hot  /  reviews  /  videos  /  cblogs  /  qposts


Squirrelygod's blog

3:33 AM on 02.21.2010

My Expertise: Luck

Weíve all had the close calls and the ďHOW DID I LIVE THROUGH THAT!Ē moments, but for a few of us it gets to the point where when we have a lucky streak going we become godly. Be it flailing on a analog stick and getting ridiculous dodges or someone dcíing before being able to finish you of, these moments of luck can be surprisingly important. While anyone can argue and state that they are just skilled and donít need luck, or are luckier, I donít care. THATíS RIGHT! I DONíT CARE ABOUT YOUR SILLY ARGUMENT! IíM WRITING THIS THING AND NOT YOU! DEAL WITH IT! Iím writing this to explain why Iím a lucky bastidge and you shouldnít tempt the fates.

Luck comes in many forms, such as a sliver of life, or a few extra milliseconds on a timer, perhaps a accidentally perfectly timed cool down. While we all wish we could transpose what luck we have to different situations, like megabucks, god I want to win that, that would be so epic Iíd poop a lilÖ..TRAIN OF THOUGHT TOOT TOOT! We should just be happy that we get any luck at all, and are not that sad sack who we see looking out the window at his own team, you know that sad sack that gets throwing knifed to the back of the skull. As shown by the sad sack, some of us have better luck than others, or maybe better sound systems, I donít know, I donít know what you spend your money on, stop looking at me like that, Iím not a prostitute.
Now all this might seem nonsensical to you, and youíre right, I havenít said why itís my expertise. Well IíM GETTING TO IT! SUCK IT UP! THIS ISNíT QUICKHITS BRAD! IíM NOT AFRAID OF YOU! Ok that last one was a lie, he could crush my skull with his pinky, Iíd have to run like a little girl in a pretty pretty sundress to get away from such a death.

Oh yeah, my luck. Well lets reminisce, all the way back to when I was a WoWtard, yeah, that was a terrible time of my life that Iím quite ashamed of. Why did you have to open old wounds like that? Well since weíre already here we might as well bring up one decent moment. Was heroic Nexus, with a priest who respecíed to holy because a healer was hard to find. I was a cute lil undead rogue, with my spine all nice and shined up, wasnít the best DPS around but I could drop feasts so I was a credit to the team!

So adorable.
Server maintenance wasnít far off, we got to the last boss with 10 or so minutes to go before it all went down when the unthinkable would happen, we wiped on the final dragon boss thingy. Well I say wiped but really I ran away and vanished when everyone dropped like flies. They ran back and we tried again, with the clock counting down. This time we were making good progress, till a heal didnít make it in time and the tank died. We were sure we were doomed for there were minutes or less left before we could finally gtfo of the game. At 2 minutes left I was the last man standing, but the boss had little health left and I was determined to at least try. I hit evasion and BEAT THE HELL OUT OF THE THING with a minute left. We were all shocked and I was an instant badass to 4 other nerds, they all rezíed and I hearthed cause hey, I was a winrar, and then we all left cause well we had to, the server was shutting down.

Ok letís get me to a happy place, the time I beat a Korean in Starcraft. Thatís right, another Blizzard story, and youíll read it and like it! I donít know if he was taking pity on me, or thought I was so bad that I couldnít defend from a Zerg rush as Protoss but he was wrong either way. His pitiful zerglings come running into my base, only to meet up with 4 Zelots with someone who could micromanage them correctly in the commander seat. They would try this same tactic repeatedly, with every unit one could think of attacking with, only to run into me fighting back with the same vigor. Thatís not to say there werenít a few close calls, the mutalisks almost had my dragoons, but in the end those cripples in robots roughed it out. He gave me enough time to have a double layer ring of photon cannons around my base, the ultimate turtle. I sent my units out, like sacrificial lambs, just so I could get my unit count down to support my ever growing Carrier/Scout fleet until finally it was time. I rolled over his base with incredible ease. I may have just been facing the worst Korean in all of Starcraft, I may have been underestimated, I may have been younger and more into RTS games, but either way I got lucky.
My base pretty much looked like this for most of the time.

Should we get into something more up-to-date? MW2 nukes? Nah that game is too broken. Surviving with 1HP in TF2? Too easy to pull off. Accidental puzzle completion? Happens all the time. Getting all 37 questions right and being 4th out of 80000+ people on a video game section of 1 vs. 100 XBL? Nah, I could just be an huge nerd and people wonít believe it cause I havenít received the screenshots from the friend I was playing with. How about a story about when my luck turned and I actually had to rely on what I could actually do. Yeah that sounds good, canít have too much good luck without showing the downside.

Was a versus match of Left 4 Dead, No Mercy to be exact. Everything was going well, till about the third chapter, when 2 members of my usual team revealed to be under the influence of some things. Iím not telling you what, I donít approve of such things in all honesty, but who am I to judge what others do. We scrape by, holding a marginal lead due to the two who arenít thinking clearly being carried by me and our other member. We get to the finale, and we had to be the survivors first, we donít make it to the chopper and our win, which is meaningless due to no leader boards or anything is slipping from our ghrasp. If even one of the opposing team were to make it in the chopper we would taste defeat, which tastes a lot like spoiled seafood. In any normal situation however, we would be in the clear, as we were always better as the infected, this wasnít normal though. We get our first tank, itís given to one of the messed up members, he canít do anything with it, game hands it off to the other messed up one and they kill it in record time.

