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Sh3la THA G4m3r Meets Rule #1: The Chronicles of Niero - Destructoid




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About
About Me:

I'm a 21 year old gamer from Canada who refuses to accept rational or logical explanations of all things. Armed with a large vocabulary and total disregard for morals and opinions, I fight for Justice. Or Destruction. Which ever gets me teh pwn.




Also, here are 10 things you didn't know about me



Games I've Played worth mentioning
Resident Evil Series
Shining Force Series
All the Sonics. ALL of them.
Command and Conquer Series
Fallout 1,2 and 3
The Elder Scrolls Series

A Genuinely Scary Story

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Part 9

Other Stories I've Written

Risque Business
Karma
Monkey Business
The Chronicles of Niero
A Tribute to ZzFFTLzZ: The End of Douchebaggery
Skid Marks
Tastes on the Danforth: The Harbinger of Death
Didn't see that one coming
The Gross Out
Fear: Shit makes you run
You can't get out eggnog stains
Rage is the best investment
Stupid is as stupid does
Necessity above all else
The most horrific story ever told
Dunk-a-roos: Crack for children

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Well. I didn't want to do this. I'm already afraid of what I'm going to come up with. Sh3la THA G4m3r, don't fuck with us or this could happen.



The Cockmonger watched on her television as the BANHAMMER hit ZzFFTLzZ in the forehead, and came in her pants when he exploded into smoke and cocks. She swayed and dropped to her knees, a position she knew all to well. Usually she decided when to get on her knees, but Niero's awesomeness had been to much for her. Curses, she thought to herself, if only I could somehow destroy that bastard Niero and the D-Toid Army. Shakily, she got to her feet and stumbled over to her computer chair. She inhaled in frustration, when suddenly, her breasts shot our of her top, tearing the fabric, exposed. Her breasts had recently grown two cups sizes!

"WHAT THE FUCK!?" she screamed. She slammed her fists down on the computer desk and threw a copy of "Cocksucking for Cunts" across the room and into the closed blinds. The force of the book hit the blinds just so that it immediately rolled up and revealed two guys standing just outside her window on the sidewalk. Alerted by the sound, both guys looked over and dropped their jaws in amazement. Thinking quickly, one of them lifted his digital camera and snapped a quick tit shot. The flash blinded The Cockmonger for a moment. The duo high-fived and then turned to run away. Regaining her vision and seeing the two men fleeing, The Cockmonger snapped her fingers and appeared in front of the two men in a puff of green smoke.

Startled, the two men immediately stopped. Partly due to the shock that a woman dressed in a green super villian outfit had appeared in front of them and two because she was quiffing green smoke out of her vagina. The men began to yell.

"Who the fuck is that?!", the one called out, averting his eyes from the woman's vag. "And why the fuck is green smoke coming out of her vagina?!"

"I don't know," the other responded, "but why the fuck does it smell like dill pickle chips!?"

"SILENCE!", The Cockmonger cried out, "YOU ARE NOW PRISONERS OF THE COCKMONGER! TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW OF NIERO OR I WILL SUCK YOUR COCKS!"

The pair stood there dumbfounded. They tilted their heads to face each other. The one mouthed "what the fuck" to the other. Having seen into The Cockmonger's house, the other pointed back through the window to a poster of Hello Kitty. Seeing this, the one's mouth formed an O and nodded in understanding. Both turned back to The Cockmonger. She stood there in the power stance, her hands on her hips. The one stared down at her exposed beef curtains as they flapped in the wind, unable to look away. The other spoke.

"So, if we don't tell you about Niero and such," the other began, "you're going to suck our cocks?"

"YES!", The Cockmonger responded.

The other looked confused. The one, still maintaining eye contact with The Cockmonger's vagina, was now tilting his head from side to side. The other looked to his comrade and thought he heard him mutter something along the lines of "it's like it follows you as you move" but couldn't be certain. Smacking the one against the arm ("JESUS CHRIST! Oh fuck, that was you. I thought it had telepathy!"), the other turned back to The Cockmonger.

