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9:11 PM on 03.13.2010

My thoughts on Final Fantasy 13



Okay, first off let me say, this game is good and can definitely be enjoyed. It looks amazing and the paradigm system is a great way to battle. This game also tests players skill more than any other game in the series...and that's a good thing. Without a doubt, this game was well worth the money I paid for it.

However, I can't help but feel like Square-Enix is shitting on my childhood. That being said, I have a few gripes that I would like to get off my chest.

First off, Weapons: Why does it feel like such a mundane task to level up my weapons at save points? I think the weapon system in this game took a hit personally. There have been a lot of complaints about the game not having towns for people to buy their weapon upgrades and armors ect. I don't chastise about the fact that I have no town, but instead at the weapon leveling system employed by this game...to me it just seems boring and uninspired. But that's just me and perhaps not yourself.

Chracters: Good God man, I cannot stand this batch. Sazh and Snow are not bad. Sazh seems fairly level headed and he isn't too annoying. Snow can be a bit annoying and act somewhat like a frat boy but he doesn't make me curse at my screen when he speaks.

Hope: This kid is a motherfucking pussy. He annoys the shit out of me with his constant whining. Plus, my girlfriends little sisters name is Hope. Of all the annoying characters though, he is actually the least bothersome for me.

Lightning: Her name is lightning...WTF? These people create the paradigm system and they are responsible for the world we play in and the best they can come up with is Lightning?? Come the fuck on man. Also, she plays the role of the tough-guy bitch who always gets on my nerves. If they made an FF13 movie, she would be played by Michelle Rodriguez for sure.

Vanille: Good lord man, this gitty bitch makes me want to vomit. The bubbly personality she exhibits is nauseating and when she reveals he l'cie brand...don't even get me started. Video games and porn should be like church and state...separate. All it does is make me feel like some creepy fucker who lives with his parents and jacks off the hentai or someshit...lame.

Fang: Her name seriously is Fang, I'm not making this up. Her accent is also equally as annoying as Vanilles and she has a fucking Rip Stick for a weapon. Lets also not forget that she plays a secondary tough-guy bitch role alongside Lightning.



Summons: I really want square-enix to just ditch these because bottom line, SUMMONS ARE NOT SUPPOSE TO BE FUCKING TRANSFORMERS!! Since when did Shiva become 2 separate hookers with wheels for asses who combine to become a motorcycle for someone to ride?? This shit just looks dumb. As soon as I got Sazh's Eidolon, I made a firm decision that I wouldn't summon him because I refuse to fight along side a fucking oversized RC go-cart.

I'm old school...I admit it. Bahamut is a dragon, not a space ship. Swords are one piece blades, not folding swizz army knives that go for 3 inches to 4 feet long in two folds. And for fuck sake, good characters are named Sabin, Cecil, Garland, Magus, Keffka, Chrono and Sephiroth.

As much as I am enjoying playing this game, I can't help but ask myself periodically, "are these seriously the same guys who brought us games like FF3, FF7, Chrono Trigger, ActRaiser 1 and 2 and Secret of Mana??"

All things stated are truly my opinions alone though and perhaps you feel otherwise. Please don't be too upset if you think that 2 ice queens transforming into a motorcycle is shit rockingly awesome. I just think that shit is lame and so weak compared to some of the shit these guys have created in the past.

Thoughts?   read


8:24 PM on 02.22.2010

Natal, SIXXAXIS...motion controls in general really



I hear all this talk about motion controls and how awesome they are gonna be and how Natal will be so cool. Okay, to this I say, EAT MY SHIT.


If the Wii has taught us anything, it's that motion controls don't translate well for hardcore games. Sure, on a few cases the final product is good (Metroid Prime games, RE4, Tatsunoko vs. Capcom) but for the most part, its a bad combination (Red Steel, Lair, Manhunt 2).

That being said, it is my personal opinion that I hope every single motion control idea flops like the flaccid dick of an 80 year old man. The Wii is not for gamers...it's more for partiers who wanna play shit like boomblox or mario party 26. I'm not saying those game are not amusing to some degree but what I am saying, is that they definitely did not revolutionize gaming.

Seriously, SIXXAXIS was one of the big selling points of the PS3. Now as an owner of said gaming system, I gotta tell you, I paid $600 for my PS3 at launch and after actually trying to use the motion control functionality, I may have paid $700 for them to take SIXXAXIS out.

If what I say offends you, I'm sorry, If you don't agree I'm sorry, but these are words of wisdom friends.   read


11:48 AM on 02.13.2010

Please bring Mass Effect to the big screen



Normally I am totally against video games becoming movies but in the case of Mass Effect, I need this. I'm intrigued by the story in this "game" but I use the term game loosely. I went ahead and picked up the first Mass Effect because the previews for the second installment have sparked my interest. However, I need to know, when do I actually get to start playing the game instead of watching it??

I am all for a good long RPG game that will occupy my time...that's why I liked Final Fantasy 12 so much. With Mass Effect however, I feel like I have been doing a lot of aimless wondering looking for my next objective and when I do indeed reach that objective, I have to spend the next 15 minutes watching really stiff animated humans spit their dialogue. I personally think the aliens look much better than the humans but that's just me perhaps.

So, basically what I want here is a Mass Effect movie so I can actually enjoy the story without actually having to play the story because so far, I'm just bored as shit playing this game. If I can't get a Mass Effect movie, perhaps someone could enlighten me about what is to come in the game and let me know if the action picks up at all. Or, would someone like to play the game for me while I watch like some creepy ass video game voyeur?

Please, help me out fellow gamers   read


9:52 AM on 02.12.2010

Dante's Inferno and Cock Shots



Before I get going here, allow me to say, I agree with Chester that this game is good deserves a 9/10. If you just accept it as a good 3rd person action game and just play it, it's pretty damn fun.

You have probably heard about a lot of nudity in this game though and if so, you have heard right. This game has titties galore. So much to the point where it's somewhat ridiculous. That being said though, this game also went another erection...I mean, direction that I have not seen yet. Aside from the tit shots and ass shots of the ladies, EA also treated us to a few cock shots as well.

I'm not gay (nor do I have a problem with anyone who is...trying to be politically correct here) but I could not help but notice that the entire time I was fighting Lucifer, he had a good yard or so of half man/half goat diabolical demon dick staring at me. I tried my best to ignore it but every time he came running at me there it was swinging to the left and swinging to the right. You even get a good glimpse of Dante's heavenly sword and caboose which I was sort of surprised wasn't hairy considering how furry his fucking arms were.

In any case, if you ladies are into big black Goat Man dicks or Caucasian Crusader cocks, this game is well worth a play through. I'm just glad a game is finally here with enough sexuality for both the ladies and fellas.

Keep on gaming in the free world   read


12:14 PM on 02.01.2010

A Trip Down Memory Lane...with Battletoads



I got to sit down the other day with a friend of mine and reminiscence about some of the old games we use to play that we thought were so awesome and in a moment of pure nostalgia we popped in Battletoads. Now don't get me wrong, I love this game and I still think it has it's moments but then you know what happened...the motherfucking turbo tunnel.

I hear people talk about games being hard today and kids complaining about shit like Ninja Gaiden on xbox or Devil May Cry 3...cry me a fucking river. Play Battletoads on a fucking NES with no saves and only 3 continues and then you can talk to me about difficulty. I have beaten Ninja Gaiden on xbox with ease but try the same game on the NES and make sure you have a few extra controllers b/c some of them things are getting shattered. I successfully beat Death on the first Castlevania. I made it through Ninja Gaiden on NES...but nothing could prepare someone for the turbo tunnel.

[embed]162244:27068[/embed]

The above is not my own, just someone who shared the frustration with us all. The turbo tunnel is ridiculous and it made me fucking furious. Much like the gentlemen in the video, I have to ask, what were the creators of that game thinking with that?? You take a game and put 2 levels in that have some good times and laughs involved but then the turbo tunnel. I just don't get it. It was like total bait and switch. I compare it to making out with a supermodel in a dark room and then flipping the lights on and you find out that it's a 75 year old man instead of a super model...and you're related to him.

Nothing is fun or amusing about the obstacle sections in this game. Not the turbo bikes, not the snake maze...nothing. Anyone who says otherwise probably enjoys getting the shit punch out of their balls or having their nipples cut off and fired up their asses with a potato gun.

Here is what another person said about the difficulty involved with BT: Battlemaniacs for the SNES
"Not only do your characters look pretty, they die well, and often. This is another thing that Rare ported directly from the NES version of this game: it is incredibly, often suicidally difficult to get through the first stage. Then it becomes even more incredibly, suicidally diffiulct to get through each successive stage, until finally you are crushed into a withered little speck of pitiful humanity. After that, the game drops your dimly-burning wisp of a soul into a vat of boiling perchloric acid and you are utterly consumed in the… okay, well, you get the idea. And the idea is that this game is really, really way the fuck too hard."

here is the link for this particular review in its entirety...
http://gamefreaks.wordpress.com/2006/10/18/battletoads-in-battlemaniacs-review/

If you want a good Battletoads adventure minus all the torment and headache involved with this one, I recommend Battletoads and Double Dragons. It provides the same comedic entertainment and fun beat em' up gameplay minus the soul ripping frustration involved with this addition. Steve out   read


11:54 PM on 01.28.2010

Tuesday, a new beginning...



So this Tuesday marks the release of Dante's Inferno and with that release I once again will get the pleasure of kicking the shit out of another fantastic game. I have been waiting for this one for some time now and to satiate my hunger for this title I went ahead and started on the comic books which i must recommend because they house some incredible artwork. I also read the divine comedy...if you try to read that one, stay away from the fucked up crap translations like the one I had. I found it rather hard to follow due to the odd translation.

