Some months ago, I put to paper one of the silliest, most moronic things I have ever written. A Fistful of Consoles: The End of the Console War
was a short piece of writing in which I personally ended the seventh console war by comparing each individual piece of hardware to a flavour of ice-cream; highlighting both the flaws and qualities of the Wii, Xbox 360 and PS3.
Barriers were demolished, friendships were re-kindled, and the balance and calm of society had been restored. One of the greatest and bloodiest wars of our time had been ended by the simple words of a lowly blogger. But now, with the re-emergence of three once-great global super-powers, a new war is brewing, and in an attempt to douse the flames of conflict before they are re-kindled for good, I must once again take to my keyboard to save the videogame industry.
You may be thinking: “The ice cream analogy is old news. No way is comparing the snobbery of PS3-era Sony to a lemon sorbet going to save us this time.” And right you are. I’m not one to rest on my laurels, so without further filler for extra paragraphs: the eight generation consoles are exactly like pro-wrestlers.
The Xbox One is John “Bradshaw” Layfield
Now before you say: “Hey, wait! I like JBL!” there’s something important we must consider. Nobody likes JBL; we all just love to hate him. JBL is the epitome of what a “heel” should be: simple, obnoxious and always looking out for himself above others. With a corporate-boner the size of Texas itself, JBL is more concerned with the needs of the finely-suited-fat-cats than those of the common man.
Despite the occasional face-turn, JBL is still routed in everyone’s minds as the stereotypical slimy, money-grabbing, arrogant sell out of the business. With a huge fetish for money and a reputation for backstage nastiness, JBL would rather step on his competition and his fans in the most brazen, unceremonious way than act like a decent human being. You could probably even put a dollar sign in his name too (J$L), and you should definitely all do that and it would be really funny and satirical.
The PS4 is The Rock
Despite many a heel turn in which he acted snooty, arrogant and self-important, The Rock still retains his identity as “The People’s Champion”; a man who stands up for the rights of the common man in the face of adversity. The Rock doesn’t care about pleasing the fat cats, he just wants to make sure the audience is having a great time… and if he makes a few hundred million dollars in the process then that’s just fine!
Although for a while he can seem somewhat absent, he always returns with a bang, and to glorious fanfare from the crowd (as well as jealous, worried glares from the competition). You could even go as far to say that some wrestlers have tried to ape The Rock’s polici-um… wrestling style, in an attempt to gain some of his fans for themselves. When all’s said and done, The Rock isn’t always looking out for us, but his heart is in the right place and he’s pretty damn cool.
He may not be perfect, but by God when you smell what The Rock is cooking, you can’t help but feel electrified (PlayStation 4 electrocution problems not yet confirmed).
The Wii U is Eugene
Hey remember Eugene? No? Really?
I guess it’s because he hasn’t really done anything worthy of mainstream recognition in a while, but poor old (Wii) Eugene seems to have been forgotten by most people. He’s silly, playful and hard to take too seriously, but it’s quite possible people just don’t really get him for the most part. In a lot of ways, the overbearing gimmick that got him noticed in the first place may eventually be his downfall. A lot of the time he just seems to stumble about the place; clueless yet charming.
Despite all this though, everybody still likes Eugene, and he still has a decent amount of supporters and fans who are dedicated enough to cheer loudly for him. He may not be the first thing on everybody’s minds, but he’s certainly not out of the game yet.
The OUYA is Sin Cara
Who the fuck is Sin Cara?
So there you have it; I have once again used irrefutable facts and evidence to save the games industry from tearing itself open from within. However, if my words fail to reach enough people, know this: the eight console war will begin, and it will not stop consuming our lives until we are all lifeless, broken husks wearing Nintendo/movie franchise mash-up t-shirts we bought from Redbubble.
The console war is not a source of levity, and I am definitely not making fun of it in the slightest
. Just like pro wrestling, console wars are real, and console wars hurt.
War. War never changes.