Community Discussion: Blog by SpielerDad | SpielerDad's ProfileDestructoid
SpielerDad's Profile - Destructoid

Game database:   #ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ         ALL     Xbox One     PS4     360     PS3     WiiU     Wii     PC     3DS     DS     PS Vita     PSP     iOS     Android

click to hide banner header
A relatively new dad telling tales on what life is like as a gamer and a father.

- I'm the youngest of two children with one older sister.

- I'm first generation American as my parents were born in Italy.

- Married to a wonderful wife and have an amazing daughter who makes me laugh and smile every day.

- Hobbies include exercise, reading, writing, sci-fi, film, and of course, video games.

Player Profile
Xbox LIVE: Der Sizilianer
Follow me:
SpielerDad's sites
Following (15)  

I realize that I haven’t posted in awhile, but I have a valid excuse. Who has two thumbs and is finalizing a Master’s Project in videogame violence?

Actually no. That’s Borat and it’s me that is writing a thesis on video game violence.

Want to know something about writing a Master’s thesis? It SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS! Writing a Master’s thesis takes fucking forever, even if it’s on a topic that you enjoy, like video games. The structure and style of a thesis sucks every ounce of enjoyment out of writing about something that should be interesting.

The first three chapters are nothing but foundation. You mention your topic, defend its merit, and then write fifty pages citing other people’s work that aligns with your study. Want to give your opinion on something? Fuck you pal! Who the hell are you? Do you have any letters after your name? No? Then bugger off peon. That’s what academia is about, take something that is enjoyable and interesting, and then tear it apart so that it loses its essence.

Here’s another thing, how come you don’t get a fancy title after completing a Master’s? When you complete a PhD (aka a doctorate) you’re called a Doctor. How come no one get’s called a Master after getting a Master’s Degree? That would be fricking sweet. Matter or fact, after getting a Master’s, you should be referred to as Maester, ala Game of Thrones. I mentioned this to my wife, on how after I complete my Master’s she should refer to me as Maester, but she said that she prefers to call me by the title she gave me after we got married, Mr. Stupid Face.

Just as long as they don’t cut of my balls, as that would suck.

I am glad to say however, that my first three chapters are done and I’m venturing into my actual research portion of my project. That’s where you, the Destructoid Community comes in. I’m looking for some fine folks to take a survey and see what gamers think of video game violence. What a novel thought, huh?

Taking surveys are great by the way. I take surveys for this company that gives out, among other things, GameStop gift cards after you accrue enough points. I then take those gift cards and buy PSN and Xbox Live gift cards, where I will then buy my games direct from Sony and Microsoft, because fuck GameStop.

Frankly speaking, I’d say that my survey is pretty quick and painless. I’ve taken some shitty surveys and did my best to ensure that my survey is not one of those.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE. Take my survey and you’ll have a chance to win your very own Sicilian Donkey Cart!

Okay, I lied about the donkey cart. I can’t actually give you anything for taking this survey, as that would not be very academic. All your responses are confidential and it will be specifically used for this academic study only. The University made may say that by the by.

I’d appreciate any of you that will be willing to take this survey. It’s not hard and relatively short, 10-15 minutes tops. You’ll probably find it enjoyable. All I ask is be honest and answer the questions to the best of your ability. Go ahead and send it along to anyone else that you think may find this topic interesting. The more responses, the better the study will be.

Thanks in advance to everyone who take part.

Please click here to launch the survey. 



Photo Photo Photo

It’s late August and the specter of autumn is upon us. Soon, we can expect shorter days, cooler air, the changing of the leaves and all that bullshit that comes with the turn of the seasons. Of course, if you live in the southern hemisphere, this time of year means that winter is coming to end for you (HEAD EXPLODES). My earth science teacher would be proud that I actually retained that, given that for most of my high school days I was preoccupied with sports or lost in an ether of bong hits, funneling beer, or inhaling nitrous through a balloon. Good times.

Know what else comes in the fall? Sports we actually give a shit about, that’s what! No longer must we feign interest in baseball, cricket, tennis, quidditch (that’s a sport right?) and competitive tango dancing. Americans will soon become enamored with FOOTBAWL, everyone else in the world will dive headfirst into proper football or soccer as the yanks and Aussies adorably refer to it.

Of course, we can soon expect EA to take last year’s version of Madden NFL Football and FIFA, give it a little bit of spit polish, repackage it, and sell it off as new, and we’ll all buy it, because we’re dumb.

This got me thinking; we really are in a rut when it comes to new sports games. It’s always about Football, Soccer, Basketball, Hockey, and Baseball.  There are so many more sports out there that can add a bit of spice to the tired yearly retreads. Many of these sports are batshit crazy. They are just begging to be made into a videogame.

10. Il Palio di Siena

In the town of Siena, just a short way from the city of Florence in picturesque province of Tuscany, they enjoy themselves a good old fashioned horse race a couple of times a year. When I say “old fashioned” I really do mean OLD FASHIONED, as in they’ve been doing these races since the 14th century and possibly even earlier.

Twice a year, on July 2 and August 16, all the neighborhoods in the city sponsor a horse and jockey. The main plaza in the heart of the city, known as the Piazza del Campo, is converted into a dirt track and locals and tourists pile in to witness the festivities.

The entire city pretty much turns into a Renaissance Fair, as people dress in period garb, toss banners in the air, blow trumpets, pretend to have the plague, marry their own sisters, put leaches on their scrotums, and toss women accused of witchcraft into wells. (Full Disclosure: I’ve never actually been to a Renaissance Fair.)

