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About
A relatively new dad telling tales on what life is like as a gamer and a father.

- I'm the youngest of two children with one older sister.

- I'm first generation American as my parents were born in Italy.

- Married to a wonderful wife and have an amazing daughter who makes me laugh and smile every day.

- Hobbies include exercise, reading, writing, sci-fi, film, and of course, video games.




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It' E3 time, that wonderful time of year where game companies from around the world converge on LA to showcase their latest and greatest wares to their adoring fans. By the way, when I say their adoring fans, I mean Walmart, Target, Gamestop, and pretty much anyone who doesn't play videogames, but rather sells them.

Did I burst your bubble there? Did I ruin the myth for you? Was my statement akin to telling a small child that Santa Claus is not real? Well I'm sorry, but if it's any consolation Belsnickel is very real and he's waiting for you, at home, in your closet.



Don't get me wrong, E3 is great, but it's not really for the gamers, per se. Sure, gamers wait all year long to watch and see what's coming down the pike, but it's true intention is to get the retailers moist. Thatís why itís called a trade show, you see. †Yes, itís an opportunity to show off, even to each other. How great was it seeing Shigeru Miyamoto donning the Oculus Rift? Imagine the possibilities of that. (By the by, I just imagined the possibilities and I was not impressed.)



Gamers get all weak in the knees by all the announcements, but we're not the real target audience here. The game companies are trying to woo the major retailers by essentially saying "LOOK AT THIS SHIT! ISN'T IT GREAT? YOU TOTALLY NEED TO STOCK YOUR SHELVES WITH THIS. PLACE YOUR ORDERS NOW!" And we wonder why game companies release sequel after sequel of the same shit every year. Because itís safe, and it sells and retailer donít like risking valuable real estate in their stores on things that are not safe and a sure thing and sell sell sell goddamnit! It looks good on their spreadsheets, then they get big bonuses, and then they blow it all on coke and hookers. (Probably not true.)



E3 is meant for the trolls that crawled out from under their bridge in Bentonville, Arkansas, no longer satiated by devouring the souls of their minimum wage workers. Gamers, like you and I are an afterthought, the suits from Wal-Mart are who the gaming companies are trying to impress here, and thatís a fact.

Thatís why I always get a chuckle when the gaming media asks the question, ďWho won E3?Ē Because the answer is simple really, the retailers, thatís who. And then the Wal-Mart executives head back to Bentonville, after a week of wining and dining, where they can go back to their true purpose, running the most miserable and shitty big box stores imaginable.



You know what would be really great though? What if E3 really did have a winner, where it wasnít the retailers, and it was decided by a gold old-fashioned brawl, with fists and makeshift weapons? Now that would be fucking sweet.

Iím not the only who looks at Nintendo of America CEO Reggie Fils-Aime and is immediately intimidated by the man. Iím not a small guy, but I wouldnít want to run into this guy in a dark alley. If I saw him coming up the street, Iíd probably just hand him my wallet, and stab myself in the face, no questions asked. No doubt I would give Nintendo the edge in any gang brawl if he were leading the way. Reggie is always claiming that he wants to kick someoneís ass, wouldnít it be great to actually see him do it?



However, did anyone else notice that Xbox boss Phil Spencer was looking pretty jacked during the Microsoft presser? The dude has been apparently working out, hitting the weights. I imagine him in his office, doing chin-ups and old-timey exercises, like Travis Bickel from Taxi Driver or Jerry Seinfeldís uncle. Spencer, motivated by the shit show he inherited from whatís his face. After every pull-up grunting out a solitary word, like ďKINECTĒ, †ď24-HOUR ONLINE HANDSHAKEĒ, and ďDonÖÖ MATTRICK!Ē


HELLO!



How great would it be if at the end of the show, all the executives from all the major game companies, console makes, publishers, and developers all met out in the parking and just beat the ever loving shit out of each other, like a bunch od old school 1950ís greaser toughs? A battle royal, if you will, to prove once and for all, who won E3.

Iíd imagine it would be like something from the movie the Outsiders. If you havenít seen this, then you should for a multitude of reasons. Number 1, it has the Karate Kid himself, Ralph Macchio -- the original Karate Kid and not that bullshit with Will Smithís fucking son. Go ruin someone elseís childhood memories spawn of Will and Jada Smith.

Number 2, it has a pre-Scientology Tom Cruise in it, with what is quite possibly the worst teeth imaginable at the time for Hollywood. L. Ron Hubbard corpse probably paid to get that shit capped from beyond the grave. We canít have a snaggle tooth being the face of our made up crazy ass religion!



