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4:09 PM on 03.08.2011

The World of Pokťmon is Secretly Terrifying

I love pokemon. If youíre reading this, you probably love pokemon. Pokemon is great for what it is, a beautiful game that has its own special shortcut to my hypothalamus.

It does, however, have a deep, not-so-dark secret.

True Pokemon Battles arenít like in the video games.

For starters, letís look at the world of pokemon. Very little about it is actually known, but itís pretty obvious to anyone whoís ever played it that itís set in some sort of confused futuristic society. I say confused because while they seem to take the technology of instantaneous teleportation for granted, you do manage to spot the occasional car or train. Why do they even need cars? They donít have roads! In fact, every region weíve seen is really little more than a large, populated park. They take like twenty minutes to walk (unhindered) from left to right, and when was the last time youíd ever seen a municipal building (pokemon centers aside) in any of the many towns and cities? The pokemon world has no government, no bank system (more on that in a moment), and very little to do for leisure unless you enjoy torturing small animals. Hell, the only public swimming pool weíve ever seen to my knowledge, doubled as a pokemon gym. So yeah, kid, enjoy the water, hope you donít get hit by a stray hydro pump!

When Iím playing pokemon, I never have to worry about the monetary system. Itís the only RPG Iíve ever played, in which Iíve never struggled to make ends meet. I just strap on the old amulet coin every time I get to a gym, and I can afford enough Protein to shut down my Pigniteís kidneys. How does their financial system even work? How can they survive the strain of hundreds or thousands of trainers cashing in on elaborate medical equipment and (what I assume to be) highly advanced technology on a daily basis? From what I can tell, their main currency (the PokeDollar, Iím told) is backed by pokemon battles. They even have pokemon that can spontaneously generate money, and thatís not even for spending.

He's about to make it RAIN!

In Piers Anthonyís short story In The Barn, we are introduced to an alternate universe in which some people are taken and intentionally handicapped, and raised as livestock. In the world of Pokemon, we have a similar situation, except instead of our fellow humans, weíve somehow managed to subvert a relatively superior species of intelligent, superpowered monsters. Their slavery even goes so far that they are captured and forced to fight one another, for nought but amusement. This has become this worldís only notable sport. In Black and White, I was surprised to find a sports stadium; This turned out to be a not much more than a tiny basketball court, where the three players were either standing around or - you guessed it - battling pokemon.

Some final words before I allow you return to your cruel tyranny, fellow pokemen. How much longer do you believe the pokemon world can last, balancing precariously on the backs of the thousands of forgotten, speechless Gurdurrs and Magnemites? How many more times do you believe your Charmander will follow your command to its doom, before it turns on its master? Do you really trust your Chatot to fly you and its fallen comrades to the nearest pokemon center safely every time?

Friends, I leave you with a thought for you to chew on; N was right all along.   read

5:42 PM on 02.19.2011

Hi, I'm Tesla. I like long walks on the beach and VIDYA GAMES!

Let me just begin by saying that I have no idea what to write about here.

Hi, I'm Tesla. I'm a 17 year old Irish male (well, right now I'm 16, but at the time of writing, I'm 17 in two minutes). Nice to meet you!

I've always wanted to have a place where I could just write without it being a response to something, or under a 140 character restriction. And since I'm far too young and undereducated to have any kind of significant soapbox, my choices were reduced to blogspot or this. But I love Destructoid, and I love the two (read; zero) people who shall read this!

Because of my demographic, many people would (rightfully) assume that I'm some foul-mouthed, hormone crazed halo whore, but I, like many others on this site, can claim that I've never even played Halo, or any other console-based multiplayer online FPS. (Except Gears of War multiplayer one time, but that doesn't count because all I did was throw smoke grenades then spin in circles shooting, screaming "I AM THE SMOKE MONSTER!") No, my gaming habits are defined more by games like The Sims 3, Pokťmon, Mass Effect 2, Half Life, Professor Layton, and very recently, Dead Space 2.

My first memories of video games were when I was about... Oh, five or six. My brother and I were given a Playstation 1 for our birthday, and I remember I would just watch him playing Penny Racers (a game I'm sad to find is almost undocumented on the PS1). For a while, this was always how it went. Me brother and I would play together, with him at the controller. We weren't picky, and we didn't exactly grow up during a golden age of gaming, so I can remember playing "Disney's Hercules", and "No One Can Stop Mr. Domino!" (given to us by our German babysitter, thanks again Vera!).

The first game I actually remember playing myself was the first Spyro. I fucking loved Spyro, but was incapable of getting past the first level, so I would just play the opening again and again. Still, it stuck with me, and I'd probably still be taking it out to play it occasionally, but Playstation took a bite out of the disc one day.

The first game I ever completed was Pokemon Red! OH MAN, that game was good! I was just like any other kid my age; we all played it, we all exploited the missingno glitch, and we all believed that you could move the truck in Vermilion city to capture Mew.

Over time, my obsession grew. (I remember unboxing my PS2, and when it only came with two games I asked my parents "is that all?") Like many of us, gaming is what eventually brought me to the internet. More specifically, I joined my first gaming forum on the hunt for more information on Maxis' Spore, after it was shown off in GDC '05 (the game turned out to be nothing like the preview, of course, much to my chagrin.)

I haven't been a devoted Destructoid member for very long at this point. I came here through the awesome webseries "Hey Ash, Whatcha Playin'?" and quickly fell in love with the podcasts here, namely RetroforceGo! and Podtoid.

My gaming habits these days are primarily on PC, with a little handheld gaming on my iPhone or DS. Currently I'm playing Dead Space 2, Ghost Trick: Phantom Detective, and Plants v. Zombies (again.) I plan on buying that new Pokemon game as soon as it's released here, and have high hopes.

So, that's me pretty much a history of me and games. Was that incredibly boring? It was probably incredibly boring. Still, I'm a first timer and I'm looking for advice. If you managed to find your way through that labyrinthine block of text, please post a comment and keep me motivated to write more later! I'LL DO ANYTHING TO PLEASE YOU!

kthxbai   read

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