Boobs in games have gone spiraling out of control! They have become a 'massive' part of many female characters in video games. Who would possibly think this was a bad thing? Well not me, I 'will' mine every day to grow, doesn't work I know, so I'm going to stock up with the F-Cup cookies when I'm out in Japan, 'I KNOW' they wont work but it makes me feel better, and is cheaper than a boob job. Boobs are as important in gaming as weapons and power-up's are.
Here is my TOP TEN VIDEO GAME BOOBS!
10 - Evil Rose is known for her rough tactics, not that you could tell from that 'I'm going to kill you' gimp costume. You can tell she likes to draw blood frequently from other wrestlers, due to the fact that her outfit used to be a fetching summer yellow.
9- Mia fey is someone I can sympathize with and relate to, shes intelligent, shes a career woman and shes too big up front to get in her tops. Ok so shes also dead, I'm not following her that religiously, but I have wore a small child's top because it had a picture of Mario on it, and thats the closest iv got to channeling into a similar situation as Pearl Feys clothes.
8 - When you wear lycra, your going to expect some noticeable nipplege, but is Taki in a constant cold breeze. Though her Lycra must be reinforced as those bad boys could cut though glass and cut up your face. Apparently she killed her first love when he split his tongue and choked on his own blood. So thats why she always looks so angry.
7 - Your boobs are always talked about Lara, I know how you feel whilst working with 50 guys and your the only girl. "So Fran, is that a new bra your wearing today?" (ay?)
Well at least theres no longer 2 breeze blocks up your top. We are both better off for it now. I had to give it up as i gained a back injury. I was only young, All i wanted was to be just like you...
6 - Probably the most famous tits in Final Fantasy, no I'm not talking about Squall and Tidus (much) but Tifa from Final Fantasy 7 has serious amount of 'something' up her top and yet out of everyone in this list, shes really the only one who doesn't show any cleavage. Maybe she has boob enhancers up there, hence the reason for covering up, or maybe she is just modest. Sometimes this is better, as it leaves an air of mystery about her, unless you type Tifa into Google images and there are 'TOO' many people obviously frustrated by that fact.
5 - Now i know this will sound crazy coming from a girl, but seriously, I'm telling you, boobs just do not do that, Kasumi just has some crazy ability to move each boob independently.
4 - Now personally I think the bat girl is just trash, but Morrigan has a pair extraordinarily well trained boobs. They are barely in that top, but they refuse to come out. To be honest, it wouldn't surprise me if her outfit was just painted on, in fact, thats probably it. Just tape on a few feathery bits... OH DEAR GOD, I hope Morrigan cosplayers don't find out about this...
3 - Tina Armstrongs boobs are just pure muscle, which she uses instead of her arms to perform a successful Clothes line in the ring. It was once told that she even picked up a rival wrestler between her 'boobs of submission' achieved a Chockhold and strangled them, whilst then initiating a Neckbreaker and then into Piledriver, all without getting her hands dirty.
2- The first lady in bouncing boobs, MaI Shiranui's boobs bounce so much, that I have somehow won many a game to my opponents when using Mia due to there hypnotic, alluring bounce power. This leaves grown men with nose bleeds and leaves you a jibbering wreck, as you see bounce after bounce, how sh*t you actually are and you only play the game to see Mai's bad suspension.
And my number one, the lady who makes my 32 E's, look like peas, Ivy's boobs are down right ridiculous. Her latex outfits can barely contain them. There so big that where ever she walks, the earths gravitational pull changes dramatically, thus leading to the tides of the world changing, and is the main reason that Norfolk will eventually be underwater.
I cant play as her for sh*t, but I do try, just so I can aspire to be like her one day, (not the big muscle, manley part of her and flood parts of the UK) but have the ability to look good in latex because that is one skill that is harder to achieve than any type of global destruction...
Though i owned all things Nintendo when i grew up, but I still had a small place in my heart for the blue hedgehog (thats long gone now). I was jealous of Sonics pixel shading, and back then if it was prettier and shinier I just had to have it.
Unfortunately i never got a Master System or a Megadrive or err actually anything Sega, but then that was about it for Sega consoles that were not just over priced peripherals. My best friend at the time did have both of them, and for some reason she had OutRun, the day i played that game is the day my life changed FOREVER! so i basically ended up getting quite addicted to Outrun. (this blog is not biased towards the game OutRun what so ever)
So here is my TOP TEN THINGS I LIKE ABOUT SEGA!
10- Sonic the hedgehog, in 16 bit hes was a pixel god, but will remain at number 10 as Sega has screwed sonic royally up his blue backside.
9- NiGHTS... ON THE SATURN! before you lot say anything!
8- Yu Suzuki, the ex Sega gaming god and creator of such arcade gems, as Virtua Fighter, Virtua Cop, After Burner II, Hang-On and not forgetting the godly beast know by kings and profits alike, OutRun.
