Top 10 Amorphous Blobs of Gaming

In an attempt to try an original Top 10 list (oxymoron lol), I’ve compiled a list of gaming’s
greatest blobs. To be honest, these are the first ones that popped into my head since this
is a fairly obscure subject matter. If you can think of more/better choices give me a shout
out and we’ll debate whether said character is an amorphous blob or not.

10. Sluggy the Unshaven – Yoshi’s Island: Super Mario World 2 (SNES)*

The common traits of all the bosses in Yoshi’s Island were they were larger versions of
their normal forms. Normally, you’d see these creatures throughout the game as regular
enemies, but you don’t ever see these slug things until you get to Sluggy’s castle. This
boss was a pain because you had to be quick and accurate with your shots or else you’ll
slowly, but surely be pushed off the edge. This creature was flat out gross; I don’t think
I’ve ever seen a slug with hair, let alone one with hair on his heart. I’m a pretty hairy guy
so I might even have hair on my heart.

9. Master Belch/Barf – Earthbound (SNES)



A staple of Earthbound. Once you get to big pile puke himself, you’ll truly see how bizarre
this game is. Not only do his belches give you nausea (a type of poison), but he also has a
fetish for fly honey. However, since the initial fight with him doesn’t quite do justice, he
comes back later in the game, and is pissed off. This reincarnated Belch, now named Barf,
claims that fighting with him will be worst than living in your own puke. Luckily, he’s not
that difficult since a recently acquired Multi Bottle Rocket will show how much of an
overpowered badass Jeff is. Then flies in and uses PSI Starstorm, but you didn’t really
need it cuz Jeff fucked that mother up! Bitch!

8. The Great Mighty Poo – Conker’s Bad Fur Day (N64)*

When an amorphous blob starts singing, you know the shit is getting real (no pun intended!)
One of the greatest moments in gaming is fending off a giant, pissed off, steaming pile of
shit (Too Human?) with nothing other than rolls of toilet paper. Ironically, that pile of poo
almost looks like chocolate pudding. Actually, I think I’m going to stop right there before
this becomes a discussion on “Two Girls One Cup…”

7. Blobert – A Boy and His Blob: Trouble on Blobolonia (NES)*

A classic blob, the only problem is it’s not always amorphous. Feeding it different types of
jelly beans will cause it transform into a ladder, bridge, key, dildo, and so on. One gripe I
have is how does he (or anyone) for that matter not like ketchup, or ketchup-flavored jelly
beans!? I guess the idea of a jelly bean is gross, as are those pieces of shit Harry Potter
and popcorn-flavored Jelly Belly beans.

6. Morpha – The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (N64)



Ocarina of Time’s Water Temple stole hundreds of hours of gamers’ playtime with its
bullshit key and locked door labyrinth, and it also offered one of the more annoying bosses
in the game. This boss gives me the creeps. Should you fall in the water of the chamber,
you’re fucked. While the premise is simple, hookshot the nucleus and slash it, that bugger
is a pain in the ass to track down and catch. You grab it, but it hits one of those pointless
platforms and falls back in the water, or you have to be at the perfect angle or else your
hook shot will just hit edge of the pool. Should you dare to concentrate while tracking the
nucleus down, one of those gel tentacles will rape you and make for a soft-core hentai…

5. Slime Eyes – The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening (Game Boy)



I apologize for including two Zelda blobs in the same list, but the list was running dry. The
thing that got me with this blob was first off, the music for this specific dungeon (Level 3)
scared the living shit out of me when I first played this game at age 5. Then you get to the
boss and it’s an endless torrent of those blob monsters that you can kill in one hit. No
matter how many times you kill them, they keep coming. Then you put on the Pegasus
Boots that you pick up in the same dungeon and hit a wall. BAM! PLOT TWIST
MOTHERFUCKER! The blobs are a giant pair of eyeballs.

4. Slime – Dragon Quest series (Multi)



A staple of the Dragon Quest series and amorphous blobs alike. It pains me every time I
kill one of these cute, little, blue blobs. Later in the games, they start becoming less cute
and more asshole-like. Like when I’m trying to level grind and I’m hunting down Metal
Slimes. You basically have like turns (three if you’re lucky) to kill these mofos and get
your rightful reward of inflated experience points. Plus, it’s never a good idea to allow
multiple slimes to gather, lest you want to face the big daddy himself, King Slime.

3. Ditto – Pokemon (Game Boy)



At PAX this year, my buddies and I were discussing the potency and health of Ditto’s
breeding habits. As you know from Pokemon Gold and Silver, the most efficient way to
breed Pokemon is to hook it up with Ditto, that dude’s a pimp. However, it leaves me
wonder how many STD’s Ditto and its many partners have contracted. I’ve come up with
the conclusion that Ditto is not actually a blob, but rather a walking, talking HIV virus!

2. LocoRoco – LocoRoco (PSP)



What’s with all these blobs being so damn cute!? It’s one thing when they look cute, but
when you tack on some uber cheerful, J-Pop music for kids, you can’t deny how adorable it
is, no matter how badass you think you are. Even when the point of the game is to
navigate as many LocoRoco’s as possible, you know you’re a horrible person when you
allow even one to perish.

1. The Princess – Fat Princess (PS3)



I figured, I might as well end on a zinger, which this lady has had one too many of. When
the objective of this real-time strategy hybrid is to return your team’s amorphous blob to
your side of battlefield, while the opposing side feeds her treats to make her much larger
and uncontrollable, you have a good game. While this may offend some people, just be
glad I didn’t put them up on this list.



*I had a pretty picture accompany this entry but my destructoid (and bbcode) fails and
won't allow it to show up