NOTE: Long story short: I don't have Photoshop right now. Hopefully my stand-ins work alright :)
This is what you've all been waiting for: the death knell for reviews full of dirty bias, horrendous unobjectivity and antiquated "opinions" is about to sound. Yes, the following is a divine mandate, a glorious and scientifically objective monolith whose shadow will forever cover up the repulsive and disfigured face of so-called "reviews" forevermore. These are the signs of an awesome game.
1. Cows murder at least one character.
Examples: Diablo II, Earthworm Jim
As obvious as it may be, this is a definitive list and so I have to mention it. Any game featuring bovines getting their murder on is an instant masterpiece. After centuries of having their teets pulled on by their cruel human overlords surely cows deserve some recompense. In fact, I don't understand how anyone can watch a mighty bessie overthrowing years of tyranny by straight up slaying the fools that used to oppress him/her and not find it MOOving!
*Drum fill, audience applause*
2. Your character wields a weapon at least as large as himself.
Examples: Final Fantasy VII, Marvel Vs. Capcom II (Iron Man's bigass cannon)
Nothing says "awesome" quite like a weapon that's so large as to be completely useless were it real. The reason for this is obvious: in game weapons, like real-life weapons, are simply penis substitutes. And as we all know: the bigger and the more metallic the better. You may notice that this entry is male-specific and that's because I honestly can't think of any female characters that fit the bill. If there is one, then she has a massive metal clitoris. And no, you can't have that gold mine of a domain name, but you're all welcome to visit massivemetalclitoris.com and pay for the premium content if you'd like.
SUPER hot, amirite?
(Ed: this was actually written before Byonetta's massive hair monsters hit the scene. I hereby declare that the above be read as gender neutral)
3. Infinite Ammo
Examples: Ikaruga, Contra
If your game does not give me infinite ammo at all times, then I am NOT INTERESTED. That's right, I can't even stand to look at a screenshot of a game that didn't have infinite ammo. I mean the mere idea that I would ever have to lift my finger off of the fire button makes me so sad/angry/aroused that I want to vomit.
That sketchy Chinese food I had the other night may also have something to do with it.
4. The title has a 'Z' in it.
Examples: Pretty much the whole "Imagine" series I'm pretty sure but can't be bothered to check,
Zoop, Zack McKracken and the Alien Mindbenders
As if you would need anymore proof than to feast your eyes upon my sexamples (those games are all DAMN sexy), also consider how many words you wouldn't be able to spell without the letter 'Z': hertz, zebra, eXistenz, zippity doo dah, bling steez, the list goes on. Would you want to live in a world without the letter 'Z'? I should think not good sir/madam!
5. It argues either that war has or hasn't changed.
Examples: Fallout series, Metal Gear Solid Series
The great debate rages on. Does war change or not? On one hand Snake tells us that war has changed and cites the encrochment of nano technology, genetic engineering and the advancement of technology as irrefutable reasons. On the other: Ron Pearlman tells us that war never changes and elaborates by highlighting the fact that the human component that guides the weapons and declarations of war remains unchanged by years of evolution and technical advancement.
I DUNO WHAT I THNK CUZ I LIEK XXXPLOSIONZ ADN THAT SCENE IN GOW3 WHER CRATOES BANGS THAT CHICK IS SWEET> HIGH 5 BRO!!!!!11!! HES THE GOW SO CRATOES NOS BEST RITE? WAR NEVER NOT BANGS HOT CHICKS THEN!111! WHATEEVER PEECE
6. The characters are well developed, the story an epic tale that touches the heart and teaches us all something about ourselves and the gameplay innovates while remaining accessible and fun for players of all walks of life.
Examples: Bloody Roar 2, ET, Golden Tee
Just kidding. No one cares about any of that.
7. It has bangin' in it.
Examples: A Litany of Bioware Games, God of War Series
The key here is the potential variety of Bangin'. It could be lady-lady or lady-dude or dude-lady bangin', just not dude-dude bangin' because baby Jesus wouldn't approve (PTL
). The only thing that matters is that it gets you off. Thus, bangin' isn't so much an act as a frame of mind. See a dude handing a lady some ammo that she then slides into a gun and that that gives you an erection/wet lips? That's bangin'. Here a lady support character tell you to go do something painful and your teets start lactating/your man-boobs quiver with joy? That's bangin'. See a dude talk to an NPC and you start choking a puppy while masturbating/stab yourself in the kidney for sexual release? That's bangin'.
Remember: it takes all types to make the world go 'round.
8. It has a song that just won't leave your skull.
Examples: Persona 3: FES (basically every song, but especially the battle themes), 'Splosion Man (EVERYBODY LOVES DONUTS), Space Jam
There are two ways the above can occur: either the song is really catchy and the chorus gets stuck in your head or you hear the song so many goddamn times that you just can't extricate it. Even though it isn't bad music -quite the opposite in fact- the music from Persona 3: FES, which I have been exposed to for a whopping 180 hours at this point, will forever be etched into my memory. It's been a long road, but this week I will officially finish the game after almost 3 years of off and on grinding and perseverance so I figured I'd shoehorn all that into this article somehow.
So, what were we talking about? Right.
9. Here's a really simple but delicious Chicken Mango Curry. Don't be afraid to add more curry paste, it's a little bland without some more kick, and using peaches is also a good way to go. Just make sure that you taste as you go.
Fried shallots is a good way to go if you ask me.
So as you can see, awesome videogames simply don't exist as one has not yet been made that contains all of the above. Therefore I would suggest that now that we have an objective scale on which to judge games (awesome or not awesome) that we retroactively give all games a 0 (not awesome) and whatever theoretical future games that may be awesome a 1 and call it a day.
Conclusion 2: The Concluding
Thanks for reading my material, I always appreciate it. I've been away from Dtoid for a while (used to post quite often) but had a night of freedom so I figured I'd finish an old article that I started a while back when I was in Singapore. I've been really busy for some time now, but I'd like to let all the people that know me on Dtoid that I'm still around. Even if I'm not posting or in IRC or on LIVE or whatever, I'm still here. Hopefully I'll be able to scam my way to another PAX this year to party with everyone again, but if not know that I still think of all of you from time to time.
-Cameron "The GHost" O'Connor