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For the basics, check out my forum intro thread.

Or for the lazy, here's all you really need to know about me summed up in one picture:

Now that that's done with, let's move onto the blog itself. This blog isn't going to contain any news. Like EVER. Like NEVER EVER FOREVER NEVER. I have no intention of doing anything other than posting original content (mostly just pictures that I make with my extremely limited photoshop skills along with original stories and whatnot). The bottom line is that I think that there are plenty of people doing editorial/reviewer style content already, and so instead of adding to the glut, I'll just stick to what I know:

Dicking around :D

Now enjoy... or DON'T!

My one year anniversary: I did a bunch of traveling and met a bunch of Dtoiders whilst doing so. Here's my one year anniversary/travel summary audio c-blog.

Other work: I also write for a site called Negative Gamer which was started by Wardrox. It's super cool and full of dinosaurs. RAWR!

Destructoid Cards

I've made many a card for many a Dtoider after getting the idea from a forum thread in which Atheistium posted a template and a challenge. Currently I'm a little too busy with school/work/fighting enemies of truth and justice to make more, but I'll get another batch out eventually. Here are links to all my Dtoid card posts!

FooLiz, Blehman and Requests: The beginning

Booster Pack 1
Booster Pack 2
Booster Pack 3
Booster Pack 4
Booster Pack 5
Booster Pack 6
Booster Pack 7
Booster Pack 8
Booster Pack 9
Booster Pack 10
Booster Pack 11
Booster Pack 12
Booster Pack 12.5
Booster Pack 13
Booster Pack 14

Secret Booster Pack 1
Secret Booster Pack 2
Secret Booster Pack 3

Rules Post 1
Rules Post 2

Cards (jpegs)
Photohop Files

Frontpaged Posts

Destructoid card wrap-up post
Katamari Damacy: The Ultimate Murder Simulator?
Why Fanboys Are Better Than You

(Header images from
Following (26)  

Iím going to keep the ball that Silver Dragon, Jesus H. Christ and Y0j1mb0 got rolling with another ď10 things you donít knowĒ c-blog. So if you care to get some insight to what makes me tick, by all means stick around!

10. I prefer the PC version

Very rarely will I buy a game for a console when I can get it for the PC. The reasons are pretty simple and practical: nine times out of ten the PC gets better DLC and patching support, often the PC version gets the major bonus of having an actual online community that makes mods etc., the keyboard and mouse are my preferred method of control for most games because of its accuracy and versatility and I find that multiplayer games on the PC tend to have fewer jackasses playing them compared to the console version.

9. I used to be a Biochemist

Before becoming a medical student, I was a biochemist. I worked in genetics and proteins for about two years on two major projects (breast cancer and tuberculosis) before deciding that I didnít want to spend my career in a lab. After that I took off for Africa to do volunteer work for 6 months or so before traveling around for fun for a bit. Now I'm all settled in Australia and ready to get a new life started... again :)

P.S. I'm Canadian

8. I replay Earthbound every few months

It was the game that changed my perspective on all other games and convinced me that titles that werenít ALL ACTION ALL THE TIME!!!1!!1! could be really fun. More than that, it showed me that games can actually be emotionally engaging. Although the story isnít super complex and the characters arenít well developed, I found myself caring about their journey. That was the first time that ever happened to me.

Iíll probably also start playing through Mother 3 every few months now too :)

7. My first time posting anything online, text or otherwise, was about a year ago

Thatís right. Iím new to the internets! I had never posted in any forums or anything until I started playing TF2 on the server. I started posting there and then shortly thereafter started posting on Destructoid, and Iíve been here ever since. I really need to go back and start posting on themachine again. Lots of good people over there...

6. I must 100% every Metroidvania game that I play

I donít know why. But for some reason if I play a Metroidvania game I will not stop until I have the awesome ending, the map completely explored and all of the little side-missions and extra content finished. Although Iíve done the 100% thing before in other games, in no other series do I feel compelled to explore every little nook and cranny like I do in all of the Metroidvania games.

