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Earlier in the week, a video leaked of what CNN, the cable news enterprise, would broadcast as the world as we know it crumbled around us. People flocked to the web to see what Ted Turner and his pederast moustache would air during civilization’s final moments.
When the Cable News Network launched 34 years ago, its founder Ted Turner, made a solemn promise stating that “Barring satellite problems, we won't be signing off until the world ends.”
In anticipation of this, he had a final video prepared that would usher in the end of days. Turner went on to say, “We'll be on, and we will cover the end of the world, live, and that will be our last event. We'll play the National Anthem only one time, on the first of June and when the end of the world comes, we'll play 'Nearer My God To Thee' before we sign off.”
Many thought this was just the ramblings of a crazy rich person with way too much time and money on his hands. Well, those who thought that way were wrong. An end of days video was created, and put on standby titled TURNER DOOMSDAY VIDEO. The last living CNN employee would air the video, most likely right before being attacked and eaten by zombies.
Only one word can be used to describe this doomsday video. That word is LAME. Do you hear me Ted Turner? I SCREAM IT FROM THE MOUNTAIN TOPS!
I don’t know about you, but when the end is nigh I would want to air the most metal and “meta” video possible. This is going to be broadcast out into space, eventually reaching the Mon Calimarians in some far off galaxy and I don’t want to leave the impression that we were a bunch of panty waists.
IT'S A TRAP! Oh, never mind, just a lame video.
The final broadcast is an important statement. It’s the same reason that your mother wants you to wear clean underwear when you go out. God forbid you get in some serious accident; the condition of your underwear will leave a lasting impression on the paramedics or even worse, the mortician. Your mom didn’t want someone cutting away the clothes from your lifeless body to find filthy underwear. If this CNN video is ever to broadcast, it would be an intergalactic shit skid mark on the underwear of humanity. NOT THE IMPRESSION I WANT TO LEAVE.
So, without further ado, I give you 5 SUPERIOR doomsday videos that I recommend Destructoid should post in the event of an apocalypse.
5. Black Sabbath – Black Sabbath
This is the song that I want blaring in the back ground when the world ends. It’s perfectly suited for the occasion, especially if we encounter a biblical end of days.
Just a bit of background of this song’s dark pedigree, here’s a quote from Black Sabbath’s bassist Geezer Butler on what inspired the lyrics:
“I'd been raised a Catholic so I totally believed in the Devil. There was a weekly magazine called Man, Myth and Magic that I started reading which was all about Satan and stuff. That and books by Aleister Crowley and Denis Wheatley, especially The Devil Rides Out...I'd moved into this flat I'd painted black with inverted crosses everywhere. Ozzy gave me this 16th Century book about magic that he'd stolen from somewhere. I put it in the airing cupboard because I wasn't sure about it. Later that night I woke up and saw this black shadow at the end of the bed. It was a horrible presence that frightened the life out of me! I ran to the airing cupboard to throw the book out, but the book had disappeared. After that I gave up all that stuff. It scared me shitless.”
4. Scanners Head Explosion
One of my favorite all time scenes. Just 11 seconds long and yet, it's the perfect analogy for the situation... Probably. Any far off civilization that receives this video would think that we had some actual telekinetic superpowers and would be scared shitless of us.
3. Ric Flair Going Nuts
A million years from now, when the Lizard People of Alpha Centuri receive this video of Ric Flair, they will know that mankind was badass. WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I wonder what they would think of him. Maybe they’ll assume he was our ruler? That would be sweet! WOOOOOOOOOOO!
2. Slayer – Reign in Blood
Just listening to this makes me want to run through a fucking brick wall. What better way for humankind to make an exit than having this shit blasting out at an eleven when the sky starts falling. No marching bands for me thank you very much. When I sign off for the last time, I want it to be to the sounds thundering drums, rumbling bass, and mind-blowing guitar riffs.
1. Rocky & Apollo Creed Training Montage
Nothing represents the human spirit better than a top notch training montage. Rocky III is by far the pinnacle of training montages, many films have tried to imitate it, but none have come close to duplicating it. Every eighties movie had a montage and some of them are done very well, like in Karate Kid, or even Rocky IV, and yet, they all fall short to Rocky III.
Also, Rocky and Apollo training together is not in any way homoerotic.
So there it is, my Top 5 ways I think Destructoid should usher in the end of the world. Think you can do better? Of course you can, so let’s hear it in the comments section.
Whenever there’s a shooting in the headlines, I wait for the inevitable. Will Grand Theft Auto be mentioned as a possible factor? It’s practically a standard for mainstream journalism today. Any article regarding a shooting must contain an anecdote on Grand Theft Auto, or it simply will not go to print, right?