Lastly, it had the late great Patrick Swayze of Road House, quite possibly the finest film ever conceived and stored onto celluloid. The ladies will remember him from other movies like Ghost and Dirty Dancing (No one puts Baby in the Corner.)



However, the gaming industry is all about glitzy entertainment now, so maybe the all out brawl would be something more stylized, something akin to West Side Story, where the Sharks and the Jets have a dance fight, TO THE DEATH!

Just picture it, for a moment, Nintendo, Microsoft, and Sony, snapping their fingers and smoking cigarettes as they prepare to brawl out in the streets, choreographed to a jazzy ensemble. Who will win? Who cares! Just sit back and be entertained.



Will this ever happen? I doubt it. The lawyers will never let it. All it takes is one marketing executive getting stabbed with a switchblade and itíll be all about lawsuits, and public endangerment, and murder, and manslaughter and BLAH BLAH BLAH.

This doesnít stop me from dreaming that one day this cold be a reality. I like to picture Phil Spencer putting Reggie Fils-Aime in a headlock while wailing on him with this free arm. I can see Satoru Iwate, swinging a two by four with nails sticking out of, as all the other executives cower away in fear. Maybe Miyamoto will use his banjo as a weapon? It is a dream that will never come true however, so I guess, weíll never know who actually won E3.
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The World Cup is just around the corner and fans of the "beautiful game" are waiting with baited breath on whether the historic tournament is going to be reduced to a shit show consisting of poor refereeing, racist chants, and hooliganism. Good luck with that Brazil and FIFA organizers. Iím rooting for you. (Not really)

Even the Logo looks like someone doing a face palm.

Whether you refer to the beautiful game as football, futbol, calcio, soccer (for the Aussies out there), or DURRRR this is not real FOOTBAWL! (HEY AMERICA!), there is one thing that the sport has an unfortunate connection with , and that is hooliganism. Just like with a lot of things, a few bad apples ruin it for the bunch.

Hooliganism in itself is a violent and physical form of fanaticism. It can consist of verbal abuse, but it can also become physically violent, where fans will attack fans of opposing teams, attack players of the opposing team, and at times even attack players of the team they apparently support.

Hooligans give the game of soccer a bad name, much in the same way that fanboys give gamers a bad name. I will freely admit that during my younger days, I would have classified myself as a Sega fanboy where I would harass my friends and classmates who were Nintendo fans and vice versa. However, this was playground banter any never amounted to anything more than kids being kids, no different than boys arguing which superhero was the coolest.

The answer to that question is obviously Batman.

The days of Nintendo fans versus Sega fans had an innocence to it and yet, as the gamer demographic began to skew older and online communications began to grow via the ever expanded use of the internet, things got less innocent and a lot more serious.

I never quite understood why some folks find the need to turn conversations in comments and message boards toxic against fans of other consoles. Maybe I just became an old man shaking his cane at the neighborhood kids cutting across his lawn and Iím simply out of touch. Perhaps itís the disposable income that comes with getting older and moving up the ranks in business that allows me to own multiple consoles and not feel like I have to defend my decision with whatever brand I chose. Perhaps some people are just fucking assholes and like to shit on other people.

Before becoming a dad, I used to go to a lot of live sporting events, mostly football and baseball games. Without fail, there would be a fan or group of fans that would spew the most vile and racist shit Iíve ever heard. To make matters worse, they were supporting the same team I was, but their goal, unlike mine, was not to go to a game, throw back a few beers and enjoy one’s self, but rather become the center of attention and ruin the experience for everyone around them.

Iíve seen grown fucking men make fun of a young Jewish boy wearing a yarmulke at a New York Jets game to the point where he started to get tears in his eyes. Iíve also seen men at a Yankees game make racist comments to Hideki Matsui. The stereotypical and vulgar comments that they taunted him are not even worth repeating, and yet these were Yankee fans, taunting a Japanese man, who just so happen to be playing for the fucking Yankees.

I also want to point out that this is far from an American problem. Footballers of African descent are under constant attack at stadiums throughout Europe, not just from opposing fans, but from their own teamís fans as well.

Itís not uncommon for fans to throw bananas onto the pitch at opposing black players as well as taunting them monkey sounds whenever they touched the ball. I confronted a friend of mine who lives in Italy about this once, on how this is blatantly racist behavior. He defended himself saying that the fans were not racist, that whenever they made monkey noises at one of their players, they did it out of respect and Italians could not be racist. According to him, racism is strictly an American problem. We were drinking heavily during this conversation so maybe I hallucinated the entire thing.

In Italy, when you like someone, you throw bananas at them, right? RIGHT!?!

