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I'm a Journalism Major at Eastern Washington University. I love playing games and writing about them. Whenever I have enough time in my procrastination cycles, I'll periodically update this blog with new entries. Video games will be my focus, but I'll also share the occasional Dungeons & Dragons anecdote or similar nerdy misadventure.
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I originally got this idea after some comments from Giant Bomb’s Ryan Davis when he was doing a Quick Look of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince for the 360. Obviously poking fun at the franchise, some of the names of Harry Potter books/movies were Harry Potter and the Mysterious Death of Tupac, and Harry Potter and the 9/11 Conspiracy.
I thought it was hilarious and decided that while standing around tearing tickets at the movie theater I work at, I would list some potential/rejected titles for future Harry Potter books/movies despite they’re already done with the books. Call it a rebirth. My initial goal was 50, which I surpassed and eventually ended at 73. Below are the titles there were compiled, and probably half of them sound like pornos. As I began writing up summaries for some of the entries, the creepy sensation of fan-fiction started to kick in, causing me to stop almost immediately. 1. Harry Potter and the Mysterious Death of Tupac 2. Harry Potter and the 9/11 Conspiracy 3. Harry Potter and the City of Pedophiles – The city is actually deserted, save for one inhabitant, who at one time was a pedophile. Somehow connected to Voldemort, trick to get Harry and friends. 4. Harry Potter and the Nazi Concentration Camps – Voldemort has discovered and reopened a Nazi Concentration Camp with magic. Tries to cremate Harry. 5. Harry Potter and the Resident Sex Offender 6. Harry Potter and the Failed Meth Lab Experiment – Harry and friends try to cook up some meth in Potions class and fail. 7. Harry Potter and the Tylenol Overdose 8. Harry Potter and the AIDS Epidemic 9. Harry Potter and the Ku Klux Klan – Voldemort assumes control of the KKK, which eventually becomes the Death Eaters (PREQUEL) 10. Harry Potter and the Robot Apocalypse – Voldemort sends an army of constructs to attack Hogwarts, hundreds are killed. 11. Harry Potter and the Robot Apocalyspe Part II: Zombie Apocalypse – The radiation from the constructs seeps into the groundwater and infects those that drink from it, creating zombies to attack Hogwarts. 12. Harry Potter and the Prison Shower – Harry is arrested and sent to Azkaban and endures several adventures here until his friends break him out. 13. Harry Potter and the Broken Condom 14. Harry Potter and the Arson Misdemeanor 15. Harry Potter and the March of the Gays 16. Harry Potter and the Exploitation of Illegal Immigrants – House elves are considered to be illegal immigrants now and the Ministry of Magic starts to crack down on the practice. 17. Harry Potter and the Stand-up Cannibal (almost sounds like a Goosebumps book) 18. Harry Potter and the Compulsory Vasectomies – A new law is put into effect that forces all males ot get vasectomies in order to control the wizarding population. 19. Harry Potter and the Failed Abortion (also Harry Potter: The Failed Abortion) 20. Harry Potter and the Big Ass Ramp – Harry and company take part in a high speed chase, that involves jumping over a big ass ramp. 21. Harry Potter and the Visit from the Coke Man 22. Harry Potter and the Childhood Rape – Harry recalls a memory from both his past and Voldemort’s causing a mutual contempt for their upbringing. 23. Harry Potter and the Anal Sex Slave 24. Harry Potter and the Fist of God 25. Harry Potter and the Missing Gerbil 26. Harry Potter and the Protruding Growth – Something emerges from Harry’s body that appears to be magical. Harry is looked down for his perverse object. 27. Harry Potter and the Missing Testicle 28. Harry Potter and the Manifest Destiny 29. Harry Potter and the Hackey Sack Gang – Harry joins a group of hackey sack players that are being used by Voldemort to kill Harry. 30. Harry Potter and the Frat Party 31. Harry Potter and the Tri-Wizard Solitaire Tournament – Several years after the events of Goblet of Fire, a new tournament arises where Wizards compete in the most epic competition imaginable: Solitaire. 