That’s why I was so surprised to come upon an article in my news feed from before the holidays regarding a shooting in Wyoming that made no mention of Grand Theft Auto. Obviously, this is sloppy journalism and even sloppier editing. This article should never have been published without the compulsory mention of Grand Theft Auto. I went ahead and rewrote the original Associated Press article so that Grand Theft Auto was referenced, hereby restoring balance to the universe.
SHERIDAN, Wyo. — On December 9, Richard L. Fipps and three others were in a remote area when their vehicle became stuck. Fipps and two of his companions got out of the vehicle to survey the situation. Fipps, who was standing beside his truck told the third inhabitant, who remained in the vehicle to move from the front seat to the back. The third inhabitant, who just so happens to be a dog, discharged a loaded rifle which was lying in the back seat of Fipps’ vehicle.
Johnson County Sheriff Steve Kozisek says the bullet struck Fipps in the arm. The injury was not life-threatening. Fipps was treated in a hospital in Billings, Montana and released.
The Johnson County Police department has retained the canine for questioning. When asked if he plays any violent video games, he simply barked and then licked himself.
Police inspected Fipps’ home, looking for a possible motive. No violent video games like Grand Theft Auto were found. Detectives believe that even if violent games were present, it would be difficult for a dog to actually play them, given that dogs have no opposable thumbs. Investigators however, are not ruling out whether Grand Theft Auto was a factor in this shooting until they are satisfied that they have exhausted all possible leads. One of these leads include a squirrel, which at this time remains anonymous for his protection.
During a press conference, reporters asked Sheriff Kozisek whether this was a waste of public resources, and simply a case of a redneck improperly storing a dangerous loaded weapon in his truck. Kozisek, responded that his department takes shootings very seriously and will not rest until they find a way to link this case to violent video games.
The holidays are almost over and it’s now time to recover. I have a horrible hangover, which is to be expected, and my checkbook is bruised and battered after a month of acquiring gifts, in the name of the baby Jesus and whoever my Jewish friends give gifts in the name of during Hanukah. Moses? Pretty sure it’s Moses.
Some of you may be in decent shape though after a season of conspicuous consumption. I realize that many people on this site skew younger. You probably did well this holiday. I imagine that you came away with a lot of game related gifts and envelops full of cash. Many of you may not realize the pressures a married man with children and a large extended family goes through this joyous time of year. If that is the case, FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE RABSCALLION N’ER DO WELLS! I hope you get kidnapped by a pack of angry bonobos with unconventional sexual fetishes.
He's thinking that you sure do have a pretty mouth.
Hey man, remember that time, way back, when I said I wanted you to get kidnapped by bonobos who may or may not have put you in a ball gag and smeared Crisco all over you? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I was hung-over, and trying to figure out a way to pay the mortgage after my wife spent all our money, buying gifts.
The sad truth is that getting older, settling down with that special someone, and starting a family is expensive and let’s face it, our pastime of choice is not cheap. Even when you try to be frugal, whether its buying used games, waiting for sales, or giving Cleveland steamers to sailors and long shore men on the docks for quick cash, video games are expensive.
Hey Sailors! You looking for a good time?
There is good news however, and it does not include providing sexual favors to seamen and dockworkers with unconventional sexual desires. There is a lot of ways to score easy money with out becoming a member of the world’s oldest profession.
If you know the right places to look, have some patience, and don’t mind taking a few minutes out of the day, you can rack up a decent amount of money for gaming.
What I’m going to share with you is tried and tested by yours truly for the past eight years. During that time, I’ve been able to purchase new consoles, Apple laptops, and plenty software and a significant amount of games to boot.
I realize that previous paragraph makes me sound like something you’d hear from some coked out sleaze ball in a bad infomercial during the wee hours of the morning. I feel all dirty just typing it. Yes, it sounds too good to be true, but this shit actually works, as long as you put in a modicum of effort and set a goal for yourself. Think of it like an RPG, where you have to grind it out, killing rats for days straight until you can level up.
So, in no particular order, here are some ways that you can earn quick and easy cash, without having to put in much work.
The Humble Coin Jar
This is by the far the simplest way to earn cash. Many of you may already be doing this, but do you have an actual goal your trying to reach by saving all your coins? When I first started saving all my coins in a large gallon jug back in college, I can honestly say I did not. It was for a rainy day and would be pillaged frequently for weed and booze.
My dealer was not pleased in getting paid in rolled up coins.
Then, just prior to the Xbox 360 release, I decided to use my coins to help pay for it. I had a five-gallon water jug that was just over half full. I planned a weekend to count it all out and roll my coins. No Coinstar machines for me thank you very much. I’m not going to give up 10% of my haul to BIG COIN COUNTING MACHINE COMPANY. Take your 10% cut and shove it up your ass.
Nowadays, many banks have coin counting machines that are free to use for their customers, which is great, because counting coins sucks. There are people who say that coin counting is soothing. These people need professional help.
