts too. To eliminate the Trope entirely would eliminate its evolution into not simply being a Female only Trope but a universal Trope. Elsa actually pointed this out so read her blog already as I donít want to poorly retread ground already covered far better by someone else. The personal highlight of things I take point with is the term ďthis regressive crapĒ when it really is discounting any evolution of the Trope beyond being gender specific. If a Trope itself were a bad thing we should loath the work of Shakespeare and not be teaching it in schools because of the many Tropes derived from his work.
The worst part of this Trope identification is its actually discounting people just being decent human beings. Is Hugh Jackman a giant misogynistic pig for rushing to help Jennifer Lawrence at the Oscars or just being a decent human being ? Was I wrong to offer someone a warm place to sit on a cold night and let them use my phone to get a housemate to let them into their own home ? This trope brings up the rather worrying question of ďIs it ok to help someone who appears to be in need ?Ē†
Personally the worlds hard enough and a bit of kindness to help with certain problems goes a lot further than people think and I find it rather stupid that now it can be made a negative thing by claiming it can be sexist. What should I be doing, walking by ? Kicking the person to make sure theyíre down ?
To say someone is a Damsel in distress merely due to being depowered at one point and needing help could also extend to Samus Aran. At the start of many Metroid games you lose your powers, so does that therefore make the Universes badass bounty hunter a Damsel in distress due to losing most of her power ? Heck in Meteroid Fusion Samus is actually carried off the planet for medical help, by this definition of Damsel in distress Samus is one now. This very much relates back to my objection in part one where I pointed out how Krystal actually joins the Starfox team as an equal after being rescued that first time.
In Part 4:
I will start to address Tropes vs Women part 2 and begin as I did with addressing part 1 by addressing inaccuracies I spotted or misrepresentations of games shown in part 2 including The Darkness and Timesplitters 2