You know where else you can encounter random acts of racism? Go online and play some multiplayer. Hang out in any random game lobby and some prick will eventually go on some tirade spewing every racial and homophobic slur imaginable. The only difference is that many times these slurs and targeted to anyone and everyone, whether theyíre black or gay, who knows? You can say that these individuals feel emboldened by the anonymity that comes with being online.

I would also like to add that the same types of people who poison game lobbies very often are the ones who grief their own teammates during a game. Instead of just enjoying the game, they want to make it about them. Not too dissimilar to the racist chants at soccer stadiums or someone throwing a banana onto a field.



Just like racist hooligans at a sporting event, the racist gamers lurking in multiplayer ruin the experience for everyone, however you can always mute them, then seek them out in the game and take them out. I wouldnít suggest doing that to some asshole fan in real life, unless you want to get arrested.

So what is one to do with the griefers, racists and generally the assholes that you find online? Personally, I mute them pretty much automatically and eventually block them so that I never have to encounter them again. Not too different to what I do with the assholes that I encounter in real life actually. Iíd rather tune people out or avoid them than getting into a argument that can escalate into something stupid. For whatever reason, I also rarely report people for bad behavior, both online and in real life situations with hooligans and racists. My hope is that someone else will do it. I would rather not get involved.

As I got older, Iíd rather avoid conflict whenever possible. Unless someone is attacking me or my family, Iíll let someone else get involved. My days of scuffling are over.

So how do you guys deal with assholes, both virtually and in real life? Do you tune them out and give them a disapproving glare, like me, do you say something, report them, or go in with your dukes up, like an old timey boxer?

Let me know in the comments.

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Itís hard to trying to pigeonhole what industry the videogame most closely resembles. I personally hate comparing videogames to any other industry since the videogame industry is so unique in its own right. The general consensus, however is that the film industry has the most in common with the videogame industry and thatís a fair assessment I suppose. One could even say that the videogame has been trying to emulate Hollywood in terms of how to develop and market games, especially when it comes to blockbuster titles.

Comparing Hollywood blockbusters and videogame blockbusters is not that far fetched. One just needs to take a look at what type of films do the best and compare them to the type of games that fly off the shelves. Hollywood loves the big budget summer action movies and holiday fantasy flicks. In turn, the gaming industry loves shooters, action and fantasy RPGs, many of which have budgets that rival and even surpass the films that they are trying to emulate. However, the type of films that win Oscars are usually more subdued. The videogame industry puts its big budget blockbusters on a pedestal, but a shift may just be starting to occur.

There is one type of film that videogames rarely try emulate, and that is the emotional tearjerker. Yes, there were games that may have had moments that made you misty eyed, but it has never been the actual premise of the game, until now that is.


The tearjerker chick flick is still years off though.

Take a movie like Schindlerís List, Terms of Endearment, or even Toy Story 3. I would reckon that the goal of these movies is to provoke some deep thought and turn one into a blubbering, sobbing idiot before the end credits roll. Games havenít done a very good job of at getting this response. Games are great at getting our adrenaline pumping in shooters, or contemplating deep issues in some RPGs, but getting one to cry? Not so much. That Dragon, Cancer an independent title being developed by Ryan Green as well as Valiant Hearts from Ubisoft, could very well be two titles that could change the way games are perceived and add a new genre to the industry, the poignant tearjerker.

That Dragon, Cancer, is the story of Ryan Green and son Joel, who was diagnosed with a rare and deadly form of cancer. Green, a veteran programmer, who has worked in the videogame industry for many years, found a release by developing a very special type of game.


Image from That Dragon, Cancer

You are in Greenís shoes, as a father, caring for his son, as he battles the disease. In essence, a point and click game with an interesting art style, the goal is to make Joel comfortable during chemotherapy treatments, get him to eat and drink, play with him, or simply distract him to take his mind off the pain. Goals are not always clear-cut and sometimes the only way to proceed is to stop and pray. Youíll experience the highs as well as the extreme lows that the Green family felt, in a way that a film could not due to it being interactive. Simply put, this is a special game. One could say that this is a major departure for games. Youíre not defeating terrorism, slaying a monster, saving the galaxy, or rescuing a princess, you are simply caring for your son. Whatís the ultimate goal? Simply put, there isnít one. Just like life, itís day to day.

This may be tough to swallow for some gamers for a multitude of reasons. Games are supposed to be an escape from reality. Itís an opportunity for one to take a break from the mundane day-to-day life and be a hero. Thereís also the question of religion, which is an integral part of this game, which many folks may be turned off by. Even if you are religious, you may not want to play a game with religious overtones, and that is understandable.

Personally, That Dragon, Cancer is a game that I have decided not to play and it has nothing to do with religion or not having enough action, but because Iím a father myself, and this game would just be too painful to play, most likely turning me turning into a blubbering, hysterical wreck. Having kids will do that to you.