We get to our second tank, gives it to a messed up one again, the director hates us, but he didnít count on the smoker hunter combo of me and the sober one. I pull one off a ledge and the hunter pins the person who comes to rescue them, while the other two survivors worry about witling down the useless tank. By the time the two know whatís going on we got two kills under our belts and my tongue is recharged. They get the tank and the chopper shows up, while running to it me and the other sober one manage to hit separate targets even though they were practically spooning their way up the helipad ramp and squeak out a win. Even when luck turns on me, it seems to always leave me an opening to squeeze through, and a bottle of lube on the nightstand.

Thatís not to say I havenít ever been spawn camped, or had a huntsman arrow fly past on my screen then end up killed by it anyway. Cheap deaths and aholes can get the best of the luckiest of us. I may not be the luckiest person ever, hell you might have better gaming luck than me. The important thing to remember here is I WON 100 LEGION BUCKS AND YOU DIDNíT! THATíS RIGHT, DTOID GAVE ME MONEY AND NOT YOU! BOW DOWN TO MY LUCK! EAT IT! ..... Well unless you are one of the other 2 people who got the money, then you know, stuff, and things. Well I shall leave you with my luckiest MvC2 character, Should probably not want me to use him at all really.

7:28 AM on 02.01.2010



How often do the comments of a dtoid writers articles boil down to one of those four? Can I get a chart of those compared to constructive posts or even valid opinions that donít include bashing/blowing the author? Is it impossible to discuss a topic without bounding into the great land of retardation? Do we really have to let what someone writes, someone who we donít even know, hit us so hard that we have to work off our rageboner all over it? Can this paragraph get another question mark in it? Oh look it can, win and a half right there.

Lets use one of the dtoid writers as a example here, which one, which one.

Well not Brad, he can punch my spleen out in one hit. And not Anthony, rageboners over indy games rarely happen and I like HAWP(OH SHI~ AN OPINION! IíM A BASTARD!) What about Sarkar? Nah I canít rage about sports games if I donít care, so thatís right out. Ashley Davis perhaps? Psh, even Anthony loves her and heís a cynical bastard. Jim maybe? Heís fat and seems to piss off people. Yeah that will work, besides Iím running out of podtoid/lulzyvideo people and I donít pay attention to who writes stuff to know more names.

So Jim, Jimmy Jimmy Jimbo. Faps to Bayonetta and isnít afraid of anything. Did I get the terrible meme right? Come on people, I wanna be sure Iím correct on my fail internet stuffs. So why does Jim make people have rage-ons? How he writes? What he writes? Is it because heís a big fat fattie who you have nicknamed Fattie McButterchubs? Or is it because he has a wife and that makes you sad about life? Oh wait, is it because he found a way to get paid for this shit and youíre mad that you donít get jack? I know that last one would get my broke assÖÖnot like it does thoughÖÖat allÖÖeverÖÖYOU CANíT PROVE A DAMN THING! OBJECTION! ÖÖSorry, lost my train of thoughtÖ.toot toot.

Oh god, after that I think I need to towel off in the downstairs areas, good thing Iím not wearing pants while doing this or else Iíd need to do some laundry.

Ok ok, back on topic. Are we internet dwellers that protective about stuff that in the end doesnít really matter than we have to cry out in either ecstasy or dismay about it? Sure I love my videogames but surely we can all just see that if weíre not getting paid for it then itís just a hobby? Or are we gonna pull a Korea and die because we were too hopped up on serum and gaming to eat or go use the toilet instead of dropping it where we are like some animal. Oh, we gonna kill our parents cause they took it away or our children for needing attention while weíre farming gold. GOTTA BEAT THOSE 13 YEAR OLD KIDS WHO ARE PRACTICALLY SLAVES WHO FARM GOLD! GOTTA BEAT THEM! GOTTA CATCH EM ALL!....damnit there I go again.

It might just be us internet generation. I canít imagine our parents getting hut hut in the butt hurt about such trivial things, then again I canít imagine anything that isnít boob related anymore. Iím sure they had more important things to worry about, like where to get booze and if the whole rabbit killing pregnancy test thing they did in the day was accurate. You know, back when people actually had to get out of the house to occupy their time, unless they were hot boxing their room with some Led Zep playing of course.

Now Iím sure that no one will get the point of this, if there even is a point. Iím sure that twitter wonít be aflame with talk of ďHOLY CRAP! THIS CBLOG ON DTOID IS WIN/FAIL.Ē Not like I will even checkÖ..(@squirrelygod and is never EVER updated so why am I plugging it? Um shit um #Yankees Yeah that will save it!) No one will link this on facebook and no one will like it(honestly, canít check that, no facebook) This will not ever make it on Digg and Kevin Rose wonít give me any little bit of the ad revenue cash, even though I remember him being dtip on the screensavers and got my gmail invite from his ass, back when I was hardcore and fighting for the code on dial-up. I might have to fear Brads fist though, everyone should fear that, all the time. Hell, Iíll be shocked if this gets a fap!

Can at least hope someone laughed at it though, makes the insanity worth it. Also being insane makes whining about people who are whining not seem like a huge contradiction, cause I can believe what I want, now if you excuse me Iím going to go bound through this fanciful forest, KILLING EVERYTHING IN SIGHT!

Also I know tl;dr, stop making fun of me!

P.S. this image will either be unrelated or make sense, I'm not sure yet


Back to Top

We follow moms on   Facebook  and   Twitter
  Light Theme      Dark Theme
Pssst. Konami Code + Enter!
You may remix stuff our site under creative commons w/@
- Destructoid means family. Living the dream, since 2006 -