After counting everything out and trading in my old Xbox and games, I had more than enough money in coins and credit to pay for a brand new Xbox 360, an extra controller, charging kits, a couple of games, as well as a some of other accessories.
Unfortunately, I had to wait a couple more months to get my Xbox 360, as my GameStop took too many pre-orders that they could not fulfill, but that’s a different story.
From that point on, my coin jug was meant solely for the purchasing of consoles. Given how long the previous generation of consoles lasted, by the time the Xbox One and PS4 was released, I had enough to money in coins, store credit from trading in my Xbox 360 and PS3, and funds amassed by the other means that I share later on below, to cover the purchase of both an Xbox One and PS4, games and accessories, and a brand new MacBook Pro, because I DESERVE IT GODDANMIT!
Now, I know that sounds like a lot, but keep in mind that I have been saving for years up to this point, but as you can see, it was totally worth it.
On a side note, when saving my coins, I actually have two jugs, one for pennies and another for everything else. I like to keep my coins segregated because I’M A COIN RACIST. There is nothing more satisfying than seeing a jug full of silvery coins without red cents diluting the mix. One day, after I’ve accumulated a decent amount and I’m ready to cash them in, I’m going to pour them into the bathtub and rub them against my naked body, like a perverted Scrooge McDuck.
Game the Bing Search Rewards System
I just recently started doing this. Bing, Microsoft’s answer to Google, has a rewards system for those who use the search engine. Microsoft is desperately trying to make a dent into Google’s search supremacy, so they’ve resorted to bribing people into using their search engine. I have no problem with this.
To get in on the action, you have to first create a Bing account and you’ll get points just for doing so. When you’re logged in, whenever you search on your PC, you get points. You’re capped at 15 points a day when you search on a PC. You can supplement the PC search cap though, by doing mobile searches, but this is also capped at 10 points per day. Making Bing your home page and setting it as your default search engine will also net you easy points.
Bing also provides daily search recommendations. Click on those and you can score up to 5 additional points per day. All in all, you can score 30 points per day by just taking several minutes to randomly search for bullshit on Bing. I do this first thing in the morning as soon as I get into the office. This is good, because I’m able to get it out of the way before the day even starts and people think that I’m so devoted to my job that I put my nose to the grindstone the minute I get it. It’s just part of my daily morning routine now.
It doesn’t end there though. Sometimes Microsoft runs promotions where you can earn double points over the weekend or on holidays, netting you 60 points or more a day. You also get bonuses for amassing milestones for total searches since creating an account.
If you refer a friend, you can earn an easy 100 points if they use start using Bing and perform a certain amount of searches. You can take advantage of this, by referring friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, parents, spouses, hobos, anyone really. Then go on their computers and run a few random searches until you hit the milestone and boom, you got some easy points.
Finally, when you achieve Gold status after amassing 700 total points since creating an account, you get a 10% discount from the Bing store where you use the points you accumulated.
The Bing store has a lot of crap on there. Many of the items are actually Bing related merchandise and sweepstakes, where you can use points to enter your name to try and win, for example, an Xbox One, computers, vacations, and various other things. These are bullshit, so don’t even bother with these. These offers are there to keep you from using your points on more worthwhile, albeit more expensive things.
More importantly, the Bing Store also has gift cards, for Xbox points, the Microsoft Store, and Amazon, just to name a few. $5 gift cards range anywhere between 400 to 500 points, but it only takes a couple weeks to amass enough points in order to buy them and less if you’re creative.
All in all, Bing is not a bad search engine to begin with, so I actually don’t mind using it. However, if you’re a diehard AskJeeves user, is it really going to kill you to take five minutes out of your day to perform some random searches on Bing to score an easy gift card? Probably not, so go ahead and help Microsoft pad their numbers so they look competitive against Google. Yes, you may be whoring yourself out, but it’s not like you’re giving blumpkins to truckers in rest stop bathrooms off the interstate.
This is also a new addition to my easy money repertoire. EasyShift is an app that you can download to your smart phone, so this one is for iPhone and Android users. EasyShift has partnerships with consumer goods companies where they provide customer reviews to their partners.
Using the app is simple. It uses your geolocation to term determine your, uh, location, and then it will display on a map various stores and restaurants that you can go to and complete what they call shifts.
Shifts are easy to do. For example, there may be a shift at the local bar for Samuel Adam’s beer. You sign up for the shift and head over to the bar, where you’ll be tasked with taking pictures of the beer taps, signage, and advertisements. You may have to answer a short survey, but they are always brief.
Another example of a shift may be going to the pharmacy and taking a picture of their candy section or a particular display, then answering a short survey. This is all done through the app and is super easy and you also don’t have to buy anything, which is good, since we’ve already determined that we’re poor.