Not to sound clichť, but when I became a dad, and held my daughter for the first time, in the delivery room, you come to a realization that everything has changed. Iím not talking about free time, sleep, money or any other trivial bullshit, but rather where you put yourself, personally, in the grand scheme of things. As I held, my slimy and screaming daughter for the first time, her well-being and happiness became tantamount to everything else. As I held her, I thought to myself, I will give you everything that I have to ensure you are safe, even if it is my own life. Yes, I know, HOW MELODRAMATIC! Yet, thatís the truth.

I could point out a few instances where my daughter has hurt herself. As she wailed and cried, I would hold her trying to calm her down and pray for her pain to go away. A part of me would even pray for her pain to leave and enter me, so I could bare it for her, just like in Cocoon Part 2, starring Wilford Brilmley of ďI have DIABEETUSĒ and Quaker Oats commercials, where an old dude takes his wifeís cancer and then dies at her bedside.


DIABEETUS!

One day, while my wife had a late night at work, I had my daughter all to myself. She just started walking recently and was wobbling around the house. I encouraged her to walk and play, as I was a proud papa. BEHOLD! THE FRUIT OF MY LOINS WALKS!

I took my eyes off her just for a moment, she tripped and face planted right into the hardwood floor. She began screaming bloody murder. I picked her up, trying to soothe her and realized that she had the slightest cut on her lip and she was bleeding. That sight made me feel as if someone stabbed me right in the gut with a red-hot ice pick. ďIíM A SHITTY FATHER!Ē I thought to myself.

I got her an ice pack and rocked her back and forth until she finally started to calm down. As I carried her around the house trying to soothe her, I passed by a mirror and noticed that my eyes were all welled up with tears. Seeing my own flesh and blood in distress made me, a grown man, into a teary eyed idiot. I turned into a massive pussy.

This simple accident, in the grand scheme of things was nothing. Kids are going to fall and hurt themselves. Thatís a part of life, and yet, as a parent, you do all that you can to protect them, and when you fail, you feel like a shitty parent. With that said, I could not fathom what Ryan Green went through caring for his son.

Since we have already concluded that when it comes to my kid and really, anyoneís kids, Iím a massive pussy, so Iím going to pass in playing That Dragon, Cancer. I hope that many others give it a shot and give this game some much needed attention. I think it is very brave for Green to share such a hard time of his life through the medium of videogames. I hope that people take it seriously and the media looks at this as an example of a mature, poignant game that has nothing to do with violence, but rather the human spirit.


The Green Family

Sadly, Joel Green lost his battle with cancer on March 13, 2014. He was 5-years-old. His spirit will live on though, through his parents and siblings, and through his game. That Dragon, Cancer is planned to be released on the Ouya microconsole first and hopefully followed by releases on other platforms later. A documentary is also in the works detailing the development of the game.

To read more about That Dragon, Cancer, please go to game's blog here. Itís a good read and well worth your time.
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The Oculus Rift is going to be the beeís knees. Itís going to revolutionize the industry and change the way that we play games, FOREVER. Why, in fifty years, our children and grand children are going to look back a how positively cavemanish we were, playing videogames, on a TV, like and animal.

I would like to let you in a little secret though, and tell you that virtual reality is nothing new. It has been done before in videogames, all of them spectacular failures, mind you, however, maybe Oculus has found a way to break through and create something that will change how we play games. Time surely will tell. In the meantime, letís take a stroll down memory lane and dig up some of the more embarrassing moments of virtual reality technology. Itíll be like the time your parents broke out the baby pictures of you in the bath, showing them to you boyfriend/girlfriend. How delightfully embarrassing!

Virtual Reality wasnít the sexy Scarlett Johansenesc (Brad Pittish for the ladies out there) beast it is today. In its infancy, it was cute, but like all babies, useless, and will likely you give you headache and regret the decision for not pulling out when you had the chance. (I KID! I KID!...... but seriously).

SegaScope 3D for the Sega Master System, 1985



The SegaScope 3D was the cute, infancy stage of home 3D technology. Sure, it wasnít true virtual reality, but it was the first time for many gamers to play games in 3D at home.

The SegaScope 3D was an interesting concept, but boy was this thing hunk of shit. First things first, the glasses looked like a pair of ďfit-over glasses.Ē These are the glasses that old people in Florida wear, who are too cheap to buy prescription sunglasses. So they buy enormous fit-over glasses that go over their regular reading glasses that they purchased from Sears Optical. Did Sega just happen upon some surplus granny glasses and decided to use it as the base for their 3D glasses? Iím going to say, with out a shadow of doubt that the answer to that is YES! (Iím probably wrong.)