The main event of course is the horse race. Jockey’s supported by the neighborhood they represent are escorted into the transformed piazza on their horses bareback. The rules? There pretty much are no rules. Want to punch the jockey next you? Go ahead! Kick a guy off his mount? Be our guest! Claw, bite, cheat if you like, just as long as you win!  By the way, even if a horse comes in first without a rider, doesn’t matter, that horse wins. The rider is there only for decoration. He can be mangled heap on the side of the track for whatever its worth.

To put it simply, Il Palio to Siena is like the classic motorcycle combat game Road Rash.

I’m actually surprised this wasn’t a minigame or mission in the Assassin Creed II, you know the one with the whiny Florentine, Ezio Auditore. Racing in Il Palio di Siena would have been right up his alley. Ubisoft dropped the ball on that one.

9. Roller Derby

Do you know there’s a Roller Derby game released for the original Wii? No? That’s because it was Wii Ware shovelware crap.

I refuse to acknowledge your existence.

Roller Derby deserves better than a Wii Ware game. It’s a fast, brutal game, with strong and sexy women as the star athletes. Not only are the ladies of Roller Derby not unattractive, but they can kick in your face then shove an old school four wheeled roller skate up your ass.

No not up your ass silly!

Roller Derby is one of those sports that can really translate well in a videogame. I propose taking the ladies from Dead or Alive, and instead of going off to the islands for beach volleyball, which is stupid, they should form a team and join a Roller Derby league. I’d buy that shit up in a second and not feel one iota of shame, which I couldn’t say is how I felt when I bought Dead or Alive: Beach Volleyball at the local Best Buy years ago.

This is the tamest image I could find on a Google search.

8. Chess Boxing

Chess Boxing is an actually thing and its fans and athletes take it very seriously. Events are held worldwide and it is especially popular in the UK and Iran, but leagues are sprouting up all over the world.

The rules of Chess Boxing are pretty clear-cut. One should be both a good boxer and chess player as you can win or loose at any facet of the game. Six rounds lasting 3 to 4 minutes of chess are alternated with five 3 to 4 minute rounds of boxing. You win by either checkmating your opponent in chess or KO/TKO in boxing.

Now, making entire game devoted to chess boxing would be ridiculous, but what’s stopped EA from making this an unlockable feature in their Fight Night series. I think Chess Boxing online against a human foe would be lots of fun and the trash talking possibilities are endless.

7. Wheelchair Rugby / Murderball

Played in over 27 countries as well as the Paralympics, wheelchair rugby is perhaps the most intense sport for Para-athletes. 

Developed in the 1970’s by a group of disabled Canadians, who were seeking a sport other than wheelchair basketball, in which athletes who had upper body disabilities were relegated to non-offensive roles. They named their newly found sport Murderball because Homicide Ball didn’t roll off the tongue as well.

To be eligible to play Murderball, one must have a disability that impacts both the upper and lower body. Just because the participants are disabled doesn’t mean that this sport is for the squeamish. The game is intense, physical, and hard collisions with men on modified wheelchairs are not the exception but the rule.

I highly recommend for anyone who is interested to check out the documentary film Murderball which covers the intense preparation and rivalry between the Canadian and US Wheelchair Rugby teams leading up to the 2004 Paralympic Games.

I would say something cute about how to make this sport into a videogame, but what else needs to be said? This is tough sport, played by tough guys who are braver than I not only for playing, but living and thriving in spite of their disabilities. A videogame that brings more awareness not only to the sport, but also to those with disabilities would be a good thing.

6. Buzkashi

Buzkashi can be summarized simply as an Afghan style of Polo. Unlike Polo, which is a game played by the wealthy on pristinely manicured fields and watched by woman wearing ridiculous hats, Buzkashi is a bit grittier and certainly less exclusive.

Just a wee bit grittier

First off, instead of a ball getting knocked around with mallets towards a goal in Polo, in Buzkashi, the “ball” is the carcass of a goat. Each team, consisting of 4 to 5 players attempt to lean off their horses to retrieve the goat and carry it to the goal, as the opposing the team attempt to stop the “goat carrier.”

Competition is pretty fierce. Getting whipped in the face by an opponent or getting knocked off your horse is not uncommon. Many riders prefer to wear old Soviet tank helmets to protect themselves. See! Something good came out of the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan.

The sport was actually outlawed by the Taliban when they took control of Afghanistan, citing that it was immoral. However, the sport is starting to make a comeback.

As a videogame, Buzkashi would be perfect as a mini game in Goat Simulator. Imagine the hijinks with that. There already is a goat; all you needs are some Afghani horsemen and BOOM! BUZKASHI TIME!

Also, doesn’t Metal Gear V take place in Afghanistan? I’ve seen videos online of Snake on horseback with the horse actually shitting. All you need is a goat and voila, you have yourself a Buzkashi match waiting to happen. Kojima-san needs to make this happen. Multiplayer Buzkashi matches would be fantastic.


There is no reason why Buzkashi should not be in Metal Gear V as Kojima already puts creepy hairless cigarette smoking monkeys in his games, Buzkashi would be downright normal as far I’m concerned.

5. Calcio Fiorentino

The people of Tuscany must have a hard-on for brutal sports. We already talked about the Il Palio, which takes place in the town of Siena. Just a short distance from Siena, in the city of Florence they play Calcio Storico Fiorentino, which translates to Historic Florentine Football.

