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Tehmtnlion's blog

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Tehmtnlion avatar 3:39 PM on 01.10.2009  (server time)
A tribute to ZzFFTLzZ: The end of douchebaggery.

Since I've been in this community, I've seen some fail. HARD FAILS. But this guy not only bitched out once, but twice. I'm sorry guy, but don't do that to this community because this could happen...

Dawn. The sun was bright in his room, the curtains left open from a night of watching the girl next door paint her toenails through a pair of binoculars. A night that was well spent, masturbating to mediocre tasks carried out by a semi-clothed woman who had no idea she was being watched from afar by a failure.

That's what gave him his kicks, failing. ZzFFTLzZ was a born failure and he embraced his creed with gusto. His love of fail was one that he could not help but embracing with his mind, body, and soul. Every morning he would wake up and eat nothing but protein bars and energy drinks, while he masturbated to porn on his dial-up modem. The act would take about a half hour, not because he had any length at holding an orgasm but because it took the 40 sec clip that long to download. The crescendo of his hand-fury would be shot on toast and then consumed. Fail.

This morning was no different. He rose from his dirty mattress propped up by milk crates he had stolen from the local food bank and went straight to his IBM with windows 95. He prepped himself as the sound of the booting beast roared to life, an association he built with his morning porn, much like Pavlov's dogs. The OS loaded and he began his ritual, grunting and sweating away, in boxers he hadn't changed for over a week. Fail.

Wiping the toast crumbs away from his face, he leaned back to contemplate the past nights score. While rummaging through a mall garbage dumpster for soiled panties from woman's clothing stores, he spotted a child who had been bought an xbox360 by the Make a Wish foundation. Knowing he would never be able to beat up anyone but a 10 year old with cerebral palsy, he quickly ran up and sucker punched the kid, stole the xbox and tea bagged him, screaming faggot the entire time. Fail.

He turned in his chair and looked at his floor unit TV covered in dirty dishes and mold. He had pushed a pile of dishes off the TV to put the stolen xbox on the empty space. He grinned, exposing his green, unbrushed teeth. He had played gears of war 2 late into the night, pausing between matches to objectify his beautiful neighbor. He cleared his throat. It was still hoarse from the night of screaming faggot into his headset and drinking more energy drinks. He loved it, the experience. He suddenly had an idea. One fuck of a fail was in the works. Fail.

Running back to his computer, he wiggled the mouse, clearing the flying star screen saver. He opened Netscape and typed in a domain address he had over heard in a Gamestop, while hogging one of the xbox console demo stations, playing 8 year olds for their lunch money, screaming in their faces when he beat them barely. He then went to the window again to check on his neighbor while the page took 10 minutes to load. Fail.

After relieving himself by watching his neighbor sort flyers, he walked back to his computer and saw the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. DESTRUCTOID was emblazoned across his 800x600 screen, he scrolled around and looked at the beautiful community that had been formed, their camaraderie made him jealous. He wanted their attention, their praise. Anything to make him compromise for his small penis. He then made his account. Zz zZ would border his moniker, but what would that be? He thought hard. An idea burst into his greasy scalp. Fucking Failure Thru Life. His onscreen name would be ZzFFTLzZ. Fail.

Not even pausing to read the community's reasonable rules, he began to blather on about how gears of war was awesome. That was it. Nothing else, grammar and content be damned. After writing two sentences, he clicked the post button and then sat hunched over his toast-crumb laden keyboard and kept clicking refresh constantly. Fail.

Finally, the comments began to appear. Slow at first, their pace and intensity quickened with each subsequent posting. His jaw dropped, he peed himself slightly and he couldn't understand why these internet people did not love him as much as he loved himself. He had posted, "Possibly the best 3rd person shooter i have ever played and its fucking awsome the story line is awsome the game play is awsome and the online play is awsome i give it a 9/10 because you cant get rankings in online play which i wish you could kinda like halo 3 but i digress if you dont have the game get it is a great investment in your xbox360 collection". He even repeated awesome several times. Fail.

He raised slowly from his chair, his boxers sticking to the upholstery for a moment. He walked over to the window again to check on his only female contact and began to ponder. Why would they not like my post? I was a total douchebag like on Gears 2! What did I do wrong? What kind of community doesn't embrace fuckasses like me for all their worth, holding circle jerks in my honour? Suddenly another idea formed, he was impressed with his own genius. Fail.

He would log on and call them all faggots. EPIC FAIL.

Niero awoke with a start. There was douchebaggery afoot. Grabbing the BANHAMMER, he teleported outside, an act that made all women in a 50 miles radius immediately orgasm in unison. Calling upon the Ownage, He located the offender and shot up into the sky, with the sound of 1000 guitars playing heavy riffs of awesomeness. The sound wave that echoed out, caused those women who had just orgasmed to have their breasts grow an extra two cup sizes. Win.

Back in ZzFFTLzZ's room in his mom's house, ZzFFTLzZ hit the post button and sat back. Immediately, D-toiders everywhere unleashed their fury and told this troll to die in many painful ways. The first blog was met with some mild flaming but also some constructive criticism. With this second atrocity, there would be no quarter. ZzFFTLzZ looked at the posts and began to cry, his tears being the only form of moisture that touched his clothing for years. Suddenly, he heard a sound and the earth began to rumble. Win.

Fail was about to meet an EPIC WIN

ZzFFTLzZ walked outside of his house to see what was happening. Car alarms were going off. Windows were breaking. He noticed his neighbor, falling against her car, hands on her groin with a huge smile on her face. He did a double take. Did her breasts just grow two cup sizes? The sound he had first heard was now loud and distinct. It was a fuckin' bitchin' guitar solo. Instantly, he got an erection. Win?

The clouds that had formed earlier in the day parted, revealing a godsend. Niero flew down and landed in the middle of the street, chunks of concrete flying up from the ground and into the surrounding buildings, some pebbles maintaining orbit around Niero. Lightening flashed and thunder crashed around him, His eyes glowing red with rage. The guitar rift quickened it's pace, and topless women appeared from all directions, swarming around Niero. As Niero flung his arm out and pointed at ZzFFTLzZ, all the trees in the neighborhood burst into flames and all the light bulbs across the Eastern Seaboard burst. The act was met with applause, for it was awesome. Win.

As he spoke, any remaining clothing on the women around Niero was torn asunder by the power of his dulcet tones. Win.


With much majesty, Neiro raised the BANHAMMER. Pipes burst in the houses surrounding him. ZzFFTLzZ had fallen back on his hands and shit himself. Niero arced the BANHAMMER back and swung it forward at ZzFFTLzZ's face. ZzFFTLzZ exploded into smoke and cocks. The crowd that had formed to watch the commotion, all came. The act was caught by a local new team broadcasting live, causing all the nations of the world to declare peace. Win.

Holstering the BANHAMMER on his back, Niero turned to the crowd. Win.

"Anywhere that there is douchebaggery, I will be there to fight it. Anytime a fuckass posts nonsense blogs that waste D-toiders time and bandwidth, I'll be there," Niero said. He then struck a pose that cured the world of cancer and fixed the economy. He continued. "But most importantly, anytime that there is a troll that decides to endure the fury of our community, WE will rise up and set it right. WE will not allow such things to continue, not once we have attempted once to guide them. WE will always be ready and waiting, to fight the shitheels that break our rules and expect no repercussions." Win.

The crowd burst into tears at the beauty of his words. As Niero walked away to fly off into the sky again, he turned his head to look over his shoulder and said,

"Also, Cocks."

The universe came. Win.

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