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6:33 PM on 08.16.2008

Gaming In Zambia (Also: Hi Destructoid, I Missed You)

Dear Destructoid,

Baby I know it’s been a while, but I was hoping we could pick up where we left off. You see Destructoid, I tried to call, I really did, but I’ve been in a rural area in Zambia for the last couple of months teaching nursing and the internet that was available was so slow that it cost me almost $10 Canadian (which looks like its at about parity with the American dollar these days) to send a single e-mail at the local internet cafe, and trying to browse you pretty much caused the computer to turn into a smoking piece of slag. What I’m really trying to say here is that although you’ve got a bunch of new editors (super huge grats to all of you) and new faces in the community, I was hoping that we could get along like old times.

Who loves ya baby?

So yeah, I’m back and my plans have changed a bit. Right now I’m in London, but I’m only here for less than 24 hours (originally it was going to be a week) because I had to change my plans to accommodate a med school interview back in Canada (for the University of Sydney no less. Strange no?), so unfortunately I won’t be able to meet with any UK Dtoiders before I take off. On the plus side, I’m still coming to PAX, just need to work out exactly when I'll be getting into Seattle. Might be earlier than I originally planned...

‘Kay, enough with the “I’m back, pay attention to me” stuff, let’s rock the Zambian gaming scene!

To sum it up: there isn’t one, so you can take off your “wow that’s awfully surprising, I never would have thought that a third world country wouldn’t have a massive personal entertainment industry” face now. Oh sure, the two modern shopping centres in the capital have a few Wiis, 360s, PS2s (no PS3s that I saw, although there were some PS3 games around) and even a few PSPs for sale, but I didn’t see a single DS, and the only DS titles I could find were the following...

1. Nintendogs
2. Brain Training

So like I alluded to earlier: it’s not like you would ever expect to see much in the way of gaming in Zambia, but I’m just trying to give a bit of a feel for what availability is like. Basically the only place that you’ll find stuff is in the capital, and even then, you have to go to one of the very nice, clean, modern shopping centres, which look custom built for tourists.

I spent very little time in such places, but I did see a few things that were gaming related. One of these “things” was that the most popular barbershop in the area that I was living just so happened to have a PS2 hooked up for anyone to play while waiting, and apparently it’s a bit of a local hangout for some of the neighbourhood kids (I live pretty far from the place and I’ve never gone in, only passed by a few times, but I know some locals that told me what they knew). Now clearly the magical power of videogames is working, even in an extremely poor, rural place in a third world country where the power goes out every night between 6 and 9pm, as well as randomly throughout the day. Now that’s what I call hardcore fucking gaming.

During my time in Mongu (the town that I worked in) the only gaming stuff I saw for sale was this: THE MOHAWK GAME STATION! NOW ONLY K197 400!!

For those interested in the conversion, it’s about 3000 kwacha (Zambia’s national currency) to the dollar, meaning that the Mohawk costs around 65 dollars. There’s absolutely NO information on the box. That picture that you see is everything that I know about that thing.
In other news: the reason that much of Zambia’s infrastructure and economy is in shambles? Almost all government spending has been put towards making METAL GEARS!

Crazy, I know. The Japanese are going to be shitting their pants when they find out that they aren’t the only country with giant nuclear equipped walking battle tanks (and yes, I realize that the Metal Gear series isn’t set in Japan, quit breaking my balls).
Suffice it to say, there really isn’t much gaming related stuff to talk about during my time in Zambia, other than tedious personal anecdotes, so I’ll finish this little entry up here by leaving you with proof that I be representin’ the ‘toid wherever I go.

I also taught my nursing students while wearing that shirt.

See baby? I was thinking about you even if I couldn’t call.

Random quote... EXECUTE!

“Oh for fucks sake...”

- Me upon seeing the number of articles, news and games that I need to catch up on   read

11:39 AM on 06.08.2008

Destructoid Cards: Booster Pack 12 (Last One!)


Well it's been fun kids, but as of today I'm done making Destructoid cards. Unfortunately, I don't have much time, so the notes for these cards aren't going to be my usual extended commentary, rather they'll be extremely short but (hopefully) still informative, and should be enough to understand the various abilities. Sorry guys :(

At least this pack has 10 right? :D

Note: this pack was the first one made with some outside input. Thanks to everyone that was in Stickam the other night (the night of the insane nazi admin), you made my life easier :D

Before I leave the country I'll be putting up a big wrap-up post containing links to .rar files containing all the jpegs and Photoshop files that I've made/worked with, so stay tuned for that coming in the next day or two. Now enough with the babbling...


Booster Pack 12: Where's My Card Goddamnit! How Could You Not Make Me One?!

Cheeburga card notes:

- The Bedazzler (Thanks Rorsach!)
- Serious Dickbutt
- Emaul?: Think emo-maul.

Charlie Suh card notes:

- Charlie is Azn, thus Azn jokes are hilarious/original.
- When you get the Charlie card you MUST make up/yell out the longest most ridiculous attack name you can think of regardless of the game you are or aren't playing.
- Pillow fort: see his sidebar
- Ability icons: Yotsuba
- Official Dtoid photographer
- Tomopop contributer
- Asian RAGE!

Buck F1tches card notes:

- Fucking loves geese apparently (see portrait. Thanks Rio!)
- Big bad tipster for Dtoid. Respect yo.
- Master Rick Roller
- Master throat singer
- Master Tazar/Ron lover
- Fox blood?: A play on his blog banner. Not my best work, I know :(

Cowzilla card notes:

- Technically Cowzilla3
- Actual film critic
- Old school Dtoider
-Brave/crazy enough to show us his Wii Fit progress.
- Miseducation?
- Cowzillatoid and the first c-blog recapper

Dick McVengeance card notes:

- Editor!
- Until recently, was living in Japan
- Features editor, Nick Chesters secret wife (his sidebar)
- Second ability is referring to Nicks wife, not DMV's >< (I might not be able to get to a computer with Photoshop to fix the wording before I go)
- Gay for Bridget (Thanks someone in stickam! I think it was either Charlie or Rorsach, but I could be wrong)
-Fucking around on the c-blogs (I have no idea what happened. I just thought it was a weird/funny c-blog. Not a great reference, I know)

Gameboi card notes:

- Editor!
- Pretty much every reference is from his sidebar
- Likes pro wrestling skits
- Standup comic by DC is just a dumb play on words, it's about as bad as the Luke Skywalker/Jack Thompson joke.
- At least the Darth Gamer ability is alright, right? :D

Husky Hog card notes:

- Editor!
- New penus
- Hates Fatal1ty
- Yeah, the bottom ability icons are doing it.

Johnathan Holmes card notes:

- Editor!
- Rocketed to fame via appearing on Road Rules
- Hair is huuuuuuge in full portrait pic. Just look up the full one on IMDB
- RE:3 guide?: Read his sidebar.
- Loves Scud. God bless him.
- Hates the "hardcore gamer" moniker (did I use that right? :D)

Qais Fulton card notes:

- Editor triple threat!
- Tomopop features editor
- Destructoid editor
- Ectoplasmosis editor
- Q-less future?: Read the sidebar.

Last one coming up! *Drumroll*

Unstoppable Juggernaut card notes:

- Tomopop editor
- Dunno if he likes Queen or not, it's just the first thing that came into my head.
- Makes custom figures.
- Deadpool is fucking awesome. Amen.
- Helmet removal: You need more comic knowledge ;)


I'll keep this short as much of what I have to say will be in the big wrap-up post coming soon.