"That's it? You're not going to bite us while you do it, or stab us in the balls when it's over?"

"NO! I'M JUST GOING TO KEEP SUCKING YOUR COCKS UNTIL I GET THE INFORMATION I REQUIRE!"

The one looked at the other. The other pointed back at the Hello Kitty poster and shrugged his shoulders. The one grinned.

A week later, the pair were sitting at The Cockmonger's kitchen table. Both pantless, the one sat back wearing a top hat and sunglasses, his shirt drenched with sweat. He glanced over at the other. The other had just put a cigarette in his mouth and lit it, his party hat and novelty groucho mask cast asunder. Rising to her feet, The Cockmonger wiped her face clean and turned to face the two. Her lips were starting to chafe and was starting to feel like the US navy, except she was just filled with semen and didn't protect any coastlines. Clearing her throat, she began to rasp hoarsely.

"Now...will you tell me about Niero and the D-Toid Army?"

The one looked at the other. The other was just sitting there grinning, looking up at the ceiling with his cigarette hanging out of his mouth, not a care in the world. The one looked down at himself. He was red with all the mouth action he had gotten in the past week. He was impressed with The Cockmonger though. True to her word, she had sucked their cocks all week, even while she was raiding with her WoW clan. It take skill to keep healing the tank when you've got a double dose of man-sauce in either eye. Looking back to The Cockmonger, he stood up and began to speak.

"Fuck it," he said nonchalantly, "Here's the web address." He scrawled it on a scrap of paper and handed it to her. The Cockmonger snatched it away and began to monologue.

"HAHAHAHAHA," she cackled, "Now that I have this, I will infiltrate the D-Toid community! I will break the rules and throw the whole community into disarray with pictures of my female form and they will be my slaves! I'll post in LEET so that they will understand me and trust me immediately! I'll appeal to them through their stomach with cupcakes, because you know what they say boys, the best way to a man's heart is..."

The one sat back down at the table, The Cockmonger still monologuing. He turned to the other and mentioned that they should probably go. The other lazily butted out his cigarette and agreed. Neither of them wanted to miss the shitstorm of comments this tart's posting would bring and the two of them had just about enough Wii to last them a lifetime. Just as they were getting up and heading for the door, when The Cockmonger stopped them at the doorway, her monologue finished.

"Now for you reward," she cooed, "I want both your cocks in my mouth at the same time."

She lowered herself and started to undo their pants. The one turn to the other and mouthed, "what a stupid bitch". The other, his head dropping back in joy, turned and mouthed back, "I know". The two high fived and saluted the Hello Kitty poster.

With the door closing behind the two, The Cockmonger pulled the last pubic hair out of her teeth and set down to work. As she said she would, she did her best to lure the unsuspecting D-Toid community into her trap.

"Hai evry1! My name's Sh3la! X3 I love playin' WoW and the japanese Hello Kitty games. I also have a Wii and play a lot of it! XP! I LOVE playing Mario 1 on the Vitrual Console, so I'm not just a "WoWer!" I love this site n will totally stay here as long as ur nice! -_^ Can we b fwends??" Her work was done here. She clicked post.

Niero was just getting into his hot tub with a grandma, a mom and daughter, who were all nude and smoking hot. Niero was about to bang three generations with his tri-cock, when his Ownage-senses tingled. Focusing his mana, he sensed out where the disturbance was, and found it. With a snap of his fingers, his eyes flashed and his pubic mane wove itself into a tuxedo. The hot tub startled to bubble, not because of any jets that were installed, but because the three woman in the hot tub came so hard. Raising his arms above his head, he used his awesomeness to summon the BANHAMMER. All the stars in the sky came together in the form of a massive skull. He thought of a wicked techno beat and started to project it from his body, his pecs providing the wicked bass. The skull, nodding to the beat of the music, grinned and opened it's maw, as a huge fireball came flying out. It was the BANHAMMER. As the BANHAMMER came screaming down towards the earth, Niero blew a kiss to the three. Not only did these three come, but anyone who had ever come into physical contact with them came at that moment, it was so hot. Niero then leapt up into the sky, snatched with the BANHAMMER and shot across the sky, as the people he flew over came uncontrollably to his sick techno beat.