One did not look cool wearing this device and this is an ongoing issue with any type of wearable tech. You will look like an asshole. This is particularly true for any type of technology that you wear on your face, but especially for the SegaScope 3D. Donning these things made you look like an octogenarian sitting by the shuffleboard courts at the Del Boca Vista active adult retirement community in Boca Raton Florida. Not a good lookÖ trust me.

I got a pair of SegaScope 3D glasses for my Master System one year for Christmas along with a copy of Zaxxon 3D. Boy was excited when I ripped the wrapping paper off and witnessed this futuristic bit of technology. It did not take me long to be disappointed.

I recall that the glasses needed to be connected to the console via the front facing card slot. The cable, which was just a simple headphone style plug, was relatively short, so you would have to be seated close to the TV. By connecting to the console, the glasses strobed from lens to lens, giving a primitive 3D effect to what was on the screen.



The strobing allowed me to encounter for the first time, the splendor of migraine headaches. Not to mention, Zaxxon 3D sucked, along with the handful of other 3D games Sega put out, which I didnít even bother playing.

Lastly, these glasses were cheaply made. To my horror, one of the arms (is that what theyíre called?) broke. My father was able to fix it with duct tape, because of course he fixed it with duct tape. Heís a dad and thatís what dadsí do, fix things with duct tape.

Nintendo Virtual Boy, 1995



If the SegaScope 3D was the infancy stage of 3D and virtual reality, then the Virtual Boy would have been the awkward early teen years. What a fantastic time! Youíre becoming a man or a young lady. You have some serious hormones pumping through your veins. The slightest, most innocent thing reminds you of sex. Too bad your complexion is eerily close to an overcooked pizza, your voice cracks uncontrollably, and your body is growing in rapid spurts, making you an uncoordinated goofy mess. God luck getting some stink on your hag down in that condition champ.

The Virtual Boy did have something going for it though, and that was the genius and pedigree of esteemed Nintendo engineer Gunpei Yokoi, the inventor of the Gameboy. Unfortunately for Nintendo and Yokoi, the Virtual Boy was a disaster.

I remember the hype leading up the release of the Virtual Boy vividly. It was touted as a 32-bit, virtual reality, 3D capable, ďportableĒ system. Notice what I did there, putting ďportableĒ in quotation marks? Because itís ďportableĒ, in the same way as a 19-inch TV is portable, in that I can disconnect it from its original location, carry it somewhere else, and then plug it in and watch it, in that new location.



The system had another flaw, in that it could only display shades of red, forgoing color to minimize cost. Nintendo promised that the Virtual Boy would ďimmerse players into their own private universe.Ē I guess that would be true, if your private universe was some sort of surreal existential nightmare where color ceases to exist and is replaced with varying shades of red and black.



The Virtual Boy was a commercial failure. The high price, lack of quality games, the fact that it gave people headaches, dizziness, and nausea after extended use didnít help much either. It also wasnít true Virtual Reality, as critics complained that it did not have head tracking. Gameplay was essentially 3D on 2D plain.

The saddest thing about the Virtual Boy is the unsubstantiated rumor that Nintendo laid the blame of systemís failure on its creator, Gunpei Yokoi. The Virtual Boy was discontinued in late 1995 in Japan and in early 1996 in the U.S. Yokoiís last project, before leaving Nintendo after a 31-year career there was the iconic Gameboy Pocket.

After leaving Nintendo, Yokoi-san joined Bandai, where he created a rival handheld, called the Wonderswan. Various iterations sold modestly in Japan, but were never able to gain sufficient traction and were totally outclassed by the Gameboy brand.

Sadly, in October 4, 1997, Gunpei Yokoi was killed in an auto accident.

Atari Jaguar VR Headset, 1995 / Never Released



The Atari Jaguar 3D can be best described as that awkward time in your life after high school, where your not quite sure which niche you belong to. This is different for everyone, but I imagine the Jaguar VR as that Goth kid at the mall. At some point, he decided to dye his hair black, put on ďguy-linerĒ, took up smoking cloves cigarettes, began writing really dark poetry, and started listening to the Cure. Heís confused, just trying to experiment, and itís just a phase that heíll grow out of.



For the record, the Jaguar VR Headset never saw the light of day. It was vaporware in the truest sense of the term. Units were shown off at trade shows, but they were just a rebranded unit from a VR company whose name totally escapes me and research online is coming up empty, so fuck it, just take my word for it.

Atari, who was getting its ass kicked in the mid nineties from Sega and Nintendo, tried to shake things up and drum up interest in the fledgling Jaguar by announcing the VR headset. Atari originally planned two types of units, a ďblue and greyĒ high-resolution model and the ďblack and redĒ low resolution. The only game playable at tradeshows on prototype equipment was Missile Command 3D.

