I should have listened to BlindSideDork.

While what I am about to write about can apply to any move genre, the incident that occurred this weekend happened during a horror movie, which IMO compounds the frustration. Why? Good question. Horror movies are all about sound. A scary movie ceases to be scary once you turn off the sound. So when I watch scary movies, and any movie for that matter, I am silent, with exceptions for laughing during comedies and things like that. What I don’t do, is talk to the screen, ask questions of my fellow viewers or the movie, or laugh during horror movies. So, if a movie is designed to revolve around the sounds of the movie, things become very frustrating when I can’t hear what the hell is going on, simply because you refuse to shut your mouth. Are you simply incapable or being quiet for 2 hours? Seems simple enough to me.



When I watch movies, I try to totally lose myself in the movie, I enjoy it better that way. I don't want to spend 11 bucks and hear a rolling commentary on why you don't like the movie, how you love your lovey-dovey-schmoopie-woopie so much, etc. Amazingly, I actually want to see and hear the movie. Weird, huh?




Let me set the scene:

Its Saturday night, you are hanging with a friend of yours and you both decide to go to the local movie theater to see the new horror flick. You purchase your tickets online so to avoid the lines and in case it may be sold out. You leave to go to the theater, park and go inside. Upon arrival you learn that the movie is indeed sold out, but lucky you, you already have the tickets. You enter the theater, which is full, find some seats and sit down to enjoy the movie.

A few minutes into the movie you realized you are seated in front of a group of teenage girls, who apparently do not understand that you are able to hear everything they say, which happens to be a lot. You try and think of a way to be polite and ask them to keep their voices down and tell them you cant hear the movie with them talking all the time, but after a separate patron of the theater asks them to “Shut the hell up” they just talk more and louder, just to spite the other people.

What is wrong with these people? What can you do?


You have a few options at this point.

1: Ignore them
The worst of all the options cause it doesn’t solve anything.

2: Ask them to be quiet
One of two things will happen, either they will be quiet for a few minutes and eventually get loud again, or they will be immature and start talking louder and possibly even start kicking your chair or throwing popcorn at you. (Worst Case Scenario)

3: Get up and go ask an employee to deal with the disruptive people.
The problem with this is that when you do so, you miss part of the movie you paid ten bucks to see, also once an usher comes to see the problem they have to witness the offense before they do anything, and the people will know what’s up and stop talking while the usher is there to avoid getting thrown out.

All of these options suck. I don’t even understand why people are this way in the first place. What compels you to talk during a movie? I am going to use a few examples from the movie I saw over the weekend, no spoilers I promise.

There is a part during the movie “The Strangers” where there is a knock at the door, a very loud forceful knock. A bang, if you will.

Annoying Person 1: “ OOOO girl don’t you answer that!! No… no… man your stupid.. you don’t do that!!”

Annoying Person 2: “Who is knocking at the door?”

Annoying Person 3: “It’s the crazy people”

Annoying Person 2: “What crazy people?”


@ AP1: Who is the actress playing the female role? Liv Tyler.. really? Ok well that means its not you so SHUT THE FUCK UP!!. Did you direct or write the movie? No? Ok then SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

@AP2: Do you really think the movie is going to have someone knock on the door and then not explain what the hell is going on? This is the same annoying person who asks “Why did he do that?” Why don’t you watch the god damn movie and you will figure it out, k??

@AP3: STFU, simple, you’re adding fuel to the fire by answering your idiot friends idiot questions, idiot



Also, why do people laugh after something scary happens in horror movies? You see the actor walk to the window, open the shades… BOOOOM there is the crazed maniac with the mask and the movie blasts the scary sounds and the whole theater screams. What happens next.. everyone laughs??? Why? Did something funny just happen that I fucking missed? No. For some reason people need to mask their own fear with laughter and it ruins the fucking mood. Even when things that are not as intense as that, something simple happens, people still laugh? WHY? Here is an example from The Strangers:

Early in the movie there is a knock at the door. The main character, James, goes to the door and answers it. It is like 4 in the morning so it is dark outside. James opens the door, and the porch light is not working, so all he can see is the silhouette of the girl standing at the front door. The next few moments is all silence, the girl at the door just stands there. James asks what she wants, and she says nothing. Eventually after some uncomfortable silence, she speaks in the creepy voice “Is Tamara Home?” The whole dam crowd roars into laughter.. why? That wasn’t funny nor was it meant to be. It was meant to be creepy and strange. You laughing ruins the mood the movie is trying to set so SHUT THE FUCK UP!! K? I can understand laughing at things that fail at its attempt to be scary, but this time wasn’t one of those times. But then again, that is subjective so whatever.

Why can’t the studios just release movies to the public thru ways like Comcast On Demand or PPV or Direct TV at the same time they release them to theaters. Just have the money spent on viewing them at home go to the same place as it would at the theater and problem solved. Maybe movie theaters would go out of business, but after this weekend I wouldn’t care.

I have heard about places in California called Arclight, which is a more high end movie theater with seat reservations and a 21 age limit. Does anyone know if there is anything like that in the DC/VA/MD area?

I should have taken BlindSideDorks advice and not gone to the movies during a night showing on an opening weekend. All this being said, The Stranger was a really good movie, and I think BlindsideDork needs to go rewatch The Descent.

Sorry for the long rant but I have been pissed off since Saturday and felt something needed to be said. For those of you who are polite and mature when you go to the movies, I thank you. To the rest of you, die in a fire. K?

Top 10 Rules of Watching Movies at the Theater:

10. Fill in available seats. If the theater is packed and you know people are gonna be looking for the last few remaining seats, move down and take up the seat between you and people next to you. It may make you feel awkward to be so close to other human contact, but I don’t want to have to sit in a different section from my friends because you have people issues.

9. Turn off your cell phones. Don’t put them on vibrate, because that means that if it rings you plan on answering it. See next rule

8. Don’t text or talk on your phone during movies. Simple.

7. Go to the bathroom before the movie. I don’t want to have to keep getting up so you can walk past me to get to the restroom. Make a pit stop after hitting the concessions. We are all grown enough to be potty trained right?

6. The seat in front of you is not a foot rest. Unless the seat in front of you is unoccupied, don’t rest your feet on them. I don’t care if you think your not moving, you are and if you want to be able to walk back home, I’d put your dam feet down.

5. Don’t bring your baby to the movies. I don’t care if you are going to have to get a baby sitter. The baby is going to get nothing out of watching the movie and it is impossible for a baby to stay quite for 2 hours especially with the loud theater noises

4. Leave the pillow talk where it belongs, in the bedroom. I didn’t just pay $11 bucks to hear you whisper things in your boyfriends’ ear like a two dollar hooker ok?

3. Eat before you come to the movies. I know that theaters offer concessions, and candy and popcorn is fine. What I hate is when someone sits next to me with a 5 course meal of nachos, a hotdog, a pretzel, crunchy candy and a 5 gallon tub of popcorn. I don’t need to hear you eat all that or complain the entire time about how you don’t have enough room to put all your food. This isn’t a restaurant got it?

2. Find a seat and sit down. Don’t stand around by the front of the theater and wait for your friends. Find a seat and get out of my way, you make a better door then a window.

1. Shut the fuck up. Simple. Don’t talk, don’t ask questions, don’t comment on how you wouldn’t be as stupid as the character in the movie, don’t constantly tell the people next to you what just happened as if they weren’t sitting right next to you watching it. Watch the movie and shut up.


Thanks for reading.
Soulhammer