Howdy hey team, Starmac here for the second time, geared and ready to bring you my holiest and most righteous of thoughts and musings. Only I'm not. Instead of that boring shit I'm going to lazy my way through this second post, by telling you all about a stroke of brilliance I had while trying to fall asleep one evening! YAAAAY.
This fabled stroke of genius I mentioned one sentence ago was an idea for a game. Only it didn't start off as a game idea, at least not as a video game
idea. It began life as an idea for a Dungeons and Dragons campaign. Now before you hit the back button, or close the window or do something else you might regret, I just wanna say: it's totally the best idea ever. Don't let its humble beginning fool you, you would be doing yourself a disservice by not waiting things out to see what it is!
So anyways, I'm not an avid DND player at all really. My cousin on the other hand, who is a much higher form of nerd than I, plays it all the time. And since he's one of the few people I know who I can really talk games with, I see him pretty often. During these frequent visits, I've dabbled in playing DND a few times, and eventually I was deemed good enough for some of the other players to want me to be the DUNGEON MASTER. But first I had to come up with a decent campaign idea. I also had to learn most of the rules, but as you will soon see, I don't.
So fast foreward two weeks into the future, which is now 6 months in the past. It's another sleepless night, during which I often let my mind wander about. Eventually it landed on an idea, an idea that blossomed into a flower of creative might. I spent the next couple hours brainstorming and cultivating this idea - hastily scribbling all the essentials onto a nearby paper scrap. Knowing I had birthed a masterpiece, I was able to sleep soundly.
The following morning I fleshed out all the finer points and prepared it for play. That next Friday was my masterwork's debut, finally they would all see! Only they didn't. Instead the players failed to recognize my genius, or according to them "tried to stick to the rules and have actual player input." So with my life's work destroyed and verbally eviscerated, it could to nothing but fade into the obscurity of my document folder.
HOWEVER, IT WILL NOW BE BORN ANEW.
What you all are about to see is my baby. It's marvelousity may go over some of your heads, but I will forgive you for your ignorance - you wont be the first to fail to see its magnificence. And though this isn't copyrighted, I believe in the honor system - I KNOW NONE OF YOU WOULD TAKE CREDIT FOR MY BRILIANCE, THAT WOULD BE SO UNCOOL
((Okay, brief disclaimer here: This is by no means a serious post, nor do I think what you are about to read is in any way good. I wrote most of it as a joke to amuse myself, and as a sly criticism/parody of some of campaigns I had played with the DND group. All their stories took themselves so seriously, so I wrote one that didn't in the slightest. Also, since I had little knowledge of anything DND related, I based most of the gameplay stuff off of the tropes one would find in a video game (ultimate items, random encounters, 8 maguffins etc.) - hence why I'm posting it here. Well, that, and I figure someone may get a cheap laugh or two out of it. Its silliness and goofiness are off the charts and as you'll probably immediately notice, I was inordinately fond of ALLCAPS that day. I pray that you take it for what it is: DUMB.
Oh and one more thing, there are numerous references to real games sprinkled about [mostly to Earthbound], SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT THEM ALL. ))
Some asshole (Moccasin) from an OUTSIDE DIMENSION has come to MODERN DAY EARTH and started his own company (Eggplant Inc.) with all his pals/minions/asskissers. After using his OTHERWORLDY MAGIC AND GOLD AND SHIT to build an absurdly large skyscraper to be their place of business, they start making MIND CONTROL AND REALITY WARPING TECHNOLOGY, which cause anyone who uses it to become slaves to the company and buy whatever weird shit they make. Eventually almost the entire city (Shigesato City) and soon THE ENTIRE WORLD (well, almost), have bought their products and are now slaves to their EVERY WHIM. Things look very bleak, with dark, darkity dark, very suckish times descending across the land.
BUT ONE DAY, an angel like figure (Go-Go), also from this OUTSIDE DIMENSION, comes to MODERN DAY EARTH in pursuit of this nefarious asshole. It would seem that this asshole was not only an asshole on EARTH, but also a well known asshole in his home dimension. So THE CELESTIAL POLICE sent this angel to track down his slippery ass and throw him into ANGEL-LIKE PRISON. So the angel cop woman tracked him down and cornered this asshole but he escaped by slipping into a wormhole or some shit. Long story short, it took her awhile to find out where he ended up, and by the time she did he had already taken over MODERN DAY EARTH.
