This article was originally written for NegativeGamer.com. Usually I wouldn't post anything from another site that I wrote, but here I just couldn't resist since this is such big news and all ;)

Note: I did this in a hurry so spelling and grammar may be suspect :(



Sources within Nintendo have finally spilled the beans on what they call a “long overdue project to remove nasty, hate-filled things from this world” by announcing that the family friendly company will be buying Microsoft’s console gaming division. According to our high-level source inside the Big N, the move is not being made with profit in mind. Rather it is the next step to further cleanse the world of all hardcore gamers, which – as our source was quick to remind us – are nothing but violent time-bombs waiting to go off in a hedonistic flurry of destruction and death. When asked to elaborate, we received this response...

We at Nintendo have been trying extremely hard to get rid of “hardcore gamers” by introducing such titles as “Wii Fit” and “Wii Music” and discouraging the sale of violent 3rd party games by slipping subliminal messages into their commercials and box art. Unfortunately we can only do so much when there are other companies out there that encourage the scourge of “hardcore gamers”, those ner-do-wells, and it is up to us to stop them. We feel this way because not only are we the only company with the moral fibre to carry out this crusade, but we also had a hand in creating those monsters with our previous products.

The details of the takeover include all new XBox 360s being painted bright primary colours with pictures of ponies and rainbows on them, as well as being renamed “Electronic Family Fun Machines”. The entire catalogue of 360 games will also be removed from both store shelves and personal collections via roving Nintendo-approved death squads, which will torture and kill any man, woman or child foolish enough to try and stop them. Those games will then be replaced with new casual and family friendly titles, such as “Positive Outlook: Train Your Soul In Minutes A Day!” and “Senior Citizen Games Fun Pack”.

Also announced were some major changes to XBox Live. Word has it that the service will still function, but all XBLA and store content will be removed along with voice chat, text chat, the party system, and the ability to play games online. Avatars will also be replaced with Miis, all Gamertags will be changed to inoffensive default names such as “SunshineRainbow257” and friend codes will be a requirement. Added features will include a daily message of praise designed to lift up the players spirits, such as “You’re a very special person!” and “Wow! You look really good today! :D”.

Personally, I approve of this new direction. With the release of such sick, violent titles like "Children’s Miracle Network Family Game Pack” and “Madagascar 2: Escape to Africa” Microsoft has clearly stepped over the line and must be stopped before they train another generation of “hardcore gamers”. If even one of those sickos gets a hold of a redeemer or a BFG 9000, there’s no telling how much damage he could do.

When asked for comment on future plans, our source simply said...

We are currently developing a game based on the Bedazzler for the Playstation 3. Or should I say, the Tween-Machine 3! MUHAHAHAHAHA!!