In 1996, when Atari merged with JTS, the project was canned, and most of the prototypes were destroyed. Two units did survive however, and came up on eBay in January 2013. The starting bid was $14,500. Not sure if anyone actually bid on the damn things. Waste of money if you ask me. Buy some coke and hookers, youíll have a much better time and wonít regret the decision as much a day later.

The Future



VR is now taking another stab at infiltrating the home. We have not one, not two, but three companies vowing to make affordable and technically impressive VR for the home a reality. Oculus, Sony, and now Samsung are going to go head to head with their respective headsets. I wouldnít be surprised if Microsoft decides to join the fray as well. More competition usually means a better product. Hopefully, this is virtual realityís chance as a technology to mature, into a voluptuous, wise, and adventurous cougar of a lady, ala Sofia Vergara (George Clooney for the ladies). No longer awkward and odd, but sophisticated.

No if only they can make people not look like complete assholes when wearing the tech, then we can all be happy campers.
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Being a gamer sure has a lot of high points. †We get to partake in a medium that is at the cutting edge of technology and storytelling. We gamers get to experience the genius of some of the finest modern artists and storytellers. Gaming has truly come into its own, differentiating itself from other mediums, like film and TV. Itís not all unicorn farts and rainbow puke however; being a gamer can have its low points.

5. Are you some kind of man-child or geek?



Thereís nothing I canít stand more than getting that disapproving look when I eventually get around to telling someone that Iím a gamer. Iíve written about this before recently and seriously, these folks can simply kiss my ass.

ďOh, youíre a gamer. Isnít that for little kids and nerds?Ē Thereís a better than average chance of hearing that whenever I mention to a stranger or new acquaintance that I enjoy playing videogames.†

Who made this person so high and mighty? Oh, you like watching reality television or are really into Fantasy Football? Those are great and amazing pastimes. That is such a better use of your time than playing videogames. Youíre so much more of well-adjusted person than I am because you spend your free time pretending to be a football coach and giving a shit about the Kardashianís. Did I spell ďKardashianĒ right? Oh who gives a fuck?

For the record, reality TV is pure garbage. I cannot tolerate it. Iíd rather heat an ice pick until itís red hot and plunge it into my eyeballs than watch the Jersey Shore, Real Housewives, or what ever else some TV executive shit out onto a board room conference table during a brainstorming session.

Videogames, for the most part, have a story to tell, are visually pleasing, and are fun. Whenever I watch any type of reality TV, whether itís the Kardashianís or Real Houswives, I want to cause harm to myself and to my television. I rarely get that reaction when playing a videogame, even though I have gotten close with the racist, anti-semetic, homophobic adolescents that can be found on Xbox Live.

4. Are you going to go postal and start shooting up the joint?



The media does a great job vilifying videogames. They really ought to be commended for spreading misinformation to the masses, turning non-stories into page view generating headlines on how games are contributing to some pretty heinous acts.

The media doesnít want to dig too deep into underlying issues, such as mental illness, non-existent parenting and poor gun control. Nope, itís the violent games that are causing people to shoot up the place. Thatís a scoop! Go ahead and publish that before the real reason some poor soul lost it and took it out on his classmates and friends.

3. Can you fix my computer?



ďOh, youíre into gaming? You must be really tech savvy. Can you tell me why I canít get onto America Online? My daughter posted pictures onto the interwebs of my grandkids, but my modem thingy is not working.Ē

Holy shit, does anyone else hear this crap? I realize that gaming is pretty high tech nowadays, but that doesnít mean that I must have a degree in computer science in order to be a gamer. The consoles and PCís that we use for gaming today are pretty impressive, but I donít know the inner workings of your eMachine with a 56k modem.

Matter of fact, I probably know less about tech now than I did fifteen years ago. The reason for that is because companies have made it so goddamn easy to do stuff. No more having to worry about drivers, and crap. Itís all about plug and play baby! †Iím just as stupid as youíre, grandpa, when shit stops working. Why donít you try unplugging it and plugging it back in? Thatís what I do when my Xbox One on PS4 starts acting funky and it works like a charm practically every time.

2. Not enough time



This is becoming more and more of a problem for me, because Iím married, have a kid, a house, a job, and all the bullshit that comes with getting older. However, not having enough time has always been a problem, but it only gets worse as you get older.

Even back in my college days, where why main objective was to be drunk and oblivious most of the time, there was still not enough time in the day. Game companies are cranking out a lot of good stuff. Thereís a quality release pretty much every month. If you have a life outside of just gaming 24/7, whether itís school, work, family, or chasing tail, thereís no way that you can play them all.