The angel girl tries to confront this asshole sheís been hunting, but heís cooped himself up in his magic evil skyscraper on the top floor. She tries to in through the front doors, and, after making to the lobby realizes that he has torn out the buttons in the elevator and hidden them somewhere, making the elevators COMPLETELY USELESS!!!!!! Not willing to give up hope, she tries the stairs, BUT THEY ARE OUT OF ORDER. Plus he locked all the windows WITH SPACE MAGIC so she cant get in through them either.
Shit has gotten serious.
The angel, intrepid and sexy, decides to hunt down these hidden elevator buttons with her special HEAVENLY TRACKING MAGIC, but is unfortunately blocked at every opportunity by the brainwashed masses.
Realizing that this asshole and his pals have gotten way too powerful to take down on her own (plus sheĎs lazy as shit), she decides to recruit (insert number of players here) humans who have managed to resist becoming brainwashed (teenagers with attitude were all brainwashed). She bestows upon each of them a MAGIC HEAVEN SPACE POWER, and equips them all with compasses that can track down the elusive elevator buttons.
Can this band of heroes work together to save their home world from this evil asshole? Or will they betray each other and get into stupid petty arguments? YOU DECIDE!!!!!!
LET THE ADVENTURE BEGIN!!!!!!!
Body manipulation: Ability to twist and bend oneís body into any shape!
Flip powers: You can flip anything equal to or less than your own size!
Growth powers: You can make things grow!
Object animation: Bestow inanimate objects the ability to move and control them!
Slippification: Ability to make anything really slippery!
Combination: Combine things together, whatever they may be!
Color Transmogrification: Change the color of anything you desire!
Fire starter: Light things on fire! (note, fire only lasts for as long as one can hold their breath, then the fire disappears along with any of its effects)
Forgetification: Make people forget things, even works on yourself! (only lasts for 10 minutes)
Activist = Druid
Street Performer = Bard
Minister = Paladin
Construction Worker = Barbarian
Bouncer = Monk
Doctor = Cleric (very creative)
Police Officer = Ranger
Psychic = Sorcerer
Librarian = Wizard
Athlete = Fighter
Con Artist = Rogue
LEVELS: ??????????? SO SECRET, DONíT EVEN ASK.
EXTRA GOODIES (Like extra levels available, random street enemies, upgrade possibilities etc.)
Places to find useful things (like health regeneration stuff, temporary buffs, neat jewels, stat buffs)
Hospital: Contains the Surgeons, a special class of Doctors who have the ability to buff your stats, for an unreasonable price. Must be unlocked by destroying the robots who have enslaved the doctors, specifically their main CPU, (creative name to come later).
Mimiga Bay: Home to a Kingdom of MERMAIDS. Can only be reached after saving the mermaid princess, who is locked in some place, I dunno. Reward for returning the princess is a summon spell. It summons flying dolphins, which is terrifying.
Sewers: Labyrinthine sewers which stretch all across the underside of the city. Come to giant alligators, giant goldfish, giant sewage, giant bugs, and other giant things. Thereís also a civilization of cat people down there, becauseÖÖ.itís cool.
Bus Drivers: May look like old frail fatties, but are in reality very formidable foes. Have extensive knowledge of the Jewish martial arts. Kick butt guys. Must be destroyed to gain control of bus.
Cab Drivers: Another enemy that is not to be trifled with, they are skilled samurai with the strength and insanity of 3 Travis Bickles. Often are seen trying to run people off the roads, crazy buggers. Must destroy to gain control of taxi.
Magical Indians: A wandering gang of hoodlums, known for dressing up like Native Americans and totally not being Native American at all. Use comical Indian-based weaponry to cause pain to citizens.
Protestors: Chaotic entities that will wreck anyoneís shit that comes into their path. Razor sharp picket signs, smelly vegan cooking, and pyrokinetic abilities make them frightening adversaries.
Shigesato Police Department: Some of the most powerful enemies ever, man, they have tons of firepower, high stats, overwhelming numbers, super fast rides, and totally awesome shades. Plus they totally busted me for public urination. Fuckiní pigs.
Uri H. Blaine: Wandering street psychic. Uses his extra-normal godlike abilities to make quick cash to buy other quick things. Supremely powerful. Random encounters while traveling on the street. Must role natural 20 spot check or something to encounter him. Drops Psychicís ultimate item.[/color]
Ultimate item quests ~
Baseball Diamond: Fight through waves of possessed baseball team, the Shigesato Rabbits, to attain the ultimate Athlete item: THE MR. BASEBALL BAT- AND ITíS ONLY FIFTEEN DOLLARS???
