On the count of ford!

FORD!



FASTER boy! We ain't never gonna reach the bank at this rate!

*spit* Pa, the mud's gone into my shoes. It is very uncomfortable and it smells much like that time we had burritos.

Goddamn I love burritos. Anyways, we're almost there. Full speed ahead!



Honey, did you eat burritos again?

Naw Mary dear, 's just the mud.

I could swear it smelled just like...

IT WAS THE MUD OK.

...fine.





Oh! Y'see that in the distance, kids?

Y'mean that massive rock that looks like an African with a migrane?

fugahsphloosh

That's right, my little angel! It's Fort Kearney, the first stop in our AUUUUUGHGGSKHDGSKJGAJSGGHDKJGJ


Ma? MA! What's wrong, ma?



She done been bitten! 'Ey, you! Get back here! I'll punch your goddamn face in! Snake! SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!

It's no use, pa! He's gone!

That bastard ran towards the fort! FULL SPEED AHEAD DIGIT! We're gonna AVENGE MARY JANE if it's the LAST THING I DO!

--------------------------------------------------------------

~End of Part 1~

Alright, let's plow through this thing already.

I really think we should take the ferry.

I really think we should SLAP YOU ACROSS THE GODDAMN FACE WOMAN. We gonna FORD this thing like MEN. Oh by the way, if anyone asks about your bruises, you fell off the wagon. C'mon, Digit, hurry up and go back with the oxen.

Y-yes, pa.



*spit* Damn, why is this river so salty?

Not as salty as a WHIPPIN', boy.



Good thing I had my way, eh? Safe and goddamn sound.

*choke, sputter*

wooowoooooooooo
---------------------------------------


*BUMP*

OW! What the...

PA! The axle on the front wheels have been done in by a big rock!

Do not worry, son! I will PUNCH IT until it is fixed!

Hooray!

-----------------------------------------



Hah! Them rivers don't scare me one bit! Once more, PLOW THROUGH!

Pa, just 'cause that worked last time doesn't mean...

I said PLOW THROUGH



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Reader Input Time:

This time our choices are slightly more limited. Do we continue to gung-ho the rivers or do we play with our caulks?

August 1, 1848

Welp, turns out it's August.

What? You IDIOT! I told you to keep track of time! I told you we had to leave around April! Now we're going to wind up in a blizzard, or worse!

Woah, woah, hold on a second. Was I SERIOUSLY the only one in the family who was supposed to know what day it was?

We don't have time to YAK YAK YAK! Let's get the wagon going. Digit, you go join the oxen as usual.

Yes, ma.

Aright, let's get out of here pronto. Some guy in a pink suit's been eying me all day.





Oh, wait a tic...



Can't live without me steak. Alright, let's go already.

-------------------------------

3 days later...



Ma, pa, there's a gat dang river in the way.

Just plow through the damn thing. We have 20 fucking oxen after all.

Don't be an idiot, Dessie. Let's just take that ferry over there.

Screw that, I ain't payin five bucks to drag the wagon onto some rickety piece of plywood.

Kershpooooooo

Pops, I think she's saying that we should caulk the wagon. Y'know, make it into a boat and stuff?

That is the most retarded goddamn idea I have ever heard. Y'know what, Digit? Go into that river and drown yourself until the stupid drains out.

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Reader Input Time:

We've reached the first river. Should we plow through like an idiot, caulk the wagon like a bigger idiot, or take the ferry like a wussy?

Aright, knowing Pops, this is probably what he'd want me to get.





Oh dang, how'd I forget that?



Pop's gonna want plenty of oxen to tear in half!

------------------------------------
20 minutes later...


Alright son, you got the bullets?

Like heckfire I did, pops!

That's what I like to hear, boy.

Got some oxen for ya to tear in half, too.

There are brief periods of time where I don't regret having you, son.

Ah, shucks, pops.

drip drooolll

Dessie, Herpios is fussing a storm. If we don' leave now I'm afraid he'll bite my nips off again.

Welp, I'm pretty sure we've got what we need...

What month is it by the way? It'll be pretty gosh darn important to keep track.

Eh...ah...fuck. I kinda forget. I'll just wander around aimlessly and ask random passersby.



---------------------------------------------------------------------
Reader Input Time:

What month should we start travellin' the ole trail?

Say hello to the Troidovski family:




Our fearless wagon leader:
Destre Troidovski


A blacksmith from Missouri, Destre is a formidable man who has literally torn a bull in half with his bare hands. An entire. Fucking. Bull. Eventually he settled down with his wife to figuratively tear her in half instead. When he isn't bench-pressing exactly 792.34 anvils, he spends his free time writing a novel on his pectorals and growing an epic beard.

His wife:
Mary Jane Troidovski


A sly and controlling woman, Mary Jane more often than not is the one holding the family together. She resents Destre's business in the smithy as he always tracks ash onto her nice clean floor, but she tolerates it because she knows her limitations as a woman in this day and age. While she usually means well, she can sometimes be a real biatch.

Their son:
Digit Troidovski


Digit is the first son of Destre and Mary Jane, and their inexperience shows. He has four thumbs, hence the name. He also has a bizarre obsession with sharks that have Winchesters attached to their heads.

Their twin son and daughter:
Herpios and Herpias Troidovski


A pair of twins born recently. Herpios is a male and is horrifically deformed, while Herpias is a female and is oddly normal compared to the rest of the family. The two are extremely close, but they are able to handle being separated. Herpios loves corn.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dessie hunny, did you remember to do your shopping today? Remember dear, we're leaving tommorow!

Uh, yes. Yes I have. I took care of that weeks ago, dear.

Good, cause if we don't leave tomorrow I am going to cut off your goddamn dick.

Wait what?

Nothing Dessie, just get the wagon ready. I'm going to go out with some friends, so be good okay?

Yes'm.




DIGIT! GET OVER HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT

*sigh* Yeah?

Take this cash and go by Matt's place for me while I pump some steel.

No.

DO IT FAGGO...I mean, uh...I'll let you buy some candy. And stuff. Yeah.

Dad, I'm seventeen, I'm like, sooooo over candy.

Let me put it this way. Either you will go shopping for daddy, or daddy's belt will come off. And we all know what happens when daddy's belt comes off.

FINE, I'll do your stupid shopping. Geez.




Oh gawd what did he say to get?



Ah, thanks for the advice Mr. Matt.

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Reader Input Time:

What should Digit buy for the long trip to Oregon?

I'm gonna be bored during Thanksgiving break after finishing the term exams, so what better outlet than a little nostalgia and a blatant, unashamed ripoff of Something Awful's Let's Play formula, in blog format?

For those of you who have not heard of a Let's Play, it is where an individual plays through a game, taking many screenshots along the way, and, most importantly in games where this is possible, uses the valuable input of the community to make choices along the game. The Oregon Trail is the classic, pioneer Let's Play, and the original thread which housed it eventually caused an entire forum to be dedicated to this fun, engaging formula. While the goons at Something Awful mostly played through the original Apple II version, I'm going to be playing the Deluxe version, which has vastly improved graphics but, more importantly, slightly more complex gameplay mechanics.

I'll be counting on the input of the Destructoid community throughout this LP, and I can only hope that it will be entertaining to readers.

Less talk, more play! Let's do this thang.



Oh golly gee I can't wait!



Let's start off with naming our ragtag band of heroes and choosing our occupation. I'd advise against going for anything retarded as we'll have to live with these choices throughout the LP, but I'm game for challenges if you are, i.e. going Teacher.

Anyways our choices job-wise boil down to: