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About
A relatively new dad telling tales on what life is like as a gamer and a father.

- I'm the youngest of two children with one older sister.

- I'm first generation American as my parents were born in Italy.

- Married to a wonderful wife and have an amazing daughter who makes me laugh and smile every day.

- Hobbies include exercise, reading, writing, sci-fi, film, and of course, video games.




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Itís hard to trying to pigeonhole what industry the videogame most closely resembles. I personally hate comparing videogames to any other industry since the videogame industry is so unique in its own right. The general consensus, however is that the film industry has the most in common with the videogame industry and thatís a fair assessment I suppose. One could even say that the videogame has been trying to emulate Hollywood in terms of how to develop and market games, especially when it comes to blockbuster titles.

Comparing Hollywood blockbusters and videogame blockbusters is not that far fetched. One just needs to take a look at what type of films do the best and compare them to the type of games that fly off the shelves. Hollywood loves the big budget summer action movies and holiday fantasy flicks. In turn, the gaming industry loves shooters, action and fantasy RPGs, many of which have budgets that rival and even surpass the films that they are trying to emulate. However, the type of films that win Oscars are usually more subdued. The videogame industry puts its big budget blockbusters on a pedestal, but a shift may just be starting to occur.

There is one type of film that videogames rarely try emulate, and that is the emotional tearjerker. Yes, there were games that may have had moments that made you misty eyed, but it has never been the actual premise of the game, until now that is.


The tearjerker chick flick is still years off though.

Take a movie like Schindlerís List, Terms of Endearment, or even Toy Story 3. I would reckon that the goal of these movies is to provoke some deep thought and turn one into a blubbering, sobbing idiot before the end credits roll. Games havenít done a very good job of at getting this response. Games are great at getting our adrenaline pumping in shooters, or contemplating deep issues in some RPGs, but getting one to cry? Not so much. That Dragon, Cancer an independent title being developed by Ryan Green as well as Valiant Hearts from Ubisoft, could very well be two titles that could change the way games are perceived and add a new genre to the industry, the poignant tearjerker.

That Dragon, Cancer, is the story of Ryan Green and son Joel, who was diagnosed with a rare and deadly form of cancer. Green, a veteran programmer, who has worked in the videogame industry for many years, found a release by developing a very special type of game.


Image from That Dragon, Cancer

You are in Greenís shoes, as a father, caring for his son, as he battles the disease. In essence, a point and click game with an interesting art style, the goal is to make Joel comfortable during chemotherapy treatments, get him to eat and drink, play with him, or simply distract him to take his mind off the pain. Goals are not always clear-cut and sometimes the only way to proceed is to stop and pray. Youíll experience the highs as well as the extreme lows that the Green family felt, in a way that a film could not due to it being interactive. Simply put, this is a special game. One could say that this is a major departure for games. Youíre not defeating terrorism, slaying a monster, saving the galaxy, or rescuing a princess, you are simply caring for your son. Whatís the ultimate goal? Simply put, there isnít one. Just like life, itís day to day.

This may be tough to swallow for some gamers for a multitude of reasons. Games are supposed to be an escape from reality. Itís an opportunity for one to take a break from the mundane day-to-day life and be a hero. Thereís also the question of religion, which is an integral part of this game, which many folks may be turned off by. Even if you are religious, you may not want to play a game with religious overtones, and that is understandable.

Personally, That Dragon, Cancer is a game that I have decided not to play and it has nothing to do with religion or not having enough action, but because Iím a father myself, and this game would just be too painful to play, most likely turning me turning into a blubbering, hysterical wreck. Having kids will do that to you.

Not to sound clichť, but when I became a dad, and held my daughter for the first time, in the delivery room, you come to a realization that everything has changed. Iím not talking about free time, sleep, money or any other trivial bullshit, but rather where you put yourself, personally, in the grand scheme of things. As I held, my slimy and screaming daughter for the first time, her well-being and happiness became tantamount to everything else. As I held her, I thought to myself, I will give you everything that I have to ensure you are safe, even if it is my own life. Yes, I know, HOW MELODRAMATIC! Yet, thatís the truth.