32. Harry Potter and the Dead Parakeet 33. Harry Potter and the Beanie Babie Collection – Malfoy taunts Harry and the rest of Hogwarts with his wealth and being able to purchase every Pokemon card created. Harry counters by collecting Beanie Babies, but realizes his collection is well past its prime. 34. Harry Potter and the Cursed Coloring Book 35. Harry Potter and Abercrombie & Fitch – Harry faces off against a clothing company known for furnishing the biggest pricks in the wizarding community. Harry casts a middle finger spell at them to show his disgust. 36. Harry Potter and the Designer Strap-on 37. Harry Potter and the Broken Bong 38. Harry Potter and the Moon – Harry Potter goes to the FREAKIN’ MOON! 39. Harry Potter and the Tri-Wizard Drinking Tournament 40. Harry Potter Goes to Washington 41. Harry Potter and the Disney Channel Clusterfuck – Harry Potter faces off against the likes of Hillary Duff, Ashley Tisdale, Zac Effron, Miley Cyrus, The Jonas Brothers, and the surprise hidden guest Hayden Pantierre. 42. Harry Potter and the Petting Zoo 43. Harry Potter and the Lopsided Boob 44. Harry Potter and the Pearl Necklace 45. Harry Potter and the Curse of the Cleveland Steamer 46. Harry Potter and the Drive-by Shooting 47. Harry Potter and the Clap 48. Harry Potter and the Snapping Turtle 49. Harry Potter and the Suicidal Japanese Kids 50. Harry Potter and the Golden Shower – Dumbledore asks for Harry’s presence as he bestows upon him a new protection against the Dark Arts. 51. Harry Potter and the Enlarged Prostate 52. Harry Potter and the Douche of Kindness 53. Harry Potter and the Swastika of Truth 54. Harry Potter and the Forbidden Erection 55. Harry Potter and the Elephantitis of the Balls 56. Harry Potter and the Marshmallow of Gobbling – The Weasley Twins accidently unleash an enchanted Marshmallow that constantly eats. 57. Harry Potter and the Mahogany Doldrums – This actually sounds like a legit title for a Harry Potter book/movie. 58. Harry Potter and the 12-Year-Old Genocide – Voldemort plots to rid the world of 12-year-olds. No one bothers to stop him. 59. Harry Potter and the Stonemasons of Incest 60. Harry Potter and the Pencilbox of Thieves – Harry finds a pencilbox that causes the user to write down instructions for major heists whenever they pick up a quill. 61. Harry Potter and the Violent Crayons – Coloring with these crayons drains the user of their bodily fluids that correspond with the color of the crayon. 62. Harry Potter and the Next-Door Neighbors 63. Harry Potter and the Exodus to Payless 64. Harry Potter and the Heroin Addict 65. Harry Potter and the Tight Underwear of Hate 66. Harry Potter and the Play-dough Puppeteers 67. Harry Potter and the Molester’s Nephew – Actually the first book in terms of history of Harry Potter, just like the Magician’s Nephew in Chronicles of Narnia. Don’t ask, I don’t write this. 68. Harry Potter and the Chode of Destiny 69. lol (immaturity overwhelms me) 70. Harry Potter and the Blisters of Magic 71. Harry Potter and the Possessed MILF’s 72. Harry Potter and the Slightly Sacred Tomb 73. Harry Potter and the Pussy Cat Brigade
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Living the dream since March 16, 2006
Living the dream since March 16, 2006
<JonJonB> Let's see the results...
<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything
<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.
<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "
<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls
<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"
<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.
<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.
<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.
<JonJonB> Ok
<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof
<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
<melusine > O_______O
<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang
<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.
<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.
That is the first thing I think of whenever someone mentions Harry Potter. It's hard to explain the uncontrollable giggles I erupt into in regular conversation though.
@swpm
Wow , just ... wow !
Also, some of these made me literally laugh out loud. Especially #13.
Harry Potter and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
...okay, I should've thought this out more, but it's late, so eh.
Best regards, Mary, CEO of website advertising and iscsi redundant