You see these lists quite often on the internetz. I assure you this isn't just an excuse to spam the C-blogs with unpaid ads for Examiner.com. You might be thinking, "What makes this list any different?" Honestly, this is still a list of blah blah blah you;re not reading this blah blah blah. All I can offer you in the "what's the difference" category is that I'm a washout internet writer who thought this would be an interesting way of stealing ad views from another site. Don't worry female readers; I'll be posting another link to Examiner.com in a timely fashion just for you.

Tuvok

[Text here] Examiner.com(Editors note: plz get dis done b4 postin THKU!)

343 Guilty Spark

This little dude sold out the Chief for a new Halo ring. Sounds like he put the UNSCDF in quite the bind. He just wanted save everyone from the Flood… by killing everyone. No doubt he would have fit in here at [NAME OF HOST WEB SITE destructoid ].

The Medic

This German dude stands in the back while all the other guys get blasted by snipers, sentries and heavies. Selling you out so he can get high on Übercharge. Much like UGO, am I right? Examiner.com isn’t like that at all.

Al Mualim

First, he takes all of your stuff and then tells you to kill some dudes as punishment. Clearly Al Mualim is not a true gamer because killing in a game isn’t work, its fun! Much like reading our articles over at Examiner.com

That guy on your team in Halo

We all know who I’m talking about, the guy on your team who will sell you for fun. Betraying you, not taking the flag, hogging the sniper, driving slow, etc. (Editors note: U 4got t-baging numnuts). Surly, this guy is most likely to be [INSERT DISLIKED WITER ON HOST SITE Jim Stering] after dinking. None of our writers are like that
at all at Examiner.com.

Dex Jackson

At first, it does not seem like he sold you out. However, after some macgyvering (Editors note: NOT A WORD!!!1!) In the end game of Saint Row 2. Selling the old gang for a corporate job. Tsk tsk. While Examiner.com is owed by a major soulless corporate entity (rhymes with Miacom), we are free to write as we please… at a limit and within constraints and with the blessing of HR and Management and the CEOs and the timetable set. (Editors note: U R soo fired idot)

Gabriel from Rainbow six: Vegas

The reason why he sold out the elite rainbow team to a group of terrorists pretty unclear. It is clear that Gabriel is a complete sell out. Everyone at Examiner.com knew it the whole time. Thanks to the kickbacks from Ubisoft for giving the two game a rating of 11/10.

Mega man

He’s Dead! He’s not dead, only stuck on the moon! He not on the moon, he’s on XBLA! Soo many mega man game that mess up the canon. You might need to look up the whois on mega man just to find out which of the mega mens (Editors note: mens or mans? Google it fucker!) you’re playing.

Albert Wesker

Sold out the Raccoon City PD the second he joined to test out his bioweapons in live fire situations. While it may be zombies, BOWs, Uroburos or leather trench coat salesmen, Albert will gladly take them on thanks to his own genetic enhancements. Speaking of, visit Examiner.com!

Mario

What can be said about Mario that hasn’t been said about Examiner.com? “Sold out”, “Whoring its base”, “Leeching off of others”, “Shameless”, “Likes it in the butt what what”, “etc”. Go easy on the dude. Sure it’s not nice but that life.

(Editors note:Make sure U don't post 2 much, that fucking hamza abu guy will ban you for doing it too much. Also, make another account as a chick for the girl gamer-related crap.)

I was bored, I had a shitty camera handy and I thought of this.

If I was to make a game about the SnakeDude4Life persona: I would hope it was a FPS or Third person shooter, something involving a plot with terrorists and zombies (and hopefully zomerrorists).

My favorite part of older games has always been the Unlockable suits; from Dino Crisis to Halo 3. Unlocking cool shit to wear while killing dudes is awesome, but I digress.

Here’s what unlockable costumes you can get in the video game version of SnakeDudes fictional game:

Street Snake



How to unlock: Press Start

Here’s the staring costume. Not much but it gets the job done. Just like the level one suit in Dead Space and the leather armor in Fallout, it’s the most basic level of protection against the bullets, undead hands and the ground (falling on it from 20 stories is a real killer).

Most people you’ll see on the multiplayer part wearing this suit will be Noobs or people playing the “I R SNAKE” meme.

GameNARP Snake



How to unlock: Beat “Tanks for the memories” and “A Bullets market” in colorblind mode and in the ultraviolence difficulty.

Now it’s time to get to work. As seen at the Miami GameNarp. Still not the bullet proof armor you were hoping for. However, you will have a bit more adrenaline to sprint farther and jump higher. In single player, some enemies will stop and try to see what your shirt saids before saying “I don’t get it.” Which gives you time to pop him in the head. Warning: Does not work on zombies, the blind and jaded hipsters.

Freedom Fighter Snake



How to unlock: Snipe the last bottle of Jarate in the hands of the Final bosses Final Form (Zombie Lincoln).

Near the end of the game, you’ll get to the big twist in the story (That guy is a ninja robot OMG!). It’s time for serious business. Using the old republican method of wrapping ones self in the US flag to give an appearance of patriotism. Unlike them, you’ll be the one dishing out the shock and awesome in operation Dual Eagle with Dual Desert Eagles.