I could point out a few instances where my daughter has hurt herself. As she wailed and cried, I would hold her trying to calm her down and pray for her pain to go away. A part of me would even pray for her pain to leave and enter me, so I could bare it for her, just like in Cocoon Part 2, starring Wilford Brilmley of ďI have DIABEETUSĒ and Quaker Oats commercials, where an old dude takes his wifeís cancer and then dies at her bedside.


DIABEETUS!

One day, while my wife had a late night at work, I had my daughter all to myself. She just started walking recently and was wobbling around the house. I encouraged her to walk and play, as I was a proud papa. BEHOLD! THE FRUIT OF MY LOINS WALKS!

I took my eyes off her just for a moment, she tripped and face planted right into the hardwood floor. She began screaming bloody murder. I picked her up, trying to soothe her and realized that she had the slightest cut on her lip and she was bleeding. That sight made me feel as if someone stabbed me right in the gut with a red-hot ice pick. ďIíM A SHITTY FATHER!Ē I thought to myself.

I got her an ice pack and rocked her back and forth until she finally started to calm down. As I carried her around the house trying to soothe her, I passed by a mirror and noticed that my eyes were all welled up with tears. Seeing my own flesh and blood in distress made me, a grown man, into a teary eyed idiot. I turned into a massive pussy.

This simple accident, in the grand scheme of things was nothing. Kids are going to fall and hurt themselves. Thatís a part of life, and yet, as a parent, you do all that you can to protect them, and when you fail, you feel like a shitty parent. With that said, I could not fathom what Ryan Green went through caring for his son.

Since we have already concluded that when it comes to my kid and really, anyoneís kids, Iím a massive pussy, so Iím going to pass in playing That Dragon, Cancer. I hope that many others give it a shot and give this game some much needed attention. I think it is very brave for Green to share such a hard time of his life through the medium of videogames. I hope that people take it seriously and the media looks at this as an example of a mature, poignant game that has nothing to do with violence, but rather the human spirit.


The Green Family

Sadly, Joel Green lost his battle with cancer on March 13, 2014. He was 5-years-old. His spirit will live on though, through his parents and siblings, and through his game. That Dragon, Cancer is planned to be released on the Ouya microconsole first and hopefully followed by releases on other platforms later. A documentary is also in the works detailing the development of the game.

To read more about That Dragon, Cancer, please go to game's blog here. Itís a good read and well worth your time.
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The Oculus Rift is going to be the beeís knees. Itís going to revolutionize the industry and change the way that we play games, FOREVER. Why, in fifty years, our children and grand children are going to look back a how positively cavemanish we were, playing videogames, on a TV, like and animal.

I would like to let you in a little secret though, and tell you that virtual reality is nothing new. It has been done before in videogames, all of them spectacular failures, mind you, however, maybe Oculus has found a way to break through and create something that will change how we play games. Time surely will tell. In the meantime, letís take a stroll down memory lane and dig up some of the more embarrassing moments of virtual reality technology. Itíll be like the time your parents broke out the baby pictures of you in the bath, showing them to you boyfriend/girlfriend. How delightfully embarrassing!

Virtual Reality wasnít the sexy Scarlett Johansenesc (Brad Pittish for the ladies out there) beast it is today. In its infancy, it was cute, but like all babies, useless, and will likely you give you headache and regret the decision for not pulling out when you had the chance. (I KID! I KID!...... but seriously).

SegaScope 3D for the Sega Master System, 1985



The SegaScope 3D was the cute, infancy stage of home 3D technology. Sure, it wasnít true virtual reality, but it was the first time for many gamers to play games in 3D at home.

The SegaScope 3D was an interesting concept, but boy was this thing hunk of shit. First things first, the glasses looked like a pair of ďfit-over glasses.Ē These are the glasses that old people in Florida wear, who are too cheap to buy prescription sunglasses. So they buy enormous fit-over glasses that go over their regular reading glasses that they purchased from Sears Optical. Did Sega just happen upon some surplus granny glasses and decided to use it as the base for their 3D glasses? Iím going to say, with out a shadow of doubt that the answer to that is YES! (Iím probably wrong.)



One did not look cool wearing this device and this is an ongoing issue with any type of wearable tech. You will look like an asshole. This is particularly true for any type of technology that you wear on your face, but especially for the SegaScope 3D. Donning these things made you look like an octogenarian sitting by the shuffleboard courts at the Del Boca Vista active adult retirement community in Boca Raton Florida. Not a good lookÖ trust me.