Being a big 3rd person action fan, this title really pumps my nads and you should have a fair share of nad pumping as well. What does it for me is the fact that one month after this one, I get the pleasure of indulging in even more mass mayhem and visceral destruction with God of War 3. Then it's all FF13. Needless to say, I will soon be in virtual heaven.

For now though, I'm gonna go play Megaman 2...keep a place in your hearts for the classics.   read


9:52 PM on 01.26.2010

my drug of choice



As we all know, there is a lot of controversy surrounding video games...thats nothing new to us gamers. The shitty thing is, with dip fucks stabbing their father's in the neck over shit like fifa '09, it just makes the uphill battle that much steeper of an incline. Being a gamer, I myself have always thought of games as therapeutic and an excellent source of venting.

When i was just a little boy, I got my first Nintendo and a beautiful relationship was forged. Throughout the years, I have watched friends grow up and get arrested for everything from smoking weed to drunk driving. Me...well, never been much of a smoker or a drinker. I spent my money on games instead of booze.

The point I'm trying to make is that people who don't play games need to get an expert opinion before they spout out all of their scientific bullshit based on zero hands on experience and nothing more than bandwagon approaches and scapegoating. Parents, please shut up and watch your kids instead of saying GTA V made your kid a psycho. It might be the fact that you're a shitty parent and need to have your nuts cut off. Try sitting down and playing the games with your kids and point out to them that it's a fantasy world and not reality...fuckers.

In any case, games have saved me a lot of money and jail time. They have probably even saved my life based on how some of my old friends ended up. So for that reason, I want to thank the gaming industry for dealing your drug to me. I remain a loyal customer. SANDO'S   read


12:16 AM on 01.25.2010

video games are for smart people



Quite an interesting article I stumbled across here. I have always attributed video games for a lot of the things that I have learned and discovered over the years and now I finally have some proof. This article describes how the the size of certain areas in the brain help determine a persons cognitive abilities. This is all based on the size of those certain areas of the brain. In any case, I found the article fairly interesting and considering how much I love me some video games, I would say it's worth a minute of your time. Check out the link below to see said article. Thoughts??

http://cosmiclog.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2010/01/20/2179437.aspx   read


8:20 PM on 01.22.2010

Gamestop employees



Before I kick this whole thing off, allow me to say that I enjoy having conversations with some of the employees at gamestop and that I don't consider them all to be completely ignorant dip fucks. However, today I stopped in to pick up a copy of Fable 2 and while I'm in their, I overhear the manager say she rented Darksiders and thought it was terrible. Well, I myself enjoyed the game so I was curious to see why she didn't care for it. Her response; "it's too much like God of War and Zelda"

OK...so she didn't like it because it was too much like 2 of the best games ever?? My immediate reaction was one of sarcasm as I thought to myself, "yeah, fuck those 2 kick ass games." Then I tried to listen to her break it down for me but I felt between my legs and realized I have a cock so I really didn't need to listen anymore.

I'm all for people having their opinions and normally I wouldn't call anyone out about theirs but this one had to be checked. I mean, this was like me watching porn and saying, "man, this porno has way too many naked ladies!"

I'm gonna play Fable 2 now...fuckin' Chuck Norris   read


10:21 PM on 01.20.2010

Lords of Shadow

This new Castlevania is creating a truck stop in my pants because I have a semi after watching the trailer again. I think this game is going to be T. U. F. F. Tough. With a voice cast of Pat Stewart, Natascha McElhone, Robert Carlyle and Jason Issacs, I'm pretty sure the voice work for this will be top notch as has usually been the case with most Castlevania games with the exception of Symphony of the Night. However, the voice work in SOTN was so bad it was actually good. I still quote that shit on a daily basis.

"WHAT IS A MAN, A MISERABLE LITTLE PILE OF SECRETS?!"
[embed]161131:26743[/embed]

The opening of the trailer gives me goosebumps everytime. It just grabs me whenever Captain Jean-Luc Picard says, "These are dark times..."

[embed]161131:26742[/embed]

In any case, I think Mercurysteam has something going here. Kojima working on one of not only Konami's greatest games, but one of video games greatest games as a whole...well lets just say, this one really pumps my nads.

"BUT ENOUGH TALK, HAVE AT YOU!!"
http://www.konami.jp/kojima_pro/e3_2009/castlevania/   read


1:09 PM on 01.20.2010

First Post

Okay, Im gonna spruce things up shortly, but for now, I just beat Army of 2: 40th Day...what a drag. That game was not a bad game to play through with a friend but I seriously had no clue what was going on other than the fact that shit was blowing up and I was running through it. 2 endings which both sucked an equally large portion of cock had me pretty bummed. The first game was a lot better. Rent this one...buying shit like this is for suckers like me.   read


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