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Spencer Hayes's blog

3:43 PM on 09.12.2010

One Last PAX-Blog: A Destructoid Fanfiction in 7 Parts

PAX happened. Some of you saw me there, some of you didn't. But this blog isn't about me, it's about 3 mighty heroes who braved the dangers of a world devoid of compassion to make it all the way to Seattle in order to save PAX for the rest of us. This is their story, this is everyone's story. Also, it's poorly written.

Part 1

It all started with the call. Early one morning our heroes were all called up
"Usedtabe the Strong, Manic Maverick the Sly, and LawofThermalDynamics the Wise we need you. PAX is in trouble. It is at PAX in which the devious Professor Normal will strike and ruin things for everyone. He has created a ray that will take from everyone that which they hold most dear. Their individuality. Also, Cocks"

The heroes nodded in silent agreement, they knew what they had to do.

"Alright Mr. Destructoid we will do it. For the good of all of us."

"Good to hear boys. There are several other operatives that will be working with you.You will know them when you see them. We've also got a staging area for you at a nearby university. The mission begins at 8am tomorrow you will receive more information then."

The screen clicked off and the heroes were left in the room to collect themselves and begin to think about the task ahead of them.

Part 2
The university wasn't a terribly inviting place. It was taken over by all sorts of evil creatures, but they didn't really bother anyone. The crew established a camp for the night tucked away in an abandoned corner of the basement on top of some old furniture they found. It is also important to note that they had to use public restrooms. It was disgusting, as if thousands of asses were pressed up against theirs every time they went to shit. The next morning came earlier than most would have expected as it was important that the operatives could witness the keynote. Unfortunately the line was long.


This meant the boys got to meet some local color. The local color was killed after 20 minutes. Seattle natives are crazy. After 2 hours of standing around the keynote started. Not much happened except for Warren Spector telling everyone to be nice to casuals. This made UsedTabe rip some children in half. Goddamn kids.

Part 3

The show floor was next up on the day's agenda of ass-whoopery and nobody was safe. As the boys descended upon the expo hall like Edward on Bella (slowly and terribly written) they noticed something was amiss. Everyone was merely shuffling.

"This has to be the work of that nefarious time wizard Professor Normal" Thermal Dynamics exclaimed as he put 2 and 2 together.

Manic Maverick growled "We need to work fast."

Some punches were thrown, but the hordes of the PAX-goers never let up.

LawofThermalDynamics was deterred "We need some backup before we attempt this."

Usedtabe was fatigued from all of his rapid-fire flash kicks "We need an army."

After a hasty retreat down a poorly lit hallway a voice came out of the darkness.

"Goddammit guys something bad is going on out there, this is looking worse than my ninth Far Cry 2 Permadeath run."

The voice had a familiar pretentious ring to it. The voice started growing louder and louder as it was joined by a few others: "Anthony come on, things are going to be ok, nothing bad can happen while I'm around. Besides we've got your dad here.

"Whoa whoa whoa, don't bring me into this. As soon as I get a chance I'm getting out of here and getting my ass over to a Fuddruckers." The last voice sounded simultaneously apathetic and displeased.

Part 4

Having realized who was on the other side of the doors at the end of the hallway our nerdy version of the A-team burst into the room. Unfortunately Papa Burch was surprised and punched everyone in the face. Especially Manic Maverick.

Usedtabe was the first to break the silence, "Guys, something is going on and we need your help. We need to break the mind control that is turning all of the people into zombies"

"That we can do, we've got some people who can help" Anthony said through his beard. "But we're going to need a dolphin and some copies of Deadly Premonition to lure them out." What followed could only be described as the most magical occurrence to have ever occurred: a montage inside another montage. The double montage (what does it mean?) included all sorts of events crucial to the story, so I will list them here: Breaking and entering, stealing a dolphin, concealing a dolphin in LawofThermalDynamics' pants, a coffee break, punching some meat and running up some steps, and finally a simple trip to the game store. The crew eventually found themselves outside of the convention center summoning the warriors they hoped would aid them in their battle. Anthony said some words that nobody recognized (they must have been indie as hell) and a giant beam of light shown forth from the ground giving life to:

Special agent and TPL James Tiberius Sterling

and Chad "I don't usually wear this many shirts but that's awesome" Concelmo.