Completing shifts nets you $5 to $10 bucks, for a few minutes of work. The funds then get deposited to your PayPal account. I especially like EasyShift because they pay out in actual cash, not gift cards or points.
The only downside to EasyShift is that you’re limited to what’s available in your location. If you live in a rural area, there is not going to be a lot of shifts available and driving out to a store and using up gas defeats the purpose. However, if you live or work in a big town or city, there can be a good amount of shifts available. You have to act quickly though. Shifts are limited and sometimes they just need a few people to sign up for them. Once they got enough participants, the shift closes.
Since I work in New York City, if I have some free time during lunch, I’ll check to see if there are any shifts around my office. I’ll then just walk on over during my lunch break and sign up for them. On a good day, I can make $30 bucks during lunch. And since shifts take only a few minutes, I still have plenty of time to eat my lunch. Getting out of the office, taking a walk, and getting some fresh air is an added bonus.
After work, I’ll also check to see if there are any shifts on the way home. I’ll then make a stop or two and do some shifts. Since it’s on the way, I’m not spending anything extra on gas.
Again, you’re limited to your location and whether other individuals beat you to a shift, but we’re talking easy money here, and it’s cash, so you can use it on anything.
I’ve been taking surveys online for nearly eight years now. I was lucky in that I found a decent company that has a good rewards system for survey takers. You should be wary in that there are a lot of shady survey companies who promise you a ton of money and perks that will leave you disappointed.
These fly-by-night survey companies are kind of like the fliers you get on the Las Vegas strip for houses of ill repute promising you a rendezvous with a supermodel quality lady. In the end, you’ll find yourself naked in the desert after all your possessions are stolen, and may have contracted gonorrhea from a prostitute who may or may not have been a man. Do yourself a favor and stay away from these companies, promising quick bucks taking surveys as it’s almost always a scam and you will be bombarded with spam and robocalls.
In my opinion, the best survey and market research company is eRewards. I’ve been using them for years and have never felt like I was being taken advantage of by them. There are many other market research companies out there, but eRewards works best for me.
eRewards is different from other survey companies in that they don’t accept everyone who signs up. They are looking for specific demographics. So even if you do decide to sign up with them, there’s a chance that they may say thanks, but no thanks. I find that since they are not allowing just anyone to sign up with them, they are able to provide better perks.
Many of the more reputable market research companies will ask you for your background and how many surveys you’re willing to take per week. I try to take as much as possible. Some weeks I may be bombarded with survey requests, but other weeks I may get none. It all depends on whether your demographics match the study they are performing.
One of the perks to eRewards is that you always get some credit when taking their surveys. Let’s say that you start a survey that they sent to you. They’ll tell you that it may take up to 20 minutes to complete it in its entirety, and when you complete the survey, you’ll get $6.25 in credit, which is pretty good. You start taking the survey, answer a few questions and you may be cut-off. There are many reasons that this can happen. Maybe you don’t fit the demographic? Perhaps they already reached their limit of respondents in your demographic? If that’s the case, then no problem, because you will still receive partial credit just for attempting to take a survey. Not too shabby for just a few seconds of clicking off boxes.
Some of the longer surveys that you qualify for can be tedious, but you’re getting paid a lot more for taking them, so what the heck and it’s not hard work. I actually find some of the surveys they send pretty interesting and at times entertaining. Some companies put a lot of effort to make their surveys as interactive as possible, which is an added bonus.
Once you have amassed enough credit from taking surveys, you can cash them in the marketplace. Again, it all depends on which market research company you sign up for, but eRewards does have a partnership with GameStop. So after a short time and a few minutes a day, you can cash in your credit for $25 GameStop gift card. Not too shabby.
Sign Up for Media Research Programs
This is by far the easiest out of all the ways to make some easy money for gaming, but with the one caveat that you’re giving up some of your privacy.
Some of you may be aware of companies like Nielsen and Arbitron. Essentially, these companies want to know what you’re watching on the television or listening to on the radio. They then take that information and sell it to the networks, so they know how shitty their programming is.
A show about a talking horse. Someone see if that has been done before.
Many of these companies require you to either hook up some hardware to your cable box or carry a meter device that looks similar to a pager.
For those of you who are too young to know what a pager is, it’s what drug dealers carried around in the 80’s and 90’s to let them know when they had a buyer. All the cool kids had a pager. I wanted a pager, but my parents refused to get me one since they had a negative connation. Only doctors and drug dealers carried pagers, and no one was going to mistake me for being a child prodigy physician like Doogie Howser.
Prodigy drug dealing doctor.
These media research companies don’t like it when you tell people that you’re taking part in their programs. They make this very clear not to disclose this information to anyone when you sign up. I can say, without a shadow of a doubt that I am currently not part of any of these of these media research programs. OKAY!
