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Spartacus's blog

8:55 PM on 01.03.2009

I once hugged a man in Reno...

...just to watch him die.   read

9:27 PM on 06.19.2008


11:39 AM on 02.24.2008

Now, you too can have a pretentious British title (NVGR FORGET)

You may have heard of the Principality of Sealand. If you haven't, quick explanation, copypasta'd from the Wikipedia page:

The Principality of Sealand is a micronation located on HM Fort Roughs, a former World War II Maunsell Sea Fort in the North Sea 10 km (six miles) off the coast of Suffolk, England, United Kingdom.

Since 1967, the facility has been occupied by former radio broadcaster and British Army Major Paddy Roy Bates, his associates and family, who claim that it is an independent sovereign state. External commentators generally classify Sealand as a micronation. It has been described as the world's best-known micronation.

Sealand is not recognized as a sovereign state by any United Nations member, and critics, citing court rulings in the United States and in Germany, have asserted that Roughs Tower has always remained under the jurisdiction of the United Kingdom.

Seriously, this country is miniscule. This is a picture of it:

I have long been a fan of Sealand. Well, yesterday, my (amazing) friends pitched in and bought me a Baronship for my birthday. And while I kind of hate to tell other people about it...well, just click here.

For sixteen pounds, you can officially become a Baron, Baroness, Lord, or Lady of Sealand, joining the ranks of Franz Ferdinand, Lord Beckett, and the Baron Munchausen in pretentious titles. I am already practicing my Lancashire accent, looking up recipes for scones, and finding all the best deals on wigs and monocles.

I think you all know what this means: Jim Sterling could officially become Lord Baron Jimothy Edward von Sterling III.   read

5:41 PM on 01.23.2008

Johnny Lee Turns More Wii Remotes into Amazing

This man is nothing short of amazing. If game developers listened to him, some incredible things would come out, things that were actually not possible at all on any other platform. Super expensive 3D screens have nothing on this thing.

[embed]66446:7240[/embed]   read

9:39 PM on 01.05.2008

Underrated Characters: Dr. Bad-boon

In the past year, some of the best-written games to ever grace the industry were released. I think we can all agree on that. The villains, in particular, were all deep, fantastically written, and great enemies all-around, from GLaDoS with her passive-aggresive, always-watching demeanor to Andrew Ryan and his radical ideas about government and science. I'd like to share with you a character who, in my opinion is one of the most underrated and superb evildoers in the history of video games: Dr. Bad-boon.

One of the only known pictures of Dr. Bad-boon. As you can see, he has a monocle that seems to be crudely fashioned out of black paint and the letter Q.

Let me start at the beginning. Dr. Bad-boon is the antagonist of the addicting puzzle/platformer/party game Super Monkey Ball 2 for the Gamecube. This was the first game in the series to feature a story mode, and what a story mode it was. You played as AiAi the monkey along with his friend, GonGon, his wife, MiMi, and their son, Baby. They were likable, but Dr. Bad-boon just stole the show every time he appeared on screen.

I'll explain the story for anyone who's missed out on this gem of a title: In the future, Dr. Bad-boon falls in love with MiMi, who is married to AiAi. Unable to bear this burden of love, the Doctor travels back in time to the Monkey Island of the past, where AiAi and MiMi are not yet married. He accidentally takes with him Baby, AiAi's future son. What is Doctor Bad-boon's plot? Simple:

Unless MiMi agrees to marry him, he will kill every other monkey in the world. In the [opening scene, Doctor Bad-boon appears in his future ship and sucks up every single banana on the island. Let me reiterate that: if MiMi doesn't cooperate, everyone will die of starvation. This creates a powerful sense of urgency and suspense for the rest of the game rarely recreated in other titles. I think most of today's game writers could learn a thing or two from this masterpiece of the English language. And the scene that came next was one of the most emotional pieces of storytelling I've ever encountered in a game, more affecting than the ending of Half Life 2: Episode 2, more philosophically stimulating than Passage.

I can't even bring myself to write about it...I think this single screenshot speaks for itself, encapsulating all the hopes, desperation, and madness that Dr. Bad-boon stands for.

In the end, Dr. Bad-boon is an underrated character; an oft-overlooked work of genius. I sincerely hope that there comes a day when every game can reach this level of storytelling excellence; the world would be better for it.

Thank you for reading. If you have any suggestions for future Underrated Characters, post it in the comments. If you already do an Underrated Characters feature, let me know so I can apologize and have you killed.

One more thing...what was he going to do with all those bananas?

1:20 AM on 12.30.2007

A Brief History of Spartacus, pt. 1 of 2

Every hundred years, a Spartacus is chosen to do whatever it is a Spartacus does for the next century. Since 1997, that Spartacus is the one and only me, Spartacus. Certain powers and abilities come with this most cereal title to help the Spartacus accomplish his Spartacan goals, including:
-ability to turn left hand invisible
-power to sneeze on demand
-mastery over yawning
-power to read people's minds if they're thinking about mice
-turn any lunch meat sandwich the color burnt sienna
-break the law in Nebraska
-alter any dictionary

In the year 23 BS (Before Spartacus) a man named Tacus was born to a wealthy and prosperous family of chimney sweeps. Tacus lived a nice and quiet life sweeping chimneys until the age of nine, when he suddenly had a revelation, an epiphany, if you will, whilst sitting in the silent, secluded confines of a smokestack. He wanted more than to just sweep chimneys for the rest of his life; he wanted to be remembered for something amazing. So he mounted his white stallion, Needleback, and rode off into the sunrise, marking the end of his short childhood and the beginning of an epic saga, which will probably be retold badly in part two of A Brief History of Spartacus as told by Spartacus.


The only known photo of Tacus, the first Spartacus.

12:37 PM on 12.17.2007

New Personal Record for Failing


8:23 PM on 12.15.2007

This Post is Dedicated to Topher and his Pancakes

I would make pancakes too, but I'm not allowed to ever since last January when I tried to use only pancakes to survive. I set the carpet on fire trying to use pancakes as fire starter, but I also solved our cockroach problem.

[embed]59771:5943[/embed]   read

8:52 PM on 12.10.2007

THENIGHTISYOUNGLULZ: this subtitle removed by author for various undisclosed reasons

There is nothing more to say. Only to dream.

[embed]58838:5695[/embed]   read

4:08 PM on 12.10.2007

What Is A Fearow?

Fearow is a flying type Pokemon, number 022 in the Pokedex. It is the evolved form of Spearow and takes 3,840 steps to hatch from an egg.

This has been a public stupid announcement by Spartacus.   read

1:26 PM on 12.09.2007

What Is A Nero?

As you can see, this is a Nero, from Lunar Knights for the DS. He is the terrenial, or animal spirit, of darkness and the companion of Lucien, the main character.

That is all.   read

10:03 PM on 11.16.2007

Happy Birthday, Shiggy

Rejoice! Today is the birthday of a man who needs no introduction, Shigeru Miyamoto (The Great). Now send him all of your telepathic robot love.   read

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