Total number of cards: 85

Goal: 100


Close but not quite. Rest assured that there are many people that I would still like to make cards for, but I simply don't have the time. I also would like to apologize for some of the slap dash writing and whatnot in this booster, unfortunately I was sort of rushing to get these out.

Watch for that wrap-up post kids!

Random quote... EXECUTE!

“The final mystery is oneself.”

~Oscar Wilde   read

2:18 PM on 06.04.2008

Destructoid Cards: Booster Pack 11

<p>DESTRUCTOID CARDS: CARD HARDER WITH A VENGEANCE HD REMIX ALPHA EDITION The end is nigh! The afterthoughts at the bottom will explain precisely what that means. HEAVEN OR HELL! Booster Pack 11: The Workmeng Cometh Kryptinite card notes: Sure he spells Kryptonite incorrectly, but who cares? He's one of Destructoids resident, shall we say achievement aficionados that took us for one helluva video game store/nostalgia trip, critiqued survival horror gamers and gave us another well written perspective on the "racism" controversy surrounding Resident Evil 5. I figure that should be enough to let him spell his name however the hell he wants :) Did I mention that he learned some very important things about being a bad-ass from the Star Wars series? Ron Workman card notes: The ying to Nieros yang (or is it the other way around?), Ron is a man of many names: NSFWorkman, Ronaldo Workmeng, Greybush etc. Regardless of what name you know him by, Ron is like the official drunk uncle (that touches you inappropriately) of Destructoid. He leaves naught but chicks making out( scroll to the bottom), crazy birthday videos, threats of being fucked by Margerie and an intense hatred of both Nameless Ted and Paris Hilton in his wake. Also lots and lots of empty liquor bottles. Ron also has a softer side though, one that he only shows via poetic letters to Olivia Munn in his c-blog. No, I'm not going to mention the whole Yaris 4 coming to the 360 thing. That would be beating a dead horse and would prove that I don't actually know the guy and am thus probably leaving out all sorts of great references and whatnot that a better Dtoider would know... Sorry; I blacked out there for a second. I've thrown out about a million (re: 4) links that you'll never click on, and since Ron has such a, uh, rich history I could go on forever, so I'll wrap this one up. Note that this is the single best, or worst (depending on whether you want to win or just get really trashed), card you can pull when playing the drinking game. Much like how the Niero card is an automatic win, the Ron card is an automatic lose, and whoever pulls it will be taking 10 drinks, thereby ensuring that whomever gets the card will get good and drunk good and fast. Booya! Pro-tip: for an extra fun game, make an all Workmeng deck; you'll have such a good time that you'll throw up all over each other and pass out naked in a public place. Fronz card notes: This was a bit of a tough one since Fronz doesn't have any c-blog posts and I wasn't able to find any pictures of him on the forum, so his card is based around the two regular features that he does every week: Game Debate to the Death and Monday Mind Teasers. This is one of those times that my newbishness becomes apparent as I really don't know much about Fronz. Hopefully this one turned out reasonably well anyways.  Dale North card notes: (The following is paraphrased from Dales sidebar) Editor extraordinaire at Tomopop and Destructoid, editor-in-chief at Japanator, freelance writer, musician, member of The OneUps (who appear to be playing at PAX this year :D) and Videogame music remixer. Dale North is clearly a pretty talented guy, but one wonders why he always seems to be flipping the camera off in every picture that he's in. In delving into this mystery I discovered some shocking things that I described in the second ability on Dales card. Mr. North is also a fan of Welsch Corgis (hence the Ein, of Cowboy Bebop fame, ability icons) and an un-fan of Mac & Cheese People. Mr. Sadistic card notes: The ever-present Mr. Sadistic has a bit of a thing for the newbies. You can be sure that Mr. Sadistic will be there to welcome the new kids with open arms and a tender "I love you", thereby helping to ease their entry into the world of Destructoid. Either that or it creeps them out and scares them off ;) When Sadistic isn't letting newbies know that they're welcome at Destructoid, he's busy writing somewhat homosexual love notes to Destructoid (see the last picture) or facepalming at Clinton Vs. Obama: SMACKDOWN! videos. Oh and Mr. Sadistic? I love you :) Afterthoughts Well I've got some bad news: it looks like I won't have as much time as I thought to work on the cards before I leave, so there'll probably only be one more booster pack, and I'm also not sure if I'll be able to tune up the older cards like I was planning. I feel kind of bad because there were so many people that requested cards as well as many people that I personally wanted to do that I'm just not going to be able to get to. Mayhaps I'll start doing these again once I get back home, but that won't be until September. If all goes well, the final card count for this summer will end up being 85, which, if my Fourier transform and orthogonal polynomial calculations are correct, is about 85% of what I was planning on doing, so that ain't too bad. As to who will be in the last pack; I think that I'll keep that a secret (partly because I haven't really decided and partly because I don't know how many of them I'll be able to do). Last thing: before I leave for the rest of the summer I'll be making a wrap up post with links to .rar files containing all of the photoshop files and jpegs that I've made/worked with. Random quote... EXECUTE! “I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.†~W.C. Fields</p>   read

1:19 PM on 06.02.2008

Destructoid Cards: Booster Pack 10


This is not the intro you are looking for...

Booster pack 10: One Card To Rule Them All

Nick Chester card notes: Nick is one of those guys. You know the kind I'm talking about. The kind of guy that just has to let you know when he gets sent free Stranglehold Berettas or high roller schwag just because he's "the editor-in-chief" at

Seriously: pschaw (pronounced pish-awe).

Regardless of how many awesome pieces of swag that Nick dangles in front of us (while no doubt chuckling at our lack of schwag) you've got to give it up for one of the lynch-pins that helps hold Destructoid together. Speaking of Lynch, it seems that Nick agrees with David Lynch about how viable watching a movie on a phone actually is.

All I have to say is A-fucking-men brother.

Now you might be wondering what the hell the portrait and ability icons are all about, and if you would settle down I would tell you.

You settled yet? Good.

The portrait is not Nick at all actually. It's his kid dressed up as Mr. Destructoid for halloween! Best costume EVAR. 11/10 (

For real though: that's awesome.

The ability icons are actually a logo that Topher Cantler himself designed for Nick's Rock Band band Unicorn Death Foetus.

I'll bet they play a mean Boston cover :D

Grim card notes: Probably best known for his weekly FNF post, Grim is another one of our beloved Destructoid editors, and a resident gore junkie apparently.

The weakness and retreat cost are both inspired by Grim's avatar: the chainsaw dude from Resident Evil 4 (if you're still confused about the bell, think about how that first major encounter in the village ends, and if you haven't played the game go do so... NOW!). The resistance is from a short story about being shafted that Grim posted a while back. The second ability is also a reference to an Electric Six song. I don't know if Grim likes 'em, hates 'em or doesn't care about 'em, but I couldn't resist putting that reference in :)

Hopefully the color scheme and blending type don't obscure the text too much. I was trying to get this one to look a little "grittier" what with the blood red and brown colors.

Dexter345 card notes: Scholar, gentleman, poet laureate, box of crayons. Only two of those words describe Dexter, can you guess which?

I'll wait...

Dexter immediately gets cool guy points from me for being a chemist (which is where his retreat cost comes from, and if he knows that formula off by heart then we should all be very scared) because as a biochemist I can say something like: hey man, why don't you go explain why the transitional elements have such strange oxidation numbers while I go and party in the glamorous worlds of plasmid construction and proteomics?


