The San Andreas Board of Commerce, Tourism, and Sanctioned Crime has been alarmed at the recent influx of tourists and the proportionate number of tourists turned away at the border checkpoint (reports indicate that when politely asked, visitors did not have the appropriate papers). In an effort to boost tourism numbers through sheer numbers rather than relaxing border checkpoint procedure, the San Andreas BCTSC has commissioned local entrepreneurs to compile a brochure to entice interest abroad in such hubs of culture such as Vice City, Liberty City, and Milwaukee.
Welcome to San Andreas! It's a hell of a state!
Once you enter San Andreas, you'll be treated to our specially designed, focus tested welcoming party. One of San Andreas' best and brightest who could be hired with one week's notice will arrive to help you get acclimated to San Andreas the only way our highly paid panelists know how: a rudimentary race!
At some point though, you'll be free to exercise complete freedom in the state of San Andreas once our tour guide's shift ends and he's no longer required to interact with you. Unless of course he simply doesn't feel like doing the race with you. He can be a dick like that but nobody else would do it for the pay we had to offer.
One of the first things you'll have to do is acquire a car. You'll find that the citizens of San Andreas are more than willing to offer you their car after you give them such encouraging words such as, "Get out!" or "It's mine now!"
After that, one of SA's finest businessmen in the fast paced world of auto sales , Simeon Yetarian, will use his generous heart to give you free auto insurance and a free GPS tracker. We can all unilaterally agree that the state of San Andreas must be good if we give free introductory auto insurance!
One of the greatest reasons for San Andreas' supposed prominence
(of which we are legally obliged to tell you that the legal use of such a word to describe this state is still undergoing examination in the superior court) is the embracing of the right to bear arms and use them with extreme impunity. Yes, fans of classic crime movies with their car chases and shootouts can live out their favorite scenes right on the street whether other people want to or not! As retainers of free choice, we encourage you to always speak your mind with your gun if another person so much as looks at you weird or exists strangely within a one mile area around you. How dare that person stand kind of close to you! You know who else acts entitled like that? Hipsters.
And suppose if someone gets a similar idea about you! Why they just want to experience Righteous Slaughter 7 with you! While you're commuting someplace. Even though that game clearly doesn't have vehicular combat in it. That's Warground 5 of course! Pre-order now by the way to receive a free hot gun skin for your shotgun! Anyways, the ensuing car chase is sure to be exciting as testimonials from survivors would account for.
As you spend more time in San Andreas, we're sure you'll come into contact with our colorful, multi-cultural, mono-gendered assortment of investors, civic leaders, and business people. Gerald is a purveyor in the exciting world of illicit substances and will often times offer aspiring investors a cash reward for their trouble in the world of substance abuse and acquisition. Lester is an eccentric computer whiz who will sometimes let you see the colorful side of San Andreas' through the use of explosives and chaos.
Then again, perhaps you, the willful tourist of San Andreas, want to explore the landscape in a more solitary manner? Throughout the cities you'll find locations where people simply flash mob together for a good old fashioned deathmatch. Or maybe you'll find a street race in the Los Santos' river (river being used subjectively). Why, once you're deemed level 15 through some arbitrary method of measurement, you can even participate in one of San Andreas' most beloved past times: horde survival! And there's more like competitive auto theft, bounty hunting, and of course America's past time of cat and mouse with jet and motorbike.
Or somehow you're also an eccentric though not at the same level as Lester. Perhaps you'd love to make your own fun in our beautiful state? Why rob a store you can steal a helicopter? Or maybe you could rob a convenience store with a helicopter? Don't worry as the state insures all businesses against theft with money better left unexplained to its origin. Find one of our rarer motor vehicles like a dirt bike and climb Mount Chiliad with it? You can steal an expensive luxury SUV and sell it for an obscene profit. Or parachute into lovely, perimeter guarded Fort Zancudo and borrow one of their jets with some elbow grease and can-do attitude! Be sure to show off its amazing weapons systems to other like minded tourists! Killing them is ok with our amazing health care. Destroying their personal vehicles however, is a big no-no. Think about how they would feel when their property is destroyed. Try not to think about how they'd feel if you blew them up though. That would be a real bummer.
Did you know visitors can also own property too? We didn't either! Our team of attorneys are still researching how this is possible but in the meantime, buy! Buy! Buy! Eventually through penny pinching and smart use of such tactics like not-dying, you too can own a tiny studio apartment with a two car garage located next to the power plant. There, you'll be able to expand your collection of vehicles which were most likely acquired through legal means with some help from your local mechanic. Drive in a car and your mechanic will attach a tracker for free and viola! It's now yours so try not to think too hard about it. Be the envy of your peers as you drive a classy ATV through the mean streets of Los Santos. Try not to be too enviable of course, or else an up and coming entrepreneur may make for a hostile take over of your goods. Of course, it's insured so don't worry. We mentioned insurance was cheap right? But you won't have to worry about it too much if you install a remote bomb on your car. After all, only the most happening trend setters put bombs on their cars in case they're stolen. You know what they say! If I can't have it, no one can!
We hope this handy brochure of sorts has encouraged you to visiting our lively state of San Andreas. If you were on the edge of deciding, maybe this will have pushed you over it to see what we're all about!
We are also legally obliged to tell you not to actually jump off any edges you may be contemplating on jumping over. Have fun in San Andreas and see you online!