Tales in which Carter puts down the controller for a break and fails to pick it back up...

"What the fuck is wrong with these people? You'd think they were all junkies or some-"


I think to myself and remember the hypodermic syringe in my pocket, full of what may or may not be Nuka-Cola in a non-distilled form. It is shiny after all. And everybody seems to be dressed for some kind of occasion. I could also see how it would be misconstrued as a raver toy. Too bad I'm not much for social gatherings.

::whispers heard from the shadows::

"Who's there?! Stay back! I have a shotgun!"

They call this place Rapture, I assume initially out of a fondness for the textbook definition. I've been here a few hours and can tell that it now refers to a certain other textbook's definition of the term. Atlas, whose accent is alluring to say the least, implores me to save his family from the clutches of these fiends who are in dire need of facial plastic surgery. I empathize with the guy. I really do. But seriously, do I look like a one-man-army? Well, I suppose you can't tell that through the radio, but I'd think it safe to assume a person who just barely survived a fucking plane crash would not be in a condition to battle hordes of mutant druggies, weaponized sentry bots, and brave a dilapidated underwater city on the goddamn verge of collapse. I mean, I still empathize, man. But come the fuck on.

"Why do you want to wrap me in a sheet?! I don't even know what that means!!"

I just got here and you've already got me mainlining weird fluids - which under normal circumstances I'd usually be okay with. And while I appreciate your navigational efforts, there's just something that doesn't sit quite right with me as I blow away fairly unattractive women with a .45 Tompson. Granted, they are violently psychotic and trying to kill me. But I don't have anything to do with this. It's not my family. As a matter of fact, I don't even know why I'm still here!

"Don't come any closer! I have electric shells! Which actually seems kinda counter-intuitive for an underwater city... I mean, when you think about it, the last thing you would want to have flying around here-ISAIDSTAYBACK!!"

You know what, Atlas? Fuck you. And fuck this noise. I'm sorry shit went to hell down here, but you're on your own. What the hell did you expect to happen when I'd have finally found your family? Supposing they weren't raped and eaten and killed, getting them back to you would be an even bigger challenge than getting to them alone! I may be a coward - and if I were any more of one I'd turn this thing on myself - but I'm just trying rationalize the situation here.

::a discarded casing clatters on the ground::

I don't know how this sphere-bath-thing works, but as soon its operational, I'm getting the fuck outta here... Well yeah, there's nowhere really to go up top... And there's no food there... But there aren't any homicidal maniacs. Or fuckers on big screen TVs who think I'm here to collect their taxes. I'm just a guy. A nobody. And I don't need this stress.
Now leave me alone.

*curls up in a dark corner, rocking back and forth while petting his shotgun*

Highest Numerical Rank - Lowest Playing Value

I'll take a caffeine-free Diet Cherry Shasta. On the rocks.


I'm a guy of few and simple desires: When I get hungry; I eat. When I get tired; I sleep. When I get bored of one thing, I'll probably sleep then, too. I'm comfortable with the bare minimum. Mediocrity has been a mainstay of my life as far as I can remember - many times, not by choice. While growing up in a lower-middle class environment with several older siblings, you tend to get the short-end of things in terms of quality. Worn out hand-me-downs, cheap knock-offs at Christmas, spoiled food, etc. I like to think this is a very good base for knowing what is and isn't "good"... Because you start out knowing what bullshit tastes like.

Now, I realize someone saying they have good taste in general is about as presumptuous as a guy saying they know how women operate. Taste is subjective and almost everybody's is different. Mine will differ from yours, his from hers. This is also a good thing. "Variety is the spice.." as they say. Bearing that, I'm not saying Good Taste is my expertise, but rather, discerning quality is.


I also realize a lot of people can claim the same thing. I mean, that's how a majority is formed, after all. It's also how producers and developers know when to do the same thing over, and over again. I've found on several occasions, that the majority can be either bland as hell, or off its fucking rocker. And so I've made it a habit to walk the unbeaten path every now and then. Don't just use all mozzarella for your veggie lasagna, damn it. Throw some cheddar and jack on it! Spontaneity can be surprisingly refreshing, if not pleasantly enlightening. I believe this is a requisite for discerning quality, because how can you really say something is good when you don't try what's outside the norm or mainstream. For all you may know, something outside the norm could suit you better. But you'll never know unless you make the effort to try for it. The spice, people. Don't take it for granted.