Dex also hates Mega Man, started the unfortunately named "ThurDSays", baked an awesome Dtoid cake and seems to be perpetually partying with other Dtoiders. For reals, if you look at his c-blog there's recaps of all these epic events all over the place.

That lucky sonuvabitch.

When choosing Dex's portrait I had quite a bit of selection, and I'm happy with the one that I went with, but I must point out two others that I ALMOST used, but didn't because I don't hate you all.



Justice card notes: He searches for those Dtoiders that fell by the wayside, he investigates video game music samples, he's Ron Workmans hero and he's a fan of Super Princess Peach.


Any questions?

P.S. That portrait is what happens when I do these late at night ;)

Niero card notes: This guy is kind of obscure, but he DOES work for the site in some minor capacity. The thing is, I've got a bit of a problem with him. He seems like a good enough guy and all, but he's always pimping his site. He's all "Destructoid is getting this new feature" or "Destructoid is having this contest" and "Destructoid is a fucking amazing website with an unbelievable community". I'm so fucking sick of it. Seriously, go advertise somewhere else man.

Now that I have that out of my system... How could you possibly NOT know who this guy is? The founder of the website that you're browsing right now and noted screamin' bean lover, Niero is the one person that you can thank for EVERYTHING that we have here at the 'toid, which last time I checked is the largest independent gaming blog on the planet.


As for the card: the lower ability icon and portrait are some stellar pieces of art from the out of this world Ceark, the upper ability icons are official Dtoid art and the weakness comes from this tomfoolery. Also note the crown on the name and the special "uber card" symbol next to the HP, which still isn't as high as it should be. I tried to get a Dtoid-ish color scheme going on, with a green outside and a red "eye" in the middle.

I could blather on, but there really isn't any point. Just love the robot-in-chief and make him proud by helping to keep Destructoid awesome.

Personal note: Thanks for everything Niero! LESS THAN THREE :D


After looking at how much time I've got left etc. I'm going to aim to have 100 cards done before I take off, but it'll be a fight to the finish. Right now I'm at 71, so I've got a little less than 1/3 left to go! I'd also like to thank everyone for all the awesome comments and everything as I've been doing these. I'm glad to see that so many of you seem to be enjoying the cards :D

Oh, one other thing: I'm probably going to go back and touch up some of the older cards to "bring them up to code" as it were. It's just that whenever I scroll past them I think to myself: "damn, I could so easily make those look better".

So I think I will, I just don't know when.

Coming Soon

Booster pack 11 featuring...

Mr. Sadistic
Dale North
Ron Workmeng

Random quote... EXECUTE!




~Zack de la Rocha (Rage Against The Machine - Guerilla Radio)   read

4:20 PM on 06.01.2008

Destructoid Cards: Booster Pack 9


Since I've been busier lately, and my card making progress has been slowed significantly, I've made a decision about which cards I'm going to do before I take off on June 12th. To see what I'm talking about, hit the afterthoughts.

*Transitional phrase*

Booster pack 9: In which a number of Dtoiders get cards

Aborto The Fetus card notes: Another one of the more, shall we say "colorful" members of Destructoid, Aborto helps to keep us all learning by sharing ten things he's learned every week. See? Destructoid isn't a waste of time. It's educational!

Abortos weakness and second ability comes from this blog entry and a quote from Knives that Aborto features in his sidebar. A quote which must have torn the man down to the inner core of his being, forcing him to realize the harsh truths of the world around him.

Or something like that.

Big Popa Gamer card notes: If you are a man (and that's very likely to be the case) you should know something: your penis loves Big Popa Gamer. It's true, he's the premier purveyor of wet t-shirt, bikini and sideboob pictures on Destructoid, instantly cementing him as an important and influential force to be reckoned with.

BPG is also known for a semi-regular feature called Casting Call where he envisions which real world actors and actresses could potentially act in a dream game to film adaptation. Definitely go back and check some of those out as some of the casts that he chooses are scarily accurate, and will make you pine for the day that he becomes a powerful casting director in Hollywood.

Just remember: if you're ever feeling like the human race isn't worth saving, or that there's just no reason to go on anymore; check out BPG's sidebar, and your faith in humanity will be restored.

Oh, and guys? Regarding that portrait: I know what you're all doing right now...

Butmac card notes: Every once in a while a film of such shattering beauty and unbelievable power comes along and challenges us not only as individuals, but as human beings.

This is one such piece.

For serious though: if you haven't seen Butmac's videos, you need to rectify that mistake ASAP and click the above link RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. Even if you've seen them before, you should watch the Destructoid birthday video again because it's fucking awesome.

Camtub is also a fan of Flight Of The Conchords, rating Rock Band DLC and most importantly: Mango Sentinels (they're so Pringles).

This card also marks the first time I made a card with my drinking game rules in mind. As of this writing, the Butmac cards is the single most dangerous card to have in your possession. If you pull it and lose, you take 7 drinks (the number of shots taken for Niero on his birthday), which is the most of any card yet. The card also has pretty low health, so your chances of winning are extremely slim.

DVDdesign card notes: One of the stranger names on Destructoid belongs to this man: DVDdesign. A man with the sheer GALL to send everyone out on a crazy "scavenger hunt" every month, no doubt laughing maniacally at his ability to order the community at large around like so many puppets.

This is one of those times where I'm not sure that it's possible to make a smooth transition, but here's a part of a series of reports on Japan by Mr. Design, this one focusing on a "unique" festival.

The "Fuck You DVDdesign!" ability comes from a cruel, cruel task that he set out for those entering his insane contest: the entrants must purchase, but not play, GTA IV.


DVD is also very much anti fanboy, which pisses me off because Chad Warden isn't a fanboy, he just thinks that the Pee Ess Triple is SLICK *makes swooshy/swishy noises while pretending to stroke a PS3 like a total douche*


Last, but certainly not least, you should check out this interview that DVD did with someone you might know pretty well: your mom.

Vexed Alex card notes: Rounding out pack 9 is our beloved Halo 3 FNF host, whom has finally gotten his 360 back after being away for some time. Hooray!

However, not all is well in Vexed Alex land. In fact, if you look closely at his sidebar you can piece together clues that he isn't Mexican (as so many would tell you), but is in fact FROM CALIFORNIA!


Most of the references on Alex's card come from Halo 3 shenanigans, such as the ridiculous bickering/make out sessions of Distrato (Heretic on Dtoid) and Salman (007 on Dtoid) whom have the most dysfunctional relationship I think I've ever seen. Before we go on, I would like to put out this warning: if you are playing Halo 3, do no let anyone, especially Pizzaface, change the map to "Fundry".


AT ALL. :(((((((((((((((((

Finally we have the baby peen reference. A little while back Alex posted some pictures of himself as a child (see his portrait) and originally there was one of him in his birthday suit, which has (mercifully) been removed.

Hoo boy.


Long story short: I'm going to focus on doing the people on the leaderboard, specifically concentrating on editors for a while.


It's pretty simple: I don't have much time left and I'm not making cards as fast as I thought I would, so something has to give. Basically I want to make sure that I get the staff/editors done, because it just wouldn't be a real Destructoid card set without them, and while the leaderboard is far from perfect, it's the easiest way for me to see who's been the most active. I'll still let my personal judgment come into my choices, but just a heads up: my selection will be a bit more focused. Eventually I'll go back to doing pretty much everyone, but that likely won't happen until September.

Coming Soon

Booster pack 10 featuring...

Nick Chester

Random quote... EXECUTE!

“I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.”

