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10:44 AM on 08.11.2013  

The shit parts of the Payday 2 Beta

The Payday 2 beta is good. Some things in it aren't. I would define these things as shit, I suppose. Here are some of those things, I guess.


Many modern games suffer from this strange disease. In reality, when a man shoots bullets from his gun into another mans head, he would usually die. Whereas in games that suffer from MFS, victims of gun bullets have a tendency to express their discomfort through the medium of dance. This gives them superhuman resistance to being shot in the faceholes and makes you want to eat your own head. I haven't seen a case of Michael Flatley Syndrome this bad since Splinter Cell Conviction. My god.[b]


You'd be forgiven for making the mistake of thinking that a flashlight would cost less than $63,000. Well fuck you it doesn't. This wouldn't be a problem if getting $63,000 was easy in this game. Well it is. You just can't spend it. Because having fifty million dollars sit in a room is more important than spending one hundred thousand dollars on a decent gun that would help keep the ferocious breakdancers from holding you down and farting on the inside of your mask and then putting the mask back on your face and you can smell the fart inside of the mask and then you puke with the mask on and now your face is covered in shit gas and digested sausages. And you just spent $98,000 on painting some flames on that plastic mask.[b]


These are some boring ass talent trees. Tie hostages faster. Your drill works faster. People find you slightly less suspicious. Where are the talents that let me put condoms over the heads of my hostages or wear magical snakeskin boots that allow me to do the hucklebuck which boosts the morale of my team mates so their bullets turn into exploding dildos?[b]


This is just one of those games. One of those games where it's too easy to end up in a match with a bunch of ego testicle bastard eyed shitehawks. A lot like Airsoft, this game has plenty of 12 year olds who believe that they are some sort of amalgamation of Rambo, Solid Snake, Gandalf and God. They'll try to give you orders and tell you to fuck off for not doing what they command, and you'll laugh at them and pretend to speak Russian while they scream inaudible bollocks into their microphone. And there are various other species of pseudo intellectual bastard guys who believe that they are the reason that this game exists and that everyone else playing it is merely a parasite within their domain.

Other shit things include:
Not being able to remove weapon attachments without destroying them.
Unlocking weapon mods at random, making the game even more grindy.
Animations that make the characters look like they're walking around with a bag full of razors up their anus.
A lack of missions that involve stealing yokes.   read

1:22 PM on 05.21.2013  



Call of Duty Ghosts promises to be the most emotionally charged emotion driven character driven emotional gameplay driven character emotion visceral engaging gameplay experience of all time. With the next generation of consoles, developers can really utilize system resources to play slow piano music while you stab the necks of Russians who also have emotions. Knowing that your enemies can also feel adds an element of guilt and conscience to your death-fuelled hate crusade through a five hour long murder corridor.


If you've played Modern Warfare 3 you'll know of the mystical Norse god of exploding helicopters who possesses choppers in their final seconds of life and magically steers them towards your exact location. Hatred Copter is back, and with his new ability to steer exploding helicopters through water it seems like nothing can stop his insatiable murder lust.


Tying directly into the emotional aspect of Call of Duty Ghosts are your new canine companions. This game is determined to make you cry. Remember Marley and Me? It's like that but with guns. Fuck Fable, fuck X-Com, fuck all of that pretentious wannabe emotional shit. When your brave warrior canine who you've served nearly 2 hours of gameplay with dies from a seemingly random exploding helicopter crash you will know feelings. His name was Skeletor. He was a greyhound. But most of all.... he was my friend.


Because Call of Duty Ghosts knows that holding your children, making love to someone, pointing at fat people and caressing your toned buttocks are some of the most emotional things a real man can do with the hands of his arms, Call of Duty Ghosts went out of its way to create the most realistic virtual arms you've ever seen in a game. Beating men to death with your high-res meat hammers will never be the same again.

With all of these amazing new features combined, there's no doubt that Call and Duty Goats can be da best espeierence amoshunul vibebereb fuck it   read

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