[originally Written On saturday 27th and edited to attempt to make it more readable]
contains strong language that some readers may find offensive
The following review was mysteriously discovered after medial grade sedation finally wore off entirely on the reviewer. Said reviewer (me) claims to have no memory of playing the game or in fact writing the majority of this review. The reviewer also claims to have almost a full memory of the medical procedure which sedation was administered before.
Therefore itís suggested by the reviewer that this game and the memories of it are more horrifying than a medical procedure involving a camera being sent down the throat.
Due to the presence of sedative in this review its also advised that the game may be far worse than indicated by the review and should only be approached by those with sufficient skill or protective equipment.
Name: Sexy island Adventure
So Iím recovering and as I saids on the twitters I should take this chance to review something I predict to be terrible and hopefully use the remaining effects of the sedatives to prevent any of the horror lasting. So Iím reviewing Sexy Island adventure, because out of all the screenshots not one of them seemingly shows the gameplay so I predicted that either this was either a slide shows / just pictures or hiding something very terrible. As it turns out the latter was true. Oh look pretty colours, wait is that the game or the sedative, oh I havenít started the game...... this could be fun........
Well its about an hour or so later and I can sa this†Sexy Island Adventure is a game that shouldnít be on XBLIG. The gameplay and design is not something that makes me think of a paid title. Sexy Island Adventure is a game that should be on IOS, itís one of those titles that should really be one of those free IOS titles, you know the ones that are designed to get as much cash from gullible people as possible by forcing large amounts of grinding but the option to pay a little bit to keep skipping it. For a paid title thereís very little actual gameplay to this title beyond grinding.
I am however skipping ahead slightly as I probably should explain what the gameplay is and the basic premise of the title. You play the ďheroĒ in what Iíd say was almost an 8 or 4 bit world map and the game describes your task as ďTo avoid and get round obstacles to rescue and get to photograph the girls damsels in distress, to do this you must collect coins sometimes found under obstaclesĒ. What the game boils down to is walking round an island collecting coins till you either run out of energy for your character or you have enough coins to buy the next upgrade from the games shop. Initially you have to uncover the sections of the map and start with the lowest energy, the weakest weapon and the slowest walk speed. Objects you can break early on take up to 3 hits and you move very slowly round and canít go far until you need to go back and restore energy. You know how I said it was a game about grinding. Well I should give you some idea of the grind with the need to upgrade your weapon I think 6 times, 4 power upgrades 1 view distance upgrade and 4 walking speed upgrades oh and one upgrade Iíd nicknaming the Jesus perk as its the ability to walk on water now at most the gems will give you 10 gold later on and the final weapon upgrade alone costs 1000 gold. Thatís the final weapon upgrade not the ones to reach the final upgrade, and yes as far as I can tell you do need the final weapon upgrade.†
There are also no enemies in the game, Iím not joking, none at all, the whole point of your weapon is to hit obstacles such as sticks and tree stumps.
So now onto ďrescuingĒ the damsels in distress. Well this is a load of absolute pure grade A Bovine excrement too †as honestly you more stumble upon them than rescue them, unless these damsels are so incapable that they canít climb over small piles of sticks or past logs (but as you the hero canít well yeh it seems like this Island is Island of the brain dead). The idea is find the 10 girls about (only 7 photos because the developer threw three into one) and then press A on them to see the picture of a scantily glad anime girl including two that actually try to get round the XBLIG no nudity rule by covering their supposed exposed flesh, with in one case a sand storm and in another swamp mud. The problem is while it tried to get round the nudity rule it doesnít really try as they might as well be in clothes for the all thatís shown, itís not obvious nudity masked by mud with the outlines still visible it entirely masks the nudity, you know like clothes do. Thatís not the mention the fact most of the anime girls pictures, well it looks like theyíre serious anorexics with breast implants (for some of them not all) and when I say Derp of Duty had more appealing art then you know itís an issue when youíre trying to play the ďOh look boobs and sexy girlsĒ card.