~Stephen Wright   read

12:32 PM on 05.30.2008

Destructoid Cards: Drinking Game Rules And Booster Pack 8


If you're looking for the following:

- Information on how to play a drinking game with totally unmodified versions of the cards that I've put out.

-.rar files including the .psd and .jpeg versions of every card I've done thus far.

then head to the afterthoughts at the end of this blog entry.

Now on with the show!

Booster Pack 8: Are We There Yet?

Power Glove card notes: I have a confession to make: I hate doing research for particularly productive Dtoiders, there's always so goddamn much stuff to look through, it just makes my life that much more difficult ;) Speaking of which...

Power Glove is your one stop shop for all things Rock Band. For reals, the guy owns EVERY piece of Rock Band DLC, and is pretty much always the first one to post up anything related to music games like Guitar Hero and Rock Band. If you have any doubts about the mans unwavering dedication, just check out his Rock Band EU Survival guide.

Mr. Glove also drops some seriously epic credit blog entries, such as this one that he created for the community on his birthday. Thanks PG! :D

Other services that PG provide are hosting FNF and helping to co-ordinate the New York NARP group.

And if you're wondering what the Glove man thinks of the community, look no further.

Necros card notes: Another Dtoider that has so much shit going on that doing this writeup might end up being more work than the card. Boooooo!

Anywhichways, Necros is another cast member on the good ship Failcast and is famous on Destructoid for his, uh, "alternative" views on race relations. To be honest I'm not sure what to think. On one hand, you've got the word of people like Ron Workman and a dislike of British Mario, and on the other hand you've got the campaign the restore Bob Muirs good name...

Probably the single hardest part about doing this card was trying to decide which picture of Necros to use as his portrait. For reals; look here for an example of the kind of selection I had. There are MULTIPLE blog entries like that one and it made my life a living hell once I stopped giggling like a school girl.

Not that there's anything wrong with giggling like a school girl because I got laid right after, which makes me a man.


In addition to everything above, Necros also keeps track of the games that everyone has completed and compiles a massive list every month on his c-blog from information gleaned from the forum. Lastly, you should probably know about the Sunday release of Necros's (Necros'? Necros?) blog series Rantoid, which is where the Yaris reference comes from (if you ever wanted an in-depth look at Yaris and how it nearly killed a man, definitely check out that link.)

God fucking damnit, I'm like halfway through. Look, just go to blog de la Necros when you're bored and browse; you'll probably find something you like.

Oh yeah, one more thing: IRC FAP FICTION!

Samit Sarkar card notes: Once just another mild mannered Dtoider known as Br0nXb0mBr21, this young chemical engineer in training apparently impressed the robot overlord with his love of sports, love of videogames and edumacated writing style such that he was made into an editor. Specifically, Samit takes care of the sports news, which, on a site like this, is probably right up there with walking around Harlem wearing a white sheet over your head in terms of audience appreciation, but the man does it anyways. What a trooper.

Samit is also fighting what is quite possibly the most one sided battle of all time: the battle to get people to use proper grammar and spelling on the internet. Every once in a while he'll post a well intentioned comment guiding an offender towards the way of the coherent written thought, an uphill battle to be sure, but one that Mr. Sarkar participates in day in, day out.

Bahamut Zero card notes: There are those that would post what are essentially shenanigans, and then there's Bahamut Zero. If you ever feel the need to read what happens when you drink and blog, you could certainly do worse than swinging by Bahippie Zeros c-blog. He can also provide you with internet service providings, confessions about how a point break sequel makes his life complete and can regale you with his harrowing tale about Xbox Live customer service.

If you haven't read anything of Bahamut Zero's yet then you're missing out on one of the stranger Dtoiders out there. His c-blog is filled to the brim with bizarre pictures and sometimes lucid ramblings about pretty much anything you can think of, and a couple of things that you can't.

If I was making a guide book to Dtoid, I would definitely recommend stopping by BZ's c-blog, because even if you don't dig his style you won't see anything else like it on Destructoid.

Galagabug card notes: I admit it, Galagabugs homemade arcade stick totally kicks my homemade arcade sticks ASS. When he's not totally showing me up, Galagabug is flipping the bird to capital letters. I seriously couldn't find a single one in any of his blog entries. It's both bizarre and slightly unnerving, kind of like those children of the corn...

Galagabug also drops some forgotten classics on us from time to time to make sure that we aren't slacking off on our gaming duties.

And yes, not playing a particular game is good enough reason to get you objectively labeled as a terrible person; just like Mussolini and Charles Manson. They didn't play Kaboom! either...


First things first: drinking game rules for 2-1000 players.

1) Get some cards printed, pretty much any number will do.

2) Shuffle into a single pile.

3) Everyone draws a card.

4) The person that draws the card with the lowest HP has to take the number of drinks indicated by the ability with the most ability icons.

For example:

Player 1 pulls McSnow

Player 2 pulls Passionate Styos

Because McSnow has more HP than Styos, Player 2 has to take 3 drinks. He takes 3 because the ability with the greatest number of icons next to it is his "Musical Attack" ability and it has 3 icons next to it. All cards have an ability with at least 2 icons on it, so you'll never take a measly one drink, it'll be at least two and can be as many as 6 if you draw the Sterling card and lose (Sterling can only lose to Topher as of this writing).

5) In the event of a tie (2, 3, 4 way etc. doesn't matter) all tied players drink the same as they would if they had lost.

6) If you want to have a "winnable" game to add some excitement, make up disqualification rules. Whoever goes to the bathroom first loses, whoever pukes first loses, anyone that touches their face with their hands loses. Be creative!

That's it! Simple. If you can think of other rules etc. just throw them out on this forum thread, or in the comments. Go nuts.

Now for the files:


Have fun with those :)

Coming Soon

Booster pack 9 featuring...

Big Popa Gamer
Vexed Alex

Secret booster pack 4 featuring...


Random quote... EXECUTE!

“Tobacco and alcohol, delicious fathers of abiding friendships and fertile reveries.”

~Luis Bunuel   read

12:42 PM on 05.29.2008

Destructoid Card Game Rules

Sorry about not getting around to doing this yesterday, but there was an emergency. You see I had to go hang out with some friends and then get drunk and see Rush, which was bad-ass, but not exactly conducive to making cards or rules about how to play with them.

Anyways, I've got some good news and some bad news.

The Good

- I started out not knowing anything about how CCGs work, and with the help of Rockvillan, Brecksher, Dynamic Sheep and Google, I was able to get a much clearer picture of what needed to be done to make this a real game, and it doesn't seem all that insurmountable.

- Long story short: I'm looking at using a slightly modified version of the rules that Brecksher cooked up. My reasoning for going with these rules? They are simple enough that anyone could jump in and learn to play in a few minutes, require the least amount of modification to the current cards, allow for two people to play using only one deck and they fit the whole Destructoid theme quite well. Comment cards would be used as interrupts/instants (basically one-shot abilities that you can use anytime provided you have enough "hours" to play them) and blog cards would have global effects that you can only use on your turn.

- Right now it's possible to make a "pilot" version of the game by modifying only a few select cards to get the kinks worked out and create a small, but playable, game. More cards could be modified once this step is done and could be continue to be added until doomsday.

The Bad

- I have no idea how to balance the cards. I could add in numbers and modify abilities like so (note: only one ability modified):

(The "2" next to the ability is the number of hours it would cost, and on other cards that number might be different from the number of ability icons, just to keep modification time down. I'm also looking for a good way to highlight the ability effects in the description so that you can quickly and easily see it without reading the whole thing)

At the end of the day, I'm just putting in random numbers. I don't know if there's any other way to make an educated guess other than by testing the cards, which would take a bit of a time investment. Time that I just don't have.