I remember back in the day, I would buy games that I wouldnít even take out of the shrink wrap. Thatís a fucking waste. Now, Iíve become a lot pickier on what I buy, and I have to ask myself before making a purchase, do I really have the time to invest in this game? †Getting old suck ass!

1. Expensive



There are other hobbies out there that are more expensive that gaming. Take golf, for example. I used to play this stupid waste of a game, until I realized what a shitty hobby it is. I spent thousands of dollars on clubs, clothes, green fees, lessons, and god knows what else. Want to know what I got out of it? Frustration to the point where I would chuck clubs into water hazards and curse up a storm that would make a sailor fucking blush.

I remember vividly the day when I quit the game for good. It was a hot sunny day in Ft. Lauderdale, FL. Iím playing on a nice course with some close friends, and every shot I took was shit. I was losing balls left and right. After shanking a relatively easy chip shot, I took my wedge, broke it over my knee, and threw it into a water hazard at some ducks. I then proceeded to drive my golf cart, like a maniac, to the clubhouse where I drank heavily until my friends were done with their round.

Gaming can be just as expensive as golf, but at least I donít scare small children and harass the local aquatic wildlife when Iím having a bad day on multiplayer. Consoles are $400 a pop, games are $60 new, Xbox Live or PSN have a fee, internet is expensive, a decent HD monitor or TV will cost you a pretty penny, and electricity is not free either you know. I also donít want to hear how PC gaming is such more economical either. Itís still expensive as hell.

Just doing the math in my head on how much I spend a year on gaming boggles my mind. I wouldnít change though, because gaming makes me happy, and when Iím happy, my wife is happy, and the dog doesnít get kicked, and itís all unicorn farts and rainbows.

In the end, gaming is just like any other hobby. There are pluses and minuses and a relatively high cost per entry. Whether itís the aforementioned golf, or fishing, auto enthusiasts, collecting crap, etc.Ö One has to make certain sacrifices and put up with a certain stigma from outsiders and non-hobbyists as well as the costs. Truth of the matter is I wouldnít give it up for the world; gaming is a part of me and always will be.

Being a gamer has so many more positives than negatives, which Iíll save for what can possibly be a future blog post. What I will say is that gaming gives me the opportunity to decompress after a long day of bullshit. It also allows me to be part of a certain fraternity (and sorority, for the feminists and those who have a vagina), where I can instantly have a kinship and understanding. All in all, the pros outweigh the cons. Sure, as with anything, it not always warm and fuzzy feelings, but what is?

Does anyone else have any other examples of why it can suck to be a gamer? Or maybe why itís great to be a gamer? Let it be known in the comments. SPEAK AND BE RECOGNIZED!
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Itís Motherís Day! That one time of year where we go out of our way to thank our mothers (and the motherís of our children for that matter) for putting up with our shit all these years. All the grey hairs and grief caused by years of mischief are postponed for a day, where moms everywhere can expect a few more hours of sleep, maybe breakfast in bed, and a bouquet of flowers. What better way to celebrate moms everywhere than a list of the worst moms from games and movies?

Yes, Iím including sci-fi and horror movies in my list, because lists of mothers in games have been done before, and I feel that movies and games go hand in hand with this list. Go ahead and give me shit for it for all I care.

10. Alien Queen (Aliens)



The queen from Aliens is actually not that bad of a mother if you think about it. All she really is doing is just watching out for her young. Ripley, in her quest to save Newt tears shit up, killing the Queenís offspring and burning up her eggs with a flamethrower. Any mother would be pissed if that happened. Itís called motherly instinct.

9. Mother Brain (Metroid)



Samus Aranís main nemesis from the Metroid series, is one cold and calculating bitch. Not to mention that she is a giant freaking brain with spike sticking out of her. I wouldnít want to bump into her at the checkout line at supermarket.

8. Norma Bates (Psycho)



Norma Bates was an abusive and terrifying mother to her son Norman. Years of chiding broke Norman down emotionally causing him major psychological issues. She preached to him constantly that all women other than her are whores and sex was essentially evil.

After living alone with his mother for years after his fatherís death, she begins dating a new man. Norman, who at this point has some pretty severe mommy issues murders both of them, making it appear like a suicide. He then puts his taxidermy skills to good and preserves his mother, so that they can be together forever.

To make matters worth, the years of abuse from his mother caused him to develop a multiple personality disorder. Norman was a shy and awkward man, but at the drop of a hat, he could turn into his abusive and homicidal mother.

7. Dr. Bridgid Tenenbaum (Bioshock)



Dr. Tannenbaum is the geneticist who helped to discover ADAM as well as the system to mass-produce it, giving the people who use it special powers and abilities. The one problem is that the system to mass-produce ADAM required the use of small girls, who are called little sisters. The ADAM would then need to be "harvested" from them.

