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SuperDance's blog

9:47 PM on 04.13.2010

Splinter Cell Theater

Introductory posts are for PUSSIES.

I was playing through the Splinter Cell: Conviction demo when I realized that the enemy AI is braindead. So much so that I created a dramatic reenactment of the whole demo, with a few added touches. Enjoy.

Or don't, that's cool too.

(Note: Red text indicates kills by player, blue text indicates Mook talk)

Begin Demo

Scene 1: Bathroom

Sam: Looking for me ASSHOLE? I just have a few little questions.

Victim: Fuck you!

*Sam proceeds to beat the shit out of Victim*


*Sam interrupts with various one-liners and beatings*

End Scene 1

Scene 2: Ominous Looking Place

Sunglasses Man: OH SHIT, SAM'S PISSED.

Other Guy, Boss: Oh well, do your job and kill him.

Sunglasses Man: You have provided flawed reasoning that I cannot argue and therefore I shall remain silent.

End Scene 2

Scene 3: Outside Warehouse


Game: Kill 'em all, Sam!

Sam: CAN DO.

First Mook: I wonder if a guy just slid right behind me...


Mark Mook: Hey, did Bob over there just get the tar beat out of him?

Execute Mook: Oh Mark, you so crazy!

*Bam bam*

Joe Camel Mook: I sure love cigarettes. If I keep this up, my voice will sound like the protagonist from an action game!


Disposable Mook: I'm sick of Joe practicing one-liners, we both know Nolan North gets all the action game roles.


*They're just sleeping*


Sam: Stop following me around with that goddamn projector!

Door Mook: I get the feeling that I'm only here to demonstrate the ability to look under doors and give the player another Mark & Execute move.

*Why does the melee kill involve my pistol*

*Sam climbs up pipe*

Room Mook: Finally, after years of working up the corporate ladder, I can sit in this little back room. Maybe one day I'll finally be able to propose to my beautiful girlfriend Margret, and I won't have to be in this business anymore! Oooh, shiny objects!

Talking Mook: Why is it that we never look up? Sam could be hiding around there.

Conversing Mook: You've always been superstitious.

Talking Mook: Then why is it that I just saw an ammo clip fall from the ceiling?

Conversing Mook: Must've been a rat.

Patrolling Mook: I patrol on a set path because I patrol on a set path.

Bomb Mook: I shouldn't stand directly under this explosive device that's being held up by a small, easily broken, string. OH WELL.

Goomba Mook: Derp.

*Click on this*

*Sam proceeds to slide down several stories on a pipe*


End Scene 3

Scene 4: Basement

Sam: Hey, the HUD has disappeared and I can't access my inventory. You know what that means?

Me: More plot exposition?

Sam: Oh yeah.

Sunglasses Man: *Clichéd, yet effective storytelling.*

Scientist, Who Is Inevitably a Woman: Please don't kill me, I didn't mean to, etc, etc.


Me: Beats disarming an EMP. I guess.

Death Wish Mook: Fisher's predictable, taking him down will be easy.

Slight Intelligence Mook: You want to tell him that when he gets here?

Helen Keller Mook: Oh come on, it's not like he's right below me, ready to kill you both in a two second span, and then melee me.

*Exactly that happens*

Witty Name Mook: Hey, Keller over there just fell over dead!

Witty Name's Pal Mook: He's always been the cheeky jokester of our lively group of friends.

*Did I just shoot through a wall*

Metal Gear Solid Henchmen Mook: HUH? *Looks at corpses of two friends* Must've been the wind.

*The snapping of necks occurs*

Me: I haven't been found, why is there an alarm triggered?


Too Dumb to Live Mook: *Charging down hallway directly towards me* I have not come this far to die n-

*This is on Hard difficulty folks*

Unlucky Mook: I enjoy pie.

Brilliant Mook: Do you think Sam could be right above us, looking for the perfect angle to shoot us all dead?

Less Brilliant Mook: There's a room above us?

*Wham, blam, thank you ma'am*

Sunglasses Man: I believe the best plot of action after you've killed 23 of my guards is to shoot this scientist. But first, I'm going to antagonize you about your dead daughter! You'll never stop me because I wear SUNGLASSES INSIDE. AT NIGHT.

*Loud gunshot despite my silencer*


End Scene 4

End Demo

Disclaimer: Don't get any bad ideas, I had genuine fun playing this.[img]   read

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