- Not really "bad" per-say, but I was thinking that I'd give each card just one ability for play and keep the other one just for laughs for now to keep things simpler/more manageable. More abilities could be put in later.

- Blog cards and comment cards would be needed. These can be fairly generic to make them easier to write if need be, but they would still need making.

- Again, a numbers thing: how many character cards, blog cards and comment cards per deck would be more or less a random decision. I guess we could just go with the official Magic rules or whatever, but because it's a totally different game it's essentially an arbitrary decision. Also, the number of cards, not to mention which cards, for use in creating a pilot version of the game would be up for debate.

- I'm leaving on June 12th, but might not have access to a computer after June 8th, and my internet access until August 21st is going to be sketchy at best. Maybe I'll have great access 24/7, maybe I won't have any. That's Zambia baby!


I'm just going to keep making cards the way I have been until I leave, since I probably won't be able to see this project through until after PAX. As for the rest of the summer: it would be great if a few people wouldn't mind trying to come up with that pilot version. I'll provide all of the .psd files that I've got (I'll also be posting a .rar file with .jpeg versions for everyone before I leave) thus far as well as .psd files for generic comment and blog cards. All that would need to be done is making up numbers and testing the cards to see if the game works. It could be as few as 6 cards or as many as 20 that get tested, but the idea would be to lay the groundwork, which shouldn't be too labor intensive at all. It's just something that would need some people who don't mind tweaking the text of a few cards and then testing them a bunch of times until the cards are reasonably balanced.

Remember: this ain't a retail card game or anything. Anyone that works on this doesn't need to make it a huge time sucking monster, just a little bit of work every once in a while would be great.

Oh, and because I seem to get at least one or two people asking about this in the comments each time: I'm going to Zambia to teach an anatomy and physiology course and a technology course to Nurses at the University of Zambia as well as doing some public healthcare education stuff (public talks about malaria prevention and whatnot).

Thanks in advance everyone!

Random quote... EXECUTE!

“The rule which forbids ending a sentence with a preposition is the kind of nonsense up with which I will not put.”

~Winston Churchill   read

3:44 PM on 05.27.2008

Destructoid Cards: Booster Pack 7


Booster pack 7: Evil Passionate Electric Snow: Perfect

Gynecologist Cobra card notes: Oh for fucks sake. I'm going to make this easier on myself by making a story out of it.

Once upon a time there was a boy named Electro Lemon. This boy made everyone laugh with his wacky antics and not inconsiderable shooping skills and even ascended the leaderboards to reach a top 5 ranking. One day Electro Lemon went away, and everyone was sad. "Where did Lemon go?" the people cried, wondering where their favorite black ball of funny had gone. Soon enough, the memories of Electro Lemon faded and the people went about their now drab and unfulfilling lives.

Until one fateful day when a new black sixteen year old electric, citric Gynecologist with the power to electrocute bitter babies from the vagina came on the scene; offering pap smears for a nominal fee (paraphrased from the good gynecologists c-blog sidebar). The people didn't know what to think, especially when this strange new gynecologist cobra said...


This really confused the people; how could one person become two!? Regardless, the cobra brought much merriment with him and thus the story ended happily ever after.

The end.

P.S. The reparations reference is from a little while back when Eternal Death Slayer held a contest giving away XBL points to whoever could convince him that he/she needed them the most and Electro Gynecologist made a blog demanding that they be paid to him as reparations. Retreat cost is from all the people still unsure of who Lemon/Cobra is even after repeated posts from the man himself directly saying that they are, in fact, the same person.


I just had to put that in there somehow :D

Passionate Styos card notes: Seriously, ANOTHER Dtoider from Chile that studies and works in Norway? It seems like that's everyones story these days...

Oh wait, I got that backwards. It's nobodies story but this guys: Passionate Styos.

Now I know that he's a good person, you know how I know that? He listens to Retroforce! And that's all you need to be good in my books baby.

The Styos also loves tigers (as much as Chad likes sharks he claims on his c-blog sidebar), and posted a really excellent analysis regarding Dyslexia and how it affects gamers that should be required c-blog reading.

As implied by his second skill, Passionate Styos loves him some Castlevania, despite being from a decidedly un-Castlevania like place. He loves the series so much in fact that he wants to change it. He's also a little tired of games that are trying to be Symphony Of The Night (SoTN), hence the resistance.

The music reference is from a series of blogs called Musical Attack Mondays, wherein Styos posts a bunch of cool covers and remixes of some great game music.

P.S. Is also part of that most dubious of cartels: the IRCartel.

A Humble Mr. Perfect card notes: From his sidebar (where the moose reference is from) it would appear that Mr. Perfect has been with us for some time, lurking ominously in the background. Fortunately he decided to start blogging a while back and has since then put up a pretty good critique about mayonnaise flavored yogurt, an article about how GTA stacks up against Super Mario World and a quick look at Mr. Perfect: the RA.

Evil Chad card notes: At first we all thought that this was a one note joke that would play itself out in a day or two, much in the same way that Happy Anthony did, but what we got instead was another valuable Dtoider to add to the mighty Destructoid army!

Evil Chad is exactly what his name would imply: an evil version of Destructoids own Chad Concelmo, which means that he is only super sun shiny, spewing happiness and positivity from every orifice, about half the time and the other half he's more or less a normal dude. Being evil he also leads the militaristic minded dolphins in the mighty Dolphino army (Laser dolphins!), which will one day no doubt take over the seas in a violent coup detat from, uh, whoever owns the seas.

A short while ago Evil Chad underwent what sounded like quite serious surgery and came out on the other side just fine, which led to much rejoicing by the community. Even though no one actually knows Evil Chad, it was still a relief to hear that he made it through surgery OK.

I'm happy to see that you're still with us man ;)

McSnow card notes: Since we're going to be sharing the same flight in from the UK to Seattle for PAX, McSnow and I have a super strong, nigh unbreakable bond, so long as neither one of us switches flights.

McSnow has experienced the kind of excruciating pain that I can certainly understand, and I'm sure that many of you can as well. You see, McSnow has worked in retail, and not just retail, but electronics retail.


The Surrey mothers reference comes from this all too familiar sounding blog post and the Grand Theft Wii reference is from this particularly awesome c-blog entry.

Also, you'll notice that his portrait is from a really special moment in McSnow's life: the moment he got to go "hands on" with Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. Hands on indeed...


Tomorrow I'll put up a blog talking about what conclusions I've come to about the rules that I'll be trying to shoehorn onto the cards. There'll be voting and everything!

Coming Soon

A very special New York booster pack 8 featuring...

Bahamut Zero

Secret booster pack 4 featuring...

C-blog sultans and forum friends!

Random quote... EXECUTE!

“Friends are God's apology for relations.”

~Hugh Kingsmill   read

2:09 PM on 05.25.2008

Destructoid Cards: Secret Booster Pack 3


This pack has 8 cards in it, and there's a good reason for that. With all of the cards in this pack I'll have officially posted cards for 50 people! It may or may not be a halfway point, but damn, that's quite a few cards.


Secret booster pack 3: No particular theme other than AWESOME.

-D- card notes: According to his banner -D- is a pirate/adventurer, which immediately tells you that he is a flip-flopper and is thus probably totally unreliable. I bring this up because I don't want -D-'s bride(husband?) to be shocked when -D- goes and fools around on him with Christian Bale. A sad story indeed...