I got a pair of SegaScope 3D glasses for my Master System one year for Christmas along with a copy of Zaxxon 3D. Boy was excited when I ripped the wrapping paper off and witnessed this futuristic bit of technology. It did not take me long to be disappointed.

I recall that the glasses needed to be connected to the console via the front facing card slot. The cable, which was just a simple headphone style plug, was relatively short, so you would have to be seated close to the TV. By connecting to the console, the glasses strobed from lens to lens, giving a primitive 3D effect to what was on the screen.



The strobing allowed me to encounter for the first time, the splendor of migraine headaches. Not to mention, Zaxxon 3D sucked, along with the handful of other 3D games Sega put out, which I didnít even bother playing.

Lastly, these glasses were cheaply made. To my horror, one of the arms (is that what theyíre called?) broke. My father was able to fix it with duct tape, because of course he fixed it with duct tape. Heís a dad and thatís what dadsí do, fix things with duct tape.

Nintendo Virtual Boy, 1995



If the SegaScope 3D was the infancy stage of 3D and virtual reality, then the Virtual Boy would have been the awkward early teen years. What a fantastic time! Youíre becoming a man or a young lady. You have some serious hormones pumping through your veins. The slightest, most innocent thing reminds you of sex. Too bad your complexion is eerily close to an overcooked pizza, your voice cracks uncontrollably, and your body is growing in rapid spurts, making you an uncoordinated goofy mess. God luck getting some stink on your hag down in that condition champ.

The Virtual Boy did have something going for it though, and that was the genius and pedigree of esteemed Nintendo engineer Gunpei Yokoi, the inventor of the Gameboy. Unfortunately for Nintendo and Yokoi, the Virtual Boy was a disaster.

I remember the hype leading up the release of the Virtual Boy vividly. It was touted as a 32-bit, virtual reality, 3D capable, ďportableĒ system. Notice what I did there, putting ďportableĒ in quotation marks? Because itís ďportableĒ, in the same way as a 19-inch TV is portable, in that I can disconnect it from its original location, carry it somewhere else, and then plug it in and watch it, in that new location.



The system had another flaw, in that it could only display shades of red, forgoing color to minimize cost. Nintendo promised that the Virtual Boy would ďimmerse players into their own private universe.Ē I guess that would be true, if your private universe was some sort of surreal existential nightmare where color ceases to exist and is replaced with varying shades of red and black.



The Virtual Boy was a commercial failure. The high price, lack of quality games, the fact that it gave people headaches, dizziness, and nausea after extended use didnít help much either. It also wasnít true Virtual Reality, as critics complained that it did not have head tracking. Gameplay was essentially 3D on 2D plain.

The saddest thing about the Virtual Boy is the unsubstantiated rumor that Nintendo laid the blame of systemís failure on its creator, Gunpei Yokoi. The Virtual Boy was discontinued in late 1995 in Japan and in early 1996 in the U.S. Yokoiís last project, before leaving Nintendo after a 31-year career there was the iconic Gameboy Pocket.

After leaving Nintendo, Yokoi-san joined Bandai, where he created a rival handheld, called the Wonderswan. Various iterations sold modestly in Japan, but were never able to gain sufficient traction and were totally outclassed by the Gameboy brand.

Sadly, in October 4, 1997, Gunpei Yokoi was killed in an auto accident.

Atari Jaguar VR Headset, 1995 / Never Released



The Atari Jaguar 3D can be best described as that awkward time in your life after high school, where your not quite sure which niche you belong to. This is different for everyone, but I imagine the Jaguar VR as that Goth kid at the mall. At some point, he decided to dye his hair black, put on ďguy-linerĒ, took up smoking cloves cigarettes, began writing really dark poetry, and started listening to the Cure. Heís confused, just trying to experiment, and itís just a phase that heíll grow out of.



For the record, the Jaguar VR Headset never saw the light of day. It was vaporware in the truest sense of the term. Units were shown off at trade shows, but they were just a rebranded unit from a VR company whose name totally escapes me and research online is coming up empty, so fuck it, just take my word for it.