Part 5
Manic Maverick gave the newly-summoned members of Team Awesome a moment to collect themselves before asking "Alright guys, there are too damn many people in there not having the time of their lives and we need to stop that, we need an army."

"I know of one" Chad said.
"And I know just how to get them all here." Jim said as he began to stand in a funny pose. "I just need to sacrifice a ps3. Fortunately I have on right here in my backpack."

As Jim let forth a long string of game titles followed by the number 4 people started to show up in droves yelling at the Jimster only to be caught in amazement when Chad removed his shirt.
"Alright guys, we've got the army." Jim smirked "The Destructoid Army."

Part 6
The army was perfect. It moved as one, thought as one, believed as one, and loved as one. They were a family. Nothing could stop this fighting force as they descended upon the convention center. As everyone spread out they managed to find the source of all of the evil inside.

Unfortunately it was hidden behind a 2 hour long line. So the army waited. It took forever but they finally got inside. Inside was a large machine broadcasting its evil signal to the world. Breaking the fuck out of the machine didn't take long. In fact the army rearranged the parts into a statue of Mr. Destructoid.

Part 7- The Aftermath

"Professor Normal isn't here guys, we have no leads. It's safe to say this round was a draw." Usedtabe was displeased.

"It's ok, maybe he will be stupid enough to try something at PAX East or PAX Prime next year." Manic Maverick sighed.

LawofThermalDynamics was the last to speak,"Come on guys, lets just go enjoy the rest of PAX. You know, that thing that we just saved."

And our heroes looked out upon the people they had helped to save.

THE END?   read

6:25 PM on 08.27.2010

The Winners of my Prom-test!

So as you all better know I had a contest to take someone to PAX. If you want to join that you are much too late. It is now my solemn duty to present the winners. I want you all to imagine I'm doing this like Leia at the end of Star Wars.

Queue music

The winners are:


From the first time I saw this lovely guy across the room I knew I needed him in my hotel room at PAX. Look at this badass picture.

I'm going to be stealth mode when I pick this bad boy up. Do you see that? It gives +5 to both stealth and poison resistance. Additionally, I can use that gas mask to help me wade through the inevitable clouds of nasty stank surrounding people after the concerts.

There is also the matter of that badass suit. I have to fly my way up to Seattle (and boy are my arms tired)
this means that in order for me to be able to celebrate Suiterday I would have to wrinkle up my fancy suit. This makes the lazy part of me really angry. Fortunately for lazy-Crime I don't have to dress up any more, Manic Maverick will do all of that for me!

Let him tell you in his own words:
"Hey. You should take me to PAX. Wanna know why you should take me to PAX? Wanna know? Because I'm a man. I bench-pressed 70 cartons of eggs and then used those same 70 cartons of eggs to build a boat. I used that eggboat to sail across pretty much every sea on the planet, including the seas of many a woman's heart. I once made jello pudding for orphans by flexing the muscles on my muscles. These orphans became Spider-Man after eating said jello pudding, and thus had parents because superheroes. Every Autumn I participate in the Annual Man Festival, which involves me standing out in the middle of the street pelvic thrusting in a thong. It helps the crops grow. Like...500 times an hour. And, on the first Monday of last September, somewhere between 5:00pm and 10:00pm, I ate dinner."


I was very tempted to just leave that there and not write anything. Unfortunately the lawyers get pissed if I don't give everyone an explanation.

He turns me on.

Wait, that explanation isn't good enough? Alright let me try again:

Not only does Guile's theme go with everything, but this is essentially the most American avatar ever. I wouldn't want to offend Uncle Sam, George Washington, and the HUAC by not choosing this lovely fellow.