7-Club Sega - Japan, probably the greatest place in the world, probably the place I spent most money in whilst in Tokyo, and I plan on doing that again in March. I will stand and watch businessmen playing games, Have a cheeky grape ice lolly, because they are there in vending machines in Club Sega, buy something random and unseen till you get it, because its in a vending machine in Club Sega, I will play OutRun 2006 SP and lose because I'm playing against a Japanese business man but i will win sexy lady figures in UFO catcher machines to do with my other sexy lady figures. (thats all you can win)
6-My Uni days were some of the greatest days of my life, or maybe i should rephrase that to stupidly early mornings. Not promoting mindless vandalism here, but seriously, it feels so good, and Hull needed brightening up anyway.
"Float like a fly like a butterfly" well it was more like "extra oil and MSG"
So lets thank Jet Set Radio for existing so that Hull should look more beautiful, less inbred, and less as if the T-virus has entered the building and trashed the whole city.
5- Sega should really employ me to be there official Space Channel 5 Ulala! I think i could pull it off, if anyone actually knew who i was. "no I'm not from Jet Set Radio!"
4- The sexy exotic locations in OutRun, guaranteed to make a cold raining grey day much more lovely. Where else can you go from palm tree lined beaches, dusty desert trails, icy caverns and starry nights followed by European cities and ancient ruins all in approximately 15 minutes.
3- The Ferrari brand in OutRun, the closest I'll ever get to drive my dream car, the 360 Spider. God bless you Sega.
2- Drifting in OutRun, Picture yourself sat in the OutRun 2006 SP arcade machine in the Trocerdo on good ol Landan taaan, crowds of people behind you watching your mad skills, getting to the last track and beating Richard Jacques, (Sorry rich, i know you will take your revenge and kick my ass when its on on xbox live arcade.)
And at NUMBER ONE! YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE THIS...
But If it wasn't for OutRun, I probably wouldn't like racers as much, leading me into being kick ass at sh*t racers like Kotobuki Grand Prix and Chocobo Racing and games that are actually worth something like MSR, Project Gotham and various forms of Mario Kart. Also telling my ex-employee about my actual obsession with OutRun lead to me developing racing games and I probably wouldn't of been part of the Need for Speed Design team. Yes I know, its nothing to be proud about (believe me I know...)
So thank you Sega, for creating OutRun, so that one day, i will make sh*t realistic racers for a living!
Yeh its been done before, Yeh we all know that AI are generally useless with a weapon, useless in helping you and just down right useless. Getting stuck behind a wall, or just in the way of where you need to go. You think they are there to help you, I mean if one of them dies, you find it in your heart to revive them. Shame they never, ever, feel the same way.
These are my TOP TEN MOST ANNOYING VIDEO GAME AI ANYTHINGS!
10- The Arbiter - Halo 3, Yes thank you for helping me with one player on Halo 3 Arbiter, Thank you for having the worst aim on the ring. Keep it up and thats where I'll be shuving that plasma sword...
9- Whoever you pick in your Final Fantasy 8 party, (well its slightly more annoying with the gay cowboy in your party)
8- Every other player in Mario Kart Wii, now believe me i love this game (preferes Snes version) " but iv had it with these mother f**king blue shells on this mother f**king Rainbow Road of death"
Man, just because I'm in first place... oh now I'm last...
7- MeeMee - Sega Superstars Tennis - not only does she look horrific and as if she has down below parts on her face, And shes a bit TOO good at tennis for my liking.
6- My Fable 2 Husband Ernie
Ok so you call yourself Ernie the Thug, you carry a rusty sword on your back, classy... You look after our daughter so very well while I'm off killing Bandits and Hoobes. I come back with a fortune after saving the earth from destruction and shower you and little villager Michelle with gems and a brand spanking new castle. I give my dog a bone. Then everything changes...
HOW THE HELL DID YOU LET BANDITS KILL YOU! YOUR A THUG! You have your own sword! You should a fought back. I gave you precious gems before you were taken away which i could have instead sold on for a new hair style. Because of you my daughter was taken into care! So, not all bad then really.
Did fatherhood leave you soft, did your AI programming not allow you to take the sword off your back, where you truly happy, I never meant to take you away from Westcliff, if any of these are true i wish you had of told me... (tosser)
Sorry theres no photos of him, BECAUSE HES DEAD!
5- The AI cars in Need For Speed - Undercover. Now this is a touchy area as this game was the last game i worked on as a Games Designer, but seeing as i don't work for that developer anymore i can say what i like. Some modes in this game do not have master criminals driving pimped Gallados and your moded, rimmed and badly painted chaved up Renault Clio, but they are badly eye-sited octogenarian's who for fun or just to relive there youth would prefer to crash there health bar down themselves before i can even touch there pimped backsides.
The Cop cars fly past you and crash into walls for fun too, and they are either really useless at locating you or they instantly find you.
And not mentioning the pictures of the criminals, one of them to me, looks like a greased up vegan wearing a programmers sunglasses. Where on earth do they get losers like that from...
