They say the grass is greener on the other side. I hate that saying, people who say that deserve to get punched in the throat, and yet itís what I keep telling myself when I think of the PS4. Itís not that I feel that I made a major mistake when it comes to buying and Xbox One. Itís just that I maybe should have given it some more thought before I plunked down my cash.
"The grass is always greener on the HIIIIIIYAAAAAAAAA!"
Making the decision to buy an Xbox One first was really a no brainer. I was an avid Xbox 360 fan, even though I owned a PS3 as well. All my friends had Xbox 360s and the vast majority of them were going to make the leap to the Xbox One. Iím also a fan of Xbox exclusives and the Xbox Live service, where even though you pay a premium, you get a certain amount of stability and quality from that paid premium service, which I always found lacking from PSN.
I may be simply trying to justify my investment, but I still feel that the Xbox One was a sound purchase, for someone like myself who is looking for the best of both worlds at least. For all intents and purposes, the Xbox One had the better launch lineup, if only slightly. Forza Motorsport, Dead Rising 3, and yes, even Ryse are good exclusives for a launch and of course there were some solid third-party multi-platform offerings like Call of Duty: Ghosts and Battlefield 4 (BF4 is a turd regardless on what system you play it BTW). Quite simply, the Xbox One had the slight edge in my opinion in terms launch.
There is something about the prospects of the PS4 that are hard to ignore, however. There were some very early developments that showed that the PS4 hard a certain edge. The French call it a je ne sais quoi, which I believe means having coitus with a mime.
We're about to get freaky.
I never gave much notice to the specs, which stated that the PS4 had an edge, what I care about are the games and itís quite evident that the PS4 has the architecture to create slightly better games. When youíre a core gamer, slightly better is night and day as far as Iím concerned.
First there was the news that Call of Duty: Ghosts would output at 1080p on the PS4 and 720p on the Xbox One. No big deal right? Whatís one game? Of course, more comparisons of cross-platform games came out. Pretty much all multi-platform games on the PS4 looked slightly better than they did on the Xbox One. A testament on how easy it is to develop and port to the PS4, compared to the Xbox One.
Then of course, you have Tomb Raider: Definitive Edition, which quite frankly, is more definitive on the PS4 than it is on the Xbox One. There really is no reason why these games shouldnít be practically identical for all intents and purposes if Microsoft continues to claim that the difference in specs between the Xbox One and PS4 is negligible.
Itís pretty apparent that there has been a clear role reversal between Microsoft and Sony in terms of how I personally plan to utilize their respective consoles.
Iíve been a two console owner for a long time. I had a Sega Saturn and PS1, where my Saturn was played for first-party exclusives and my PS1 for everything else. I think I had an N64 during this time as well solely for Zelda and Mario etcÖ Same thing for the Dreamcast and PS2. Then I switched over to the Xbox as my lead console and PS2 for exclusives. My Xbox 360 was my lead console for multi-platform games and exclusives, while my PS3 was relegated to just playing Sony exclusives and watching Blu-ray. Thereís has been a very clear method to my madness.
What is becoming very clear this time around is that my Xbox One is going to be taking a secondary role to a future PS4 purchase. Donít get me wrong, the Xbox One is a great console which will have some great exclusives like Forza, Halo, Titanfall, Gears of War, etcÖ and those exclusives are going to be amazing for sure, but itís clear that in terms of multi-platform games, itís going to be the PS4 all the way. The PS4 is going to be the workhorse, at least in my household. The Xbox brand had a good run, but Playstation has caught up. There are no iron clad allegiances for core this core gamer. I care for the best possible experience, and it appears that the PS4 can provide that.
Full disclosure, Iím not a Superman fan. Heís a goody-two-shoes with no flaws and I hate that. I want my superheroes to have flaws goddamn it! Horrible disgusting wart-like flaws and everything thing that goes with it. I want to be able to relate. Quite simply, I cannot empathize with someone who is essentially a living god and is indestructible.
Iím a Batman fan through and through. The reason is that heís a normal guy, albeit a guy with unlimited wealth, martial arts training, the innate ability to crush vagina like a frat boy and a multinational conglomerate that creates top secret weapons for him to use against criminals. Batman however, is just a regular man with no supernatural abilities. I can be him if I wanted to, I just donít have the time.