The game originated in the 16th century and many believe that it’s based on the Roman sport of harpastum. Chances are pretty good that big hairy oiled men played that game while wearing loin clothes. Let that image set in and marinate ladies.

Once again, like Il Palio, the teams represent various neighborhoods throughout the city. In the third week of June every year, the Piazza Santa Croce is filled in with sand and a pitch is created.

The modern version of the game consists of 27 players per side. Matches last for 50 minutes and the goal is to carry the ball from your end and tossing it into your opponent’s goal.  Sounds simple enough and relatively similar to rugby.

Unlike Rugby, head-butting, punching, elbowing, choking are all legal. Sucker punches are frowned upon though, and two or more players can’t gang up on a single opponent, unless he’s carrying the ball of course, then you can go ahead and beat the ever loving shit out of him.

When the game is started the player who wins possession of the ball very often runs behind his line and witnesses the carnage of 27 men fighting hand to hand, MMA style. Games quickly devolve into a gang fight and the ball handler waits until he has an opening where enough players are knocked out or being held down (or not joking, sat on) to make a move and run towards the goal without getting the shit kicked out of him in the process.

And the referee is FABULOUS!

Like Il Palio, how did Ubisoft neglect to make this part of Assassin’s Creed II? Yes, the game originated shortly after the events of Assassin’s Creed II’s timeline, but how awesome would it be to play as Ezio while he battled hand to hand in brutal version of Rugby. Hell, it could have been a mission where he had to assassinate one of the opposing team’s players. Jesus Ubisoft, you really dropped the ball on this one, do I have to fucking think of everything?

4. Bo-Taoshi

Bo-Taoshi is a game played in Japan by mostly students and cadets at the National Defense Academy. It loosely translates into “bring down the pole” in English. The objective of the game is to, wait for it, bring down a pole.

I’m disappointed that they the creators of the game couldn’t think of something more, creative, since I do believe that the whole exercise of keep a long hard wooden pole erect while an opposing team tries to pull it down, has some definite phallic undertones. I mean, it’s an erect dick right?

In the game, two teams of 75 players each go head to head and the goal is to either keep the penis, ahem, pole, erect, while the other team tries to pull it down. Sounds simple, no? Well there is a good amount of strategy involved as players have clearly defined roles and positions.

On the defense, there are pole supporters, barriers, interference, disablers, and my favorite, the ninja. The ninja balances on top of the pole and uses his weight to counter balance when the offensive team is trying to pull the pole down.

The offense consists of spring boarders, attackers, and pole attackers, who try to knock the ninja down and take the pole down.

The offense wins the game if they are able to pull the pole down 30 degrees, respective to the ground, which is not an easy task when there are 75 Japanese cadets beating the shit out of you.

In a videogame, I can see Bo-Taoshi being an excellent party game, maybe utilizing the Kinect or Playstation Camera. Go ahead and have a few drinks, laugh with your friends, and try to knock the ninja off his giant penis. It’s fun for the whole family really. Get the grandparents involved, THEY’LL LOVE IT.

3. Royal Shrovetide Football

Shrovetide Football has been played in England in the town of Ashbourne since at least the 12th century. It may even be older, but fires destroyed the earlier records. With that said, this game is old as dirt.

Played on the Shrove Tuesday, which is the day before Christians celebrate Ash Wednesday, as well as the day of Ash Wednesday itself, the game’s origins are shrouded in mystery. Some say that the game started when a man’s head was tossed into the crowd after an execution. The mob would then battle for the head, much in the same way a crowd goes crazy to retrieve a homerun hit into the bleachers in a baseball game.

Like Calcio Fiorentino, the game really is just an excuse for people from different parts of town to beat the shit out of each other for bragging rights. Unlike Calcio Fiorentino, the field, or pitch, as my English friends lovable call it, is the entire fucking town.

The game starts off in the center of town where a ball is tossed into the mob. From there, the teams (Up’Ards and Down’Ards) vie for control of the ball, where they try to return it to a goal in their part of town using any means necessary As one can see, the teams are formed depending if you live uptown or downtown.

Upon kick-off, at 2:00 PM, the game is played out over a course of 8 hours, which is a really long fucking time. Hope there’s alcohol involved or this is going to be long day. Wait, I forgot, this is England, of course there’s alcohol involved.

So how do you make this into a videogame? Watching the video, I can't help but to notice the mass of humanity and total chaos. I get a Dead Rising vibe. I reckon it would be easy to tweak the code in Dead Rising so that one can play a game of Shrovetide football against a horde of zombies.

2. Kabbadi

Kabbadi is very popular in India, Pakistan, South Asia, and Southeast Asian countries. It is also the national game of Bangladesh.

After reading multiple explanations, the game appears to be a cross of some of our favorite and most cherished playground games from our youth, before the bleeding hearts ruined everything, and banned all of or favorite games because little Billy might scrape his knee. The main facets of the game include, holding one’s breath, playing tag, and gold a fashioned wresting.

Each team consisting of 7 players occupy their half of a court. They will then send forth a “raider” who will cross over to the opponent’s side. Before crossing over however, he must take a deep gulp of air, and hold his breath while attempting to tag one of the opposing team’s members and then cross back over to his side to score a point. All the while, he must say the word “Kabbadi” over and over again to prove that he is not inhaling, while the opposing team does what ever it takes to keep the raider from crossing back over. The raider can be wrestled and pinned down until he takes a gasp of air.

