When I was 8 years old, I had an older cousin who introduced me to the Sailor Moon anime; she was obsessed with the show. During her adolescent years, whenever I’d visit her for the holidays, her room was decked out in Sailor Moon stuff. She had posters on her walls, action figures and other toys on her shelves, all of which were neatly organized, as she was a girl. My favorite item of hers was a wand that would sparkle and make noises when a button on it was pressed. She even had a notebook full of Sailor Moon trading cards and many duplicates, and she would let me have some of her duplicates. This was my first encounter with collectible cards and would only manifest further with the likes of Pokemon three years later.

Skip ahead about 10 years and I’d come across a new friend who re introduced me to Sailor Moon and enlightened me on things like Sailor Moon S, Sailor Moon Stars, Super Sailor Moon Saiyan Stars versus Goku, and that’s when my mind was blown. Of course, I stopped caring about the series after the first three seasons, and for good reason. My friend informed me that in Sailor Moon Stars, there are boys who turn into girls who turn into Sailor Scouts. WTF? Now I’m proud to say that I never delved that far into the Sailor Moon canon or any anime for that matter—it simply gets too weird.



Before I bore you any further with more nostalgia, the Sailor Moon Super S fighting game for the Super Famicom was discussed recently on the Giant Bombcast. There was an interesting discussion about the title and it piqued my interest. They joked around about if Tuxedo Mask was in the game and the comment was shot down as him being the only one with competent fighting skills, would be too overpowered for the game. There were additional jokes about how Jeff Gerstmann was “getting his Sailor Venus and Sailor Uranus fighting sticks ready for tournament play.” I then decided to do a quick Google search for the game, and sure enough, I found a Web site that was dedicated to Sailor Moon video games and spotted a ROM for the Sailor Moon Super S fighting game.

Upon booting the game up, I was greeted with the familiar Sailor Moon theme song in MIDI form. The game’s in Japanese, obviously, but I managed to piece together things like random English words and numbers and got into the game’s story mode. I had the choice of picking Sailors Moon, Mercury, Mars, Jupiter, Venus and Chibi Moon. I of course went with my main girl, Sailor Venus. If you want to debate who the best Sailor Scout is, we can take this outside (the comment section), but you are wrong if you think otherwise.



Anyway, I started the battle against Sailor Mars and boy is she overpowered! She starts off with a quarter extra health than me and she chains her flame attacks right and left. I was lucky to get a few hits in as I frantically mashed my keyboard for possible combos. I managed to pull off some heart projectile attack that dealt decent damage and then my heart whip, which does jack shit. Two rounds passed quickly and the match was over and I had lost.



I was soon greeted with a Game Over screen that featured a unicorn, so I guess that was cool. I decided to try again, but with Chibi Moon. To summarize: fuck her! She died in like five seconds.

Fortunately, I did manage to see a change of scenery as I played as Sailor Mars, who would fight Sailor Mercury. She features the same difficulty of having more health than me and being a cheap bastard. Seriously, she picked me up and threw me down three times in a row. So, maybe it’s just I suck at fighting games (I won’t argue that), but perhaps I’ll take out my frustration on my Sailor Moon friend, by beating her at the game because she sucks at video games.



*theme song*

Testing my patience by moonlight
Pissing me off by daylight
Never letting me win a fight
Fuck the game of Sailor Moon

It is meant to offend
Emotional injuries to mend
Hell is where I will send
This shitty game…

Sailor Venus (she’s alright)
Sailor Mercury (what a dyke)
Sailor Mars (fuck that bitch)
Sailor Jupiter (ugh!)

Testing my patience by moonlight
Pissing me off by daylight
Me playing this game is not right
Fuck the game of Sailor Moon
Fuck the game of Sailor Moon
Fuck the game… SAILOR MOON!