The reason for this particular tirade stems from recently watching Superman II on HBO. Superman II is my favorite out of all the Christopher Reeves Superman movies and it has nothing to do with the main character, but due to the villains being so awesome, especially General Zod, played by Terrance Stamp.
For those of you who are too young to know Mr. Stamp from his earlier roles, Stamp played giant a giant vagina in Star Wars Episode I.
Chancellor Valorum? More like Chancellor Valium. AMIRITE!?!
Truth is. Terrence Stamp is a pretty great classically trained actor known for his intensity. Go check him out in the 1999 film The Limey to see him in action. You will not be disappointed.††Still to this day, when I think of General Zod, my mindís eye seeís this:
In all his bearded, greasy goodness.
Without Stamp, Superman II would have been unwatchable. †He was the anchor of the movie in my humble opinion. A nemesis so evil and ruthless, yet with a certain amount of charm. Maybe itís the accent? The only other conceivable reason to watch the movie would be to watch Kentís ass handed to him in the diner scene.
That leads me to the question asked in the title of this blog. Why is Clark Kent so fucking method? Superman is a living god, but when heís disguised as Kent, heís a clumsy twit.
Case in point. Kent and Lois Lane go to Niagara Falls. While in their suite, Kent trips and his hand goes into a fire pit. Lois sees that heís unscathed, realizing Kent is Superman.
Because his disguise was so amazing.
First of all, Margot Kidder is a horrible Lois Lane. She has the crazy eyes. Back to the point, do you really expect me to believe that Superman, in disguise as Clark Kent really trips on a bearskin rug and falls into a fire? Heís Superman damn it! Faster than a locomotive, catch a speeding bullet, leaping over the tallest buildings Superman and he trips on a rug! Does he really take the character of Kent that seriously? What is he, Robert fucking DeNiro? Does he go that deep into method acting that he becomes a klutz when he dons the eyeglasses?
Out of everything that is unbelievable about Superman, this one thing boggles my mind more than anything else and keeps me up at night. I can suspend my disbelief, but only to a point. Maybe Superman went to the Lee Strasberg School of Method Acting, where the only way to get in character is to become the character, just like Marlon Brando who acted crazy when he prepared for his role in Apocalypse Now, and was never able to get out of that character again. Or perhaps heís like Pacino, who prepared for his role in A Scent of a Woman by constantly yelling in a southern accent. He went so deep into that role, that is the only character heís able to play now. A crazy, screaming, freak.
Donít get me wrong, method acting is great. Some of the best performances in film and stage are from method actors. However, there is a recurring complaint regarding method acting, and that is performers have difficulty switching it off, sometimes to the detriment of their co-stars. Take Daniel Day Lewis in his role in Gangs of New York. Reports state that Lewis would ominously glare at co-star Leonardo DiCaprio, even when they were off set. He refused to go out of character, even when he wasnít working. So essentially, he had carte blanche to be a murderous sociopath for months on end. Thatís taking your role seriously.
Lewis preparing for his role as mentally unstable man. Oh wait, he's between roles. Never mind.
There are many correlations between film and gaming, but method acting is not something that translates. I reckon that someone can look at a particular character and assume that if someone was to play them in a film, it would suit a method acting technique. Batman is an obvious choice since the character was played so recently by Christian Bale, a practitioner of method acting himself.
Iíd like to think that Gordon Freeman from Half-Life would be a good character for a method actor. His portrayal in the game is already strong, silent and intense. Any character from the Bioshock series would be well suited for a method actor as well. Hell, I should be a casting director or movie producer because Iím giving you gold here. I picture myself setting at a magnificent mahogany desk at a movie studio somewhere, chomping on a cigar, and making starlets cry when I tell them they lack a certain Je ne sais pas for a role. I guess I missed my calling.
As always, Iíve gone off the rails here. I guess what Iím trying to say is everything about Superman is horrible, except Terrance Stamp, who is magnificent.
To close, Iíll leave you with this quote about the topic of method acting:
ďI'm a Method actor. I spent years training for the drinking and carousing I had to do in this film.Ē (George Clooney)
Well, if thatís the case, Iíve been training in method acting for years.