And here are some words from the man himself:
"First off, my avatar as me as Guile. I'm the ultimate wingman. My avatar will get you laid more times than I can throw sonic booms in a match. Guaranteed.
More importantly, nobody fucks with Guile for fear of a flash kick to the dick. So you have automatic security while at PAX. Hell, even on the flight, if someone tries to hijack that plane, I'll use my comb to slice some throats. Combs > Box cutters all day.
Last and least, I will be eternally grateful to you for taking my avatar. Not "blow you in the alley" grateful, but maybe "handjob in the theater" grateful.
Choose UsedtaGuile.
Choose America."

Looks like I'm getting lucky this PAX.   read

9:38 PM on 08.17.2010

I Want to Take You to Prom.

I don't know if you guys have heard but there is a little thing coming up called Prom... or PAX. Every year at this event dtoiders advertise themselves and get other more fortunate dtoiders take a representation of them to the show. I am lucky enough to be able to go to the show, but yet my heart still aches. I have not been in the fortunate group to get to go with someone to Prom PAX, all of the cute girls seem to be taken already by those jerks on the football team. So this is my call out to the rest of the community. I want to take 2 of your avatars to PAX with me. The following is a list of reasons why you should come with me.

I'm a Gentleman.

Well Destructoid, it's a sad truth that not everyone is chivalrous as I am. Some people would go so far as to claim to be nice and honest but really all they want from taking you to PAX is just an easy way to get into your pants. I can guarantee you more than that. Because I am such a gentleman your trip will be much easier. I will take you out to dinner, I will treat you right, and I probably won't slip anything into your drink when you aren't looking.

I've Already Matched My Tie to Your Dress.

One of the hardest parts of going to Prom PAX is picking out what to wear. I've gone ahead and made this easy on all of you and snuck into your rooms and checked out your dress. Think about all of the hassle this will eliminate for the both of us! We can both go in color-coordinated outfits and neither of us will have to go to the store to pick out a tie while I carry your dress around!

You Can Ride in Style.

Sometimes people think it's cool to go to Prom PAX in a limo. Well screw them, I can give you a much sweeter ride than that. I've already prepped my bike to pick your avatar up from your mom's house. Think of how cool we will look when we roll up to Prom PAX with you on my handlebars. Yeah, that cool.

I Already Asked Your Dad.

I have already thought of everything. Originally I went to your father's house to ask for your hand in marriage, but he was less forthcoming with that. Eventually I managed to get him to give me his blessing to take you to Prom PAX. You don't want to disappoint Mr. Whatever-the-hell-your-name-is.

I'm Almost Onto Destructoid's D-list.

I host the Destructoid Communicast, which means that approximately 11 people who view this site know who I am. This means that you can go to the show with someone who is only marginally cooler than someone who just registered on the site! Holy Smokes!

Now you know you want to roam the show in style with me, but unfortunately I can't hang out with a gaggle of avatars. So if you want to be one of the two lucky ladies/pictures to travel with me tell me why in a comment below! And who knows, I might even send some stuff to the lucky winners!   read

1:16 PM on 07.31.2010

Have You Got Questions For the Dtoid Communicast?

So then loving public, you may be familiar with the shenanigans that are about to released all over the collective Destructoid. So as I said in the last post this podcast will only work if the community decides to get involved. Here is your chance community.

We need topics to talk about and questions to answer. The serves two functions for us. The first is that we need to have things to talk about. The second thing is that there was a game that came out this past week and we need to know if the people want to hear about that or if they would rather hear about something else.

So let us have it community. Questions, topics, nude photos, your first-born child, or whatever else you want. Conversely if you want to join our ever growing cast you can send me a pm or email at [email protected]   read

6:31 PM on 07.25.2010

The Destructoid Communicast!

Alright guys, I like making podcasts, and I like the Destructoid community, and I haven't had enough to do lately. This has lead to quite a bit of thinking to be done, and quite a few ideas to execute. One of these ideas is something I like to call the Dtoid Communicast (working title).

I would like to put together a podcast each week with every part entirely dictated by the community. This means that every podcaster would be a community member, the topics we discuss would all be chosen by the community, and the questions would be asked entirely by members of the community.