-D- is also another member of the c-blog mafia (CBM), has been hit on by Butmac and shared with us the story of the "Mur-gasm".

Not content to just read blogs, -D- has also conducted some interviews, including some with Tazar, and Butmac (pre-Butmac hitting on him) that will rock you to the very core of your beliefs. Think that you know which way is up? What it means to exist in the current socio-political climate while adhering to the social norms that may or may not make us human? These interviews will fundamentally change you in ways you never imagined, or your money back!

Snaileb card notes: The founder of FNF (as I understand it, correct me if I'm wrong) and one of the top 3 Dtoiders in terms of comments on the c-blogs and front page, Snaileb is one of those ubiquitous personalities that you'll hear referred to around the site on a semi-regular basis. I could go ahead and start listing his massive catalog of cool and or important blogs, but you won't read them. So I'm just going to put this one out there for you all to take in.


(Portrait art done by:Hoygeit, ability icons by:Itemforty)

Rio card notes: Another one of the fine young women on Destructoid, Rio is widely renowned for both her hat and craft making prowess (I bought and reviewed one of her hats) and position as an associate editor over a Tomopop.

Along with those contributions to Destructoid, Rio also has her own personal site: Rio's Renditions. Where she has some artwork and photos posted, photos that learned me something new! It would appear that Rio is a bit of a wrestling fan.

See kids? You learn something new everyday.

By e-stalking people.


If you're looking to buy one of Rio's hats, check out her Etsy store. Now that's what I call a smooth transition!

I couldn't possibly end this set of notes without mentioning Rio's future: she and Chad are getting married, probably at PAX. I hereby submit the moment that I knew that their bond was eternal.


Mxyzptlk card notes: Like Snaileb, another Dtoid legend. I'm pretty sure that this man was the first to break 9000 comments, now there's some dedication for ya!

Mxy is a pretty nice guy, so nice in fact that he's been trying (along with others) to help some of those newbies that get lured here by contests. It just makes your cockles warm don't it? :D

Really, I'm not sure what else to tell you about Mxy, his comments are pretty much always constructive, he actively combats the "Dtoiders are jerks" attitude that some others seem to like to propogate, he writes good blog entries and he has one of, if not THE, longest friends list on Destructoid. If you don't know this guy already, then either this is the first blog you've read on the site or you've never read the comments before.

A couple of the references on Mxy's card come from his namesake, a DC comics character. If you don't understand those references, then you've failed yourself as a nerd and you should run on over to wikipedia.

I'm not going to link it, you won't learn anything like that :)

P.S. I almost forgot: Mxy put out a great blog series about licensed games that don't suck that you should probably go read. Or don't, whatever. Jerk.

King3vbo card notes: If you look at the top 3 commentors on Destructoid you'll see the somewhat serious (for Destructoid anyway) and evenhanded Snaileb, the wise father figure that is Mxy and the drunken uncle figure that is King3vbo.

King both edits and helps to host Destructoids unofficial community podcast: The Failcast, wherein wacky hi-jinks are too tame and thus the cast resorts to shocking depravity, thereby very accurately representing the Destructoid community :D

The weakness on Kings card comes from a series of blogs a little while back, wherein King did some Babelfish translations that are worth a quick laugh or two.

But no more than two. Thems the rules kids.

The "King Of Sneak" ability is based on a terrifying game that Burger King put out.

Seriously, it's fucking terrifying

Now imagine what you just saw in that video, but put King3vbo in the place of the BK king, replace all the people that he sneaks up on with young boys, and replace the act of giving them food with King whispering "hey, whatcha doing there little man?" into the kids ears. That's his second ability. (Sorry King ;) )

God I feel dirty...

Ability icons are from this blog right here, and the portrait was done by Lark Ohiya.

Hamza card notes: I don't know why this guy has an epic star, I'm pretty sure nobody knows who he is. I mean, he's probably barely even connected with Destructoid.

Wait, who are we talking about again?

IT'S FUCKING HAMZA 'I'M A MOTHERFUCKING SHARK, SUCK MY DICK" CTZ AZIZ! Do I really need to say more about our beloved (by the majority of us) community manager?

He lets us know when a birthday is afoot, eats those that would disregard the rules of the c-blogs, puts up the weekly Destructainment and YTMND Thursday posts (with help from the community in finding all the goodness within) along with various news tidbits and has the monstrous task of keeping the community from self destructing.


CTZ is also known for being an irrepressible womanizer and a nerdcore aficionado. The man loves the ladies, and isn't afraid to let them know it, hence the second ability, which is designed to get you to mimic a few moments in CTZ's shoes ;)

Some other stuff you should know is that the ability icons are done by Itemforty and are based on the Tako king, whom is a creation of one of CTZ's great loves: the unbelievable Paul Robertson. The bad-ass portrait was done by Hoygeit.

Blindside Dork card notes: Existing in the background of Destructoid, giving news tips and recording podcasts, Mr. Dork contributes quite a bit of that juicy, juicy content that we all love so much. In case you can't tell from this description, Mr. Dork is one of the more productive Dtoiders out there, and if you want to see some of his work, look no further than his massive c-blog, which is filled to bursting with epic recaps, breaking news stories and in depth analysis on why the PS3 is emo.

So next time you're enjoying some of that scrumptious content, check out who's behind it, and you may very well see the Dork.

Ceark card notes: If you haven't seen this guys art, then you're doing yourself a grave disservice. Go to his sidebar or his personal page now to educate yourself.

Now that you've seen some of his gorgeous work you should know that, according to his blog, he's colorblind.

Holy shit!

As you've seen, Ceark makes some gorgeous stuff, and is responsible for an absolutely stunning short comic about the birth of Destructoid (located in the comics section of his personal page).

Aside from the amazing art, which he has made for several community members including fellow secret booster pack inductees Rio and CTZ (not to imply that my cards are even able to co-exist in the same plane of coolness as Cearks work), Ceark also started what is possibly my most beloved regular feature: the c-blog recaps. A really valuable, yet thankless, task that is a huge asset to people like me that don't have the time to sift through all the blogs from days when I was away, or even days where I get online late. Recently he's gotten some help, but the man used to do the recap by himself for quite some time(!), pouring a ton of effort into them no doubt.

The retreat cost on Cearks card comes from the flood of blog entries that come along with the various contests held on the 'toid that make his life a living hell for a day or two of recapping.


50 cards down baby! For anyone wondering where theirs is: don't worry; many more are on the way. The list is slowly getting shorter...

And just because I can; here's the list of the 50 people that I've "done" so far.

Aaron Linde
Chad Concelmo
Colette Benett
Conrad Zimmerman
DJ Duffy
Dyson Grigsby
Guitar Atomik
Harassment Panda
Jim Sterling
Kyle Gamgee
Matthew Blake
Petie Pal
Pheonix Blood
Prof. Pew
Psycho Soldier
Reverend Anthony Burch
Scary Womanizing Pig Mask
Topher Cantler

Random quote... EXECUTE!

“Men are like a deck of cards. You'll find the occasional king, but most are jacks.”

~Laura Swenson   read

12:44 PM on 05.24.2008

Destructoid Cards: Booster Pack 6 (Tales Of Etrian Odyssey)


I'm back with a brand new set of cards and an ass that just won't quit: my own. Now because it's DJ Duffy's birthday, I figured it would be a good time to do a remix of her card. So at the end of this pack there are two options for you to choose from Ms. Duffy, let me know if either of those floats your boat :)


Booster pack 6: Nihon Is Fucking Terrifying

Nihon Tiger90 card notes: Sorry if you crapped your pants, but I couldn't resist using that portrait (Neon Tiger, from Megaman X3) :D.

