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I got my first NES when I was 5 years old and that was the start of a glorious relationship. I have played everything from Bad Dudes and Zanac on NES to Darksiders and Arkham Asylum. I have never been too into online gaming but I did play WoW for 2 months and got to level 50 before it lost its appeal. I'm a firm believer that I could titty fuck the butt cheeks off of any game out there though. I beat shinobi which is one of the worst games ever and I beat Ninja Gaiden Black on Ninja Master Mode which is one of the best games ever. My favorite style of games are probably 3rd person action titles such as Devil May Cry/Ninja Gaiden/God of War but I also love a good RPG like Final Fantasy 12 and Chrono Trigger with FF7 being my favorite game of all time.

Right now I'm waiting on...

Dante's Inferno
God of War 3
Final Fantasy 13.

Top Ten Games off the top of my head

1) Final Fantasy 7

2) Chrono Trigger

3) Devil May Cry

4) Final Fantasy 9

5) Final Fantasy 12

6) Ninja Gaiden (Xbox)

7) Super Metroid

8) God of War

9) Resident Evil 4

10) Castlevania : Symphony of the Night

That's no particular order and I'm sure that if I thought about it I would change a lot of them because there are so many ass beating bad mother fucking games out there. My favorite series of all time is Castlevania too by the way.

72 muffuckas

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Okay, first off let me say, this game is good and can definitely be enjoyed. It looks amazing and the paradigm system is a great way to battle. This game also tests players skill more than any other game in the series...and that's a good thing. Without a doubt, this game was well worth the money I paid for it.

However, I can't help but feel like Square-Enix is shitting on my childhood. That being said, I have a few gripes that I would like to get off my chest.

First off, Weapons: Why does it feel like such a mundane task to level up my weapons at save points? I think the weapon system in this game took a hit personally. There have been a lot of complaints about the game not having towns for people to buy their weapon upgrades and armors ect. I don't chastise about the fact that I have no town, but instead at the weapon leveling system employed by this me it just seems boring and uninspired. But that's just me and perhaps not yourself.

Chracters: Good God man, I cannot stand this batch. Sazh and Snow are not bad. Sazh seems fairly level headed and he isn't too annoying. Snow can be a bit annoying and act somewhat like a frat boy but he doesn't make me curse at my screen when he speaks.

Hope: This kid is a motherfucking pussy. He annoys the shit out of me with his constant whining. Plus, my girlfriends little sisters name is Hope. Of all the annoying characters though, he is actually the least bothersome for me.

Lightning: Her name is lightning...WTF? These people create the paradigm system and they are responsible for the world we play in and the best they can come up with is Lightning?? Come the fuck on man. Also, she plays the role of the tough-guy bitch who always gets on my nerves. If they made an FF13 movie, she would be played by Michelle Rodriguez for sure.

Vanille: Good lord man, this gitty bitch makes me want to vomit. The bubbly personality she exhibits is nauseating and when she reveals he l'cie brand...don't even get me started. Video games and porn should be like church and state...separate. All it does is make me feel like some creepy fucker who lives with his parents and jacks off the hentai or someshit...lame.

Fang: Her name seriously is Fang, I'm not making this up. Her accent is also equally as annoying as Vanilles and she has a fucking Rip Stick for a weapon. Lets also not forget that she plays a secondary tough-guy bitch role alongside Lightning.

Summons: I really want square-enix to just ditch these because bottom line, SUMMONS ARE NOT SUPPOSE TO BE FUCKING TRANSFORMERS!! Since when did Shiva become 2 separate hookers with wheels for asses who combine to become a motorcycle for someone to ride?? This shit just looks dumb. As soon as I got Sazh's Eidolon, I made a firm decision that I wouldn't summon him because I refuse to fight along side a fucking oversized RC go-cart.

I'm old school...I admit it. Bahamut is a dragon, not a space ship. Swords are one piece blades, not folding swizz army knives that go for 3 inches to 4 feet long in two folds. And for fuck sake, good characters are named Sabin, Cecil, Garland, Magus, Keffka, Chrono and Sephiroth.

As much as I am enjoying playing this game, I can't help but ask myself periodically, "are these seriously the same guys who brought us games like FF3, FF7, Chrono Trigger, ActRaiser 1 and 2 and Secret of Mana??"

All things stated are truly my opinions alone though and perhaps you feel otherwise. Please don't be too upset if you think that 2 ice queens transforming into a motorcycle is shit rockingly awesome. I just think that shit is lame and so weak compared to some of the shit these guys have created in the past.

Photo Photo

I hear all this talk about motion controls and how awesome they are gonna be and how Natal will be so cool. Okay, to this I say, EAT MY SHIT.

If the Wii has taught us anything, it's that motion controls don't translate well for hardcore games. Sure, on a few cases the final product is good (Metroid Prime games, RE4, Tatsunoko vs. Capcom) but for the most part, its a bad combination (Red Steel, Lair, Manhunt 2).

That being said, it is my personal opinion that I hope every single motion control idea flops like the flaccid dick of an 80 year old man. The Wii is not for's more for partiers who wanna play shit like boomblox or mario party 26. I'm not saying those game are not amusing to some degree but what I am saying, is that they definitely did not revolutionize gaming.

Seriously, SIXXAXIS was one of the big selling points of the PS3. Now as an owner of said gaming system, I gotta tell you, I paid $600 for my PS3 at launch and after actually trying to use the motion control functionality, I may have paid $700 for them to take SIXXAXIS out.

