I'm not sure if I want to talk about this game I've been playing over the past week. Not only may people be completly turned off as to what the game actually is, but it's pretty depraved, despite being fun and one of the most hilarious things on earth.

First, I need to talk about what the game is. HellMOO is a MUD, specifically of the MOO variant. I have no idea what that means but it has something to do with the codebase to which I don't care about. MUD stands for multi-user dungeon, and if you're taking some hints here then you can safely assume this another way of saying MMO. But wait! MUD's are the MMO's of old, before the term MMO existed. The thing about MUD's that make them stand out, or stand down in some peoples opinions, is that MUD's are entierly text driven. Well, maybe not entirely because some have a minimap and some don't and those that don't suck, but it is 99% text driven. Everything is described and you interact with the world by typing commands such as "strip pants from crackhead". It's very old school and usually has a hell of a learning curve.


This is what you would be looking at the whole time while playing a MUD.

Why would I be playing this, as opposed to a full fledged MMO with graphics like WoW or EVE Online? My brain sometimes get a retro streak in it, which is fine. I play NetHack, try a MUD or two, and then a week later go back to normal gaming life. I'm a bit hooked by HellMOO tho and we'll get to that.

HellMOO is a post-apoc MUD, somewhat based around Fallout but exaggerated to the max. You wake up after the fallout, life sucks, and you're all alone and no one loves you. You start in Freedom City, which is about as lovely a place as Auschwitz. It rains a lot and smells terrible but somehow life has gotten by here. Your first order of business is to check out the orphanage. It's the newbie zone of sorts and will give you your first taste of combat and cash. How? Killing orphans. Don't look at me like that. Some of them a rabid and need to be "put down". You can do it and get paid by oh-so-loving Sister Agnes. It only get's worse from there. You can kill rednecks, whore yourself to NPC's, become a vampire, get so dumb you start talking in 1337 speak, live off severed arms, and I haven't even talked about the players.

This would be a pretty boring game if it wasn't for the other people who play this. I did say MUD stood for multi-user dungeon. The other people you play with make HellMOO pure gold. In the first two days of playing I was minding my own business when someone said they were giving free stuff out in Any Port Bar, which is the general meeting place for the population. Me not knowing how the game works, I wandered over there. Dumb move. About seven people are standing in Any Port, when the next person comes in and the following happens...

Djerk drops a dirty bomb on the floor.
Djerk says, "O CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN!"
Djerk brings a vicious blow down on the dirty bomb with his softball bat!
Djerk's softball bat puts a dent in the dirty bomb.
The dirty bomb explodes near Djerk!
*** B O O M ***
Veronica Moser is blown east by the explosion!
Gerelin is blown up by the explosion!
MelissaNova is blown north by the explosion!
Viscen is blown east by the explosion!
Wio is blown up by the explosion!
Lannik is blown east by the explosion!
Harrogate is blown north by the explosion!
Scruffy Benthic comes sailing in.
Scruffy Benthic hits the floor with a dull crack.
Scruffy Benthic looks stunned.
Djerk bursts into flames!
Care Dog crumples to the ground, gasps out his last breath, and dies.
Scruffy Benthic bursts into flames!
Djerk crumples to the ground, gasps out his last breath, and dies.
The body of Djerk's white cocoon capsule deploys around his gear with a foamy whoosh.
Scruffy Benthic crumples to the ground, gasps out its last breath, and dies.

He blew up the bar. I got shot out a window and turned into paste when I hit the ground. I could only sit at my computer completely stunned at what just happened. My brain's plan was to be pissed off, but I laughed instead. The guy got exactly what he wanted: a few dumb newbies to blow up. Which pretty much begins a long line of cockdickery that has yet to stop.

Since then it's been all kind of crazy. I joined a corp soon after, which is a guild pretty much, and it's been a pretty hilarious time since then. Occasionally I'll hang out at our office where not a lot of shenanigans happens, but a fellow corp member walked in one day and started offering me...something...

zomaluct gets out its black pill.
zomaluct tries to hand a black pill to Lannik, but Lannik doesn't want it.
Zomaluct drops a black pill on the floor.
Zomaluct gets a black pill from its bottle of black pills.
zomaluct says, "LET HNGNHH SOME PILLS"
Lannik says, "I don't think I want that."
zomaluct pops a black pill into its mouth.
zomaluct swallows a black pill.
zomaluct's body locks up and falls over.
Lannik says, "See, and you wonder why you talk like you do now."
zomaluct says, "B1UUUURURURUDUUH."

I don't know what it was, but he was stuck there for a few hours, paralyzed.

A few days later, I got this mutation called Salamander that allows me to mend wounds naturally. Cool right? But it take's a skill called Focus to work, which I didn't have leveled. I managed to bring it up a few levels and needed to take some hits to see if I could heal myself, so I walked over to the local crackmansion to beat on some crackheads and hopefully they would beat on me. Then something happened....

[ KREW ]: Lannik says, "OH MY FUCKING GOD"
[ KREW ]: Lannik says, "CAN I NOT GET BLOWN UP? PLEASE."
[ KREW ]: Coppelia asks, "Did something happen?"
[ KREW ]: Lannik says, "Someone just blew up the fucking crackhouse with me inside."
[ KREW ]: Coppelia says, "Hahahaha damn."
[ KREW ]: Lannik says, "Literally, I walked into the middle room, bottom floor, saw a metal suitcase and thought "You have got to be fucking kidd-"*BOOOOOM*"
[ KREW ]: Lannik says, "I am SO pissed."
[ KREW ]: Azeral says, "You should have thought 'south south south south'."
[ KREW ]: Coppelia says, "this is why you don't spend an extended amount of time in CM."
[ KREW ]: Coppelia says, "More like s s e e e e e e e e..."
[ KREW ]: Lannik says, "I was there for less then 10 min."
[ KREW ]: Lannik says, "God. Damn it."
[ KREW ]: Lannik says, "I was tyring to get injured to see if I could use "mend"."
[ KREW ]: Coppelia says, "Welp."

This all happened over the course of a week. HellMOO is dangerous and hilarious, and I enjoy playing it a lot. If you like complete insanity, play HellMOO. Bring back a crazy story, because no doubt you will have at least one.