The most important qualifiers for such an allegation: experience and objectivity. How the hell are you gonna know what something is about if you don't try it yourself? Dive right in. Take a bite. Get an earful. When you come back up, you have every right to say it's shit. But is it shit to everyone, or just you and your circle? If you don't tell the difference, then the data gets skewed doesn't it? You have to step outside yourself and crisscross differing perspectives you've learned from previously. It goes a long way for knowing what material is heavily informed by a particular culture, genre, or subject. Or that their vanilla sorbet should not be served with whip cream and hot fudge. It also goes a long way for saying "It's not for everyone" rather than, "It fails because I don't get it / it's not more like X".

The famous quote "I don't know much about art, but I know what I like" comes to mind when I think about this in a broad sense. There's an intrinsic cord that can be struck with most people, and being an observer: a watcher of human behavior, I can tap into that. It's a very helpful talent when deciphering and reinterpreting a certain action or thought process into layman's terms, or ascertaining what kind of emotion(s) a rhythm and melody evokes. It allows me to be a sponge for the aural and visual arts. The final qualifier: acceptance. Taking it all in and being able to tell what is and isn't appealing; to a general audience and a target demographic. I may not like it particularly, but I know who will. I can still see its merits... if it has any.


Most big games these days are on a different level when it comes to this. It's not like a 5 minute song or a 90 minute movie. The same could be said for a TV series. Or a novel, if those still exist. You're basically marathon tasting, and you won't get the full flavor until you finish the whole thing. Especially when it comes to RPGs. It's a scary notion putting 25+ hours into a watermelon candy shell; only to find that it has a black licorice center (no offense to those who like black licorice, but what the fuck). But that's a part of having the experience, you see. You shouldn't regret putting the time in. Catalog it to bring out for later comparing and contrasting. Possibly use it as a fair warning for those brewing a similar concoction.

Experience makes all the difference because that's what hard work will be judged by in terms of quality. The longer and more varied the curricula vitae of what you've played/watched/eaten/listened to, the better. Because not only will you have more insightful criticism for the product at hand, there's a greater chance that others will learn from your example; including the developers, the directors, the writers, the chefs, the musicians, etc. Especially with bigger productions, you'll be judging the combined efforts of several teams of people. Your experience gives you a good eye, and/or ear, and/or tongue for where the weakness in something is. If there's someone to blame for a fuck-up, you'll know exactly who to point to.

If not, go the objective route. Just step back and critique on the whole what they could've done better, whether it was your cup of tea or not. Then learn to accept the incoming flack about what you may not have known, and the differing perspectives that may put things into a new context. Take it in. Do the research. Then, next time, maybe you'll sound like you know what the hell you're talking about. Disregarding any of that, you're likely going to wind up sounding like the fanboys and pseudocritics who get shit-bricked on by the larger community.



This skill extends to most other things I've dabbled in. Music, film, food, and for a time extensively, comedy.



Comedy is a sensitive subject when it comes to "good taste". And honestly, you'd have to be some kind of giant dick to spout that you have spectacular comedic taste. That's not to say I'm guiltless of this... In fact, I think I'm pretty fucking genius when it comes down to it. Truth be told, that's how you have to think if you want to progress anywhere. However, there are way too many people, and too many styles of humor to actually claim that mine or yours is the best. I have a very broad sense of humor; this goes back to taking it all in. I'm a fan of the brazenly juvenile, and a bigger fan of clever subversion.

But if you're producing the funny yourself, you've gotta know your audience and where lines should be drawn. What's awkward, though, is that sometimes, probably many times, the wrong audience will find you. And they will let you know that you fail at life. Again, where should the lines be drawn? Should you accommodate for these new people, or stand your ground and say that your style is your own? Surely, if your bit has merits, then you'll have an audience, and hence, some back up. I've come to see nowadays that the internet inflects these things greatly, for better or for worse.

Huh. Going over that, it sounds more universal rather than for anything specific...



Most people attribute Good Taste with a desire for the finer things in life - made only from the freshest and highest quality ingredients. But that's not what I'm talking about. You can say quality is in the eye of the beholder, but it takes a trained eye to spot potential and make an influential judgment. And it pays off bigger to be versatile in your tastes, because you get to enjoy and experience more. I'm talking about breaking something down and seeing if it's more than the sum of its parts. Then knowing when to recommend, when not to, and to who. Only then can you truly tell if something is...