If what I say offends you, I'm sorry, If you don't agree I'm sorry, but these are words of wisdom friends.

Normally I am totally against video games becoming movies but in the case of Mass Effect, I need this. I'm intrigued by the story in this "game" but I use the term game loosely. I went ahead and picked up the first Mass Effect because the previews for the second installment have sparked my interest. However, I need to know, when do I actually get to start playing the game instead of watching it??

I am all for a good long RPG game that will occupy my time...that's why I liked Final Fantasy 12 so much. With Mass Effect however, I feel like I have been doing a lot of aimless wondering looking for my next objective and when I do indeed reach that objective, I have to spend the next 15 minutes watching really stiff animated humans spit their dialogue. I personally think the aliens look much better than the humans but that's just me perhaps.

So, basically what I want here is a Mass Effect movie so I can actually enjoy the story without actually having to play the story because so far, I'm just bored as shit playing this game. If I can't get a Mass Effect movie, perhaps someone could enlighten me about what is to come in the game and let me know if the action picks up at all. Or, would someone like to play the game for me while I watch like some creepy ass video game voyeur?

Please, help me out fellow gamers

Before I get going here, allow me to say, I agree with Chester that this game is good deserves a 9/10. If you just accept it as a good 3rd person action game and just play it, it's pretty damn fun.

You have probably heard about a lot of nudity in this game though and if so, you have heard right. This game has titties galore. So much to the point where it's somewhat ridiculous. That being said though, this game also went another erection...I mean, direction that I have not seen yet. Aside from the tit shots and ass shots of the ladies, EA also treated us to a few cock shots as well.

I'm not gay (nor do I have a problem with anyone who is...trying to be politically correct here) but I could not help but notice that the entire time I was fighting Lucifer, he had a good yard or so of half man/half goat diabolical demon dick staring at me. I tried my best to ignore it but every time he came running at me there it was swinging to the left and swinging to the right. You even get a good glimpse of Dante's heavenly sword and caboose which I was sort of surprised wasn't hairy considering how furry his fucking arms were.

In any case, if you ladies are into big black Goat Man dicks or Caucasian Crusader cocks, this game is well worth a play through. I'm just glad a game is finally here with enough sexuality for both the ladies and fellas.

Keep on gaming in the free world

I got to sit down the other day with a friend of mine and reminiscence about some of the old games we use to play that we thought were so awesome and in a moment of pure nostalgia we popped in Battletoads. Now don't get me wrong, I love this game and I still think it has it's moments but then you know what happened...the motherfucking turbo tunnel.

I hear people talk about games being hard today and kids complaining about shit like Ninja Gaiden on xbox or Devil May Cry 3...cry me a fucking river. Play Battletoads on a fucking NES with no saves and only 3 continues and then you can talk to me about difficulty. I have beaten Ninja Gaiden on xbox with ease but try the same game on the NES and make sure you have a few extra controllers b/c some of them things are getting shattered. I successfully beat Death on the first Castlevania. I made it through Ninja Gaiden on NES...but nothing could prepare someone for the turbo tunnel.

The above is not my own, just someone who shared the frustration with us all. The turbo tunnel is ridiculous and it made me fucking furious. Much like the gentlemen in the video, I have to ask, what were the creators of that game thinking with that?? You take a game and put 2 levels in that have some good times and laughs involved but then the turbo tunnel. I just don't get it. It was like total bait and switch. I compare it to making out with a supermodel in a dark room and then flipping the lights on and you find out that it's a 75 year old man instead of a super model...and you're related to him.

Nothing is fun or amusing about the obstacle sections in this game. Not the turbo bikes, not the snake maze...nothing. Anyone who says otherwise probably enjoys getting the shit punch out of their balls or having their nipples cut off and fired up their asses with a potato gun.

Here is what another person said about the difficulty involved with BT: Battlemaniacs for the SNES
"Not only do your characters look pretty, they die well, and often. This is another thing that Rare ported directly from the NES version of this game: it is incredibly, often suicidally difficult to get through the first stage. Then it becomes even more incredibly, suicidally diffiulct to get through each successive stage, until finally you are crushed into a withered little speck of pitiful humanity. After that, the game drops your dimly-burning wisp of a soul into a vat of boiling perchloric acid and you are utterly consumed in the… okay, well, you get the idea. And the idea is that this game is really, really way the fuck too hard."

here is the link for this particular review in its entirety...

If you want a good Battletoads adventure minus all the torment and headache involved with this one, I recommend Battletoads and Double Dragons. It provides the same comedic entertainment and fun beat em' up gameplay minus the soul ripping frustration involved with this addition. Steve out

So this Tuesday marks the release of Dante's Inferno and with that release I once again will get the pleasure of kicking the shit out of another fantastic game. I have been waiting for this one for some time now and to satiate my hunger for this title I went ahead and started on the comic books which i must recommend because they house some incredible artwork. I also read the divine comedy...if you try to read that one, stay away from the fucked up crap translations like the one I had. I found it rather hard to follow due to the odd translation.

Being a big 3rd person action fan, this title really pumps my nads and you should have a fair share of nad pumping as well. What does it for me is the fact that one month after this one, I get the pleasure of indulging in even more mass mayhem and visceral destruction with God of War 3. Then it's all FF13. Needless to say, I will soon be in virtual heaven.

For now though, I'm gonna go play Megaman 2...keep a place in your hearts for the classics.