Five days ago, one of our fellow Destructoid community blog contributors wrote an article about ‘Canning’, you can read about it here. I was shocked by the positive response, because bathroom gaming is leading our generation down a slippery slope of future health issues. These health issues are no laughing matter friends. Please, continue reading and heed my warning.
Please call and donate today… Actually don’t. This number probably leads to a phone sex line.
Quite simply, we're on the verge of large scale medical issue of epidemic proportions. What's the cause of this you ask? The truth is, we're spending more time than necessary in the bathroom sitting on the porcelain throne. This has gotten worse through the years. From what started as an innocuous distraction has now become a major health concern.
Since the invention of the printing press and cheaply bound books, our ancestors have been distracted from just doing their business and then moving onto more important pursuits, like doing 'science' and 'maths'. Before, you went outside, in the cold, and hoped not to be mauled by a wild animal. Yet, since the middle ages with introduction of books, we've been taking more time than necessary, sitting in a compromising position, just trying to read one more verse of whatever epic poem those crazy medieval kids were into those days .
Damn you Gutenberg... DAMN YOU TO HELL!
However, today with the advent of newer, more nefarious and distracting technologies, we're staying on the throne longer than ever before. We can pinpoint the exact date when mankind has put his health at risk. Friends, on April 21, 1989, the original Gameboy was released in Japan and the act of just going to the bathroom has never been the same again. Since then, we've been going down a path of increasingly discomforting colorectal issues.
Now, don't think for a moment that I'm just some crazy person, with a placard, claiming that the end is near. I'm basing this on scientific fact. Science that includes numbers, doctors, and people in lab coats with letters and shit after their names. In no way am I affiliated nor should I be compared to the Ancient Aliens guy.
Even though I am jealous of his luxurious hair.
But, Spieler Dad what's the big deal? What's the worse that can happen if I stick around a bit after dropping the kids off at the pool? Well, Dr. David Gutman (if that's your real name) founder, and lead physician of Advanced Hemorrhoid Specialists lays it all out for you.
In an interview with Esquire, Dr. Gutman states, "Hemorrhoids are derived from anatomical structures called anal cushions — like small balloons — embedded within the wall of the anal canal. When abdominal pressure is increased, these cushions instantly fill with blood to form a hydraulic seal to help prevent leakage.
"If the anal cushions become stretched out or get irritated, they are called hemorrhoids and can cause bleeding, itching, pain, and the protrusion of tissue through the rectum (GAAAAAAHHHHH!). Sitting on the toilet too long can increase pressure on these anal cushions, which may eventually cause them to become hemorrhoids."
I call dibs on the heavy metal band name by the way.
That's right friends. That extra level of Candy Crush, those five more minutes of Guacamelee!, that one additional article of Destructoid (TOILET ADDITION!) is causing you harm folks!
Dr. Gutman recommends that "you shouldn't be reading on the toilet. (OR GAMING FOR THAT MATTER) Bowel movements should be quick. I know people like to read in the bathroom (AND GAME), and what I would recommend is once they are done with the movement — if they insist on wanting to stay and read (OR GAME) — they should wipe, flush, put the toilet-seat cover down, and sit on that. It's almost like sitting on a chair."
Friends, please take this information to heart. Spieler Dad cares about your health. Gamers like us already have an image problem in the mainstream media. The CNN's and MSNBC's of the world already think of us as immature and possibly dangerous. The last thing we need is to be seen as hemorrhoid addled, twitching in our seats as we wallow through the itchy, burning sensations afflicting us where the sun don't shine.
If we don't change our habits now, Gamestop will start carrying hemorrhoid treatments and will try to upsell us on yet another add-on when you try to make a simple transaction. The videogame sections of our favorite retailers will begin putting up displays of Preparation H and Tucks Medicated Cooling Pads. It will be utter madness.
Would you like to pick up the strategy guide and a box of Tucks with your game today?
Fellow gamers, we must change our ways before this becomes our reality, so please, govern yourselves accordingly and keep bathroom gaming to a minimum. This is no laughing matter. If you don't want to do it for yourselves, at least won't you think about the children.