A week and a half ago, I read a fascinating article about lucid dreaming and hardcore gaming. In this article, a psychologist Jayne Gackenbach (Gesundheit!)†posits that hardcore gamers often have more instances lucid dreams. In other words, gamers often have bizarre dreams and many cases, know that they are dreaming.
I decided to have my own not at all scientific experiment to see if this was true. No stranger to bizarre dreams which I always thought were beer induced, I would take note of all dreams that I remembered and rate them on how bizarre they were and whether I felt like I was in control. During this week, I made sure to play at least one hour a night before bed. This was going to be fun.
Iím in my backyard with my dog. I live in a wooded area, but my yard is much more overgrown in my dream than it is in reality. In my dream, my yard is damn near forest like.
All of a sudden, I see a bundle of sticks hurdling towards me. It hits me with such force, Iím knocked to the ground. My dog, flees, leaving me to fend for myself, which is not unlike her. For a lab/shepherd mix, she is useless and afraid of her own fucking shadow.
I quickly realize that the trees are alive and are throwing whatever they can get their arm-branches onto. They are pissed and are beating the ever loving shit out of me.
My wife finally wakes me up. She says that I was tossing and turning and whining like a little girl.
Bizarre Factor: 10/10 This dream was absolutely terrifying. Who the hell has dreams of killer trees? I can also confirm that I was not playing any games with killer trees. I reckon that this dream came about from recently watching the Wizard of Oz.
I have a 19-month-old daughter and she is infatuated with the movie Cinderella. She watches it so much that my wife and I are starting to lose it. Weíre struggling to find another movie for her to watch. My daughter put the kibosh when we tried The Little Mermaid. She looked at us like we were nuts when we put on Pinocchio. My daughter was not having any of it.
Then one night, flipping through the channels, I noticed that the Wizard of Oz was on. I never watched the movie from start to finish so I decided to sit through and see whether it would be appropriate. It had singing, dancing, dogs, and fairies or some shit like that. Everything a little girls wants.
Sweet fucking dreams.
It also has terrifying munchkins, witches, flying monkeys, and killer trees. Iím nuts for even considering for a moment subjecting my daughter to it.
Lucidity Factor: 2/10 Early on in the dream, I felt like I was in control, but it quickly went downhill from there. In the end, my wife had to wake me, hopefully before the trees turned into Freddy Krueger and killed me in my sleep.
I have been going to a lot of job interviews lately, many of which are in New York City. I have lived and worked in New York a few years back and Iím very much looking forward to the possibility of landing a job in my most beloved city.
One thing you see a lot of in New York City are yellow taxis driven by cabbies with a complete disregard for your safety. Itís one of the charms of this great city and you quickly learn to tread carefully when approaching a cross walk.
In my dream, Iím waiting at a cross walk. A taxi is stopped in front of me. Moments later, a second taxi come up from behind the first and gives it an ever so gentle love tap on the rear bumper.
The first cabbie launches himself out of his taxi. He is short and pudgy with a ruddy face. In my mind, I imagined him being Russian. He begins yelling at the second cab driver, who at this point is out of his taxi as well. He is tall and slim and speaking with an accent that was vaguely eastern european. After some back and forth, the first cabbie begins ripping of his clothes, revealing underneath full Roman Centurion body armor. The second cabbie does the same. Heís wearing a brown robe and is carrying a long bow.
They begin to battle and a crowd of onlookers surround them. I start chanting, ďCENTURION, CENTURION, CENTURION!Ē and the crowd begins chanting as well, urging the two combatants on.
Finally, the second cabbie/archer summons a bolder from the heavens, crushing the Centurion. He returns back to his cab and drives off like nothing happens.
Actually I am! Thanks for asking!
Bizarre Factor: 10/10 † This by far was one of the more enjoyable dreams that Iíve had. Itís also correlates directly to gaming as Iíve been playing a lot of Ryse: Son of Rome†recently on the Xbox One. A mindless hack and slash taking place during Roman times. An underrated game as far as I m concerned and worth a rental or buying used.
Lucidity Factor: 10/10 There was no point in this dream in which I knew I was not dreaming. I felt like I was in control the entire time. I literally sat back and let the insanity run its course and I enjoyed every moment of it. I should have conjured up a popcorn vendor.