Highest Numerical Rank - Lowest Playing Value

See what I did there, comrade?


I'm gonna tell you right off the bat, the story for this video game is completely irrelevant. If you haven't heard of the comic book it's based on, or even if you have, you're not going to bother with pre- and post-level briefings. First of all, it's not even worth it. Secondly, you won't be able to. Your trigger finger will be too itchy to sit still. Even with fairly outdated graphics, The Red Star gives you enough quality, frenetic gameplay to urge you on to the next level, and the next after that. You don't need an original premise for a game like this - just make sure you have enough adrenaline (and patience) to last.



About 2/3 of the game plays as a 3D side-scrolling beat 'em up. The first level gives you the rundown of your controls and abilities. Also welcome is that every level also gives you a heads up throughout as to the best way to defeat a new enemy, via the in-game menu. After that, it's up to you to devise the best plan for dispatching entire squads of them. The controls are simple enough and take no more than an hour getting used to, though a button configuration option would've been nice. The other third is classic shooter style action, the likes of which you've seen in Geometry Wars, Ikaruga and others. Each stage flows seamlessly between these two styles of gameplay, keeping the energy high, and the challenges increasingly difficult. There's no doubt you're gonna be banging your head against a wall when that last smidgen of your health is taken out, right when you thought you had that boss.

That's not to say it's hard for the sake of it. The game promotes major hand-eye coordination skill, and all it takes is persistence... and perhaps a little bit of luck when up against later bosses. However, it seems the lock-on mechanism would be the only drawback: it's not always 100% accurate with whatever target you're trying to aim for when there are plenty of baddies on the screen shooting and charging at you, so you're gonna have to make an extra effort maneuvering around. A small detraction, but still noticeable. Perhaps on purpose? After each level, you are given a rank (A-C) and points accordingly. Then you are treated to a menu of upgrades to use the points on.



There isn't much in the way of extra content, but just enough to up the replay value. After beating the game, you unlock the last playable character and an arena mode, wherein you fight to achieve cheats for the regular game. It's up to the individual player if they wish to continue that far. Just finishing the initial game is enough to make you throw your controller up in triumph and then move on, unless you want to tackle it again with a friend in co-op.

Obviously the graphics are not the high point of the game. They were probably going to be for its 2004 release. Nonetheless, they get the job done. There are no FMVs or any CG artwork. Though the comic book is known for its extremely high quality artwork, we only get a taste of it through the video game, which is a shame. This may be the first and last time we get to see this great original source material reproduced in a satisfactory manner. The potential for the sheer awesomeness of the comic series to shine in this entertainment venue is undoubtedly high.



But like I said, we just get a small nibble here, but that seems to be enough to make it hard for anyone to find fault. The action looks good, no frame rate slowdowns, and the level designs are clever, though there's nothing outstanding to appreciate as far as in-game art. Except, of course, for the explosions. Which there are more than enough of.

There isn't so much a story told through pre-level "INCOMING MESSAGE" segments with voiceless text, as they are mission briefings. The only indication we get of the playable characters' personalities is through their distinct, ruthless fighting styles. This is also a shame, because the comic is also acclaimed for its epic character-driven story as well. But with the trouble that went on near the end of the game's development, one wonders if that was the cause of the totally underwhelming story-telling. We may never know.

Thankfully, the music isn't as underplayed as the plot. Quite the opposite. It retains the feel you would get if you were reading the action scenes of the comic: industrial techno with epic strings, horns, some military drums, and a soviet choir in the background that would get you pumped up for the battle of your life! They switch it up with middle eastern flutes and motifs for the desert levels. In the final stages, they throw in a bit of heavy electric guitar for good measure. Definite cinematic quality. The sound effects are treated with the same care. Futuristic whurrs, gun/cannon charges, and explosions all sound great, especially if you have surround sound. Even the enemy grunts each have their own distinct little battle and death cries. All of this together equates to a fun soundtrack worthy of recognition.

A perfect pick-up for casual gamers and hardcore veterans alike... The Red Star solidifies that there's no school like the Old School.



Highest Numerical Rank - Lowest Playing Value