Also, these guys are jacked 

Indeed, this game does seem fun. The only way I could improve it is if it incorporated a staring contest as well. Then every playground game from my childhood would be represented.

No clue how this could be made into a videogame, but it is crazy as hell, so someone who’s cleverer than me should have no problem designing it. Utilize the Kinect or Playstation Camera. Once again, great possibilities for an interesting party game that can turn violent at a drop of a hat.

1. Jai Alai

When I was a wee lad, one of the coolest shows on television was Miami Vice, starring Don Johnson and… that other guy.

Don Johnson and.....

I was too little to really understand what was going on in the show, but man, did I want to be them, driving around in hot supercars, shooting guns, and hooking up with buxom ladies in bikinis.

By far, my favorite part of the show was it’s iconic opening credits. It encompassed everything that was awesome. Guns, speedboats, sports cars, beautiful women, while that hypnotic pulsating music played in the background. 

There was one short clip during the opening credits that intrigued me the most, and that was of that dude playing Jai Alai. I had no clue what the hell they were doing, but this was Miami Vice, so it had to be fucking sweet.

I’m not even going to pretend I know anything about Jai Alai or even attempt to explain the rules, as I’m too lazy. I’ve read through many posts on the sport and have no clue, but this is even more of a reason to make this into a  videogame, as it will educate people, and maybe bring some exposure to the game. Here’s a link to Wikipedia, see if you can make heads or tales of the rules. 

Here's a video from the 80's that is so bad it's great

The game is indeed pretty badass. Known as the “fastest sport in the world”, players routinely sling the ball upwards of hundreds of miles per hour with their xisteras. The fastest toss in Jai Alai clocked in at 188 mph, a world record. Just imagine what that would do if it hit you in the nuts fellas.

Given the popularity of this game in South Florida, it would have been right at home in Rockstar Games homage to the excesses of the 1980’s Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. Rockstar borrowed so many themes from Miami Vice, that the more that I think about, the Jai Alai omission from the game appears glaring. Then again, we’re talking about the PS2, so perhaps storage or tech limitations were an issue? Who the fuck knows really? I’m pulling stuff out of my ass.

I will say that Vice City is long overdue to be revisited. Rockstar Games returned the series to Liberty City and San Andreas, I think a next generation iteration of GTA: Vice City would be amazing and including a Jai Alai minigame would be a no brainer.

This Top 10 is obviously only my opinion, but would love to hear from the community what sports you think have been neglected by game developers. Let me know in the comments.
Photo Photo Photo

Sweden is a fine country. The people who live there are tall, blonde, and beautiful. Sweden has also given the world savory meatballs, affordable yet stylish modern furniture, award winning swimsuit teams, lutefisk, and bisexual tech savvy alt-girls with dragon tattoos that solve crimes. What's not like about Sweden? I should disclose that I know pretty much nothing about Sweden.

I mentioned the Swimsuit Team right?

What I do know about the swedes for certain is that the ones that I have met have been incredibly warm and friendly. Two swedes that were friends of friend attended a 4th of July BBQ at my home a few years ago. Were they blonde? Sure thing. Were they tall? No doubt. Did they bring Swedish fish? You bet. Were they beautiful? I actually propositioned one of them and I'm not even gay. I opened up my home to them and showed them some good old timey American hospitality and gluttony with plenty of beer, booze, food, and a roasted suckling pig as the coup de grace. Then we blew shit up, because that's how we celebrate the birth of 'Merica! We have never spoken since.

So why am I going on and on about Sweden? Because out of all the great things they put out, like Pippi Longstocking, Anders Borg's ponytail, Zlatan Ibrahimović, and free health care for children, they too have people who go completely overboard when it comes to their perceptions of violence in videogames.

Sweden is indeed a magical place.

Case and point, meet Carl-Magnus Helgegren, father, journalist, university teacher, and owner of the most Swedishy sounding name I've ever heard of. Again, I really do know very little about Sweden, so take that for what it's worth.

I'm a big believer in always assuming positive intent. No doubt, Helgegren had good intentions when he learned that his sons, aged 10 and 11, expressed interest in the latest Call of Duty game. The original article on TheLocal.se did not mention what version of Call of Duty his sons wanted, but I assume it's Call of Duty: Ghosts. *On a side note, I have a coworker who loves to tell me, "You know what they say when you assume? You make an ASS of U and ME." She can really kiss my ass.

Helgegren made a deal with them. He would get them the game, but first he wanted them to have a true understanding of what war is all about. So he packed them up into the family car, probably a Volvo, or Saab, and drove to the airport. Their destination Israel and Gaza.

Going to Israel and Gaza was actually his third choice; he first considered Iraq or Afghanistan. Full disclosure, Helgegren does have experience travelling in these areas as a journalist.

He decided that his first choices might be a tad too dangerous just to make a point and teach a lesson on the horrors of war, so Israel and Palestinian territories were selected as the destination for Easter break.

Now, while the Helgegren's were on their trip, the area was not as tumultuous as it is today with what is essentially full on and open hostilities between the Israelis and Palestinians, but this was no pleasure trip either. The Helgegren's visited refugee camps in east Jerusalem, clinics where people were getting stitched up, as well as an illegal drug market. FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!

Look at the excitement in those boys faces. BEST VACATION EVER!

