I love this post's title. Don't dis on it, its a god damn work of art.

It's painfully obvious that the FPS Genre has become "Too Fun." Such a simple recipe is dominating the PC, and soon the console, markets. I propose we encourage developers to "Ease up" on quality control, if you catch my drift. I've already sent a few letters, filled with "Helpful Suggestions" to various studio's that develop FPS titles. Here are copies I made of each letter for your convenience:



"Dear Id Software,

I'd like to congratulate you on your recent success with Quake II. Rave reviews from every publication imaginable. It pains me to tell you, however, that many of the reviewers I spoke to expressed concern that shooting wave after wave of demons and zombies with numerous, and creative, weapons would eventually become a drag. In fact, they said it had already become tiresome, but they left that out of their reviews out of pity. I asked what could be done, and they suggested you be rid of the formula once and for all. They wished to see more generic frag-fests taking place online, where enjoyment hinges on the other players present NOT being total slack-jawed cunts.

Also, they said that if you absolutely MUST continue to make these archaic "Single-Player" experiences, that you make them really really dark, and with less enemies and weapons. Recent studies show that gamers now enjoy the sensation of not being able to see anything taking place in the game. It builds suspense, I guess.

I suggest you get a move on, Id, unless you wish to be responsible for the next great video game crash!"

"Dear 3D Realms,

Heard you were working on a new "Duke Nukem" game for home computers. I'd suggest you put the project on hold till future notice. My contacts within the Japanese Mafia inform me that SNK is developing a new system that will replace the PC for nearly a decade, due to its incredible computing power, PS1 and N64 compatibility, and BUILT IN DIVX PLAYER!!!

While developing for the PC would be suicide, development for consoles has never been more lucrative! I suggest rushing as many Duke Nukem titles for the PS1 and N64 as possible. To hell with quality, all that will matter is quantity in this soon to be revolutionized industry."

"Dear Ion Storm,

I greatly anticipate the title "Daikatana" due out later this year. I am concerned, despite my anticipation, that Mr. Romero may have lost his way. I'm worried that the man behind Doom and Quake may have forgotten what makes a truly good game. It's content. Lots of it. John should pack this game full of monsters, weapons, and levels. Even if it increases development costs, and slows the production of the game to a near halt. Money won't be a problem for Ion Storm once this title hits shelves, and no major technological advancements will happen between now and Daikatana's release. If anything, Daikatana WILL BE the next big step forward in Video Games. It will revolutionize how games are made, and how they are played. Just take your time.

If you could please relay that message to Mr. Romero, I'd be much appreciative. Also, make sure he knows that he SINGLE HANDEDLY created Doom and Quake, he has a right to an ego!"



As you can see, I've dealt with them quite effectively. My word is law to those fools, there are no doubts that they won't follow the advice I have given them.

Everything is coming together quite nicely....



Mr. President.

XOXO
Shiggy, Head of the LaLuLeLiLo