Itís weird.

5. The first game I ever finished was Super Mario Land for the Gameboy

Not much else to say except that Super Mario Land fucking owns your ass.

4. I miss having a dog to play games with

Back in the day my family had a dog, and that pooch used to sit down next to me on the couch while I spent countless hours honing my skills and throwing controllers across the room. Whenever I got frustrated I would just pet my faithful companion and that would relax me enough to pick up the controller and try to get past those goddamn medusa heads/spike traps/bottomless pits etc. Now that sheís gone, and Iíve been living in places that donít allow pets, I find myself reaching over to pet a phantom doggy sometimes when I play games for long periods of time.

R.I.P. Mocha :(

3. I think that Kurt Vonnegut is fucking awesome

Kurt Vonnegut is probably my favourite author. He writes incredibly weird and imaginative books (most famously Slaughterhouse 5), but thereís a method to his madness that draws me to his work. I would highly recommend reading his short memoirs called ďA Man Without A CountryĒ. Itís incredibly short. So short in fact that you could probably read it while standing in the book store if youíre determined enough, but man is it ever good.

2. I keep imagining what PAX í09 will be like

Itís fucking months away, I have a very slim chance of going (plans are in place, but they are pretty stupid. Unless they work, in which case they are brilliant) and I really shouldnít be thinking about it so much, but PAX is on my mind almost all the time right now. I just keep thinking about what could happen and how awesome it would be to see everyone again and I keep creaming myself. My pants are constantly covered in semen and itís making my life very difficult. Moreover, I find myself browsing all of my PAX and Dtoid world tour pictures (which will be chronicled in my upcoming 1 year anniversary blog) and sighing wistfully almost every time I get bored. If the stars align and I do make it to Seattle, Iíll have dozens of elaborate plans arranged because Iíll have spent the last 12 months doing nothing but thinking them up.

If you are thinking about going to PAX stop reading this right now and go book your goddamn flight and hotel room. You will not be sorry.

1. Iím going to be writing for Negative Gamer!

Next week my first post will be going up. Woo hoo! Thanks Wardrox :)

I've put this up in the forums, but I wanted to share it with all of you that never leave the front page :)

Here are the major events that made up my evening:

Just another lame-ass day...



But something is missing. This isnít a proper celebration yet. Oh no, now itís...

So I put on my backpack and headphones and went to the liquor store of course!

After a few drinks I wanted to spin a beautiful woman around while we both laughed long into the night in shared joy. But Iíve only been in Australia a short while and have yet to convince any beautiful women that
Iím dateable, so I made due.


P.S. FooLizís boyfriend showed me that beer that I bought. Itís James Squire and itís the fucking TITS.

P.P.S. If you're an Australian and have yet to sign up for the Dtoid Australia Google group. DO IT NOW! :D


Not much to say intro-wise other than Iím slowly working on blogs in between moving to Australia, getting everything set-up for school and getting a place to stay, so things are moving sloooooowwwllly. If all goes well Iíll have a bunch of free time next week just before classes start, in which case Iíll be able to finish this little project.

Also, I miss my forums :(

Booster 14: Rape Closet

Eternalplayer2345 card notes: Now I donít now this guy all that well, but I think itís safe to say that heís a Retrofan GO! :) For any curious parties, the portrait is Detective Conan, which coincidentally is also his avatar of choice. Eternalplayer is also a brave soul, and he proved it by jumping in front of the angry masses to defend the notion that there is hope yet for Nintendo. His weakness was especially easy to come up with because itís the same as mine: Earthbound and Mother 3. Interestingly enough heís also a fan of Anticipation and since he seems to have similar taste in games to myself I think I may have to check it out (the box art alone pretty much sold me, just look how much FUN theyíre having! :D). Not content to just sit around and read the site, Eternalplayer has also hugged Jim Sterling in an inappropriate (or appropriate depending on who you ask) location during the great hug-off of í09.