With that out of the way, media research companies will pay you, in actual cash, $30 to $50 every month just to be in their program. If you have more than two people in their household, many times they will double that.
I have a good friend (NOT ME) that signed up with one of these programs. The company sent over two meters, one for him and his wife. These meters are smart. They shut down when they stay stationary for awhile and don’t think that one person can carry around both of them, as the media research company will know, which is creepy as fuck.
After awhile, my friend’s wife refused to wear the meter. My friend did not know what was so difficult as he would just put the thing in his pocket during the day and at night put it on its base to recharge and transmit data. His wife however, would forget the meter at home, or forget to charge it, or leave it in her purse where it would shut off. She had enough when the media research company began to call her to remind her to wear her meter. This was the last straw for her as she simply refused to carry the device anymore.
This put my friend in a bit of a pickle. He was no longer getting the credit of having two active meters in his home. That’s when he came up with a brilliant idea after watching the movie Police Academy 3, where Zed and Sweetchuck tie flashlights to the guard dog’s collars so that their superiors think that they were doing their nightly rounds. The video below is in German, but it makes the scene so much better.
Police Academy has taught me everything to know about life.
Just like in the movie my buddy just attached the meter to his dog’s collar. He then notified the media research company that his wife was now a full time stay-at-home mom, which they had no problem with.
So my pal and his four legged friend make $60 to $100 a month, which they can use towards anything. Every once in a while, my friend’s wife tries to finagle her half of the payment, but he reminds her that she had her opportunity to take part and gave up any entitlements to the dog, who kindly gives him her portion every month for snausages, belly rubs, and praise.
WHO’S A GOOD GIRL? WHO’S A GOOD GIRL? YOU’RE A GOOD GIRL
One may call this gaming the system and unethical, but my pal will disagree with you whole heartedly. He sees this as providing a service to an unrecognized demographic of canine television viewing habits that the media research companies have been ignoring for years.
What about a show about talking dogs? Someone see if that has been done before.
The strategies provided above are proven means to earn easy cash for whatever your heart desires. I found them useful for my personal gaming fund, but you can use them on practically anything, booze, toys, sensual massages, WHATEVER. As long as you’re willing to put in some effort, there are many companies that will compensate you for your opinions and socking away loose change can add up over time.
So give it a try and also let me know what are some your strategies for saving money for games in the comments below - the more questionable and unethical the better.
Christmas is my favorite holiday. What’s not to like about Christmas? You get presents, stuff your face with holiday cookies, can be drunk all the time, and get time off from work and school to play video games and watch movies.
The baby Jesus wants you to be drunk.
Really, there’s no reason to not love Christmas, unless you’re Jewish, which means you celebrate Hanukah, which is pretty sweet. I have a Jewish coworker and she tells me that they celebrate Jewish Christmas, which means they go out to eat Chinese food and then go to the movies on Christmas day. That’s not a bad tradeoff.
Merry Christmas Gentiles!
Speaking of movies, there’s certainly no shortage of Christmas movies. The Dustin Thomas put together a pretty solid list of Christmas movies. You can check out his post here. Wanting to contribute to the discussion, I put together my own list of Christmas movies, but with my own spin, of course.
I went ahead and looked for some awesome movies that just so happen to be Christmassy, with less “Peace on Earth” and more explosions and SEXY TIME! Christmas movies can be dull and way too warm and fuzzy. The Holidays are stressful, sometimes you need to blow off some steam by watching things go boom, people getting kicked in the face, and some full frontal nudity.
So sit back and relax, enjoy a cup of eggnog and watch someone get punched in the face, all in the name of the baby Jesus.
This is the last Batman starring Michael Keaton and directed by Tim Burton. Burton’s vision for Batman was bleak but injected with some dark humor which is a good combination for the caped crusader. Both Batman and Batman Returns were decent films and I’m fond of them, but the former is superior in my opinion. Joel Schumacher then took over the series and proceeded to shit all over it.
Gotham City during Christmas time is an interesting backdrop. Keaton is solid as Batman, Michelle Pfeiffer is damn sexy as Catwoman, and Danny DeVito as Penguin was over-the-top and entertaining. Let’s not forget about Christopher Walken. Anything with Walken gets a 0.5 extra in my book.
The first Lethal Weapon was by far the best of in the series, taking place in Los Angeles, California during Christmas time. Mel Gibson, a crazy person playing the role of a crazy person is excellent casting. Danny “I’m getting to old for this shit” Glover pairs amazingly well with Gibson. Gibson and Glover pretty much created the dynamic of mismatched buddy cop movie in Lethal Weapon.
Mel Gibson being Mel Gibson
Lethal Weapon has no shortage of explosions, shootouts, car chases, as well as funny dialogue between Gibson and Glover. Also GARY FUCKING BUSEY! Again, bonus points for Busey. Wrap all of these things together and you got yourself a solid Christmas movie.