Atari, who was getting its ass kicked in the mid nineties from Sega and Nintendo, tried to shake things up and drum up interest in the fledgling Jaguar by announcing the VR headset. Atari originally planned two types of units, a ďblue and greyĒ high-resolution model and the ďblack and redĒ low resolution. The only game playable at tradeshows on prototype equipment was Missile Command 3D.

In 1996, when Atari merged with JTS, the project was canned, and most of the prototypes were destroyed. Two units did survive however, and came up on eBay in January 2013. The starting bid was $14,500. Not sure if anyone actually bid on the damn things. Waste of money if you ask me. Buy some coke and hookers, youíll have a much better time and wonít regret the decision as much a day later.

The Future



VR is now taking another stab at infiltrating the home. We have not one, not two, but three companies vowing to make affordable and technically impressive VR for the home a reality. Oculus, Sony, and now Samsung are going to go head to head with their respective headsets. I wouldnít be surprised if Microsoft decides to join the fray as well. More competition usually means a better product. Hopefully, this is virtual realityís chance as a technology to mature, into a voluptuous, wise, and adventurous cougar of a lady, ala Sofia Vergara (George Clooney for the ladies). No longer awkward and odd, but sophisticated.

No if only they can make people not look like complete assholes when wearing the tech, then we can all be happy campers.
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Being a gamer sure has a lot of high points. †We get to partake in a medium that is at the cutting edge of technology and storytelling. We gamers get to experience the genius of some of the finest modern artists and storytellers. Gaming has truly come into its own, differentiating itself from other mediums, like film and TV. Itís not all unicorn farts and rainbow puke however; being a gamer can have its low points.

5. Are you some kind of man-child or geek?



Thereís nothing I canít stand more than getting that disapproving look when I eventually get around to telling someone that Iím a gamer. Iíve written about this before recently and seriously, these folks can simply kiss my ass.

ďOh, youíre a gamer. Isnít that for little kids and nerds?Ē Thereís a better than average chance of hearing that whenever I mention to a stranger or new acquaintance that I enjoy playing videogames.†

Who made this person so high and mighty? Oh, you like watching reality television or are really into Fantasy Football? Those are great and amazing pastimes. That is such a better use of your time than playing videogames. Youíre so much more of well-adjusted person than I am because you spend your free time pretending to be a football coach and giving a shit about the Kardashianís. Did I spell ďKardashianĒ right? Oh who gives a fuck?

For the record, reality TV is pure garbage. I cannot tolerate it. Iíd rather heat an ice pick until itís red hot and plunge it into my eyeballs than watch the Jersey Shore, Real Housewives, or what ever else some TV executive shit out onto a board room conference table during a brainstorming session.

Videogames, for the most part, have a story to tell, are visually pleasing, and are fun. Whenever I watch any type of reality TV, whether itís the Kardashianís or Real Houswives, I want to cause harm to myself and to my television. I rarely get that reaction when playing a videogame, even though I have gotten close with the racist, anti-semetic, homophobic adolescents that can be found on Xbox Live.

4. Are you going to go postal and start shooting up the joint?



The media does a great job vilifying videogames. They really ought to be commended for spreading misinformation to the masses, turning non-stories into page view generating headlines on how games are contributing to some pretty heinous acts.

The media doesnít want to dig too deep into underlying issues, such as mental illness, non-existent parenting and poor gun control. Nope, itís the violent games that are causing people to shoot up the place. Thatís a scoop! Go ahead and publish that before the real reason some poor soul lost it and took it out on his classmates and friends.

3. Can you fix my computer?



ďOh, youíre into gaming? You must be really tech savvy. Can you tell me why I canít get onto America Online? My daughter posted pictures onto the interwebs of my grandkids, but my modem thingy is not working.Ē

Holy shit, does anyone else hear this crap? I realize that gaming is pretty high tech nowadays, but that doesnít mean that I must have a degree in computer science in order to be a gamer. The consoles and PCís that we use for gaming today are pretty impressive, but I donít know the inner workings of your eMachine with a 56k modem.

Matter of fact, I probably know less about tech now than I did fifteen years ago. The reason for that is because companies have made it so goddamn easy to do stuff. No more having to worry about drivers, and crap. Itís all about plug and play baby! †Iím just as stupid as youíre, grandpa, when shit stops working. Why donít you try unplugging it and plugging it back in? Thatís what I do when my Xbox One on PS4 starts acting funky and it works like a charm practically every time.