Also, boo homophobes!

Mikey card notes: Okay, so he may not have the most clever screen name, but one look at his art and all is forgiven. Not since Ceark and his awesomeness has there been an artist in the community that has taken on a big Dtoid project like this amazing comic. Not only is he rocking the aforementioned comic, but Mikey has also been taking requests on what to draw from the community. If you havenít stopped by his blog yet, youíre missing out on one of the best things happening in the community right now. Iím not fucking kidding, this guy rules. Something that his art may have overshadowed is his dedication to high quality costumes, which has been chronicled in Mikeyís first blog. Keep up the great work Mikey!

Counting Conflict card notes: If you donít know, then Iím here to tell you: Counting Conflict is a drunk, heavily bearded, crazy-ass, cool-ass motherfucker. He is also the mastermind behind the drunken IRC based community awards. Unfortunately he has also experienced several traumatic losses, specifically heís gone through five XBoxsí, hence the red ring ability icons. Did I mention that he and Yojimbo have something of a beard rivalry? Well here are some pics of Yojimbo for reference. If you ever want to feel the awesome of Mr. Conflict, just hop on IRC and get your pants down, heíll probably be there to give you a nice warm greeting.
FYI: In IRC, rape is the customary greeting.

Tactix card notes: I actually had too many things to put on one card here, so Iíll put the big one that I missed up first. Tactix started a little something called Dtoid Community Discusses, which is a great little idea that parallels the semi-regular Dtoid Discusses front page posts. Check it out and let Tactix know if youíre interested in participating!

OK, Iím done with the boring stuff. Letís get to the rape closet :)

I had the immense pleasure of spending quite a bit of time with Tactix both when I was in LA, where we both stayed with Aerox, and in San Francisco, where I stayed in his apartment one night. Now you all need to understand something. I love Tectix, heís an amazing guy, no doubt about it. But I did get a bit weirded out when I saw his rape closet. Itís in his bathroom, and itís a trap door about head level that opens into a room with a bed. I cannot stress how strange this room is or what horrors go on in there. Unfortunately I donít have pictures, but trust me. Itís strange. Letís abruptly change subjects shall we? Methinks a whole new paragraph is in order!

Thatís better. Now as everyone in IRC knows, Tactix is the source of all things science. Just head into the channel and yell SCIENCE! And Tactix will be there in a flash to answer your no doubt ridiculous question. On top of that you can always count on Tactix to drop the high-class fashion bomb. Wherever he goes he sets the scene with his trademark fedora, which has spawned a series of imitators, but we all know who started it. Something else you should know is that when Tactix gets drunk, he gets gay. Itís crazy to watch, but believe you me: it happens. Heís also a big Chad Concelmo fan and has a thing for Squirtle. Something that he advertises via his Rio made Squirtle hat. I could go on for several more paragraphs, but I donít want to gush too much. All you need to know is that Tactix is a bad-ass motherfucker and he WILL rape you in Street Fighter II (using a pink T. Hawk), Marvel Vs. Capcom II and his rape closet.

Ben Perlee card notes: Another awesome guy that I got to hang out with in San Francisco. You may also see Ben moonlighting as TopgearGorilla (his old account) or just Topgear (in IRC). Donít be scared, he only bites if you ask him to.

Ben also seems to have two fetishes: chickens (cocks) and aviators. The aviators I can understand, but you got me as to why cocks. Well thatís actually not true, I think we ALL know why cocks :) Anyways, he and Tactix both attend the same school, so Iíd bet dollars to donuts that he holds the record for seeing the inside of the legendary rape closet.

Ben is also a fanboy for gaming industry people, something that springs from his great love of not just games, but the people that make them and write about them. Heís also trying to break into the industry so wish him luck! Heís a great guy and I hope that he makes it :)


Stop. Donít do it. Donít ask me for a card, please. Iím still getting requests (and re-requests) from people almost daily and thereís no way that I can make it through all of them. Asking me for a card wonít get you moved up the list.

