Hey there Destructoid, it's been a while since I've written anything because I've been sick (and busy with "important" work), but I thought I'd try something different today. Here is different:
Let me tell you the tale of a man most ordinary,
The contents of which, is decidedly varied,
He may have a dark past, a family divided,
We just announced the game though, so we haven’t decided.
We’ll start with his name; our man is called “Blank”,
(The publisher wanted it, we thought it was wank),
White, American, dashing and handsome,
I know what you’re thinking; “just like Ted Danson”.
His story is one of tragedy and woe,
But none of that mushy stuff, that had to go,
Who said emotion isn’t about explosions and guns,
Or the lingering close-ups on Blank’s camouflaged buns?
Most of the story will be exposition,
A dark past revealed (it’s just a tradition!)
But still you’ll be in for heroics and glory,
Although the game is just a shitty origin story.
It wouldn’t be a story without a female character too,
(Although it’s not as though the box art will be big enough for two)
She might even be playable, if that’s the way you play,
Just so long as she doesn’t kiss Blank; that would just be gay.
Silly me, I forgot to give our pair of breasts a name!
It’s as if you really wanted her in our macho, manly game,
“Cherry LeBoobs” will be her name, for simplicity’s sake,
(Her in game role is to pout her lips, and give her arse a shake).
Between you and me though, I’m starting to get scared,
In playtests with women, poorly, our game fared,
These women wanted a more “well rounded girl”,
So we made her breasts rounder, and re-named her Pearl.
Still the game’s biggest draw is definitely Blank,
Especially when he wisecracks a bit, before blowing up a tank,
His story might seem barebones; perhaps a wee bit vague,
We were really bad with dialogue (we avoid it like the plague).
With audience appeal this broad, we’re bound to sell well.
(Lest our publisher eats our genitals, down in gaming hell)
The Blank Slate: Origins, Game of the Year!
With an intensive DLC plan, never you fear.
A game for guys, a game for bros!
We haven’t seen enough of those!
This game’s so full of in your face machismo,
The girls will probably hate it but we think you’ll be pleased though.