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An Easter Sundate with Jesus: The Binding of Isaac

by The Goddamn   //   11:44 AM on 03.31.2013



NOW TheGoddamn stood outside the dungeon, crying.

YESHUA KRISTOS: Man, why are you weeping?

THEGODDAMN: Lord, I keep dying in The Binding of Isaac.



YK: Oh yes, Isaac. He was my great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great--

TG: Jesus, let's not get into this begat business.

YK: I agree. Being borne from God, while also being the God Who gave birth to you is mad messed up. Anyway, Binding. First of all, I am sorry for not crafting you in an image that doesn't suck at this game.



TG: Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Prince-of Peace! It certainly does not help that the game is built in Flash and on even the most beastly rigs, is horridly demanding. A bit like the Church, perhaps.

YK: Why don't you lower the resolution? And your expectations. Of the Church. They're good folks. Well, most of them. Some. You can tell which from which, in any case.

GODTIP: If you hug the top wall, the red flies can't hurt you. That should take care of, well, 70% of your annoyances.



I expect gratitude in the form of slayed lambs, shekels, and not blaming me for natural disasters. Global warming is totally your fault, jerkos.

TG: I'm especially good at expectorating! My tears. Verily, this game is indeed glooo-ooooooooorious. In excelsis deo! It reminds me of the golden days of my youth, playing Contra, where games needed a perfect combination of skills and memorization for victory. Except this game has randomly generated levels! It's as wishy-washy as the Judeo-Christian deity in the "Old Testament"!

YK: The levels are procedurally generated, yes. But there's a set amount of room patterns the game can draw from. Kind of like some church leaders and their Biblical knowledge! Dohohohoho. Statler and Waldorf were the best, were they not? The Muppets were my most prized creation.



What was I saying? Oh right, Isaac. There's a certain strategy to getting through each room that can only be uncovered through long hours of toil and repentance. Alternatively, you can watch LethalFrag's three-hour livestream recording where he systematically destroys each and every room like he was a pre-Ark degenerate in a house party. Good stuff. Lethalfrag will have a place in my kingdom.

TG: The allegorical references were among my favorite parts of the game. The monsters, the story, many of the weapons and gear, and even the layouts of several rooms were based on Biblical mytholog-- I mean, truth. The Binding of Isaac was a critical revelation when it was first released, although I don't think too many people heard the good news. The developers are proselytizing, though, and releasing a new and improved sprite-based version soonish. Have you heard of it, Master?



YK: What? Sorry, I can't hear you over all this ECONOMY plummeting! Man, these God problems.

Oh yes, The Binding of Isaac was something else. Really rustled the plimsolls of the soccer moms who saw it as yet another infringement of their religious rights. Not that I enjoy all that blasphemy that went on with that game! I mean, that strawman Christian mom who attempted to kill her kid because she was... insane and being brainwashed by televangelists... hmm. Or one of the endings, where Isaac defeats his mom by dropping a Bible on her head. That's a straight up... metaphor suggesting... that, uhh, truly studying the Word will... prevent ignorance li--okay. I guess there wasn't any blasphemy at all! LOL! Humans still say LOL, right?



The Binding of Isaac: Rebirth, yes. Hopefully your sausage-like fingers will be able to better calculate Isaac's hitbox now that you can clearly delineate it from everything else! ZAP. You just been blessed!

TG: Yowza bo bowza! Thank god for you, Jesus!

So the game is being reborn, just like you on this most blessed day.

He lives! He lives! Christ Jesus lives today!

He walks with me and talks with me along life's narrow way.

He lives! He lives! Salvation to impart!

You ask me how I know He lives? He lives within my heart.

YK: Shalom, suckas.



Originally published by Kambyero, a Philippine blog for videogame discourse.









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