Many folks have made the argument that Die Hard is the perfect action movie. I’m in that camp. Do you know that Die Hard was initially pitched as a sequel to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Commando, a fine action film in its own right? Schwarzenegger turned the film down. The movie was then shopped around a bit, before settling on Bruce Willis, who was not known for being an action hero at the time, but rather his comedic roles in television series like Moonlighting.
Taking place on Christmas Eve, NYPD detective McLane goes off to LA to try and patch things up with his wife when things go all to hell, thanks to a preppy, pre Hogwarts Professor Snape and his merry band of eastern European terrorists.
Die Hard is pretty much the standard for action movies where the hero goes against all odds to save the day. Funny one-liners are in abundance, including my favorite, “Now I have a machine gun. HO HO HO.”
Starring a young Dan Aykroyd and Eddie Murphy, fresh from Saturday Night Live, Trading Places is one of my favorite comedies. Taking place during the holidays in Philadelphia, it’s a hilarious fish out of water / prince and a pauper comedy. Also, let’s not forget that a young and nubile Jamie Lee Curtis is also in the film and she’s not shy when it comes to showing off her assets.
There are so many classic lines in this movie. Aykroyd and Murphy has some real chemistry together. This is a must watch whenever I catch it on TV.
Gremlins has some solid pedigree. Touted at its release as a horror comedy, it was executive produced by Steven Spielberg and written by Chris Columbus, who would go onto to direct some solid movies himself, including another Christmas classic, Home Alone.
Gremlins was heavily marketed in the 80’s. Kids went crazy for the cute and cuddly Gizmo. I recall seeing Gizmo toys everywhere. However, the movie is not what I would call kid friendly. There’s some seriously scary and dark shit in this movie. Gremlins, along with another Spielberg movie, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom led the way for the MPAA having to create the PG-13 rating as these movies were not certainly not PG, but not quite R.
This certainly will not give children nightmares.
By far, the creepiest and darkest scene in the movie is when Kate, played by the not unattractive Phoebe Cates, recalls the tale of her father’s untimely death during Christmas. View at your own risk.
Phoebe Cates, who’s responsible for causing so many erections in Fast Times at Ridgemont High is also responsible for telling the most depressing story of all time, making it impossible to get an erection, hereby bringing balance to the universe. If you watched the video above, I’m sorry for making you all depressed. Just watch the video below and all will be right again.
There you have it, my personal list of favorite unconventional Christmas movies where things go BOOM and some sexy time for good measure. Go ahead and check these out during the holidays. You will not be disappointed.
Did I miss any? Of course I have. This list is only my personal top five. Go ahead and let me know what some of your favorite unconventional Christmas movies are in the comments.
Back in July, I played and reviewed the iOS game Kim Kardashian’s Hollywood. At the time, I believed that this was by far the shallowest and most atrocious example of celebrity video game garbage I have ever played. I was wrong. DO YOU HEAR ME? I WAS WROOOOOOOOOONG!
I WAS WROOOOOONG!
Kim Kardashian’s: Hollywood is a masterpiece when compared to Lindsay Lohan’s the Price of Fame. At least the developers at Glu Games Inc. put a modicum of effort into Kardashian’s game. Lindsay must’ve paid Space Inch, the developers of her game, in drugs and booze (Lohan’s currency of choice actually) as this is the only way to explain how this abomination came to be.
Here's the down payment.
Once starting the game, you will notice quotes from various people lamenting the price one pays for fame. Some of these people I’ve heard of, but others I have no clue and I’m too lazy to look them up in Google, because honestly, who gives a shit.
The quotes all have a similar theme. In essence, they all lament that fame is not what it’s all cracked up to be. BULLSHIT! I’m so sorry to hear that Julie Roberts has a case of the frownies because her life is so damn hard. According to Julia, you don’t want to be rich and famous like her. It’s a lot of responsibility. It’s a lot of pressure. NOW OUT OF MY WAY PEASANT AND BUY MY FUCKING MOVIES!
Much like Kardashian’s game, The Price of Frame starts off by having you create your own celebutard. As always, my goal was to create something truly hideous. Again, there are apparently no hideous people in Lohan’s world, much like Kardashian’s, but there are freaks. Oh so many freaks. In the end, I was satisfied with the character I created.
Max Douchey: Hipster Pimp
Now, onto the game play. Did I say game play? Sorry, force of habit. This game actually doesn’t have any type of game play, unless your idea of fun is vigorously swiping your screen over and over again. Essentially, a fan appears on your screen, you swipe up, launching them into the sky, they then apparently plummet to their deaths as a new fan appears. This is how you gain fans. The faster you swipe, the more fans you get, the more fans you get, the more money you earn, and more useless crap unlocks so that you can purchase it, hence getting more fans and more money.