She does eventually tries to save the girls, and adopts them, since most of their parents are probably dead, driven insane by ADAM or murdered by people who have become insane due to ADAM. Itís the least she could do for them, really.

6. Margaret White (Carrie)



What can I say about Margaret White, other than sheís abusive, domineering, and a fanatical nut that thinks that anything and everything is sinful. Oh, and sheís most likely insane.

Her daughter Carrie was born with telekinetic powers, which Margaret interprets as her being a witch. Of course this means that she must murder her own daughter. †Too bad she forgot rule number one in witch murdering, which states donít try to murder a witch with telekinetic powers. Mrs. White got what she had coming.

5. Samarra (Mass Effect)



Samarra, an Asari justicar had three daughters that suffer from an unfortunate condition, which makes them kill their mates during sex. Nothing is more than a turn off than having your hot blue alien girlfriend kill you while bumping uglies.

Two of Samarraís daughters decide to live a life of luxury in isolation. The other decides to have some fun and causes some general chaos. Due to this, Samarra decides to take it upon herself to hunt her daughter down, for centuries, vowing to kill her.

No heart to heart conversation on the beach, or any therapy sessions, just right to the filicide. I think Samarra has acted little hastily with the decision to murder her own daughter.

4. Mama Fratelli (Goonies)



Mama Fratelli, the matriarch of the Fratelli family is a tough as nails and terrifying lady who I wouldnít want to run into in a dark alley. Not to mention, sheís the leader of a violent and homicidal group of thieves consisting of her 3 sons.

To say that sheís abusive is an understatement. She readily admits that she dropped her son Sloth multiple times, most likely leading to his disfiguration. She also threatens to maim a young boy by putting his hand in a blender, gives chase to a group of teenagers, and eventually makes them walk the plank off of a pirate ship.

3. Pamela Voorhees (Friday the 13th)



Pamela Voorhees, the mother of Jason Voorhees, starts out normal enough, if not a little over protective. Jason was born with a hydrocephalic condition, which is an abnormal accumulation of fluid in the cerebral ventricles, causing enlargement of the skull and compression of the brain, destroying much of the neural tissue. (SCIENCE!)

Pamela was employed as a cook at Camp Crystal Lake, and she was very protective of her boy Jason, who was constantly teased by the other kids. One evening, Jason snuck out to prove that he knew how to swim, however, the camp counselors did not notice him and poor Jason drowned. His body was never found.

Pamela never forgave the counselors and slowly went psychotic, believing that her son Jason was willing her to murder the counselors, which she did, in a bloody and gory fashion.

2. Sarah Connor (Terminator 1 & 2)



Sarah Connor pretty much has the same issue as so many mothers already mentioned in this list. Itís not that sheís a bad mother, she doing her best in a shitty situation. Too bad her best is really pretty crappy.

First of all, Sarah, before sheís a mother falls for the oldest line in the books. If I had a dollar every time I told a girl in college I was from the future while trying to get in her pants, I would literally have seven dollars. Well, Sarah fell for this line and becomes preggers. Sarah isnít very bright.

She also doesnít make a very good role model for her bastard son, getting arrested and locked up in a mental hospital. Sheís also pretty cold and not the most warm and cuddly woman Iíve seen. No wonder John had issues, maybe if his mother put down the AK-47 and gave her son a hug every once in awhile, maybe he would be a little more well adjusted.

1. Joan Crawford (Mommie Dearest)



I know that many of you probably have no clue who this woman is. This lady by far, is the most terrifying mother ever. To make matters worse, she was a real person.

When I was growing up, I was utterly terrified of this movie, more than any other movie. Even horror flicks like Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, The Exorcist, you name it.

The movie Mommie Dearest was based on the true story of Christina Crawford, the adopted daughter of actress and Hollywood icon Joan Crawford.

Joan Crawford, was getting up in the years and roles were starting to dry up. The †movies she was being cast in were tanking. It didnít help that she had developed the reputation of being a nasty bitch. Studios were slowly starting to distance themselves from her. She needed to do something to soften image, and what better way to do that was to adopt a child. Luckily, we donít see this stuff in Hollywood anymore.







Faye Dunawayís portrayal of Crawford is purely terrifying. I had nightmares of this movie for years. Joan Crawford, was such a horrible nasty woman and apparently had zero motherly instincts. All this came out after her adopted daughter wrote about her hell growing up in her memoir.

What was really bad, was that when my sister and I were kids, and we were being punished by our mother for being brats, we would call her Mommie Dearest, like poor little Christina Crawford from the movie. We were horrible kids. Sorry momÖ and Happy Mother's Day!
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