So this is the first step guys. If we want this to happen,and I know we all want it to, we need to have people to podcast, ask questions, and choose topics. Ideally this podcast will be the community in audio form so whatever the community puts into it will be what comes out. If the podcast is two people talking about the questions a third person asks the show is likely to be shit, but if the show has a revolving cast of great people who are asked interesting things by the rest of the community the show will be fantastic.

So what do you say Destructoid, are you ready to rock? In order to make this work we need people who want to hang out on air, people to ask questions, and people to suggest things for us to talk about. Can you fill any of these positions? I think you can! Say you want to be part of this in the comments so we can get this off the ground!   read

7:12 PM on 07.12.2010

Whatever the opposite of a miracle is.

Look at that giant sad puppy. It's massive.

You folks may know that I host a podcast. Recently I had started making posts about the episodes over here and some people seemed to be enjoying them. Unfortunately calamity has struck and within the course of two weeks each of my fellow podcasters have had to resign (tragedy seems boundless.)

This leaves me by myself. Podcasting isn't something that you can do by yourself unless you are schizophrenic. This means that Save and Reload will wither and die.

But hell my loss is your gain. Podcasting is something that I love to do and I would love to be back on another show. So if you want to start up another podcast with me or want to have me on your show I would not only love to but be grateful as well.

Thanks guys.   read

2:20 PM on 07.08.2010

Beverlynoelle may or may not have listened to the last one (SaRCast)

So this is a thing that I made. Everyone was tired as shit so things are a little shorter and a little less peppy than usual. Things were still fun regardless.



The post over at the blogspot has the pictures if you are someone who likes that kind of thing.

As you heard we need an additional podcaster after the passing of bro Grant. If you want to join us please tell me so.

Also, questions are appreciated.

Oh, and pretend you like it in comments if you want your name in the title of the next C-blog post.   read

7:26 PM on 07.06.2010

This podcast is late, but Corduroy Turtle liked the last one. (SarCast)

Hey guys, this one is terribly late but I was on a pacific northwest adventure. This is why the sound quality is absolutely horrible, but the show must go on.



So tell me do you guys want to ask us any questions? Do that below.

Do you want to be in the title of the next post? I think you know what to do.   read

2:21 PM on 06.17.2010

RandyDixon and Occams liked the last one.

Look at that, the big name Dtoid members keep on coming. This means you, dear reader, should love it as well. This has some Super Mario Galaxy/2 spoilers and some House of the Dead spoilers. I really liked this week's podcast, and our new podcaster Ryan.



So did you guys like it? Do you want your name up in the title of next week's show? Leave some comments below.   read

2:22 PM on 06.15.2010

Something about E3: A Podcast recap of what has happened

The Save and Reload boys and I made a bonus podcast about the Microsoft and Nintendo press conferences so far and our opinions about them.

Other than that there really isn't much to say about this, but I hope you enjoy.

[embed]176566:30741[/embed]   read

2:01 PM on 06.10.2010

Only Because SteezyXL Liked the Last Podcast.

So I made another podcast (this one is sans Tactix though) and I decided to put it up here again if only because SteezyXL liked it. So this one is for you buddy.



Here is the list of topics we talk about (in order) so if there is something you want to skip to, or skip over you can.
League of Legends
I don't like killing my friends
The Shattered Horizon free weekend
Grant still hasn't skinned any bears
I call a bunch of people scum
I am shallow
Waxing Poetic about indie games
Games are pimps
We take a break (the first time ever)
Our ideal zombie games
Listener Questions

So what did you guys think of this one?   read

1:09 PM on 06.08.2010

I made a podcast

Actually I've made quite a few, but this is the first I've thought to put up for the loving people of Destructoid.
I feel like you all will like this one especially as it happens to have someone in it who goes by the name of Tactix. Whoever that is.


I messed up the levels at the beginning of the show, so the music goes over where I say "Alright, welcome to the 15th episode of the Save and Reload Podcast. I'm your host Spencer.
So once you guys listened to it, tell me what you thought! I would love to get your opinions. If you want me to keep posting these here please tell me in comments.   read

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