As we know, the convention is now stripped of the beautiful anarchy and flashing lights of yest-year, so this article is my send off to the E3 that so many of us wanted to see, but will never get a chance to. This one is for you guys.

E3 has always been a mysterious event of delight and intrigue for me. It delights me with the new game announcements and intrigues me as to how I would go about making a fake ID to sneak my way in.

The LA convention center becomes the place of mystery and beauty for a just under a week in the year as the gaming giants show off the best of the best that they have to offer. This child-like curiosity, however, came crashing down when it was declared that E3 would become strictly press only with little to no exceptions and spread out to other buildings as well. In previous years, one could potentially be invited even if they worked at the right gaming stores. In fact, I know a lucky, lucky soul that had just that happen. He later disappeared.


I was going to find a way in one year, it was simply a matter of how. Or who I would have to kill (I keed, I keed...or do I?). Here, I have chronicled five things that I was (and still am) willing to do to, one year, to find myself in the LA convention center at that special time of year.

Train laser dolphins to ride through the sewers and attack "The Man"s that placed the restrictions.

This is, admittedly, the most improbable thing on my list. But the explanation can't be denied: Lazars are awesome, as can be dolphins. Awesome plus awesome can only equal one thing. AMAAAAAZING. Dolphins can swim backwards. Backwards. If they can do that, I am sure they can be trained for lazer fighting. We would just get the blueprints to the convention center and make a hole under the male bathroom stalls. Or somewhere close to Mega 64.

Channel my inner Nicholas Cage and pull a "Face-off". Not John Travolta, that guy is a Scientologist. Apparently the word "Scientologist" is a typo in this blogging software. Heh, I wish.

Modern medicine has come a long way. I know this because I have played a fair amount of Trauma Center. And if Nicholas Cage has taught me anything, it is that I hate the movie series National Treasure. Beyond the point, but I had to get that out of the way. Anyway, I think that having my face surgically changed into that of an industry insider is a plausible way of getting into E3. If I can't do that, I have a mean Steven Seagal impression. I could intimidate my way in!

Dress in a rabbit costume and claim to be Cliffy B...Clifford Bleszinski

I think this one really speaks for itself. Who is going to question a man in a rabbit costume that made a game where you can chainsaw people in half? No one, that's who. Except maybe David Jaffe, that guy's a beast.


Become a bacon-wrapped hot dog vendor

They infest the LA convention center front doors, or so I have heard, and someone has to pick up the noble job of feeding the people. I could give diabetes to some of the most well known developers and press people. Yes! Also, unlimited bacon hot dogs for me. Who needs a paycheck when you get a job perk like that?

Fight Ron Workman...to the death.

Would I lose? Yes. Would I wind up in a dark basement somewhere afterwords? Probably. Would I do it for a chance to go to E3? You bet I would. Though I must say, nearly every photo of Workman I have seen has scared me, so I would hesitate to carry this one out. Though I wouldn't have the Workmang any other way. :D

Would you guys prefer to have the old E3 back, or does E For All fill the gap? Or perhaps the lack of support by companies for E For All in the past (thankfully this seems to be changing somewhat) just accentuates the sting? Let me know in the comments and thanks for reading!

Also, I let on that I was making a wallpaper for Destructoid in the style of my previous wallpaper that was MGS themed a while back. I have been busy, so work has been massively stalled, but I included a sneak peek that can be viewed down below. Enjoy!