2. Not enough time



This is becoming more and more of a problem for me, because Iím married, have a kid, a house, a job, and all the bullshit that comes with getting older. However, not having enough time has always been a problem, but it only gets worse as you get older.

Even back in my college days, where why main objective was to be drunk and oblivious most of the time, there was still not enough time in the day. Game companies are cranking out a lot of good stuff. Thereís a quality release pretty much every month. If you have a life outside of just gaming 24/7, whether itís school, work, family, or chasing tail, thereís no way that you can play them all.

I remember back in the day, I would buy games that I wouldnít even take out of the shrink wrap. Thatís a fucking waste. Now, Iíve become a lot pickier on what I buy, and I have to ask myself before making a purchase, do I really have the time to invest in this game? †Getting old suck ass!

1. Expensive



There are other hobbies out there that are more expensive that gaming. Take golf, for example. I used to play this stupid waste of a game, until I realized what a shitty hobby it is. I spent thousands of dollars on clubs, clothes, green fees, lessons, and god knows what else. Want to know what I got out of it? Frustration to the point where I would chuck clubs into water hazards and curse up a storm that would make a sailor fucking blush.

I remember vividly the day when I quit the game for good. It was a hot sunny day in Ft. Lauderdale, FL. Iím playing on a nice course with some close friends, and every shot I took was shit. I was losing balls left and right. After shanking a relatively easy chip shot, I took my wedge, broke it over my knee, and threw it into a water hazard at some ducks. I then proceeded to drive my golf cart, like a maniac, to the clubhouse where I drank heavily until my friends were done with their round.

Gaming can be just as expensive as golf, but at least I donít scare small children and harass the local aquatic wildlife when Iím having a bad day on multiplayer. Consoles are $400 a pop, games are $60 new, Xbox Live or PSN have a fee, internet is expensive, a decent HD monitor or TV will cost you a pretty penny, and electricity is not free either you know. I also donít want to hear how PC gaming is such more economical either. Itís still expensive as hell.

Just doing the math in my head on how much I spend a year on gaming boggles my mind. I wouldnít change though, because gaming makes me happy, and when Iím happy, my wife is happy, and the dog doesnít get kicked, and itís all unicorn farts and rainbows.

In the end, gaming is just like any other hobby. There are pluses and minuses and a relatively high cost per entry. Whether itís the aforementioned golf, or fishing, auto enthusiasts, collecting crap, etc.Ö One has to make certain sacrifices and put up with a certain stigma from outsiders and non-hobbyists as well as the costs. Truth of the matter is I wouldnít give it up for the world; gaming is a part of me and always will be.

Being a gamer has so many more positives than negatives, which Iíll save for what can possibly be a future blog post. What I will say is that gaming gives me the opportunity to decompress after a long day of bullshit. It also allows me to be part of a certain fraternity (and sorority, for the feminists and those who have a vagina), where I can instantly have a kinship and understanding. All in all, the pros outweigh the cons. Sure, as with anything, it not always warm and fuzzy feelings, but what is?

Does anyone else have any other examples of why it can suck to be a gamer? Or maybe why itís great to be a gamer? Let it be known in the comments. SPEAK AND BE RECOGNIZED!
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Itís Motherís Day! That one time of year where we go out of our way to thank our mothers (and the motherís of our children for that matter) for putting up with our shit all these years. All the grey hairs and grief caused by years of mischief are postponed for a day, where moms everywhere can expect a few more hours of sleep, maybe breakfast in bed, and a bouquet of flowers. What better way to celebrate moms everywhere than a list of the worst moms from games and movies?

Yes, Iím including sci-fi and horror movies in my list, because lists of mothers in games have been done before, and I feel that movies and games go hand in hand with this list. Go ahead and give me shit for it for all I care.

10. Alien Queen (Aliens)



The queen from Aliens is actually not that bad of a mother if you think about it. All she really is doing is just watching out for her young. Ripley, in her quest to save Newt tears shit up, killing the Queenís offspring and burning up her eggs with a flamethrower. Any mother would be pissed if that happened. Itís called motherly instinct.