This suit gives a bit more armor and gives you a third small slot for extra grenades, a sidearm or magazines.

Biohazard Snake



How to unlock: Find all the red ringed Xboxes, dusty PS3s and the Wii-ed TVs.

Here comes the heavy duty gear. Inspired by Resident Evils little known character HUNK, This suit will help when the shit hits the fan boys. While not “Bullet Proof” or “Fire Resistant” or “Safe”, Biohazard Snake can go toe to toe even with the most abusive zombie.

Overpowered in Multiplayer, I’m saying it.

Usually with this series, I use a template to write about two video game guns and a piece of armament. Today, I have taken some time to play a Mod for CoD4. Not just any Mod, A SINGLE player mod. It’s called Homefront: Downtown. Created by Copbaby, it’s a Level that takes place in the US. The back story is a bit iffy on the exact details… but who cares, I like to shoot sum turrists [Bushism].



As you can see the opening shot is a hell of a start. (Damn exploding car!) Expect your M4 SOPMOD to run out. While the map offers no preset weapon placements (Except for one), the terrorists tend to use G3s, shotguns, RDPs, AK-74s, AKSUs, and M9s when in last stand. Plenty, if you are really good at scouting for ammo.



The thing that I didn’t expect was the involvement of civilians during the firefights. Remember, these are “American” civilians. Not even Soldier of Fortune (The first one) did that. There is even a scene where you and a buddy save some old guy in a dark basement from two terrorists.



The Sniping scene is pretty bland… until you get to the real objective! You will NEVER get it the first time; it comes out of left field. Then a fire fight occurs again (Surprise!) and there are only explodable cars available to use as cover. The Choppa comes in and does what Choppas do.



Oh no… Da choppa git RPG’d. Honestly, who didn’t see that one coming? Save the pilot from the turrists.

And then the Pilot becomes a zombie and you knife her in a QTE, but not before a Spy backstabs your LT and your gun isn’t real! You were shooting hot lead with your MIND! Then the Jets nuke the town but you are THE ONE. So, you go to area 51 and save the princess who turns out to be the pilot who is the also THE ONE and still a zombie.

Okay. I’m making up that last part. I won’t ruin the ending.
Overall, the Mod is great sure it’s short and a bit odd to see great looking soldier models against the low resolution texture back ground. Still, it’s a good change to the whole depressing, drab “the horrors of war” feel in Single player.

If you have COD4 for PC, just get it. You can download it here and next time I’ll stay with the normal “Springs are under tension” format.

The second amendment: The right to bear…

In the past Call of Duty games, each entry was based on real world war two events like the Normandy Landings, the Battle of Stalingrad, and the Battle of the Bulge. However, the COD series has always relied on its game play and almost scenic grand battles to move the games forward.
No one ever noticed that one soldier (on multiple fronts) was able to take out entire Heer and Fallschirmjaeger troops time and time again. Not to mention the idea that people simply fall over when sprayed with .30 caliber rounds. Each COD main character surviving each bout with the forces of evil against overwhelming odds.
And then Modern Warfare happened.
Realism. It’s all the rage. That little extra that makes the game seem so… familiar. The AC-130H Spectre mission looking a lot like those YouTube clips of an AH-64 Apache infrared cam capturing the last minutes of a few insurgents before a hail of metal death rains upon them . The eerie Prypiat level.
One last trip in to the past was what COD: world at war became. The trip was not with baggage through.

From my cold dead hands…

The gore in COD: WAW was met with “meh” for some, “Awesome!” for the blood hounds and “Dear Lord” by the old dinosaurs. Add in some death animation, a Russian revenge plot and flamethrowers and the game was done.

Which brings me to this guy;

A hapless Nazi that fought for his country inside the German parliament building. After being shot with an Anti Tank Rifle (Overkill BTW) and losing his arm. He sat down and seemed to think. About what I have no idea. Maybe he thought about the true horrors of war, Maybe the irony of being “Disarmed”, or he thought “Oh no.. Not again.”

The point is the reason why I had the urge to shot him again. I know what his animation is going to do; Think and then die a few seconds later. So, why waste the ammo? While looking at some YouTube clips, the same thing happened. The friendly NPCs seem to ignore the wounded (not the guys trying to pull a last stand), but not I. Sure, He was a pawn in the grand scheme of evil things. But what if he was a conscript or just a desk jockey in the parliament building?

Regardless, He was actively trying to kill you and your buddies. If given a chance, he’d kill you and your whole family. Did the Nazi SOB deserve a moment of peace after losing an arm?



Clearly, I didn’t think so.

Quarantine

8/10



Awesome until the last act. It’s really left4dead zombies/rabies plus cloverfield and a hint of Blair witch. Also, the cops are useless as fuck. Their handguns “disappear” after the real zombie rampage begins.
What the hell? The last cop gets taken down by a little girl zombie. Really? An LA cop downed by little Susan or whatever the fuck her name was.