Lindsay laughs maniacally as her fans plummet to their deaths.
BEWARE: Playing this game in public will cause strangers to stare at you. Frantically swiping a phone is not how a normal person uses said phone. The monotony of such a game mechanic makes you look like a tool. I felt like a monkey at a zoo maniacally masturbating while people gawked at me.
Me at Applebee's
There are ways that you can increase how many fans you get per swipe or even let the game earn you fans without doing anything, because apparently this game can be too physically taxing on the gamer. I believe that this was the developer’s attempt to add some depth… poorly.
“Publicity Investments,” such as handing out fliers, starting a Twitter feud with another celebrity, or faking your own death can be purchased once you amass enough fans. Then you can sit back and watch the fans roll in while doing lines of coke off a toilet seat in a public bathroom, JUST LIKE LINDSAY!
You can also get more fans per swipe by taking part in “Conspicuous Consumption.” Just like a real celebutard, you can purchase expensive and useless crap like coconut water, get ass implants (one cheek at a time, obviously), buy a pet elephant, or slaughter the aforementioned elephant and make an ivory pen out of its tusks. This is a really classy game.
Lastly, once you’ve built enough of a fan base, you can build your entourage, so that you earn fans even when the app is closed, because really, you need as many reasons as possible NOT to play this game. Go ahead and befriend frat dudes, glee club kids, a Saudi prince, or a bag of puppies to earn fans while you’re at a luxe detox facility in Malibu, because they’re going to confiscate your phone anyway. Sadly, you cannot beat said bag of puppies with a led pipe to gain even more fans. The developers obviously did not think this entirely through.
No game of this ilk would be complete without micro transactions and there is no shortage of that here. You can pay $0.99 to double your fan base, or $1.99 get 3.2 million fans instantly. Also, just like Lindsay Lohan herself, there can be instances where you get into a wee bit of trouble. You can bite the bullet and lose some fans, or you can pay $0.99 for a legal defense.
Micro transactions are not the only way to monetize gamers in Lindsay Lohan’s: The Price of Fame. I hope you like being bombarded with ads, because there’s no shortage of that either. After playing for a certain amount of time you’ll get asked to download Caesar’s Casino. Not interested? No problem, they’ll prompt you again in five minutes just in case you’ve had a change of heart.
Even the New York Times advertises on the game, which is just sad. I know that the Times is struggling, but I didn’t realize they were that deep into the shit.
Is that coke? LINDSAY WANTS TO KNOW IF THAT'S COKE!
Also, I hope you like shows on Fox, because you’ll be seeing this lot.
This is still a thing?
Some ads however, are more tolerable than others.
Let’s talk about some of the fans you can unlock, none of which are based on insensitive stereotypes.
Totally not a gay man.
Totally not a racial stereotype.
And then there’s this unfortunate dog with what appears to be a flaccid uncircumcised penis.
I really can’t recommend this game. If you must play a celebrity based game, you’re better off with Kim Kardashian’s: Hollywood. (Can’t believe I actually said that).
I give this game 1.0 Lohan’s falling onto a cactus out of 5.
Now, let’s hope LiLo doesn’t read Destructoid or she’s going to sue my ass.
PS: Lindsay, please don't sue me. I still think you're hot. I hope you get your shit together and make comeback.
Couple weeks back, I was browsing the interwebs pretending to work, when I came across an interesting TED Talk about gaming. What made it even more interesting was that it was presented by third grader Cordell Steiner. The presentation was called 'Individualization, failure and fun', and I’m hundred percent certain that his parent’s helped him this.
Here’s the presentation, in its entirety. It’s just over 5 minutes long. Go ahead, I’ll wait.
First things first, he really gets on my nerves. There’s nothing more annoying than a precocious kid who talks like an adult. There’s something disturbing about it – something, unnatural. It gives me the heebie-jeebies, like watching a spider or millipede scurry across the floor.
You may be surprised by this reaction, since I have written many times that I’m a father myself, and you may be under the incorrect assumption that parents love children in general. You would be only half right. I love my daughter, more than anything in the world. Every other child is intolerable, and should be seen not heard.
I don’t want to be cruel, especially towards an argyle sweater clad third-grader, but his entire “talk” concerning games in the classroom is a non-issue. Before watching the video, I assumed that he was going to make a plea for mainstream and commercial games like Call of Duty, or GTA, stating how they improve problem solving or hand-eye coordination or some other stupid cliché shit.
To my surprise, he was speaking of educational games, which his third-grade teacher, Mr. Pie (TEE HEE!), assigns to his students. He goes into how the games assigned to him and his classmates are individualized, so that everyone can learn at their own pace and how fun it is. He waxes eloquently on how his teacher, the so called Mr. Pie (if that’s even his real name!) “rocks”, and how cutting edge he is. The little scamp even nonchalantly drops that he’s an “advanced learner.” Perhaps Mr. Pie should teach a lesson on humility next week.