Thatís all I have to say about that. So, uh, stay in school kids!

Random quote... EXECUTE!

"I am Grimm Shado," said Grimm Shado, his triple wand claws extending. "And I am here to take it to the limit."
-The Song of the Sorcelator, page 179 (Penny Arcade)

I was going to include all of this stuff in my upcoming first birthday/Destructoid world tour (wherein the world consists of the UK, Canada, the US and Australia) wrap-up post, but once I had finished writing that thing it was 8 pages and that was without any pictures. Seriously, Hideo Kojima is more concise than I am. Anyways, while Iím busy cutting that thing down into something more manageable I figured that Iíd put up a post featuring some of the cool swag that I was sent in the last while. Hope you all enjoy coveting my stuff! :D

First I wanted to put up a new picture of my laptop, which Iíve been getting Dtoiders to sign since PAX. Unfortunately some signatures have worn off, but shortly after PAX I was able to get a hold of a clear adhesive sheet, so even though some of those signatures faded a bit before I got it on the rest are now totally safe. Iím trying to find another sheet to protect the other signatures. But havenít found anything quite yet. Hang in there little black felt marks!

(click the image for a larger version)

The next picture is me and some of my swag that has been arranged all pretty like.

Included in the swag are Detryís Dtoid secret Santa presents that he sent me (Ninja Gaiden II and Legend of Zelda), which are both fucking awesome games that I didnít already own. Thanks Detry! The Boo-Mario and copy of Dynamite Headdy I picked up while looking through some import/used game stores in LA with Naia and Zero Atma. The Super Metroid cart was generously donated to me by Dyson when I stayed at his place and we almost managed to beat it in one sitting with Topgear (Ben Perlee) looking on in amazement (fuck you Ridley!). The rest of the stuff I received from Colette and Niero just as I was heading to Australia. Iím not sure what else to say other than THANK YOU!!!!! :DDDDD Included in the package was a game gear, a copy of Legend of Illusion Featuring Mickey Mouse, a new Dtoid shirt (which replaces the one that I lost while I was in Africa), a Ninjatown sticker (which I think Iíll be putting on my backpack), and best of all: a Dtoid condom! Now that Iíve taken a picture of it I can go get laid. Iíll be right back...

I just want to once again thank you all for being fucking rockstars, especially the random swag bag from Colette and Niero; that was like Christmas all over again, but sexier and with more robots. While Iím at it Iíd like to publicly thank Aerox , Dyson, Naia and Zero Atma for giving me places to stay while I was in LA and SF. You guys made that amazingly awesome trip possible for me. Iíd also like to thank a number of other stupendous people for a number of other incredible things, but Iíll save that for my 1 year post where Iíll do a run-down of all the Dtoid related traveling that Iíve been doing lately.

Also, apparently...

I love you too Dtoid. I love you too :D

P.S. <3

P.P.S. Relevant image: what Aerox does for fun.

P.P.P.S. Another relevant image: Gutless Wonder drops his pants at Dysons place. Look how happy CTZ is!

Photo Photo Photo

Tyra will be the first female president. She already has our childrens educations in mind.

When she takes over your internets THERE WILL BE NO ESCAPE.

She cups the balls and sucks like a hoover.

She gives people free cars.

She is a goddamn DOCTOR.

She writes under the pen name "Chad Concelmo" here at Destructoid.

She was on The Man Show

Never forget the true reason for Tyra Tuesday: Raptor Jesus, whom went extinct for our sins.


If you don't know what Snowflake day is, please educate yourself.

Anyways, I hope that everyone is enjoying the holidays as this will probably be the final holiday season before the complete and total collapse of the world economy sends us spinning into the dark abyss of anarchy and destruction. Considering that, what kind of pre-apocalyptic holiday would this be without some more Destructoid cards? A depressing one, that's what.


