Warning Contains language some readers may find offensive
So after an erotic adventure game got removed from Steam Greenlight and app developers have been told content containing sexual, political or religious material may not be able to release on the IOS marketplace by apple, one little story slipped this net. As far as Iím aware I might be the only person to actually be writing about this however due to sources who have oddly been in contact with me of all people. Microsoft have banned a game from the Windows 8 store. This has actually in part been verified by the developer of said game in a tweet.
So what on earth kind of game could Microsoft ban from appearing on windows 8 ?
Itís an XNA game and as such itís kind of my area of expertise
Itís this game
According to my source the game was considered ďToo politically sensitive by Microsoft to releaseĒ with numerous complains within the department being brought up about different aspects of the game being seen as offensive.
So with 80 Microsoft points ready to burn I decided to check the game out. Its shit........ and thatís me being polite to the game I donít think the required swear words have yet been invented to truly do this game justice as to how bad it is. Now Iím about to explain the story better than the game initially does. You play Wilson Cooper, you work for a board game company and your bitter rival out of spite turns you into a fish because um Technology (seriously just saying because Um science would be better but the game says specifically technology). You Swim to Libya during the Libyan crisis and come up in the toilet of Colonel Gaddafi. That really is the story. The game is a point and click adventure in the sense that, very little has any functional logic too it and you tend to resort to rubbing things on other things in the hope it works.
Now for those who want to play the game please stop reading this article now and hereís a link to the game so you can waste 80 Microsoft points on a 30 minute pile of putrefied piss if you so wish.
Ok for those who donít want to waste money on it, time for me to talk about the rest of the game. You steal a Video Gaddafi made and upload it to the internet using a confiscated computer. The Rebels make you vice commander, you help Gaddafi write a speech and he then goes to hide behind the Sofa. The Rebels storm the place and canít find him but give you two green envelopes one with rebel base locations and the other with locations of vital locations to be bombed. You mix up the envelopes and as such when you phone Nato you end up giving them both sets of information and are told by the Nato official its fine theyíll be able to sort it out. Nato bombs the rebel leaders by mistake and the Libyan version of Rambo leads one last charge on the palace, waking you up from the bed. You reveal Gaddafi was just hiding behind the Sofa the whole time and then become leader. At the UN youíre given a ďchoiceĒ of who to ally with. Allying with the US causes a game over as the ending says you get rich and fat then die of a heart attack 2 months later. Allying with Iran causes Nato to invade and assassinate you. Allying with Australia causes you to abandon oil production and begin rock farming.
The game really does only continue if you pick Australia. Youíre then tasked with dealing with two opposition parties trying to overthrow you. To deal with the one leader you place an advert in the local paper pretending to be a female lonely heart seeking true love with the exact match partner being the leading rival. Using a make up kit, a wig and a Rock you create a disguise to turn you into a Woman. You go on a date with him then reveal you share none of his political views.
Heartbroken he loses his power to lead. For the second leader you have the police raid his house telling them not to arrest him initially as you want to arrest him only if heís broken the law. You go in and find heís keeping hippos in is home. You find him sleeping in the closet and try to have him arrested for taking hippos without consent however youíre informed this isnít a crime, so you have him arrested anyway. The epilogue goes that rock farming paid off due to the economy seeing a huge peak in demand for rocks. You win.
That really is the whole game and thereís still problems in the game. Firstly itís not funny, it doesnít even manage the stoner humour some might enjoy of say Aqua Teen Hunger Force, this really is something I never thought Iíd find, its humour thatís even beneath my threshold for comedy. This is the comedy where saying fuck is considered the height of wit. This isnít me saying Iím above finding swearing funny but it has to be used well. I like south Park and can find offensive language and insane things funny but it has to be used in context. Cartman telling Kyle to ďstop fucking swear shitfaceĒ or whatever is funny due to the obvious display of irony. However this game is a case of ďOh fuckĒ being considered the joke, nothing else to it just that.
Characterisation plays off as youíre a complete dick and stereotype hopeless nerd, Gaddafi is a moron as are most other people in the entire game. Thereís just nothing redeeming about it. Heck even when the games over thereís no way to return to the menu, you have to exit the entire game and come back to it that's how broken the game is it doesn't even end you just have to leave it.
But yet I canít see why it was banned from being on the Windows 8 store, itís not offensive to anyone really as everyone comes off as morons and un likeable amoral people or just complete idiots. Itís not even very political in real terms as the Libya war is over in the game in a single night and it doesnít really mock this either or anyone caught up in it. Honestly if a game could be banned from a service for being shit this would be the prime candidate but with Microsoft clamouring to get developers to actually get their games certified and in the windows 8 store this really does seem strange for them to turn down someone willingly submitting their game to it. However this gets weirder still when you realise, as you probably have already due to the link that the game is available already. The game is actually on Xbox 360 in the Xbox Live indie Games section and not just that itís on the Windows Phone 7 as an app game. So for the time being it has to be asked by me, and was wondered by my contact as to why this game really was banned from being on the store, especially considering itís already out and available on two formats.
Oh and for those who might somehow care about this game, itís apparently presently trying to fight its way through the greenlight process on steam. So hurray PC gamers might get a chance to experience the horror sometimes spewed out onto XBLIG too. Its actually worth going on the greenlight link simply because of the video the developer themselves has chosen to put as the video for the game.
This video in fact
Also as far as poor indie games go, I will say the developer already has a track record for them with his first game Letís get Fiscal and the another game Rock Bottom, a game another indie game reviewer said this about ďThis game is the final conclusive proof atheists have been searching for; no cosmic creator could sit back and consider his work done while this monstrosity existsĒ. The worst thing is this is even less game than Letís Get fiscal so before anyone feels bad for the indie developer in this case. I really wouldnít encourage him not even if youíre an avid fan of podtoid and want to try and get Jim Sterling to force Jonathan Holmes to play this, as its probably far worse than any of the made up scenarios so far discussed.