Nihon is definitely one of the most prolific Dtoiders; his blog is a constant stream of well-written news updates, interesting contests and original articles on every facet of games and the gaming industry (including the regular What'd You Get? series), not to mention his duties as an associate editor at Tomopop.

A noted lover of Cammy Nihon also has a ridiculous amount of retro game knowledge crammed into his skull, as is evidenced by his many, many Great Retroquiz badges. Oh, did I mention that Nihon is also Chad Concelmos official BFF?

Because he is.

Last thing: want to see how Nihon feels about Destructoid? Check this out, especially the video at the end.


Whoa, sorry. Blacked out there for a second...

Anyway, like I was saying; Yojimbo is one of Destructoids elder statesmen, a daddy that still regularly posts awesome articles (and controversial ones too), acts as a reserve c-blog recapper and leads the way for both regular PS3 poker nights and PS3 style FNFs.

Did I mention that Yojimbo isn't too impressed with the 360? Well he isn't, and with good reason. The poor guy has had five red rings now, so despite the retarded accusations of FANBOI!!! FANBOI!! FANBOI!!!! I'm sure you can at least see why he might not exactly be in love with the 360.

Yojimbo is also noted for his bad-ass movie recommendations and has a thing for both samurai and the criterion collection of DVDs. Check out his sidebar, you won't be disappointed.

Unless of course you're a seriously lame-ass person with terrible taste (no offense :) ).

Finally, and most importantly, 'Jimbo has started the single most significant group/movement/lifestyle/religion on all of Destructoid: The Destructoid Beard Club! The members of which tower in manliness over the clean-shaven.

SantanaClaus89 card notes: An ex-military man that also figured out who won the console war already, Santana is also a proud Dtoid beard club member and has a picture on his sidebar of quite the mighty beard (I just had to use it as a portrait).

Professor Pew card notes: A cool dude with a funny accent, Prof. Pew is also one of the very valuable FNF hosts, specializing in the needs of the Euro crowd.

But wait, how is it that I know that he's a cool dude? And more importantly: how do I know he has a funny accent?

Well my friend, you should take a listen to this episode of the podcastle featuring Professor Pew!

Want to get your daily, make that yearly, dose of cartoon nostalgia? Look no further. The professor's got you covered.

And yes, that's Megaman wearing a mortarboard in the portrait :D

Mecha Monkey card notes: Yet another member of the IRCartel, Mecha Monkey is a monkey in a mech.

A monkey.

In a mech.


He's also the one that made this very touching eulogytoid for the dearly(?) departed Wiisucks. The 21 firetruck salute was a nice touch :)

Also be sure to check out Mecha Monkeys e-mail to Jack Thompson and Jackos response.

On the card itself, those ability icons are metal dicks.

I mean bananas. Whatever.


I did a card for the good DJ in booster 4, but looking back on it I was displeased. See for yourself:

The writing is fine (the CBM summon is actually a personal favorite of mine), but the colors and portrait just don't jive properly, and I really should have a proper, full-sized portrait, but that picture doesn't fit well or look so good when blown up due to pixelation. So because it's Duffy's birthday I figured it was high-time for a redesign, and I came up with two different cards based on two different portraits.


Or, sticking with the rainbow color scheme...

So there you have it! So now I need a decision from you Dorian: which card, if any (I can always redesign with a portrait of your choosing quite quickly and easily), would you like to be your "official" card when I start tweaking them for use in the Destructoid CCG?


The only thing to really talk about here is what's happening with the rules for actually playing with the cards. After my post asking for help with the rules I got some excellent feedback (especially from Rockvillain, DynamicSheep and Breksher whom all came up with pretty much complete rule sets) and I'm going to be prototyping cards to see which rule set fits best. I'll also be mixing and tweaking rule sets a bit to hopefully come up with a playable hybrid of sorts that will require minimal card printing and give a game that's both easy to play and can be linked to the consumption of dangerous amounts of liquor. Once I've got some prototype cards and rule set proposal, I'll put them out there for you, the community, to take a look at and judge/vote on.

Finally: I've been getting a TON of group requests from people, most of which contain between 8 and 15 people. I'm taking SOME of these under advisement, but I've also got some stuff done already that kind of throws those groupings out of wack. I'll be trying to do some of these requests, but don't hold your breath kids.

Time for...

Coming Soon

Booster pack 7 featuring...

Evil Chad
Electro Gynecologist
Passionate Styos

Secret booster 3 featuring...

You'll just have to wait and see :D

Random quote... EXECUTE!

“I have been devoured all my life by an incurable and burning impatience: and to this day find all oratory, biography, operas, films, plays, books, and persons too long”

~Margaret Asquith   read

12:12 PM on 05.22.2008

So You Want To Play The Destructoid Card Game?

Ever since I started doing the Destructoid cards en mass, people have been asking how you actually USE them, and this is the part where I have to break some bad news to you.

You can't use them to play any game that I know of.


Here's the deal: I started this project because I have a month where I've got more free time than I've ever had before (no job, no school and nearly all of my friends have moved to other cities) so I figured that I'd make myself a card to add to the pile on the forum. Blehman then asked me to make one, followed by FooLiz, and so I went ahead and did them. Then I figured "aw, what the hell. I may as well see if anyone else wants one." So I put up a c-blog entry and a forum post saying that I would make cards on request, thinking I would get maybe a dozen responses max.

Apparently I was wrong.

The point of this story is that all of this started without any kind of master plan. There was no idea to begin with other than to make funny cards for the community (and I actually thought that even once I started I'd burn out after a day or two, hence why I kept telling people that I wasn't promising anything in the first couple of booster pack entries), but now that it seems like I'm going to see this thing through I would most certainly LOVE to see these cards used for an honest to God actual game.

Unfortunately, there are two major problems...

1) I'm working in a limited time frame. I MIGHT be able to make it through almost all of the cards before I leave for Zambia for the rest of the summer (where I'll be much busier), but the amount of time needed to actually come up with a rule set and balance all 70-100 or so cards (currently 37 are posted, 41 are completed) to the point of playability would likely just be too much for me.

2) I've never played a CCG in my entire life. There, I said it. I do know how to create plasmids and express and analyze proteins, but those skills don't exactly help here. If I came up with a rule set it would likely be broken and I wouldn't know it because I'm totally unfamiliar with how to make a fun CCG, or even a mildly amusing CCG.

I'll sum those problems up for ya'll in a slightly shorter form.

1) I am but a man and likely won't have the time to make a rule set.

2) I'm an idiot.

What this means is that I'm asking for help from the community. I need someone that knows card games that can come up with a rule set, I need beta testers to try the game out over and over again, until it's at least playable and most importantly: I need copious amounts of drugs, wine and women.


Now, how is this going to work?

Making The Rules

Now because I'm sure that everyone and their dog has ideas for how to make a playable game, I'm going to ask that instead of flooding the comments with ideas, you just work out amongst yourselves who wants to take on the rules, and if there's multiple people, then you guys need to figure out if all of you want to work together or what. At the end of the day we're looking for ONE rule set people, don't forget that. Only get into this if you are serious about finishing the job; the community deserves a quality game.

I have all of the .psd files, so going back and changing anything, and I do mean ANYTHING, on the old cards will be really quick. I could probably edit them all in a day depending on the changes. So the first thing that's needed is a basic outline of play so that I know what to add/change on the card template (resistance symbols, card classes etc.). Once that's been decided, then it'll be the hard part: crunching the numbers for each card and deciding on the ability effects since many of them, like Tophers "everyone dies instantly" abilities, just aren't practical.