9. Mother Brain (Metroid)



Samus Aranís main nemesis from the Metroid series, is one cold and calculating bitch. Not to mention that she is a giant freaking brain with spike sticking out of her. I wouldnít want to bump into her at the checkout line at supermarket.

8. Norma Bates (Psycho)



Norma Bates was an abusive and terrifying mother to her son Norman. Years of chiding broke Norman down emotionally causing him major psychological issues. She preached to him constantly that all women other than her are whores and sex was essentially evil.

After living alone with his mother for years after his fatherís death, she begins dating a new man. Norman, who at this point has some pretty severe mommy issues murders both of them, making it appear like a suicide. He then puts his taxidermy skills to good and preserves his mother, so that they can be together forever.

To make matters worth, the years of abuse from his mother caused him to develop a multiple personality disorder. Norman was a shy and awkward man, but at the drop of a hat, he could turn into his abusive and homicidal mother.

7. Dr. Bridgid Tenenbaum (Bioshock)



Dr. Tannenbaum is the geneticist who helped to discover ADAM as well as the system to mass-produce it, giving the people who use it special powers and abilities. The one problem is that the system to mass-produce ADAM required the use of small girls, who are called little sisters. The ADAM would then need to be "harvested" from them.

She does eventually tries to save the girls, and adopts them, since most of their parents are probably dead, driven insane by ADAM or murdered by people who have become insane due to ADAM. Itís the least she could do for them, really.

6. Margaret White (Carrie)



What can I say about Margaret White, other than sheís abusive, domineering, and a fanatical nut that thinks that anything and everything is sinful. Oh, and sheís most likely insane.

Her daughter Carrie was born with telekinetic powers, which Margaret interprets as her being a witch. Of course this means that she must murder her own daughter. †Too bad she forgot rule number one in witch murdering, which states donít try to murder a witch with telekinetic powers. Mrs. White got what she had coming.

5. Samarra (Mass Effect)



Samarra, an Asari justicar had three daughters that suffer from an unfortunate condition, which makes them kill their mates during sex. Nothing is more than a turn off than having your hot blue alien girlfriend kill you while bumping uglies.

Two of Samarraís daughters decide to live a life of luxury in isolation. The other decides to have some fun and causes some general chaos. Due to this, Samarra decides to take it upon herself to hunt her daughter down, for centuries, vowing to kill her.

No heart to heart conversation on the beach, or any therapy sessions, just right to the filicide. I think Samarra has acted little hastily with the decision to murder her own daughter.

4. Mama Fratelli (Goonies)



Mama Fratelli, the matriarch of the Fratelli family is a tough as nails and terrifying lady who I wouldnít want to run into in a dark alley. Not to mention, sheís the leader of a violent and homicidal group of thieves consisting of her 3 sons.

To say that sheís abusive is an understatement. She readily admits that she dropped her son Sloth multiple times, most likely leading to his disfiguration. She also threatens to maim a young boy by putting his hand in a blender, gives chase to a group of teenagers, and eventually makes them walk the plank off of a pirate ship.

3. Pamela Voorhees (Friday the 13th)



Pamela Voorhees, the mother of Jason Voorhees, starts out normal enough, if not a little over protective. Jason was born with a hydrocephalic condition, which is an abnormal accumulation of fluid in the cerebral ventricles, causing enlargement of the skull and compression of the brain, destroying much of the neural tissue. (SCIENCE!)

Pamela was employed as a cook at Camp Crystal Lake, and she was very protective of her boy Jason, who was constantly teased by the other kids. One evening, Jason snuck out to prove that he knew how to swim, however, the camp counselors did not notice him and poor Jason drowned. His body was never found.

Pamela never forgave the counselors and slowly went psychotic, believing that her son Jason was willing her to murder the counselors, which she did, in a bloody and gory fashion.

2. Sarah Connor (Terminator 1 & 2)



Sarah Connor pretty much has the same issue as so many mothers already mentioned in this list. Itís not that sheís a bad mother, she doing her best in a shitty situation. Too bad her best is really pretty crappy.

First of all, Sarah, before sheís a mother falls for the oldest line in the books. If I had a dollar every time I told a girl in college I was from the future while trying to get in her pants, I would literally have seven dollars. Well, Sarah fell for this line and becomes preggers. Sarah isnít very bright.