I also hear that the illegal drug market has a real shitty souvenir shop too. Their best seller is a t-shirt that says, "I went all the way to an illegal Israeli drug clinic and all I got was this lousy t-shirt and a staph infection."

After ten days, the Helgegren's returned home and surprise; the boys really had no interest in playing Call of Duty anymore. I also imagine that Carl Helgegren will be taking advantage of that free children's healthcare. I'm sure that includes mental health services for children right?

The reception from the media, friends and colleagues was also not very warm to Helgegren for the most part. Helgegren claims that he has received criticism as well as death threats, including getting doused in napalm and set on fire, which is a wee bit hypocritical, don't you think? "How dare you traumatize your children by showing human suffering! Now I'm going to set you on fire and traumatize your children!"


I do believe that Helgegren had good intentions; as most parents are want to do when it comes to their children. There is a small part of me however, that can't help to feel that Helgegren was being a bit selfish as he was also trying to write a good story. Upon his return he did write and publish an article detailing his family's travel and the reasons of this trip. It certainly is a good story, but is putting the welfare of your children at risk to write a good story and prove a point really worth it?

Also, is taking your children all the way to an actual warzone really necessary? Couldn't you just sit down with them and have a discussion about the topic? Maybe turn on the TV and watch the news or go onto the web and do a bit of research? Perhaps, and this may be a stretch, sit down with your boys and play the game together?

As a parent, I really don't like it when other people tell me how I should raise my children. Maybe this is truly what Helgegren felt would resonate with his   own children and teach them a life long lesson. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, even if he may have gone a bit overboard.

Maybe we should give Helgegren some credit. Gamers love to complain on how parents don't take enough interest in what their kids play and will buy them any game they ask for, regardless of content. Here's a parent who does understand that some games may not be appropriate for everyone and he did something about it. He's also Swedish and has a cool name, so additional kudos for him as well.

Photo Photo Photo

I don’t like reviewing games. By the time I get around to playing enough of game to review it, weeks, or even months may have past. What good is that going to do?

However, what if I were to review a game that no serious gamer would want to play anyway? Now that’s a fine idea. Core gamers can get a peak at what the casual crowd is playing, and I get to review a game, becoming a more well-rounded game blogger. It’s a win win I tell you!

The game that I selected for this little experiment of mine is Kim Kardashian: Hollywood for the iOS. This game promises you to live life, just like Hollywood starlet Kim! Be a fixture on the red carpet and become a celebrity gaining fame and fortune! Maybe get your own reality show on the E! Channel. THE SKY'S THE LIMIT!

Screwing famous people, then releasing a sex tape can get you millions of fans too!

Luckily, the game is free to download and play, so anyone can get to live life just like Kim. All you have to do is to go on the App Store and download it. Easy peezy lemon squeezy.

Your first task in Kim Kardashian: Hollywood, which we’ll call KKH from this point on because, seriously, I’m too lazy to write that shit out over and over again, is to create your own avatar. 

I don’t know about you, but one of my favorite things to do when creating an avatar for any game, whether its Mass Effect or Elder Scrolls, is to create the most detestable and vile creature imaginable. My goal is to get my character as close to those pig people from the classic Twilight Zone episode, The Eye of the Beholder.

Hey there handsome!

Here’s where I find the first fault in KKH. Apparently, ugly people, or even regular everyday, normal looking people don’t exist in the world of Kim Kardashian. You better have impeccable style and high cheekbones, whether natural or augmented by plastic surgery or you can just get the fuck out you freak. Thwarted from making some man beast, I only had one other option. Create the most obnoxious douche bag the world has ever seen, someone who would fit right in Kim’s world.


Since KKH plays like an RPG, albeit a very simple one, the main character usually starts from humble beginnings. In my case, I work at a clothing store for women, and a very posh one I might add.

As luck would have it, the one night I have to stay late to fold blouses, dresses, pantyhose, crotch less panties, (I really have no idea what is sold in these high end shops), Kim herself appears. She’s in a bind and needs some fancy frock for a premier or some shit like that. I offer to hook her up, even though the store is closed and what the hell, I give her the dress for free, because why the fuck not? Everyone knows that rich people don’t pay for shit, that’s how they stay rich.

Anyway, this was my key into getting into Kim’s good graces, as she invites me to some fancy swanky function. I’m now well on my way to becoming an A-list celebutard.

The key to becoming famous in this game really has nothing to with being talented. Just like Kim, you climb the ranks by just doing shit. You don’t have to be a musician or an actor; you just need to become famous for the sake of being famous. You will need to go to functions, meet, people, chase ass, and slowly but surely, you’ll gain followers and go from D-list to A-list.

All the while, Kim acts as your guide… a sage, if you will. She’s like Buddha, but with a huge, gravity defying ass. She’ll hook you up with connections, like your agent, Simon, who’s a creepy old man who you may or may not need to blow at some point in the game. Simon will net you gigs to photo-shoots, launch parties, and commercials. Simon also never asks for money, so there’s a very good chance one day, while in his office, he’s going to ask you to sit next to him on his plush leather sofa, and ask you to watch while he jerks himself off. Pretty sure that’s how it works in Hollywood.

I have my assumptions...

Kim will also set you up with a publicist. Why a no talent hack needs a publicist? To help get you Twitter followers of course! That’s how popularity is measured in Hollywood, apparently.

