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The Magician Red
6:51 PM on 10.21.2013

I have been sheltered all my life, all my life I have had help. I have had someone to help me cross the street , someone to teach me to read, someone to tell me to go to school and someone to keep an eye out for what I should be doing. I am one of the most privileged people in the world and I thank God for that every time it crosses my mind.

What it has also meant is that I have been denied the opportunities one gets to be self sufficient and self controlling. This is something that has recently dawned on me. For the first time I have felt like I was no longer being watched and scrutinised as I was before and this has left me unnerved and scared. 

I recently got into the University I always wanted and am studying the course I always wanted. It was at this moment I felt the reins on myself being loosened. I was suddenly in this place where I was making my own decisions and there was no one to judge them or even overlook them. Even if they did, advise or criticism was offered much more infrequently than before. 

I love video games. It was video games with which I formed my first friends and it was these games that gave me the stress release to cope during the thankfully few taxing times in my life. I love to play them . I will play any game at least once and make no distinction as to which ones get ignored. I have favourites but I will not flat out refuse to give anything a chance. It is one of my favourite past times.

However, this past time is also becoming my bane. I am at a loss as to how to approach this situation. I want to spend time playing these games but now I have more work, more responsibilities. I simply don't have time to play as I used to - the 3-4 binges of gaming are impossible with my work load. Even going to check forums like neogaf or this destructoid feels like I am wasting valuable time I could be using to study. I find the study hard and feel like I need to cut down on the few hours left. 

This leads me to a bitter dilemma. I am not able to enjoy games as I used to. I feel like I am wasting time now instead of enjoying a great narrative or awesome game-play. Every other minute I will glance at the clock as it slowly tick away the time. Each time the hour hand moves it feels like my heart is being squeezed as more burden is put on my shoulders. 

This dilemma and this new found freedom have left me scared and frustration, not knowing how to balance the two. I feel like I am grasping in the dark looking for any sort of footing. My frustration stems from the fact that others seem to be able to do it. They get the right balance of the two and are doing fine. It irks me that I am not one of them and I feel left out.

I had a long gaming session today and as such have done little to no work. The feeling of utter guilt is what led me to write this blog. I felt that this was a nice source to vent my feelings. I am going to go to sleep now and see what tomorrow brings me.

Thank you for listening.

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