She also doesnít make a very good role model for her bastard son, getting arrested and locked up in a mental hospital. Sheís also pretty cold and not the most warm and cuddly woman Iíve seen. No wonder John had issues, maybe if his mother put down the AK-47 and gave her son a hug every once in awhile, maybe he would be a little more well adjusted.

1. Joan Crawford (Mommie Dearest)



I know that many of you probably have no clue who this woman is. This lady by far, is the most terrifying mother ever. To make matters worse, she was a real person.

When I was growing up, I was utterly terrified of this movie, more than any other movie. Even horror flicks like Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, The Exorcist, you name it.

The movie Mommie Dearest was based on the true story of Christina Crawford, the adopted daughter of actress and Hollywood icon Joan Crawford.

Joan Crawford, was getting up in the years and roles were starting to dry up. The †movies she was being cast in were tanking. It didnít help that she had developed the reputation of being a nasty bitch. Studios were slowly starting to distance themselves from her. She needed to do something to soften image, and what better way to do that was to adopt a child. Luckily, we donít see this stuff in Hollywood anymore.







Faye Dunawayís portrayal of Crawford is purely terrifying. I had nightmares of this movie for years. Joan Crawford, was such a horrible nasty woman and apparently had zero motherly instincts. All this came out after her adopted daughter wrote about her hell growing up in her memoir.

What was really bad, was that when my sister and I were kids, and we were being punished by our mother for being brats, we would call her Mommie Dearest, like poor little Christina Crawford from the movie. We were horrible kids. Sorry momÖ and Happy Mother's Day!
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People often ask me, ďHow do you deal with your nasty commute into work every morning on the train?Ē Simple really, in the morning I sleep, probably snoring and farting like a motherfucker to the point where everyone probably wants to kill me. At night, during my ride home, I drink an obnoxiously large beer in a brown paper bag while fucking around on my iPhone or iPad. Sometimes I write my next blog for Destructoid on my MacBook (APPLE FANBOY!). Now you now why my writing style is the way it is, because Iím usually drunk as hobo after drinking a gallon of prison toilet pruno.



Truth of the matter is, technology has been so integrated into society that itís almost second nature at this point to be constantly connected. Gaming and social media are literally at our fingertips, at all times, whether itís on our phones, tablets, or portable consoles. Iím just as guilty as the next person of wanting to be constantly connected and entertained at all times, especially after shot-gunning 40 oz. of cheap beer from a Penn Station drug store.

Being constantly connected has become so ingrained into society that I sometimes struggle to remember what it was like before the advent of iPhones, iPads, PS Vitas, Gameboys and affordable cellular data plans. Literally, as Iím writing this, pretty much everyone is on their phones, tablets, or laptops, with ear buds in. The person next to them might as well not even exist as far as they are concerned.

Iím not much better. Iíve already drunk my beer, and Iím banging away on my keyboard and I have my music, funneling through my ear buds, which is way too loud to be appropriate for the ďquiet carĒ that Iím currently seated in, and the person sitting across from me is giving me the stink eye. Sorry bud, but if you had to deal with the shit I go through every day at my job, you would drink and listen to Black Sabbath too. STOP JUDGING ME!


I'm classy.

Iíd like to add that I donít pine for the ďgood ole daysĒ before iPhones, iPads, DSs, PSPs and generally any type of portable technology. Those days were horrible. I still have nightmares of sitting on the train, bored out of mind and getting elbowed by the old fuck next to me reading the New York Times. Look at you Mr. Fancy Pants, so important, reading your newspaper. Ohhhh, the Style Section, so elegant! Is that an article on bonobos youíre reading? Is that another article about the virtues of canvas belts with little anchors on them? Stop invading my space or Iíll huff, and roll my eyes until Iím blue in the face. Of course you will not take the hint, so in my minds eye all I can do is fantasize about rolling up your newspaper and killing you with it, Jason Bourne style. To make matters worse, I didnít drink at that time, because I was single and wanted to maintain my girlish figure. Now, Iím married with kid. Itís not like the coeds are beating the shit out of each other now to get into my pants anymore. Drinking an obscene 40 oz of beer (maybe two) would have made the commute much more bearable back then.