Oh I get it now, all the girls are wearing completely stupid footwear totally inappropriate for being on an island that's why they can't climb over simply piles of sticks. Who wears Stiletto heels to walk through a forest ?
This is so much a mobile game that I honestly found I was going out to explore the map then within just over 5 minutes having to return to the shop to refill my energy and supplies. The game almost begs for a microtransaction system to let you buy extra energy refills and teleporters to get back to the shop quicker, you can buy these with in-game gold but itís an obvious design choice in this game that doesnít fit longer play sessions and seems so much like a micro transaction based system just thatís not charging you yet.
Oh and then there are the inconsistencies in the game and the stupid design choices: Lets make a maze out of unbreakable objects and force the player to wander randomly through it with limited energy so limited ability to make mistakes in a blind maze; lets make it so you only reveal a tiny amount of the map unless you grind the gold to upgrade your vision; lets have an area that,s mud that no matter how much youíve upgraded your speed it slows you right down anyway and then lets have different terrains impact your movement speed anyway regardless of your walking speed; lets have your energy drain inconsistently so sometimes you lose 1 bar for moving 20 spaces then move 5 and lose two; lets put a dark green gem on a dark green tile set thatís perfectly reasonable to barely be able to see the fucking thing. Oh and the stupidest ones of all, user interface blocks part of the map meaning some areas you canít tell if youíve visited and the menu buttons arenít consistent with B being used to exit the shop but press B on the map screen and it saves and exits the game.
1) what the hell is this place made all out of Iron wall pannels ?†
2) what the hell are you doing here in your underwear ?
Oh and I 100% finished the map and found every photo in the game and do you know what happens. Fuck all, the game has no ending. It just leaves you with nothing to do but walk round collecting more coins but there more smeg yet in this game, oh yes. The game has loading issues and I found it taking up to a minute to load, a full minute and this game looks terrible, I think Iíve made better crap by pissing about in RPG maker than this. The Load times might be one thing but to save and exit also takes about a minute with no indication if the game is saving or working or has crashed. I had the game crash on me twice, no error 3 but just stop working and force me to exit to the dashboard. The game also has a crippling bug in that sometimes the pop up text that appears wonít go away, you can press the button it tells you but oh no it wonít lose it and the only work around is to try and force another text pop up to overwrite it. I really canít believe a game this completely terrible was thought of as a good idea to release, I really canít. Iím pretty sure if I werenít recovering from medical grade sedation then my brain would have been trying to shut down to prevent me playing a game so tedious it made Zombies Zombies everywhere look like it had gameplay to it. This is the level of game where your body will most likely cause blood to shoot out of your nose anime style in an attempt to prevent you carrying on with this torture.
The ďgameplayĒ is shit, grinding for coins and essentially the same fetch quest over and over. It presents Zero new ideas and challenges, Sells entirely on the idea of boobs. Has worse gameplay that even some of the worst free to play IOS games and you know what, it feels like it should be on IOS as its clearly not designed for consoles or longer play sessions. Itís a bug filled display of pure design ineptitude that is less fun than hitting your head against a brick wall for 5 minutes. Playing it is one of the least enjoyable experiences I have ever gone through, and yes that includes being less enjoyable than me with a phobia of dogs and going to the Crufts dog show. Itís more of a grind and less rewarding than even Xenominer.
Avoid this like syphilis. This is the number 1 contender so far for worst game of the year and deserves to have its code and the hard drive it was made on burned and have its remains buried under soft peat, inside a concrete container, dropped into the Mariana sea trench, with a nuclear war head built in and set to explode incense anyone ever finds and tries to open the container.
As one last lingering point about this game here's one last disturbing observation
Holy crap whats happened to the girl in the red skirt's spine, her legs are facing forwards but her shoulders and head are looking almost fully backwards
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