I have already mentioned that I have been interviewing a lot. Iíve gone pretty deep in the interview process with about five companies and I am chomping at the bit on getting an offer soon.
In this dream, Iím initially excited because Iím expecting a job offer from Intel, a company I have neither applied to or ever interviewed. Apparently, some time has passed and I decided to give the hiring manager a call to check on my status. He tells me that Iím a top candidate and they were about to make me an offer, but they had a last minute candidate and they decided to offer her the job instead. Iím told that even though sheís way less qualified than me, sheís a female and asian. This is important because they are trying to diversify their workforce and there were currently no asian females working in the department I applied to.
Dumbfounded, I asked why they would even bother telling me that. The least they couldíve done was told me that I was no longer being considered for the position. The person on the other end of the phone then said that the candidate did not accept the offer yet. Apparently she has concerns because she recently lost 65 pounds and is worried about working for a company that has so many free snacks and drinks around.
It was at this point that I lost my shit. I began spewing out filth that would make a sailor blush. I told them what they can do with the job and to never contact me again and hung up. It was at this point that I woke up.
Bizarre Factor: 5/10 The dream started of pretty tame, but quickly became absurd when we began discussing the formerly zoftig Asian girl.
Lucidity Factor: 7/10 I was not immediately aware that I was in a dream until the Intel HR representative went into his spiel about the the Asian girlís aversion to snacks as well as their corporate initiatives regarding diversity. No company HR flack would ever disclose this information.
Thatís when I began cursing up a storm. Realizing I was in a dream, I could totally let lose with no ramifications. In real life, I would have pussied out and thanked them for their candor and asked them to keep me in mind for any future positions. I would then punch a hole in the wall.
I had this dream just last night after I already starting writing this blog and just had to include it.
In this dream, I was a prisoner of war in some Russian gulag. Weíre marching in a frozen barren field, surrounded by guards.
In my boot, I had a concealed knife. Iím approached by a guard and he starts questioning me. †It was at this point that I decided this was my opportunity to get all Chuck Norris and kick some ass.
Right before I was about to make my move, my wife wakes me up to take the dog out. All attempts to go back asleep and continue the dream was for naught.
Bizarre Factor: 8/10 Very bizarre, but I have been playing a lot of Call of Duty: Ghosts, which would explain why I was a badass soldier in a POW camp. Also, I have been following a lot of news leading up to the Sochi Winter Olympics, which appears itís going to be a shit show of epic proportions. I CANíT WAIT!
The garbage, stray dogs, and crumbling infrastructure are quite charming actually.
Lucidity Factor: 10/10 I might as well have been playing Call of Duty: Ghosts, because there was no point where I did not realize this was all a dream. I felt like a badass and had no fear. A QTE could have started and I would not be the slighted bit surprised. QUICK PRESS A!
If I was in a real life gulag, I would be perpetually shitting my pants and would gladly eat bowls of cold borscht, like a good little prisoner.
Using science and maths, I can conclude, with out a shadow of a doubt that this gamerís dreams are impacted by videogames. Many of them are bizarre and 75% of the time I am completely lucid. Pretty neat.
Given my findings, I plan to pick up a copy of Dead or Alive Beach Volley Ball and taking a sick day as I plan to be in bed all day long.
DON'T JUDGE ME!
Go ahead and share some of your most batshit crazy dreams in the comments. Have you found your dreams impacted by the games you play? Remember, sharing is caring.
To read more on the subject check out the two links below:
Over the holidays, my wife, daughter, in-laws, and I took a vacation to Disney World to help get our minds off a very long and trying year. Iím being completely transparent when I say that I wasnít necessarily thrilled to be away during the holidays, but when youíre married, you learn to compromise and make sacrifices, or some shit like that.
Not to sound like a spoiled brat, but one of the things that I look forward to most during the holidays, is getting some much needed time off from work, spending time with my family, and getting to play some shiny new games. Going to the Magic Kingdom was going to take some much deserved videogame time away from me, or so I thought.