The Cockmonger sat back confused and frustrated. Her alias, Sh3la THA G4m3r, was actually getting flamed, not adored! With her brow furrowed, she attempted to post back with cutesy comments, dribbling with leetspeak, in a vain attempt to turn the tide. It would be to no avail. The D-Toid Army had smelled blood and were proceeding to shove verbal tampons in each of her online orifices. Not that the Army had anything against woman. Fuck, they loved the ladies. They knew how to do that one move where you take a woman's legs and let them hang off your arms while you plowed her as you stand, your thrusting power and gravity rocking her babymaker in style. But this bitch wouldn't get that. She was now the target of a cyber circle jerk and there was no escape. The Cockmonger then heard the wicked bass. Awesomeness had arrived. The Cockmonger ran through her front door to meet her foe. She had a plan.

As the bass built, people began to emerge from their homes, wanting to see where the sound was coming from and to escape from the awkward situation of coming in unison with your entire family in the same room. When they realized who it was, the crowds cheered. Niero streaked across the sky and stopped abruptly above The Cockmonger. He swung the BANHAMMER around and pointed it at The Cockmonger. All the woman in the area suddenly were nude and the streets had turned into giant rows of jello. They began wrestling immediately as Niero landed in front of The Cockmonger and flexed, the sight of his biceps causing porn magazines to rain down from above. A chant slowly began as Niero swaggered towards The Cockmonger.

"BAN HER! BAN HER! BAN HER!"

Niero was here for business. He raised the BANHAMMER. The Cockmonger spread her legs.

With a powerful sucking noise, a wind blew in with the force of an F-5 tornado. Shingles were torn off houses, buildings began to lose pieces of brick. The once jubilant crowds were now hanging on to dear life to anything they could get their hands on. Catching Niero by surprise, the wind sucked the BANHAMMER out of his hand, and up into The Cockmongers box.

Silence descended across the Earth, all of the inhabitants sensing something was terribly wrong. Even Niero's pecs stopped pounded the sick bass. No one came.

Niero stood perfectly still. Now he was angry. Spreading his fingers apart, lightening began to surge and arc between his fingertips. The air that surrounded him seemed to grow hazy as if some unseen force was building around him. He slowly raised his hands, the earth beneath him beginning to rumble and crack open. With an deafening roar, Niero slammed his feet into the ground, causing an earthquake that killed every terrorist on the planet. Suddenly, his pubic-mane-tuxedo retracted around his groin, firing a blinding white light into The Cockmonger's eyes. Niero had undone his fly.

"YOU WANT A COCK?!", Niero roared, "THEN YOU GOT ONE!"

Niero whipped out his cock. The rotation of the earth stopped. 1000 monkeys on 1000 typewriters finished writing Shakespeare. Miley Cyrus instantly turned 18. The crowd gasped. Never before had such a sight been beheld. The onlookers instantly became fluent in all the earth languages, just because Niero wanted everyone to be able to tell anyone what was about to play out, the language barrier be damned. Raising his cock into the air, he spun around and smashed the tip of his cock into The Cockmonger's forehead, bashing her into the ground. The force of the blow caused a huge dust cloud to form and everyone was blinded for a few seconds, coughing in the dark.

As the dust settled, people began to emerge from their hiding spots. The all gasped at the sight.

A DESTRUCTIOD robot face was now seared into her forehead. Niero's pubic-man-tuxedo enveloped his form again. Feebily, The Cockmonger spoke

"I just....just wanted to...to suck.....your cock."

Niero walked over and looked down at her.

"Let this be a lesson to you Cockmonger. Rule #1. Don't. Suck."

He then came another BANHAMMER.



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