But they're funny right? :D

Remember to think fun, not complicated. This game will most likely be a NARP only thing, so it's not like people are going to be practicing a whole bunch. The way I see it we want anyone to be able to come to the party, pick up some cards and play.

Once a rule set has been come up with and the cards have been edited, we can start testing.

Beta Testing

STOP! Don't do it! Don't flood the comments asking to be a beta tester, it just won't be helpful. If all of the above mentioned work gets done, I'll/we'll come around looking for help. Until there's a game there certainly won't be any testing, so chill.

Project Leadership/Purpose

This was never my project. I may have started making lots of cards, but this stuff was around before I was, all I did was take the idea and run with it. There are many people in this community that are both more talented and funnier than I am and I would love to have them working WITH me. That's the key here: anyone that wants to really make a go of this with my help needs to come into it with the mentality that it's a community project for the community and thus it's open to additions by anyone.


The only thing I want to do here is make a good base set of cards that can be used with a cohesive rule set. What everyone does with the cards etc. from there is up to them.

Finished product

Some people brought up printing the cards off, laminating them and selling them at a profit.


Let me say it again.



For one reason: some of these cards use commercial art and I would be liable to be sued unless I either redesigned most of the cards or got permission to use the stuff, which would mean royalties to be paid. For another: that's not why I started doing this. Want to print out the cards yourself and laminate them? Go for it. Want to use them on your myspace? Go right ahead! Want to print them out, pee on them and then light them on fire because you hate my cards? It's your God given RIGHT to be able to do so.

Just don't even fucking think about making money with anything that I've created. My stuff is meant to be free and to be shared.

That would go for any card game that I would work on too. Don't like that? Then don't work with me.

Lamination costs of decks etc., if the project actually gets that far, would probably need to be paid for via donations by the community, or (far more likely) by individuals covering the cost to make their own decks themselves.

Yeah, I'm a commie apparently. Who knew?

If No One Wants To Do It

Then I'll just make 'em for the lulz and to possibly get laminated and passed out at PAX (CTZ suggested that he might do this so that everyone in attendance could get a copy of their own card). I've got no problem with that, it's just that it would be mighty nice to turn this project into something much greater.

Regardless of what happens, I'm having a lot of fun making these cards and it's actually sorta become part of my routine. They don't usually take very long (although some take longer than others if I can't think of anything funny, or can't find good source images, or can't get a good color balance etc.) and I find myself doing them when I would normally be playing videogames, which is actually probably a better use of my time when you think about it (I've learned quite a bit about both Photoshop and the community and I'm constantly having to think up "creative" solutions for the various aspects of these cards).

What I'm Actually Trying To Say

I need help designing the rules.

Now you tell me Destructoid: do you want to do this, or don't you? :)

Random quote... EXECUTE!

“Don't undertake a project unless it is manifestly important and nearly impossible”

~Edwin Land   read

2:19 PM on 05.21.2008

Destructoid Cards: Booster Pack 5


Quick intro: for those of you wondering "how the hell do I play this crazy ass card game?" and "why does it itch down there?" I'll be posting a blog tomorrow talking about it rather than putting up more cards.

I just gotta believe!

Booster pack 5: Proof That I Am A Hack

Knives card notes: I'm sorry knives, I really am. I saw your amazing Audiosurf contest, I know you were one of the few Dtoiders to pay their own way to Cancun and I know you're a stand up dude. I had plenty of card fodder to be sure.

I'm a hack.

I couldn't stop myself, I just had to go with the most obvious hook and run with the Mexico jokes. Will you forgive me man?

This is the first card to get my new "standard" name treatment to help make them more legible. Oh, and the ability icons on the bottom?


Actual prison shanks.

I'M SORRY KNIVES! :(((((((((

Maxvest card notes: This is what happens when I do these late at night: I saw this blog entry, and the Noid was at the top. I just felt compelled to use him somewhere, but I couldn't make it work. Suddenly the hamster upstairs moved just enough to give me a crazy idea, a dream really: have the Noid snorting cocaine and use that as the ability icons for a drug cartel joke. So that's what that is supposed to be, he's snorting with a hundred dollar bill (the Noid, not Maxvest, although I'm sure Maxvest does too).


Enough about that though. Maxvest, if you haven't already noticed, is really fucking funny. Go back and read why he isn't buying GTA, or his plans for a videogame based economy and tell me that you don't love him. Do it, I dare you.

Oh yeah, here's the Summa in lipstick reference.

Conrad Zimmerman card notes: A hell of a prolific Dtoider, Conrad has three major running blog series: RetRose tinted (a look back at old games to see how they hold up), Death By Cartoon (episode by episode reviews of the astonishingly bad Captain-N cartoon series, and where the Slit-O-Meter reference comes from) and On The Table (a look at various tabletop games). Each series is regularly updated pretty much without fail, and each entry is both extremely well written and entertaining. Some people may find some of Conrads entries to be a bit too long, but I like 'em like that. Gives him "space to breath" as it were.

Oh, did I not mention that he also helps with the daily c-blog recaps?

Last note: I remembered hearing some rumblings a while back about Conrad being like kryptonite, because no matter how well written or interesting his blogs were, he just wasn't getting many comments. So that's where the retreat bit comes from, and by all means correct me if I'm mistaken :P

Scary Womanizing Pig Mask (SWPM) card notes: I'm extremely jealous of this guy; he's played Mother 3 while I'm sitting here waiting for the translation like a chump!

Along with the Mother series, SWPM loves, loves, loves him some Ace Attorney, a series I'm just getting into and also loving immensely. Combine these loves and you have SWPM's first ability!

Hold up a second. Before you go any further you need to read SWPM's unusual analysis of the ending to Earthbound. It definitely makes my personal top 10 c-blog entries of all time list.

Naia The Gamer card notes: A noted Rydia and Dragon Quest lover, Naia also creates music for theater, film, TV and videogames for a living, and lord knows that can't be easy.

One thing that bugs me about Naia though is that she always seems to ask better questions to the various podcasts than I do. Cereally, it's embarassing ;)

Naia also keeps an excel file chronicling the games that she has beaten and loves sprinkles cupcakes, pictures of which forced me to go out and buy some snacks after I finished the research phase of her card.

This particular card went through several iterations to get the portrait and everything to look, how shall I say; not like ass? I'm reasonably happy with the end result, mainly because of the amazing piece of Rydia fan art that I found.

I wish I had some actual artistic talent :(


Tomorrow I'll talk about what's going on with these cards with regards to actually playing with them, both in a separate blog and on the forum. So if you're interested in that, stay tuned.

As I said earlier: there won't be any cards tomorrow, and there may not be any the next day either, but rest assured; they're being worked on. Just a little more slowly now...

One last thing: if anyone wants the .psd files or source images for any of my cards, just let me know. The original templates that I'm using can be found right here. I'm not trying to monopolize anything here. I know that there are people out there that can make much better looking and funnier cards than myself, so if inspiration hits don't worry about stepping on my toes. There's nothing wrong with having two cards for one person :D

Coming Soon

Booster Pack 6 featuring...

Professor Pew

Secret booster pack 3 featuring...

Now that I've done the podcast theme I'll be using these "secret" packs to do people that aren't necessarily editors.

Random quote... EXECUTE!

“Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, 'What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'.”

~Stephen Wright   read

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