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TheDustinThomas avatar 2:13 PM on 05.29.2013  (server time)
My Breakup Letter to Resident Evil

Dear Resident Evil,

After all we've been through, it pains me to have to do this, but...I don't love you anymore. You have no idea how hard it was for me to write those words. I must have deleted and re-wrote it dozens of times trying to sugarcoat it, but there is no pretty way to say it, I had to be brutally honest.

That's not to say that I didn't genuinely enjoy the time we've spent together over the past 16 years, we had an absolute blast. Some people may say our relationship was never perfect, remember the time you came out with Outbreak? I didn't like it, but I accepted it, you had gotten bored and wanted to try something new, but then you did it a second time. That should have been the first warning sign. As the old saying goes: Fool me once, shame on you...

I still remember the day we met. Our mutual friend David brought you over because he thought we would get along. Boy, was he right. We hit it off immediately. It was thrilling because I was doing something I shouldn't be doing. Me, a pre-teen about to start junior high school, and you, a mature-rated game. We shouldn't have been seeing each other, but we couldn't help it. Hiding you from my parents was so scary and exciting all at the same time.

We grew up, we matured, and our relationship grew. After a year, we took the next step: Resident Evil 2. By this time my parents accepted how into you I was and allowed us to keep seeing each other without having to hide it. Working my way through the Raccoon City Police Department, the secret underground Umbrella Lab, and making my exhilarating escape from the city was something I'll always treasure. I'll never forget when you made that Licker bust through the two-way mirror that literally made me scream in terror even though you telegraphed it from miles away. Such good times.

This is when I loved you the most.

When I hit high school we experienced our first "bump in the road." It was called Resident Evil 3: Nemesis. Don't get me wrong, I still loved it, and played through it multiple times, but it seemed like something was a bit off with you. That's when I discovered that you were superficial, you weren't the real sequel to RE2, and it wouldn't be until a year or so later that you finally decided to get real with me again with Code Veronica. I'll admit, I didn't love Code Veronica, but at least it was real, and that's all I wanted, I just wanted you to be real.

When you decided to leave the Playstation to mingle with the Gamecube, we lost touch for a little bit. I was a poor high school student and couldn't afford the new Nintendo console, but that never seemed to bother you. You were selfish. I never played your prequel Resident Evil 0, but thanks to the internet I was able to keep tabs on you. And for the record, I was NOT stalking you, I just missed you and wanted to see you again.

You had your flings on the Gamecube, even reinventing yourself for it with the REmake, and I'll admit, you looked good, and I regretted ever letting you go. For a couple years I was able to act like it didn't bother me, I went on with my life and you seemed to fall off the face of the earth. Imagine my surprise when I saw your face on the covers of all the gaming magazines. It was you, but it seemed different, it seemed...better. Sexier, even. Resident Evil 4? It was like walking out of the black-and-white world of Kansas and stepping into the blinding beauty of the Emerald City. I was heartbroken when I found out you were a Gamecube exclusive, but 10 months later, 10 long months of yearning, you came to my PS2. We were officially back together! I felt like the luckiest man on earth. Back together and better than ever.

All the late nights we spent upgrading weapons, playing Ada's new campaign, collecting all of your NECA figures that they released, S-ranking every map with every character in Mercenaries mode. I was on cloud nine. But the next time I saw you, you changed again, but this time for the worse. It was a very subtle change, but it was noticeable, and not a change I liked. You decided to go hang out with your new "survival-action" buddies and abandon your "survivor-horror" friends almost completely. We managed to work through it, even though you brought that bimbo, Sheva, along with you.

On second thought, she can stay.

This was when I started to become unhappy with our relationship. I supported you from home while you went out there trying to make it big, thinking you were the next Gears of War. You tried to salvage it by releasing Umbrella and Darkside Chronicles, and sure, it was fun, but not the type of fun we used to have. I realized that these were nothing more than half-hearted attempts to appease me until you finally broke my heart. We tried to keep it together, but it was like putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound.

I waited for you, hoping from the trailers that Resident Evil 6 would be a return to form. Revelations on the 3DS was a step in the right direction towards fixing yourself. That's what I wanted: monsters, claustrophobic cooridors, the stuff you used to do. I know you just ported it to the home consoles, but it's too late.

Did you know RE6 was the first title in the main series that I hadn't pre-ordered since Resident Evil 2 (aside from the Gamecube games)? After the way everyone was bashing you, I just couldn't bring myself to pay full price for you this time. I waited until you were a third of your original $60, because I knew you would get cheap on me sooner or later, and it turned out to be sooner.

Six protagonists is five too many.

All I can say is that I'm disappointed in you. If I had known what you were going to do to yourself, I would have gladly accepted another Resident Evil 5. I can deal with a mediocre Gears clone. But this? I just can't keep going on like this. I can't be with a sad excuse for a Call of Duty rip-off. I know you've argued that that's not what you became, but when I found myself in Europe, fighting enemies with machine guns and rocket launchers, running around with a squad of members, with things blowing up left and right, taking down helicopters, nothing you say can convince me you're nothing more than a pathetic excuse for a CoD clone. It's not necessarily that you're a bad game overall, you're just a really bad Resident Evil game, a shadow of your former self.

Again, I'm really sorry I have to do this, but I can't be with you anymore. I'm glad to see you're doing well, and even though you think of yourself as a disappointment, 5 million copies is still impressive, so keep your head up. It's obvious that there are people out there that still want you. "Plenty of fish in the sea" as they say, but I'm not one of them anymore. Maybe in the future when you release something new, I'll visit you, but the love just isn't there anymore. I'm sorry.

Smell ya later,


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