Just so you all know, I've never written or read a final fantasy fanfic. My original plan was for this to be a lot funnier but I got lost somewhere along the way in my love for the characters in the game. Anyway, enjoy and wish me luck!





"Climb, warm up, climb, warm up... gah!" Cloud was exhausted climbing the icy cliffs of the northern continent crater once again. Twenty years had passed since the battle with Bahamut and the reappearance of Sephiroth. Cloud panted, desperately trying to warm his lungs with little result from the cold, harsh winds of the icy peninsula. "Come to think of it, I don't even know why I'm doing this again, especially for the Shinra" ... Within the last ten years, the Shinra company had made every effort to turn it's image around and to reverse the effects of the damage done by extracting Mako energy for all those years. A solution had been found, which didn't go down very well with many on the planet, especially those interested in the history of the planet and the ancient Cetra tribe. The Great Materia Melt had been in effect for seven years now and it was believed that all materia on the planet had been melted back into it's pure Mako state, with the "All" materia being the most generous in terms of energy released back to the planet. Given Cloud's background and history with Materia he was taken out of his delivery day job and put in charge of the mind-numbing and soul-destroying task of melting the materia to mako. Cloud nor any of the old 'Avalanche' group were permitted to keep any of their Materia - with the 'Masters' being put into military grade storage for future generations.

As Cloud ascended to the peak of the cliff, battling twenty enemies in the process, he saw what he searched for. It glistened with a certain glow not known to the children of today. That glow was materia. Raw energy produced by the planet which had a specific purpose and magical ability. This was the last of the Materia. As Cloud stared into the light green hue his stomach churned with memories of Aeris, slowly falling toward the ground after having a Masamune sword through her stomach. This was Aeris' Holy materia. After the first encounter with Sephiroth at the Northern Cave, the planet shot out the largest amount of energy ever witnessed by anyone on this planet. The Holy materia spewed out and was thought to have been lost to the lifestream. Yet here it was. A prayer, a memory, a loved one. All of these things were encompassed within a tiny ball of energy. Cloud wiped away a tear as he placed the Materia into his pocket and proceded to descend back down through the caves, and to the Great Glacier where he could rendezvous with the 'New Turks' and get his lift back home to the condo's at Avondale, formerly Sector 7 Slums of Midgar.

Cloud contemplated his entire life on the boat ride back to the east continent. His birth, his parents, the day he looked in Tifa's underwear drawer... Yeah, it had been one hell of a ride. To hell and back, with a little amnesia in between. Still, nothing a good 'Soft' won't fix he thought to himself. Tifa certainly made a fantastic drink, even after all these years. 7th Heaven was doing well again, after the re-opening it didn't fare too well at first but after the Shinra started the regeneration projects on the former Midgar, business was booming. Cloud smiled to himself when he thought of his first trip there, the money issues with Barrat and the strange feeling that his daughter shouldn't be anywhere near a bar, let alone behind it. The days of Tifa and the well, the memories that may have been implanted or not - either way it didn't matter. For Cloud and Tifa had spent the last twenty years together as man and wife, whilst never a smooth ride it was always interesting he thought to himself. Considering he had been away working for two weeks now, Cloud was rather anxious to meet his wife for a bit of middle-aged rumpy pumpy.

As Cloud arrived on the shores of the Eastern Continent, he glared upon what used to be Midgar, mounted his eco-friendly 50cc motorcycle and hummed the crazy tune that always goes with it. Off he rode into the sunset, whilst sending a text to his good lady asking for the Soft he so desired.

Upon his arrival at the new 7th Heaven, Cloud was greeted with cheers. The usual response of "..." will suffice, thought Cloud. And sure enough, everyone in the bar cheered even though many had no clue who he was now that he had a balding head. Tifa brought over his Soft and proclaimed; "Cloud has done the world a service time and time again, now it's his turn to give me a service - if you'll excuse us." Tifa grabbed Cloud by the scruff of his neck and attempted to take him through to the stock room. As Cloud passed through the doorway, he became jammed. "What the hell have I told you about unequipping your sword in public places? If I've told you once, I've told you a million times. God, what must it take for you to listen to me. You never listen unless it involves Mako, Sephiroth or Aeris. I've had enough." Tifa was by now a deep shade of purple and tiny pockets of steam were being frantically pushed out of her ears. Cloud loved it when she got like this and knew that as always, the best response would be no response at all. "..." replied Cloud, which gave birth to yet another wave of emotion to sweep over Tifa. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have mentioned Aeris - but you shouldn't be out climbing mountains at your age either. You're 48. This whole Mako quest to heal the planet has to stop. For the last three years you have been out hunting every day. Why couldn't you do this when you were younger, when they had you at the melt factory? Surely it would have made more sense than sending you out when you're almost ready to retire?"