Booster Pack 14: The One Where Banj and Serp Corrupt Everyone That Comes Into Contact With Them

Banj card notes: This was a tough one because it's like trying to make a card for a force of nature; a force of nature that makes some of the best sexual innuendo you've never heard. Seriously: he takes it to places previously explored only in the most sensual and elaborate poetry. If you've never heard of this guy, then you've never been in the forums, in which case you've been missing out on another awesome facet of the greater Destructoid community. Case in point: if Destructoid was a city then a must see attraction would be the interplay between Banj and Serpentish. Just be careful that you don't get caught in the middle, unless of course that's what you want.

Unfortunately Banj has recently been reamed out by the man for the holiday season. At least it led to an awesomely derailed thread!

Sometimes Banj and or Serp will toss out an awesome quiz that will no doubt make you its bitch. Don't be afraid; just let it happen.

I know he rubs some people the wrong way, but I love this guy :)

Oh yeah, here's a related picture...

Serpentish card notes: Speaking of related; Serp and Banj are the second cards that I've ever added some sort of interaction between (the first being Atheistium and Pheonix Blood), which just makes a lot of sense. As I mentioned in Banj's card writeup, these two guys make the forums a much more interesting place to hang out, and by interesting I mean erotic. Both Banj and Serp were supposed to show up for PAX '08, but Banj decided to piss in an alley. Do you believe the story? WE REPORT: YOU DECIDE. (I've been away for a while, does FOX still use that slogan?)

The time warp thing is a reference to both the phenomenon of some forum posts appearing above previous posts (you reply to someone before they put their post up) and Serps ability to go back in time and bang your mom.

Who's your daddy?

Portrait picture was provided by Detry/Aerox, and is fucking AWESOME, and the ability icons are the ubiquitous foxes that Serp uses as his avatar. Did I mention that I love this guy too?

Anus McPhanus card notes: There seems to be a running theme here. You see, I also love this guy. You see, when I went to the UK, McPhanus was basically a case study in how to be an awesome person. He was very accomodating, allowing myself and Justice to stay at his place when the tubes were shut down for the night, he was a lot of fun to hang out with and talk to, and I beat him in some wacky Japanese arcade game using only one hand. PERFECT! :)

Not only is McPhanus awesome in the real world, but he's pretty great with them innernets that the kids seem to like. For example: take a look at his deconstruction of Rev Ants deconstruction, or his feel the hatred article, which might look at reviews a little differently than you might be used to. Really all you need to see though is his MvC drinking gam to realize that this little AZN packs plenty of win with him.

Now many people qualify for the "Best Of Both Worlds" ability, but I figured it's as apt in this case as it is in many others, so why not use it here? We also talked a bit about that whole subject in person when I was in the UK, so that also makes me associate the idea with him a bit more than others. Regardless, as the ability (and really most of the rest of this booster) suggests: the forums are a fine place to hang out too :)

P.S. For your protection I've removed my ugly mug from the picture :)

Nintendoll card notes: One of the coolest ladies of both Destructoid and Negative Gamer, something I can personally attest to after having met her at the amazingness that you're all sick of hearing about: PAX '08. On the interwebs Nintendoll holds it down by posting front page worthy memories of Harvest Moon 64 and giving us powerful insights into the workings of her sometimes booze addled brain.

Nintendoll is also a founding member of what I'm going to call the Black Yoshi Brigade. It's a coalition of coolness made up of Nintendoll, Suff0cat, Wardrox, and ScottyG, all of whom bought matching Black Yoshis at PAX.

Black Yoshi also has his own blog!

Now, on her c-blog sidebar Nintendoll says that she hates the Atlantic Ocean. I can only guess as to why that is :)


I had some stuff that I was going to write here, but it's Christmas eve and I'm going to go get drunk now instead and post this on Christmas day*

*Or the day after, whatever.

Random quote... EXECUTE!