I hate Mondays. And have thusly decided to reflect on more joyous times, when work was mowing the lawn and waking up early was 8:00...

I give you, the first installment, of Flashback Mondays. If it sucks, I'll cease and desist immediately if not sooners...but without further delay, read it and weep.

What game could strike fear and anxiety into the hearts of so many men? What sheer terror did we face when we turned out the lights and played this game for the first time? What is that sticky substance leaking out of the refrigerator?



Okay, it’s just ketchup, but I had you going there for a little bit.



Maniac Mansion was one of the first games of its kind ported to the NES. As a point and click RPG, the style was different and innovative to we lowly types without a PC—yes, imagine that, back in the day not everyone had a PC at home and there were no internets and there were still cassette tapes…lulz. Phantom is an old head—were experiencing something completely new.

If you didn’t figure out how to move the rug at the front door you were pretty much screwed, but getting past that first mechanic opened up a whole world of possibilities.

Most of those possibilities were determined my whom you chose for your rescue party, but I’m getting ahead of myself…let us first consider our predicament.



Twenty years ago today, a huge purple meteor crash landed on the lawn of the Edison family’s home. Dr. Fred, his wife Edna (I still have nightmares) and their special son, Ed were already weirdos, but after the crash landing of the meteor they became even more reclusive.

Nowadays, patients from the town hospital are going missing. A local teen—Sandy Pantz (oh, I c waht they did thar) has gone missing. Little does the kidnapper know that her boyfriend, Dave, saw her being abducted and has formed a team of his buddies to go in and rescue her.

This screen:



Is the beginning of the anxiety attack. Pick wrong and completing the game could become rather tedious if not downright impossible.

Here’s a rundown of your potential options:

Dave: d-bad extraordinaire. Seriously. Dave is the only party member you are locked into using. And I don’t know anybody who didn’t just leave him in the dungeon so that other party members could be let out when he pushed the secret brick. Dave is Sandy’s boyfriend and a complete waste of space.

Syd: “new-wave” musician my ass. This pain in the arse character has the most annoying theme music EVAR. Thank the designers for the option to turn off everyone’s music. He’s useful if you want to help the tentacle get a recording contract.

Michael: our resident photog. He’s good people. And if you want to have a fun time with Ed, totally worth including in your party.

Wendy: writer, editor, geek babe. She’ll help with a manuscript if you ever come across one that needs editing…

Bernard: nerd alert! But most likely you’re going to include Bernard in your party. He can break down the radio, fix the HAM radio and he can fix the phone…making Jeff completely unnecessary.

Razor: the female Syd. Redhead. Temptress. Will nuke a hamster if necessary. Hardcore 8-bit tunes accompany this diva.

Jeff: the surfer dude. Lamesauce. Seriously. All this dumbass can do is fix the phone. You can beat the game including him in the party, but if you’re going for options, Bernard opens the most to you. Jeff is lame. And barefoot. WTF.



The villains in this game are what make it worthwhile for me. That effing Green disembodied tentacle was hysterical. Actually, I think he was probably manic-depressive, but it was funny back in the day. The thing is, if you piss him off bad enough, he’ll actually kill you. Which is weird to think of in a Nintendo game. Because there’s no coming back from that. Seriously—you’ll see a tombstone and everything. Hard. Core. Gaming.

When you first see Edna leave her room and realize that she’s headed right for you, that’s an awesome moment in gaming history. Freaking out so much because you didn’t know the layout of the mansion was par for the course. Throughout the game there will be all sorts of cut scenes when you know that time is of the essence and you’ll have to act fast, otherwise you won’t get another opportunity.

The other thing that makes this a great game is the humor. I don’t think I’ve ever LOLed at Resident Evil, but Maniac Mansion is full of funny moments and bizarre jokes. Just one caveat though—if you do nuke Ed’s hamster, for the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, don’t show it to him…


Oddly enough, I didn't have to doctor this photo at all...

Unless you want to get one of these screens…



If you love a good game and don’t care about graphics or dated-ness, find a copy of Maniac Mansion. I guarantee you won’t be disappointed.