4- Those cheeky buggers in World of Warcraft who always show up with there Arcane Barrage and there Frostfire Bolt. Oh hang on, these are real people arnt they...
3- Navi in Legend of Zelda - "hey, listen!" or not, as the case may be for most of us.
2- The annoying blond bimbo girlfriend in OutRun 2/2006 when she says "i want to go far away"
"YES I WANT YOU TO GO FAR AWAY TOO! YOU STOP THIS GAME BEING PERFECT!! THAT SHOULD BE ME IN THAT CAR (driving it of course), NOT YOU, YOU DUMB COW"
Luckily her annoyance doesn't detract from the sublime gameplay, the beautiful surroundings and the cars(as long as they remain the color red might i add)
AND NUMBER ONE, probable the most annoying AI character of all time!
They may be small, they may be red,, they may have descended from the devil himself and resemble a guy i went to Uni with.
Those little Red Arremers are little red winged s**ts, and they fly out of know where at you and leave you in your pants (if your lucky), as if the game isn't hard enough, they fly at you from every direction, they spawn from areas of the screen you don't expect them too, like right fricking behind me, below me, above me. And even if you are no where near them, the little gimps are so fast and they mock your every movement and personally make my Snes pad best friends with the floor as Arthur lies there as a bag of rather clean and presentable shiny bones. Sorry dude, those little s**ts got me again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again and again and...
Top ten video game shoes!
Yes, probably the most underrated part of any video game, but it is the most important item of everyday use.
Let me take you though my TOP TEN VIDEO GAME FOOTWEAR!
10- A pair of bright yellow shoes that i believe contain a small device inside them that projects an image of a floating torso,arms and legs of the character Rayman. The brains are definitely not in the head so they must reside in the shoes.
9- With 14 pairs of 5 inch platform boots and shoes, Space channel 5's Ulala, manages to walk, talk, dance, dance some more with not even the slightest inkling of a sprained ankle, with this observation, my conclusion is they must incorporate anti gravity technology far too complex for the primitive human brain to comprehend.
8- Allegedly all brown baby Yoshi's are turned into a comfortable yet sturdy pair of practical footwear after they are born, which explains why all other Yoshi's have a fine pair of shiny booty's and you never see a brown Yoshi. Either that or someone on Yoshi island is making a hefty mint.
7- Having gone though and survived multiple tombs, various watery holes, polygon changes, and the angle of darkness, Lara's boots, yes i said boots, have somehow lasted over 10 years meaning that these boots have to probably be the most economical and amazing boots in existence.
6- The realisation that Waluigi is a looser character, went out of the window after seeing these booty-licious beauts. Tanned and possibly leather, these curly bundles of wondrous joy takes me back to my Prince of Persia days when the prince himself once had a pair of these hot hoofs, only to be traded in for straps of cloth and blisters.
5- Without these boots you cant progress further into the game, so when you acquire them, its a big deal, but still, how the hell can Link not jump 'before' having the Pegasus Boots! Has link all these years suffered from Knee cancer, was he capped in the shins when he was younger Link by his estranged father no one ever talks about or was it that he was just born without knees all together, Ok so he wouldn't be able to walk without knees so WE CAN BE SURE HE HAS FULLY FUNCTIONING KNEES!!
4- Feet that are not only feet, but feet that are also weapons of destruction and also a fetching pair of Hobnail boots, Rash from BattleToads can turn his feet into some fabulous, this season, spiky stompers and then into a delightful mace to delightfully mace your opponents into next season, and THEN also pleasant axe so you can pleasantly axe your opponents to a bloody and messy death which would compete with some of this years Primark fashion disasters we see out walking on the streets today.
3- Probably the most famous pair of sneakers in gaming existence, sonics trademark red and white shoes are still rocking our world, shame about the rest of 'everything' sonic... enough said on that subject.
In second place, possibly the luckiest shoes ever, pressing up and down, like making love to a beautiful woman. The guy from OutRun, the lucky lucky privileged guy from OutRun, who gets to put his shoe, (the unseen shoes that actually don't matter right now) on the accelerator and press down firmly on Ferrari after Ferrari after Ferrari.
Though he still must have amazing shoes, the fact he drives these magnificent, mouth watering, beasts of the car world, means his shoes will be expensive, and he will be a 'soul' man and his shallow girlfriends wouldn't be seen dead with a guy in a pair of Hightecs even with a 360 spider involved in this sexy threesome.
...and at number 1, the greatest of all items of footwear and savior of many bitten backsides, No its not the guy from OutRun again, its the AMAZING, OUTSTANDING SUPER MARIO 3 GIANT GREEN WIND-UP KURIBO BOOT!
Its green, it goes perfectly with every outfit, its wind-up without needing to wind it up! How more perfect can a shoe be, you only need the one, its green so instantly means eco-friendly and theres more 'boot' space than Renault Megan.