Cloud was stumped. She was right, everything she said was right and that boiled his piss to the Nth degree. For the last three years, he had of course, endured a mid-life crisis and tried to relive the days of yesteryear, albeit without much training and nowhere near as many Phoenix Downs or Elixirs (Or hair for that matter). A year of this time had again, been spent in a hospital after Cloud awoke a secondary class Weapon and was knocked unconscious for 12 weeks and severe amnesia for the remainder of the time. He thought about what to say for a second, but then blurted it out; "Remember when I looked at your underwear? That still makes me chuckle to this day." He could see a slight twinkle in her eye, the same one that had been there the night on the well before he had left for Midgar to join SOLDIER. "Yeah I remember" claimed Tifa, "Though you know you shouldn't have" and stuck her tongue out after she had finished her sentence.

Cloud gave Tifa a hug and a kiss, then decided to go back home and make the call to President Rufus III to hand over the final materia.
On his trip up through the elevator, all the thoughts of Aeris came back to him for a moment, until there it was. The single, most hilarious thing he had ever witnessed; Cait Sith. What sort of stupid, jumped up contraption was that thing and why didn't he ever meet the guy in the control room? Rumours had circulated that it was Moogles and Chocobo's leading a revolt from within the Shinra company, some thought it was the age old legend of the famous helper robot, Toid, helper of those in need of technical assistance. Of course, myths and legends arise when civilisations and cultures merge and adapt and the world had certainly changed in the last twenty years. Mako dependency was at an all time low, Chocobo are as prominent on the planet as people and for the most part, everyone lives clean, healthy lives.

Cloud slumped down on his couch. "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip." Cloud stumbled to his feet and slowly turned around whilst pathetically attempting to reach for his sword only to realise that *he* had caused the noise. Yeah, his 10,000gil real swamp snake leather sofa was now ruined. "Unequip next time." He thought to himself, imagining Tifa nagging at him once more. After speaking with President Rufus, Cloud made his way out over to the next town seeing herds of Behemoth's and a tonberry couple, each with matching his and hers shoes.
The trip was short, afterall it was only to Kalm town. Upon meeting Pres Rufus III for only the second time, Cloud bowed his head and held out his hand, awaiting Rufus' evaluation. "Excellent", said Rufus in a humbled voice, "Now then, the issue of your payment. The last time you worked freelance for us, you demanded a fee which was damn near extortion. What will the price be this time?" Cloud looked stunned. He had expected to just moan about the small fee later on, but this time decided to milk it a little.

"My retirement" blasted Cloud. Rufus' eyes popped out of his head for a slight second before jumping back in their sockets. "And just why do you feel the need to retire off of this one piece of materia?" enquired Rufus with a snarl. Cloud took a deep breath, not really willing to explain the story once more. "A girl I loved died over that one piece of materia. Which also happens to be the most valuable piece of materia ever created and should be placed with the other master materia for your 'Warriors of Light' project. This materia saved the planet. It is Holy."

Rufus looked slightly intrigued at the prospect of a 'Holy' materia. He had never even heard of such a thing. Religion was not prevalent on the planet, all the churches of old were mainly in the slums of Midgar, but were destroyed. Now home to Softbucks, Tentville. Wal-Item and the new apartments, religion was nothing more than an age old fable. A force greater than materia? Rufus looked slightly displeased at this fact which had been presented to him, yet more intrigued than anything as to it's origins. Cloud couldn't tell him any more than he knew, which was Aeris got it from her mother - an ancient of the Cetra tribe. Cloud brought the subject back around to his retirement, "So, you gonna let me retire now?" Rufus grinned and granted his wish in full with a blank cheque for Cloud to fill in.