Club Sawyer: Defeat the bouncers and overcome alcohol poisoning to attain the ultimate Street Performer item: THE WICKERWOOD 12,000- AN ALLMIGHTY GUITAR OF AWESOME MUSICAL MIGHT.
Frogal Zoo: THOSE ANIMALS ARE UP TO SOME BAD SHIT, ARE YOU A BAD ENOUGH DUDE TO TAKE ON A LEGION OF LIONS, TIGERS, AND ONE LARGE BEAR? If so, you are granted the ultimate Activist item: THE FUR COAT OF 1,000 DEAD ANIMALS - YOU DID WHAT YOU HAD TO DO TO SET THOSE ANIMALS FREE. THIS IS A NICE COAT.
Shigesato Police Force: Defeat the powerful city police force in combat to attain the Officerís most powerful ability: BACKUP - CALL YOUR COPPER BUDDIES TO PERFORM A SEXY MAMBO TANGO FOXTROT TACTICAL STRIKE AGAINST YOUR ENEMIES.
Museum of Old Stuff: Mummies, wax dummies, and dinosaur bones stand in your way to ultimate weapondom , destroy them to attain the librarianís ultimate item: THE SCROLLS OF TUTANRAMSES- SCROLLS SAID TO CONTAIN SILLY EGYPTIAN MAGIC. ITíS PROBABLY PRETTY COOL.
Uri H. Blaine: See above for description of greatness. Drops the ultimate item of the Psychic upon defeat: THE GIANT MOON SCOOPING LADEL- ONCE AN ORDINARY SPOON, THIS LADEL SOON GAINED IMMEANSE PSYCHIC POWER FROM BEING PSYCHICALLY BENT TOO MANY TIMES.
Cults: Defeat drops Minsterís ultimate item: THE GOD FISTER
Pharmacy: Unlocks Doctorís ultimate item.
Sugar Baby Casino: Win a series of grueling, and thrilling gambles against the owner of the casino to win the Con Artistís ultimate item: DR. THORPíS PHANTOM DECK- A HAUNTED DECK OF GIANT GHOST CARDS, WIN ANY BET WITH THEM IN YOUR POCKET. THEY ALSO MAKE FOR A NICE SHIELD.
LEVELS: WHICH WERE SUPPOSED TO BE SECRET
Level 1: Laundromat
Gatekeeper: The clerk who runs the steam cleaning, must defeat him and his Indian magic!
Elevator button is hidden inside a dryer, which leads into a mythical world of forgotten laundry, dirt and lint. Very cave like, wandering tribes of sentient laundry and rogue washing materials have taken over he land. Jungle-esque.
Obstacles: Ocean of bleach, jungle of bed ware, lint storms, underwear graveyard, doom temples made of laundry baskets, other jungle things
Enemies: Sock monsters, dust bunnies, lint balls, tribe of detergent gone bad, giant moths, OTHER GIANT BUGS, zombie underwear.
BOSS: Grandmaís Knit Sweater Monster: a giant mutated home knit sweater with a chip on its shoulder due to never being worn. Controls a legion of other bad/distasteful sweaters. Can stretch its limbs and unravel itself to make more limbs. Also can release a foul odor. Upon defeat it explodes into a cloud of old people smell.
Weakness: Love, shrinking, bleach, fashionable clothes.
Level 2: Mall
A hive of consumerism, where sweaty fatties come to eat greasy mall food, and anorexic fashionistas come to buy the newest styles. Other people are around too I guess. Fight your way through the materialistic masses to the missing elevator button
Obstacles: Really, just the sheer amount of people and products are going to slow you down
Enemies: Shoppers, mannequins, salesmen, mall cops, gross people, perfume, killer kitchen utensils, forklifts, stuffed animals
BOSS: League of Department Store Santas.
Level 3: Downtown Slums
The seedy underground of this huuuuge metropolis. These decadent downtown streets are filled to the brim with the worst the city has to offer. Wandering bands of children thieves, shady drug dealers
Level 4: Bullseye Park
Level 5: Pizzeria
Level 6: Subway Underground
Level 7: Farmington - Hostile Alien Takeover
Level 8: Coolsland
LEVEL 9, FINAL LEVEL: Eggplant Inc. Headquarters
SO THERE YOU HAVE IT. Best thing ever, amirite? Unfortuneately, I never did finish all those descriptions. My environment proved itself to be creatively stiffling and most tragically, completely devoid of vision.
OH THE WOES OF AN AUTEUR GAME DESIGNER.
Somehow, we still manage to find the time to smile. And grow silly mustaches.