Maybe I’m being tough on the kid. There’s a very good possibility that I’m harboring a wee bit of jealousy, towards a child no less, since no one has asked ME to do a TED talk. Sometimes, when I’m home alone with the dog, I like to give an impromptu TED talk to an audience of one. The wife may be out shopping, or visiting her mother, and I’ll just be inspired to give a kick ass presentation to the dog like a fucking BOSS! When I’m done, I feel fantastic. Maybe the dog will be awestruck by my rhetorical eloquence. Then she’ll lick her own ass and leave the room. MY DOG DOES NOT APPRECIATE MY IDEAS!
After watching the video, I decided to do a bit of research. When I say research, I’m referring to speaking with my wife, who just so happens to be a teacher with seven years of experience, and also currently teaches the third grade. COINCIDENCE!?!?
Actually it’s totally a coincidence. And aliens.
Do kids no longer have access to educational computer games in school? When I was in elementary school, back in the 80’s, when big hair was in and Michael Jackson was legitimately cool, we played tons of games on Apple IIe computers.
Matter of fact, the possibility to play a game on those old Apple machines was a bit of distraction. Many of the classrooms in my elementary school had only one and maybe two computers if you were lucky. The urgency to get your work done first for the chance to play a game on the computer led to some Lord of the Flies style shenanigans. It was not a pretty site when two kids finished their work at the same time and rushed the teacher to get permission to boot up the computer and play a game.
Little Simon got the message. He'll read a book silently in the corner.
Things have changed over the years however. Having visited my wife’s classroom multiple times, I’ve noticed that she has five desktops in the back of the room for her students. I asked if her students play educational games on those machines and she said that they do all the time. All of the computers are loaded with educational games and the browsers are bookmarked to hundreds of educational Flash sites.
So frankly speaking, what the hell is Cordell Steiner talking about? This is a non-issue. Maybe he’s speaking about schools in poorer areas, where they do not have the budgets to facilitate video games in the classroom, but he never states that in his talk. If that’s the case, then this is societal issue. I really can’t blame Cordell for that GLARING error though, since he’s just a kid, albeit a self proclaimed “advanced” one. I blame Mr. Pie.
...And his parents for dressing him in that HORRIBLE sweater
Okay, enough on TED talks! Let us take a trip down memory lane, where acid wash jeans were worn non ironically, MTV played actual music videos, and Playboy Magazine had more bush than a botanical garden in summertime.
That's a big bush
Spieler Dad’s Top 5 Apple IIe Educational Games from the 80’s
5. Math Blaster
All that I remember about this game was how cool the title was. In the 80’s anything with the word “blaster” in it was cool... probably. It reminded me of the NES game Blaster Master as well as the totally cool Master Blaster character from the movie Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. Sadly, Math Blaster has nothing in common with each of these things.
WHO RUNS BARTER TOWN!
4. Where in the USA is Carmen Sandiego
I had the hots for Carmen Sandiego when I was in grade school. Carmen Sandiego, for a fictitious female thief is not unattractive. The red hair, the fedora, the sultry come hither glare, she’s a pre-pubescent boy’s dream come true. Was she a Latin? Pretty sure she was a Latin. I’d say she’s probably from Argentina. That means she’s red blooded and fiery.
I vividly remember Where in the USA is Carmen Sandiego being so much harder than Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego. What can I say, even as a child, I was so much worldlier and sophisticated. The borders of the United States could not contain me.
3. Oregon Trail
This is the game that made shitting one’s self to death into a meme.
Every Brooklynite hipster has the t-shirt.
2. Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego
Did I mention that I had a crush on Carmen Sandiego? Sometimes, while playing this game, I used to fantasize that I was part of some international crime fighting task force, akin to Interpol. Carmen was smart, but no match for my wits. I will pursue her to the ends of the earth and I will capture her. She will crumble under my interrogation and we will give in to the sexual tension. We will then run off together becoming the most formidable art heist syndicate known to the world. Our lair will be a stately villa on the shores of Como. Antiquities and famous objets d’art will not be safe. We’ll sip cordials from our terrazzo while planning our next big heist, before retiring to our boudoir for a night of passion.
1. Odell Lake
This game was my favorite. I’m not even sure that this game could be defined as being educational. You were a fish. You ate other fish. You tried not be eaten by bigger fish or caught by anglers. I’m not sure what this game was trying to teach. Maybe it was a commentary on society? Was it teaching the big fish little pond theory? Maybe it was trying to teach kids about the dog eats dog mentality of our society?
Or maybe this game was designed by a bunch of Minnesotan stoners and this is about being a fish. The world will never know.
It’s a mystery.