Ten. Million. Gil. "Woooooooooooooooohooooooooooooo!" shouted Cloud as he parked his eco-bike outside the local video game retailer. Five minutes later he returned to the bike with twelve bags, four with consoles, three with accessories and five full of games. It was going to be a fun evening. Upon returning to his house, with absolute joy written all over his face and ever balding head, he was met with the dreaded question "Honey, what would you like for dinner?" Not caring about food for the next twelve hours, Cloud replied "I'll have what you're having" and sat himself down in front of his TV. First out was the SuperHyperEntertainmentSystem, CrashBrothers, BettoidPrime, Gario Brothers and First Fantasy. Cloud finally found his spot on the sofa and began to sink in. Several hours had passed before he realised that he hadn't heard from Tifa since they briefly spoke about dinner. "What could be going on?" pondered cloud as he slid off the chair with a heave and one last trashy comment to the guy who kirb stomped him a moment ago, logged out from his GBoxOnline account. He scoured around the apartment but found no trace of Tifa or any food being cooked. "This is fucked up." he thought to himself and decided not to give it any more thought. So again, he sat down with his bag of games and chose another at random. Now delivering things for people all over the world for thirteen years teaches you a trick or two, to always coin it in where possible and to make as much for yourself as you can. Yet what he saw in front of him on his TV screen baffled him. CircleSoft's First Fantasy VII was loaded up and there for the world to see, was Cloud's face. With hair. Though black and blue in colour, it was certainly him.

"ZOMFG WTF" he shrieked. "I AM IN TEH GAME!11!!11!"

Two hours passed and everything was exactly as Cloud remembered it in game from his real life experiences. "All this time, all of it - all of it happened and I wasn't nuts?" This thought rolled through his mind every second like a freight train crossing the interstate bridge. Here it was. Real. Validation. But how? How on earth could one man's early adult experiences end up here, in an interactive visual medium, which, was more fun than doing it in real life?

Without realising it, Cloud had become a global hero. It didn't take many years for word to spread around the planet about Cloud and his merry bunch of helpers saving the world from catastrophic evil. Cloud's seclusion from the world whilst delivering parcels and working inside a lab had left him inexperienced with the ways of modern pop culture. All he knew was that he liked the old Zekken games growing up and wanted to have some fun with some new technology. Never in a million years did he think he would be the lead role of his own video game. Flabbergasted, he called all of the old crew. Each of which proceeded to laugh hysterically at Cloud's ignorance of the outside world. It was Vincent, most surprisingly who said the most, "Look mate, I'm really fucking busy trying to take out this Cerberus creature here, could I call you back in 30mins?" So there Cloud was left alone with his Bony FreyStation, a memory card and nothing but sheer determination to collect and relive his golden years. No matter how hard he tried, there was no W-Item materia in the game. Seems the guys at CircleSoft knew that it had been a violation of the Replication of Materia and Materials act and decided not to put this feature in the game.

Proud Clod was a moment Cloud enjoyed playing through but after 37hrs of game play and only reaching Lvl48, he called it quits.

"So that was my life? A bunch of random fights and collecting materia, which I would then lose... only to have to melt again? Well I can't see the point in that." It was at this moment that Cloud's heart broke. Never before had he seen the world so harshly and soon dropped off into a deep sleep. During this sleep he dreamt a many wonderous thing, flying cheese, pink goats and last but not least, Aeris Gainsborough. "Carry on Cloud, your quest is not yet over" Aeris gently explained.

Cloud immediately awoke, eyebrows stern, with a look of 120% pure determination. He fired up his FreyStation, loaded his save point and went through the game until every everything was in his possession at the highest levels possible. On Cloud's 67th birthday he finally defeated Sephiroth after many years of attempting to remember his old materia set up. The joy was such that he had a heart attack and immediately died. He laughed to himself with his final thoughts of what he used to tease Tifa with when they first married... "I've told you lady, you're not going outside without a Wall, Reflect and Final Attack-Revive." At least he knew he had done his best in the time that he had, regardless of going mental and becoming a recluse. Upon dying, Aeris was there waiting for him at the end of the tunnel, neither of them appearing to be a day older than 21 years of age, looking back toward the world he had just left, Cloud knew he had just experienced his Final Fantasy.