Kardash will also help you get some stink on your hangdown, if you know what I mean, but not after confirming what team you play for, or if you like to switch hit. That is actually pretty progressive for such a shallow game. Triple A titles have shied away from talking about LGBT characters for the most part, and when they do, they normally get shit on by the mass media. Kimmy K, though is no fool though and she’s down with LGBT. Like I said, she’s wise, like Buddha.

No game would be complete without a nemesis. As luck would have it, the bad guy in this game is a bigger douchebag than me. Just like in the great battle of Troy, this war starts over poon.  Dirk Diamonds does not take kindly with me trying to get in his ex-girlfriend’s pants. A power struggle is inevitable. Unlike Troy, no blood will be spilled in this war, as we will fight on Twitter, lobbing passive aggressive tweets at each other.

As I mentioned earlier, your agent Simon job is to get you various gigs, such as attending product launches, photo-shoots for ads, or simply telling you to go places where you’ll get noticed, like clubs and restaurants. This is where you’ll have the opportunity to earn fame and fortune and become A-list, through hard work.

By hard work, I mean tapping on the screen at blue dots. That’s what passes for actual game play in KKH. On a photo shoot? Touch a blue dot to change the backdrop. Touch a blue dot to touch up your make up. Touch a blue dot change the lighting. This is the core gameplay mechanic for every task in the game. Does that not sound exciting?

Well you better calm yourself down spank, because touching blue dots is exhausting. You only have so much energy in the game. Touch a blue dot, and you lose some energy. Touch too many blue dots and you’ll have to rest. You can, however, purchase cocaine, ahem, I mean “energy” with real world money and continue playing. Your friendly “energy” dealer will provide a designer suitcase of coke (Hah, I did it again!), that is, “energy”, and you can party for days and days on end, without rest. This is what elite Hollywood glitterati call “Lohaning” … probably.

So in a nutshell, your agent Simon or Kim Kardashian give you tasks. You complete said tasks and slowly and surely, you become more famous. Complete enough gigs and you’ll go from E-list to A-list. Truth of the matter is, you don’t really need to play this game to earn anything. If you want, you can use real world money and unlock everything without even earning it, which is, if you think about it, kind of how Hollywood works too.

I’m a little disappointed that out of everything you can do in the game to become famous, recording a sex-tape, and “accidentally” releasing said sex-tape on the Internet is not an option to help you gain some Hollywood cred.

All in all, I really can't recommend this game to anyone. There is not a person on this earth that should be subjected to this game… except Hitler. Yes, that’s right Hitler. If there was a way to travel back in time, find Hitler, and force him play this game while he was still young and painting panoramas of the Austrian countryside or some shit like that, he may have offed himself right then and there, saving countless lives.

That’s the only reason I give this game 2 out of 5 botched plastic surgeries, as it may be used as a tool for time traveling assassins, but I can’t recommend it to anyone else.

The joke's on me though, as Kim Kardashian's Hollywood is projected to rake in $200 million for Glu Mobile, the game's publisher. If that's the case, Kim's cut would be $85 million. Not too shabby.
Photo Photo Photo

Humankind has accomplished a lot of incredible things during our history on this little blue marble of ours. We have developed languages, writing, tools, art and architecture, which separate us from our closest ancestors, the chimpanzee. Well, we can now add another accomplishment to the list, as we can now fuck our iPads.

Fleshlight has announced the Launchpad, ostensibly, a case for your iPad, which you can put your junk into. Don’t believe me? Check out this video below.

That’s one fine advertisement right there. I’m surprised his wife/girlfriend doesn’t dump him right then and there when she becomes aware of what he’s doing. Of course the video ends right before the awkwardness begins. How does one segue into having an intimate conversation with one’s partner to attaching an apparatus onto a tablet computer and then having simulated intercourse?

This is pretty creepy on multiple levels, and logistical confounding. First of all, what does the girl get out of it? Does she just watch and wait for him to finish? Is she supposed to grab her favorite toy and joy in herself? Also, how is a man supposed to use this device? Does he manipulate it on his wang while Skyping his significant other, watching a video, or simply looking at porn? If so, that is not a very good user experience, since the screen is going to be bobbing up and down. Are you supposed to lay it down and actually fuck the thing? Well, then you can’t actually see the screen very well, if that’s the case. All in all, this device, which you attach to your iPad and then pork, is not very well thought out.

According to the Fleshlight Launchpad site however, early adopters love the device. Check out some of these glowing reviews:

“The LaunchPAD takes watching POV videos to a whole new level! It feels like I’m really having sex with my favorite porn stars!” –JT

Except you’re not. You are having sex with an iPad.

“I love warming up my Fleshlight, finding some awesome porn, and going to town with the LaunchPAD.” – CAPTAINBEEFSTIK

Captainbeefstik, is obviously a connoisseur. With a name like that, his review certainly carries some weight and should be taken seriously.

“Stoya porn on your tablet + the Launch Pad + Stoya’s Fleshlight makes it feel like she’s really in the room! IMHO this is better than the real thing.”  FLESHLOVER

I can assure, without a shadow of the doubt, Mr. Fleshlover, if that is your real name, that is NOT better than the real thing.

“I get out my Launch Pad whenever my wife goes out of town. Now I wish she’d leave more often… this thing is amazing.” –MONEYSHOTS

Let’s hope that Moneyshots’ wife doesn’t find that out, because she may be leaving town permanently, giving him all the time he wants to have sex with his iPad.