Letís get something out of the way, Iím not complaining, but the only thing ďmagicĒ about the Magic Kingdom, is the ability to make my money magically disappear. Also, when did the rules for getting a motorized scooter become so lax? Last time I was in Disney, seeing a Rascal scooter was a rarity, reserved for the incredibly old, infirm, or someone sans appendage. Now, apparently, you just need to be lazy, and fat. Very, very, fat. Do you know that you can pay $10 up front when you arrive at Disney to get a massive plastic cup of soda with unlimited refills? No one needs to drink that much soda. NO ONE! However, every motorized blob had their 30-ounce jug of Mr. Pibb. Apparently, running over my toes and terrifying small children really makes you thirsty. Next year, Iím returning to Disney with my own Rascal, equipped with scythes, then weíll see whoís the boss you lazy motherfucker.
A dream is a wish your heart makes.
Boy, that was a digression. †Anyhow, one evening, after dinner, we decided to buy some cigars, find a smoking section outside, get some beers and relax. Actually, I got a beer, my father-in-law got a glass of Johnny Walker Blue on the rocks. FANCY! All he needed was a top hat and monocle and he could have shooed the street urchins away while menacingly shaking his walking stick.
File photo of my father-in-law giving street urchins the business.
Also sitting with us was my father-in-lawís stepson. Heís an okay kid, even though after all these years, I would say that I know very little about him. Heís much younger than me, a senior in high school, light yearís apart in terms of being able to relate. Heís into videogames, of course, but his tastes were very much different than mine.
As the conversation meandered, we got on the topic of videogames. Thatís when I realized that this kid had grown up quite a bit. We actually had much more in common now. Not just about games, but sports, cars, movies, and most importantly, dealing with my father-in-law / his step dad. His strategy is to ignore him. Mine is booze.
Beer. Helping you to tolerate the in-laws since 4300 BC
Then he said something that brought a massive shit-eating grin to my face. He told me that he brought down his Xbox One and a few games from home, an early Christmas gift from his folks, and his plan was to set it up when we got back to the house in south Florida for our second leg of the trip.
The next night, we got to the house in Boca Raton late, after a tiring drive down the Florida Turnpike. After the bags were brought in and the kids, wives and parents were off to bed, we hooked up the Xbox One and fired up Dead Rising 3, a game that I was still on the fence about picking up for myself.
Since it was his system and game I let my father-in-lawís stepson take the honors. He started from scratch so that I can follow the story from the beginning and learn the setup. It was then that I got to experience something that I have done in a long time.
With the difficulty level cranked up, we began to trudge our way through the game. When my partner died in an area, he passed the controller to me and I took a stab at it. We did this for hours. Trying different strategies and weapon combinations, calling out enemies and giving feedback and guidance during the boss sequences. We played into the early morning hours, before I realized how late it was. I simply lost track of the time as I was having so much fun.
The next morning, exhausted from such a late night of old timey co-op, I realized that I have not played a game in this way for a long time. Yes, Iíve gotten older as have my friends. Some have stopped gaming altogether, the others that still do; we play online, never together in person sitting on the same couch. That late gaming session brought me back to my childhood, playing a tough as nails side-scroller on our NES, SNES or Genesis, passing the controller around, hooting and hollering and giving each other grief.
Not to sound like an old fart, but does anyone play games like that anymore? Gaming used to be such a social pastime. With the advent of technology, they have become even more social, in a way, but lost that personal aspect. Now, instead of playing a game in person, with a few close friends by your side, weíre playing online, with hundreds of strangers. In a way, I miss the old way. Iím not going to say that the old way was better; it was just a different kind of fun.
So for a short time, while away on vacation, I got to have a bit of fun, got to know someone better, and remember how it was to play a game when I was a kid, passing the sticks back and forth, in a way, true old school co-op gaming. When I got home, I picked up my own copy of Dead Rising 3, and play online co-op, with strangers. Itís wickedly fun, but not the same with someone in the room with you, passing the sticks and calling each other names.
Would love to hear your thoughts on this. Anyone have any good co-op and or in-person gaming moments, past or present that you would like to share? Lets hear them.
With the news coming out of Japan of Nintendo missing itís marks fiscally for 2013 by some sizable margins, and their stock taking a hard hit, many people have come out with their ďThe end is nearĒ sandwich board signs. Nintendo fans have continued to keep a stiff upper lip and are keeping calm and carrying on. Meanwhile, the haters are salivating. So what is the fate of Nintendo? There are a lot of opinions out there, but what thing is clear, no one has a clue.
