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The Silent Protagonist avatar 10:36 PM on 12.04.2011
Tales from Skyrim: Excerpts from the journal of Irene Grogdrowner
Day 1

Today was the day I was supposed to be executed. Just as I laid my head on the chopping block and got ready for the Big Sleep, a dragon showed up and tore up the town of Helgen. Not the stay of execution I was hoping for, but I won't look a gift dragon in the mouth. I got to kill some Imperials and escape into Skyrim.



Some fellow told me to head to Riverwood for information on joining the Stormcloaks, but then I met this shopkeeper that wanted me to retrieve his golden claw. Seeing as I was broke and needed some money and the gear from the Imperials wssn't cutting it, I took the job.

Day 2

Just got back with the claw. Saw some funny glowing writing on a wall and now there's a word on the tip of my tongue and I don't know what it is. Also picked up a funny stone, but I don't know what its for.

Heading out to Whiterun in the morning, Re-deading the undead can take a lot out of a fledgling Breton mage such as myself.

Day 3

I do a little work in Whiterun and I'm suddenly promoted to thane and have my own servant. All that for just happening to have that stone on me. Talk about low standards. But hey, I've gone from death row to having my own housecarl to carry all my excess stuff.

To be honest, this Lydia chick doesn't seem too enthusiastic about the job.

Just after getting acquainted with Lydia, a dragon was said to be spotted nearby. I go outside and sure enough there's the dragon tearing up a tower. Not being one for melee and not quite acclimated to my magic yet, I fell back on my bow to take it down.



After defeating the dragon that word I was stuck on just lept out of me.

FOOS!

After the Whiterun guards messed themselves, they started calling me the "dragonborn." Then "Dovakin" thundered in the sky for some reason. The Jarl of Whiterun said it was the Greybeards calling me and I must go see them.

Okay. I had to sell off some of this dragon bone stuff first, it was weighing me down. The storekeeper, Acadia made some fuss about me stealing antlers, the guards came in and I told them it was a misunderstanding, I'm a thane, etc. Everything seemed cool after that.

Jeez, I just saved the town from a dragon, you'd think everyone would be grateful.

I had enough to afford a horse, so I bought one and set out for High Hrothgar.

Day 5

Small detour. Some Nord needed a necromancer liberated from his family's tomb. Couldn't blame him, so I helped him out, but as we got out we were jumped by some bandits. After we killed them, I found a note naming me as a target and the one that hired them was none other than Acadia...

Totally killing her when I get back to Whiterun. I can make my own potions.

Day 7

7,000 steps.... they expect me to learn Thu'ums after all those stairs.

No, my legs were fine. My ass was sore from riding the horse up that far.

Day 9

After learning my first Thu'ums, I set out to explore for a bit, found a fort and proceeded to check things out. Ice mages jumped me and my horse went on the offensive. They killed him.

That horse cost 1,000 gold!

I killed them all, inside and outside of the fort. Still didn't make up the money I lost on my horse.

Day 13

Horse #2 is dead. Bandits this time.

Day 17

Horse #3 is down. Tried a shortcut down the mountainside from Azura's shrine. Gravity wasn't kind to him, but at least he broke my fall.



Day 20

There went horse #4. Dragon went after him first and before I could get back to him it was too late.

Oh, I got a funky mace for torturing some poor old man. Its not really my thing. Torturing is, but not the mace.

Day 23

I joined up with the Companions after killing Acadia. They seem like a cool bunch. Aela the Huntress is smoking hot, too. Think I might swing by Riften and get an Amulet of Mara and see if she's interested..

Day 28

I'm a werewolf! Aela is a werewolf, too! I mauled that Battle-Born fellow pretty good. Pity he survived it. He always has to remind me he is the patron of the Battle-Born family each time I walk by, like I give a damn.

Day 35

We just freed Kodlak from his curse of being a werewolf, if you can call it a curse. He's in Savengarde now or so they say. I took the opportunity to pop the question to Aela. She said yes!.



Day 36

So I married an openly bisexual werewolf. Problem?

She might turn into a hairy, bloodthirsty beast from time to time, but so do I!

Day 45

With Aela and Lydia keeping things in order at home, I've been trying to find new Thu'ums and keep Horse #5 from dying.

Oh, I became the Archmage of Winterhold, too. I still haven't really gotten back to being a good mage and learning spells, but this robe and funky mask make me look like Dr. Doom and I never need Magicka potions when I wear them. I'll have this Destruction magic maxed out in no time!

Maybe I'll set that orc bard on fire...

Day 46

Horse #5 is gone. Spectral archer got it. He said he was sorry and didn't mean to do it - like THAT makes up for it.

Day 60

On the way to a Thieves Guild mission, I passed by Azura's Shrine. First, some nutjob cultist rushes me and Horse #6 us with his pet wolf. We take care of him and just as I investigate this book about Boethiah I find on him yet another dragon falls right beside us.

The world is after my horses, I swear to the Nine!

So I take down the dragon and the horse is still alive. I hop on and we get back on track.

Oh wait, is that a frost troll?



Dismount. Arrrowed.

You know what? I just left the horse there after that.

Good thing too, because when I got to where I was supposed to meet Mercer Fray, he said he had "taken care of" Karliah's horse. I'm not letting him within fifty feet of mine.

Day 61

Yeah, totally a good thing I didn't bring the horse, given Mercer tried to kill me and all. When I get done with his ass, I'm joining the Dark Brotherhood, I hear they give away horses that don't die.

Day 69

I met Nocturnal. She's kind of a bitch, but easy on the eyes. I suppose t could do a lot worse for who I'd choose to serve in the afterlife. I'll go with her. Plus this Nightengale getup is really awesome.

Day 73

I've been pondering whose side I'm going to take in the war.

On one hand, Nords are racist and on the other hand I hate elves.

Stormcloaks it is.

Day 79

Oh, Sheogorath, you cheeky bastard. You remind me so much of... me in some other life. I don't know whether to pluck out your eyes and replace them with cheese balls or summon Haskill for no reason other than to do it.

I don't know where that came from. Somewhere. Everywhere. Underwear. It felt good to say it, though.



Day 85

"Aren't you worried about the dragons?" I asked Ulundil, stable owner of Windhelm.

"If I am to be killed by a dragon, so be it. It's not going to change how I live." he replied.

Famous last words. A blood dragon then promptly swooped down and ate him.

But hey, free horses. That's what's important!

Day 95

Shadowmere is mine. Sithis be praised! For all the blood I've shed I now have a horse that can't die!



Day 98

At some point I'm going to have to get back to Delphine about those dragons and averting the apocalypse and all that.

Nah, I'm just going to kill all the other horses in Skyrim now.

Tagged:    Opinion Editorial  

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