With glowing reviews like these, it’s pretty safe to assume that gaming will eventually become an integral part of the Fleshlight Launchpad. There will certainly be an eventual dating simulator, probably being developed in Japan as we speak, where your prize will be to bang your conquest. No offense to the Japanese, mind you, but they are the premier developers of dating simulations, this is the next logical step. Hopefully, it will include massive tentacle cock as well. That is if Apple even lets them, as it’s common knowledge that the folks from Cupertino are a bunch of boring prudes.

Also, now that Fleshlight has opened up the Pandora’s box, I wouldn’t be surprised to see an eventual attachment for an Xbox or Playstation controller. Both the Xbox One and the PS4 allow you to browse the web. Both systems even give you the option to browse in private, so that no history is recorded. It’s almost like both Sony and Microsoft wants people to be beat off to porn on their new consoles. Why else would you put a private browsing function on a game console unless you were going to be looking at and streaming nasty German scat porn from RedTube.com?

Personally speaking, I having nothing against using technology to satisfy one’s basic instincts. One of the first things that I do with any type of new technology is to see how well it displays pornography, because I’m horrible and have a depraved mind. Whether it’s an iPhone, a tablet, shiny new console, etc.… and let me tell you, the Xbox One and the PS4 both do an admirable job. It’s almost like the browsers on the PS4 and Xbox One were created to display porn.

I’d like to imagine a scenario when the engineers and programmers were showing off the browser functionality to the suits at Sony and Microsoft headquarters. Here’s the console displaying Google, CNN, Youtube, Reddit, and then being interrupted by a marketing executive saying, “Yeah, yeah, that’s all fine and dandy, but does it display SororitySexKittens.com? WE NEED THAT FUNCTIONALITY! MAKE THAT THE PRIORITY!” 

You know what we need? MORE PORN!

Hell, I’m getting more excited (figuratively speaking) just thinking about a Launchpad for consoles. Microsoft is seeking a reason to make the Kinect a must have accessory. Imagine strapping on a Fleshlight to your Xbox One controller and playing a pornographic game with the Kinect? This could be one of the few cases where a game truly is, “better with Kinect.” People would never leave the house. 

Who's up for a 3-way!?!

Sony can get into the act too. Remember the ménage a trois from God of War 3? How cool would it be if you could just strap on a Flesh Light and actually participate? Extra points for lasting longer than 15 minutes! Or, what about Fleshlight with Project Morpheus? It’ll be like that scene from Demolition Man starring Sylvester Stallone and Sandra Bullock.

Lastly, it would be amazing just to see the inevitable backlash from the mainstream media concerning a Fleshlight gaming controller? It would be totally worth it just to see some stiff from CNN, FOX News, or MSNBC trying to talk about this with a straight face having to say Fleshlight over and over again.

The more I think about it, the more I NEED THIS TO HAPPEN. It’ll be a train wreck of epic proportions. Will it ever happen though? No way in hell. Microsoft and Sony will never allow a company to release a game that is compatible with a male sex toy, but is there anything stopping Fleshlight from actually making a device that’s compatible with console gamepads?

With that said, I really do hope that Fleshlight does release a version for game controllers, and I would expect Destructoid.com to be the first to post a comprehensive review. I’ll offer up my services, because I have no shame. I’ll do it for the good of the community and posterity.
Photo Photo Photo

Everyone has a guilty pleasure. Some people enjoy really bad movies starring Nicholas Cage or books that have a painting of Fabio on the cover. Others have a weakness to certain sweet, savory, and salty snack foods, like pork rinds (Mmmmmm deep fried pig skin!).  As a gamer, I also have had my fair share of guilty pleasures, that is, games that I know are just plain horrible, but for whatever reason, I just couldn’t put them down.

With summer we yearn for leisurely activities that are not meant to tax the mind, but rather just purely entertain.  It’s the time of year when the film industry releases big blockbusters starring giant robots and flicks that have Tom Cruise running from things, it doesn’t even matter what he’s running from, as long as he’s running.

If books are your thing, do you really want to be reading some deep thought provoking shit? Hell no, you want to read about Fabio plunging his wang into some sexually repressed librarian or something. AM I RIGHT LADIES!? How else can one explain Fifty Shades of Grey, a best selling series about a man named Christian Grey who fucks anything and everything that moves. (Full disclosure, I haven’t read any of the books.)

I remember going on a cruise once with my in-laws. Word to the wise, don’t go on a cruise, they’re horrible, let alone with your in-laws. First off, your boat is a giant floating petri dish in the sea, supporting some of the nastiest bacteria and viruses man has ever encountered. It’s not a matter of if but when you will shit your brains out while on a cruise.

Secondly, imagine the worst of the worst of Wal-Mart trash. Now imagine being forced to be in close proximity with these people for four days and three nights, with the only way to escape is to vault one’s self into the briny deep. Lastly, the food, which your shipmates will go on and on about is not very good, but they serve a fuck ton of it, so you you’ll have plenty to crap and puke out when the inevitable norovirus strain firmly entrenches itself into your bowels. I once saw a pack a severely obese people shove children out of the way to get on line for ice cream sundaes. It was a stampede flab and Ed Hardy t-shirts. They were going to get their fucking ice cream sundaes, no matter what. 