Whatís most disturbing is that it seems that Nintendo itself has no idea what to do. When Nintendo President Satoru Iwata freely admits that they are out of touch with foreign markets, that should be warning bells that this organization is rudderless and out of touch.
Mr. Iwata noted that ďNintendoís sales in Japan were better than they were in the U.S. and Europe, and said the company needed a better way of keeping in touch with trends abroadÖ In Japan, I can be my own antenna, but abroad, that doesnít work.Ē That is quite the admission. †Iím surprised he didnít festoon himself with ďRibbons of Shame.Ē
So what are Nintendoís next steps? The Internet has been awash with armchair analysts providing their two cents. Many have said that it is time for Nintendo to give up making hardware and go the same route that Sega did. I feel that it may be to early to go in this direction. Sega was coming off years of failure from bad decisions. Nintendo is still awash from cash and can continue for some time before theyíve depleted their war chests.
Others have said that Nintendo should move quickly on releasing new, more powerful hardware, moving on from the failed Wii U. Iím not sure how feasible this would be. Even if they did decide to cut their losses and move on, a new console would have to be at least a couple of years off. They need to do something to keep cash coming during this time or those cash stores will be quickly depleted.
Of course thereís been plenty of chatter of Nintendo releasing some of their classics on mobile devices on iOS and Android. I personally find this to be a perfectly reasonable strategy, but Nintendo has taken an strong stance and doing so for years. However, given the current situation, maybe Nintendo will begin to reconsider.
One opinion, which I recently read, which is pretty original came from Wedbush & Morgan analyst Michael Pachter. I personally have disagreed with Pachter more often than agreeing with him in previous instances, but his recommendation is that Nintendo should release some of their titles as a third party to Microsoft and Sony in the short term, while still supporting their own hardware. You can read more on it here.†
Like many of Pachterís previous analyses and predictions, I totally discounted this idea at first. Why should Nintendo ever go this route? I didnít believe that there is any precedent for such a maneuver.
As I let this idea percolate in my head over a couple of days, I realized that there is indeed a precedent for fierce competitors to hop in bed together for the sake of an industry and quite frankly, a way for them to earn some mutually beneficial quick cash.
Back in 1997, Apple was in some pretty bad shape and on the verge of collapsing. In a move that surprised many folks, Steve Jobs managed to negotiate a $150 million loan from Microsoft as well as getting a version of Office for the Mac OS. This single move, shocking for its time, kept Apple in business and in my humble opinion, was the starting point in a complete turn around for the company. You can read more about it here.
BFFs 4 Evs!
No doubt that this was a tough decision for Apple to hop in bed with their most hated rival, but it was necessary for their survival. Today, they are now the most valuable company in the world. You can say they took their medicine and are better for it.
I see some parallels between Nintendo position today compared to Appleís back in the 1990ís. †Both are strong brands that have lost their direction. They have the know how and the capability to recover, but they require some help. Sometimes help comes from unexpected places.
If Nintendo were to release some of their titles in the short term to Sony and Microsoft, it could allow them to gain some much needed revenue while they revamp their strategy and perhaps prepare for launching new hardware that is more competitive with the current generation. Will it be a bitter pill to swallow? Absolutely, as Nintendo is an incredibly proud company, but the cash they would get from such a deal would act a teaspoon of sugar to help the medicine go down.
This is all pie in the sky really. What are the chances for Nintendo going this route? Probably zero, but I have seen stranger things happen. Perhaps Nintendo has an ace up their sleeves that weíre not aware of yet. Whatever it is, I hope its something good, because they are struggling right now and need to do something quick. People love to tout Nintendo's sizable cash stores, but a couple of more failures and those piles of cash can quickly dwindle to nothing.
I donít do game reviews, so Iíve decided to outsource that to some of the worldís most iconic celebrities, both living and dead. Today, Iím happy to announce that the late great Liberace will give his take on one of the most well received music games of the last generation.