The Spy update

9/10


It’s about time; Valve is really taking their time with the updates.
FYI, I’m a spy. I LOVE being a spy. Especially with my new PC. You cannot play a spy with a slow PC or a bad connection.
Also, I poach spy crabs. You should see my Spy crab rug or my Spy crab fire place mantle.



Blue Binders

.5/10



God Damn blue binder! They are always holding papers and stuff. Blue binder rings are always uneven too. Always made in Mexico and china, they took our jobs! To hell with them.



Bawidamann’s “ZOMBIE HUNTER”

9/10



It’s an awesome war poster for zombie killing enthusiasts. The girl is sporting some true epic gear: a red lens S-10 gasmask (ala HUNK), a silenced P90, knife leg holsters and a sweet axe.

Even despite my own thoughts on the whole “suicide girls” thing, the poster on my wall next to my air soft Desert Eagles and my S-10 gasmask is worth it.

MiamiNARP

8/10



Great, played left 4 dead versus mode with SakuChan and many noobs were owned.
I MAY have rattled Carlos Ferro, (More on that later), met r3ys boyfriend, ate a 1UP chocolate pop from Epic Sugarworks.



Ball pythons

9/10



Great pets for any looking for a python that not too long or have a history of being a misfit. Small pythons, very hardy. Three feet is the norm, however five feet can happen.
They are also inexpensive; buying one can cost $50-$100 for a normal color type. Other color types like (albino, pieds, black, pastel, etc) will rape your wallet. Really, go Google it. They don’t need large enclosures to live a nice life (unlike the Burmese python); most large scale breeders even use drawer systems for space and efficiency.

Coming Under Fire

After a three month delay and a series of unfortunate events, “Springs are under tension” is back.
Here’s a brief run down: Laptop broke, IRL events, new job and loops of fire.

Anyway, let’s get to the firearms. Since the series is literally being reanimated, I thought I would set a theme of “weapons that kill zombies and other ghouls dead!”, but that’s far too long for a headline so the current one is fine.

[color=darkred][Due to a lack of Photoshop on the new compooter, the images may be lacking of HD awesomeness][/color]


Primary Firearm



Browning M1919
Real life equal: Browning M1919
Game: Call of Duty: Call of Duty: World at War
Ammo: .30-06 Springfield
Legality in US: Popular with civilian enthusiasts and WWII buffs. Also, an Über version of this weapon was used by Marine Corporal Tony Stein during Iwo Jima called the "Stinger."

While COD: World at War isn’t a Zombie murder simulator by any means, the Nazi Zombie mini game however is worth slugging through the campaign. Using the Browning against Nazis is one thing but literally blowing chunks out of Nazi Zombies is another. Check the following:

Nazi: Arm blown off? Dead.
Nazi Zombie: Arm blown off? STILL COMING!

However, as with all automatic rifles, the chance of wasting ammo by “Rock ‘n Rolling” in panic situations can be a real threat to your supplies. The Browning also has a chance of turning Nazi Zombies into crawling Nazi Zombie. Nothing like having a former Wehrmacht officer reduced to a bloody stump.

Sidearm



Handcannon
Real life equal: Smith & Wesson Model 500
Game: Resident Evil 4
Ammo: .500 S&W Magnum
Legality in US: Deifying all expectations, this overkill revolver is legal in California.

“Stranger! *laughs* What d'you need that for? You goin' huntin' an elephant?”

"If by “elephant” you mean giant trolls, chainsaw madmen, raider nation rejects and an Aliens rip-off, then yes."

Unrealistic? Yes. Fun? No doubt. Worth getting five stars with all characters and all stages? Totally.

I hesitated to call this a “sidearm” as having this gun in real life would be too heavy and cumbersome to work as a successful combat weapon. The Handcannon is a hit one kill on most of your parasite ridden enemies in Resident Evil 4. This is the only weapon (aside from the RPG) that can kill El Gigante by shoot him in the foot (maybe twice). It is the deadest thing in game when used by a smart operator. No need to worry about that expensive ammo as the gun can upgraded with infinite ammo and a larger capacity.

Armament



S10 Gas Mask
Real life equal: Avon S10 NBC Gas Mask
Game: Resident Evil 2
Legality in US: Legal, although wearing any mask in public may bring the whole “unlawful to wear a mask” rule out in some states.

Ahh yes, the S10 Gas Mask used by British Special Forces (like the SAS). My favorite video game version of the mask has to be the HUNK version. Elongated for an aesthetic purpose and the lenses colored bright red for great justice. The wide lenses help when fighting zombies. The real masks lenses come in two flavors; clear and blacken to lessen the effects of flash bangs.

The mask also has a unique ability to allow the wearer the drink water through a built in straw, proving even HUNK needs to drink after snapping zombie necks.

The Avon S10 is the gas mask is of choice among Zombie slayers and Spec Ops alike. I fact, I own one of these masks. I highly recommend it.


That’s all friends; hopefully my new computer won’t ERROR x45778568403P and I’ll be able to keep this series going. Back to playing Left4Dead and Team Fortress 2.

Also,