Earlier in the week however, I did something that I rarely do during my commutes anymore. I actually had a conversation with the people sitting around me on the train. It was in the middle of rush hour and the trains were running late for whatever reason. I think there was a light drizzle, so trains were being delayed and canceled left and right because mass transit in and out of New York sucks ass.

We were packed in like sardines and seats were filling up fast. Luckily I found a nice open four-seater, as in, two seats facing each other. As people continued to funnel in, all the seats in my spot quickly filled up. We were in for a nice cozy ride. Luckily, I had my good friend Herr Becks with me as well as my iPad to help take the edge off.

Two sweet older gals took the last two open seats in my section. One was reading a book and the other was reading a newspaper, because of course she was reading a newspaper. She then folded it up, blocking out an article and handed it to her friend. It was an article that I read earlier in the day while I was at the office pretending to work. I then did something I rarely do anymore; I started a conversation with them about said article.


There's a sale at Penney's!

Before you knew it, the conversation meandered onto various subjects. The other gentleman sharing our section joined in as well. We touched upon various topics covering politics, travel, food, work, and religion. Before you knew it, they had arrived at their stop and we parted ways. I then continued the conversation with the seatmate who remained.

During our conversation, I learned that we had an eerily amount of things in common. Turns out, we have similar backgrounds, job, family, hobbies, etc.Ö If I hadnít simply put my iPad down and took a break from my game to strike up a conversation, I would have never met this person.

We still bump into each other during our commutes. Weíll sit next to each other and chat, like people used to do, I imagine, and the commutes go by much quicker. That doesnít stop me from drinking, mind you, but nothing beats good conversation and a beer. Itís as if Iím sitting at the pub.

All in all, we have some amazing technology at our disposal today. Weíre never unconnected anymore if you think about it, and gamers have many options at our fingertips to enjoy our pastime on the go. Interestingly enough, we have come to a day and age, where the technology is no longer the novelty, but having an old fashioned conversation with our fellow human beings, face to face is. It feels good to disconnect sometimes. Sure, you can encounter an asshole, and if that happens, well you can just put in your eye buds and get back into your game.
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Itís pretty obvious that the suits at MLG have nefarious and grander plans for competitive gaming and the proof is their decision to build an arena off the coast of Hong Kong to hold multi-national tournaments. Iíll be blunt and say that nothing good comes out of holding tournaments of any kind on islands off the coast of Hong Kong.

Sure, MLG Ďs early days were quaint. ďWeíre just a fledgling competitive gaming promoter.Ē Theyíd say. Right, and Hitler just wanted to paint landscapes. Like all entities striving for world domination, they start with innocuous, humble beginnings, but at some point, the truth comes out.

Itís a known fact that islands off of Hong Kong's coast are used for one of two things. They can be lairs, usually of the hollowed out volcano variety, occupied by well-funded, multi-national terrorist organizations with names like S.P.E.C.T.R.E. and E.V.I.L. The other use for islands off Hong Kongís coast, is using them for illegal, no-hold-barred, battle to the death tournaments. I think my more astute readers see where this is going.


SPECTRE

Itís pretty obvious this is what MLGís intends to use its new arena for. They plan to bring the finest competitive gamers from around the world and have them battle, to the death, until there is only one team left. What MLG plans to do with the best team is up to conjecture, but I reckon they plan to control some kind of super powered drone army, which will allow MLG to then hold the superpowers of the world ransom.†



One doesnít need to dig too deep in order to find that there has been a precedent set by evil individuals having a tournament on a secret island lair. Take Mr. Han in the classic Bruce Lee movie Enter the Dragon. †This man was building a drug empire and his most trusted enforcers were the victors of his battle to the death martial arts tournaments. Is it not painfully obvious that this is what MLG is planning? There are too many similarities for this to be coincidence.


Stock photo of Major League Gaming's new CEO

We must take a stand on this. We will not be forced against our wills to battle to the death and possibly imprisoned by MLG, having experiments performed us until our resolve is broken.


Kentucky Fried Movie

Gamers everywhere, I call to you to open up your eyes, take a stand, and fight for our freedom against the tyranny of the MLG.

DISCLOSURE: I wrote this post on the train on a Friday night on my way home from work after drinking two 40 oz. beers.
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