Boy oh boy, I wasnít expecting this. When Mr. Spieler Dad channeled me in heaven, I didnít know what to think. Never played a videogame in my life, but Iíll tell you, he sure was persistent. I finally agreed to write this piece when he said that it would be read by one of the most beautiful and fabulous online communities around, and I think thatís wonderful!
Would you believe that there is a movie about me? It is shown all the time on HBO. Michael Douglas plays me. I think he does a great job! Matt Damon was cast as my good friend Scott. What a fantastic job he did in the movie. He also looks great in a chauffeur outfit. I give the casting director an A+. Simply put, I think the film is wonderful!†
You know, up here in heaven, videogames are quite popular. I never was one to play them when I was alive. One day, my assistant, Mr. Scott Thorson, brought home an Atari 2600. I wasnít at all taken by it. The wood paneling on it clashed with my furniture, so we had to get rid of it. Sitting there, on the sofa playing on a videogame seemed like such a waste. I would rather take a few laps in my piano shaped swimming pool.
Iím digressing so Iíll get back to what videogames are like in heaven. We have the same games up here that you have down there actually. †We also have a fabulous recreation room up here with every machine and game you can imagine. You know what they say, too much of a good thing is wonderful!
You know who are big time gamers up here? Jesus and Buddha. They go at it for hours in some silly war game. You should hear some of things that they say to each other when playing. Itís enough to make me blush. Everything they taught goes out the window when those two pick up the game remotes.
I only got my chance to actually play a game called Rockband when Jesus and Buddha took an extended break to perform miracles and to meditate. Let me tell you, I was sure impressed by how advanced these games look compared to the Atari. All I needed to do was get a band together to test this game out.
On keyboards, yours truly will be tickling the ivories. On drums, thereís no one better up here than Keith Moon. On guitar, I was able to get Jimmy Hendrix. On bass, I wanted to get Paul McCartney, but heís still alive, can you believe it!?! So I asked my pal John Entwistle, aka Thunderfingers, which is a double entendre ☺!
Finding someone to do vocals was going to be tricky. There are a lot of great singers up here. The better ones are in hell, but you play with the cards youíre dealt. I was thinking Frank Sinatra, but Old Blue Eyes was too busy chasing around Marilyn Monroe and feuding with JFK. Some things never change. I ended up asking my pal Janis Joplin, who was quite honored. So there you have it, thatís the band. We even gave ourselves a name, the Gilded Candelabras! I adore candelabras you know. †Theyíre sort of my thing. I think theyíre wonderful!
Okay, onto the game! The game is a pleasure to look at. I love the art style. If there is one thing I would change, it would be more ways to customize the way your character looks. Iíve been told that I had my own signature style. I have an outfit for every occasion. You know that I had a custom fur coat made specifically for me when I gave a command performance for the Queen of England? Itís true! The coat was made of virgin white fox. Over a hundred of the little guys gave their lives for it. It took forever to get the pelts! Think about it. Virgin white fox are rare little critters. It takes one to know one! The coat cost me over $300,000, but it was worth every penny. What I wouldnít give for a way to get that coat into the game.
The instruments used for the game was not what I would call classy. I found them cheap and unappealing. I used to collect pianos you know. I had over 300 of them. I had one in every room, sometimes more. All of them were personalized with gold and semi-precious stones from Austria. Yours truly was practically keeping the rhinestone business in business.
Moon and Entwistle didnít mind the chintzyness of the instruments so much, since they smashed them up after each song. What a mess. Moon kicked his drum set so hard one time, it flew across the room and hit Janis Joplin right in the head. Knocked her out cold. Hendrix gave her mouth-to-mouth. GET A ROOM YOU TWO! ☺
The song selection left something to be desired. The rest of the band didnít mind so much, with all the rock and roll and whatnot, but I would have loved to see more classical and big band numbers. Not one number from Bach or Lizst. Lets just say my talents as a pianist were under utilized in this game.
All in all, I give this game 4 out 5 candelabras. Itís fun to play with friends when theyíre not destroying the instruments. Professional musicians like myself will find it a bit rudimentary. I do find that it is a great way for people to get involved in music, and I think thatís WONDERFUL!
I hope you enjoyed this piece. Mr. Spieler Dad has a few them lined up from what I understand. Say stay tuned for some more reviews from famous people from the great beyond.