Anyway, while aboard the USS Hershey Squirt, I decided to catch up on some reading. My book of choice was a nonfiction work on Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Winston Churchill. As I read my book, perfect strangers would walk up to me and ask me what I was reading, as they were confused, since the pages I was reading didn’t have colorful pictures on them. When I told them that this was a historical biography, the look of surprise and at times, disgust, on their faces was extraordinary. They were legitimately taken back that I would read a book like this on a cruise. This was some heavy reading, it wasn’t about teenagers murdering each other for the entertainment of the denizens of some dystopian future city, nor was it about Christian Grey sticking his hang down into his secretary. I’m a total square apparently to the cruise-taking crowd. Come to think about it, going on a cruise must be a guilty pleasure, because no one in there right mind would think that going on a cruise is in any way, a good idea.

To get back on point, the gaming industry has always been guilty of not releasing enough quality games during the summer months. Maybe they believe that everyone is on vacation, outside getting skin cancer, or shitting their brains out on a cruise ship somewhere out in the Caribbean Sea. With the dearth of games available, I usually find myself playing games that I missed out on earlier in the year and more often than not, games that I would never dare consider playing, let alone overplaying, as it is so often the case.

This is not a new phenomenon for me either. I recall playing a Gerry Glanville’s Pigskin Footbrawl on the Sega Genesis way back when in the summer of 1992. I actually rented this game and kept it way past its due date, racking up some serious late fees. My mother was none too please. Even in my youth, I knew this game was a steamy turd, but what else was I going to play? What amazes me is how much I enjoyed playing this game. I was working in construction at the time and I actually looked forward to coming home at night, cranking the air conditioning after a long day breaking my ass, and playing this shitty game. Maybe I was suffering from heat stroke and didn’t know any better?

The game was so putrid, that they couldn’t even find a decent celebrity to endorse it, so they chose Gerry “Fucking” Glanville of all people. A buffoon and mediocre coach for the Atlanta Falcons, whose only famous for saying something vaguely funny on the sidelines during a game to a referee that just so happened to be recorded. He actually has a losing record in all of his years of coaching, both at the collegiate and professional level and yet I’m sure he has a nicer house than me so FUCK HIM!

Two years later in the summer of 1994, I became smitten by another mediocre game, this time for my Sega CD. The game was FIFA International Soccer and I pretty much played this game non-stop for two months. I must’ve have led Italy to the World Cup fifty times. The kicker was that this game was so incredibly mediocre, but I was in the grips of World Cup fever, which was being hosted by the United States that year. I even had an opportunity to attend a match between Italy and Norway, which was just incredible and I’ve been a fan of the sport ever since.

What was not incredible was FIFA International Soccer for the Sega CD. EA Games essentially took the code from the equally mediocre Sega Genesis version and just ported it over to the Sega CD. They slapped on some grainy video, added some crowd noise, and abracadabra, they set a precedent of repackaging the same crap year after year, something they still do to this day.

A good friend of mine, who is still close to me today used to break my balls for playing that game. To this very day, every once in awhile he’ll bring up that summer I wasted playing that shitty soccer game.

Now, with the advent of Xbox Live and PSN, I don’t have to take a trip down memory lane to see what horrible games I spent way too much time on. All my transgressions are saved, via achievements in my profile. THANKS MICROSOFT AND SONY!

Unlocking an achievement in a horrible game is equivalent of a cross campus walk of shame at 6:00 in the morning, where you’re still dressed in the clothes from the previous night and everyone who’s out just knows that you made some horrible decisions the night before, and probably woke up naked next to someone who could be mistaken for a sasquatch.

Oh my god. I hope I wore a condom.

Perusing some of my old achievements of summers gone by on Xbox Live, I could see that I played way too much Prey on the Xbox 360 during the summer of 2006. Prey’s claim to fame was that the protagonist was a Native American trapped on an alien spaceship, and he can, at times, walk on walls and ceilings. Oh, and on said alien spaceship, there were GIANT VAGINAS!

I then took the next two summers off from gaming, but in July of 2009, I came back with a vengeance and played the craptastic Red Faction: Guerilla for days on end. All I remember about this game was that it took place on Mars or some uninspired shit like that, so everything was colored with brownish red hue. For whatever reason, the main character had a sledgehammer that could topple entire buildings. Given the amount of time I played this game, one would think that I could do a better job of describing it, but I wasted enough time on the game, so I would rather forget that I ever played it.

Fast forwarding to 2012, Max Payne 3 became my guilty pleasure of choice. I was actually looking forward to play that game. I was so eager to return to the world of Max Payne 3 that I was blinded by how incredibly unmemorable it was. Once again, not a bad game, per se, but certainly not a great game, deserving of the amount of time I eventually poured into it playing it. I remember trying to talk my friends on giving it a try, pleading that it was good, just underrated, but they weren’t buying into it. They probably thought that I was back on peyote and was hallucinating…. again.

So there you have it, my walks of shame of summer’s past. As you can see, I don’t fall into the trap every summer of guilty pleasure gaming, but it’s certainly a trend. It’s almost like I learned my lesson for a short time, only to fall off the wagon, just to get back on again. Will it be the same this summer? I’m trying to be strong. I have a couple of games from earlier in the year that I want to finish up, but who knows, I’ve been known to make bad decisions before.

Hey baby, listen, about last night... I was really drunk.

Would love to hear what some of your gaming guilty pleasures were. Go ahead and share some of your walks of shame in the comment section. I won’t judge… Unless it was really bad and then I’m totally going to judge.
Photo Photo Photo