Warning: Contains spoilers for Spec Ops: The Line.
After finishing Spec Ops: The Line mere moments ago, it’s something of an understatement to say I’m confused. I mean, what was with all of the enemies and scenery turning into fire? We were in the desert, idiots! I know it’s hot and stuff but turning everything into fire was a bit much! And how did that guy at the end speak to me if he’s already dead? Dead people don’t speak, you silly fools! Why didn’t all of those soldiers start attacking you when you entered the last building? This is all so illogical! I’ve heard people say that it’s “symbolism” and it all has “subtext” and “metanarrative” and blahblahblah RUBBISH! I don’t play my games to think about stuff! Everyone knows that videogames have absolutely no depth to them whatsoever and that everything needs to be explained in scientific, logical terms. But they’re still art, somehow.
We just need to look at the Metal Gear Solid series to see a fantastic example of this. I mean, all of the “mysteries” and “themes” and “ambiguities” in Metal Gear Solid 2 were terrible, and you know they were. What does this silly Japanese man expect me to do, turn on my brain and start thinking for myself!? Fat chance! I want EVERYTHING explained to me, in simple, short words so I don’t get too confused. It doesn’t matter how silly the explanations are, or how blatantly the sequel retcons the hell out of the previous titles, just don’t you dare make me have to think! That’s why Metal Gear Solid 4 was such a masterpiece. It took away all of that “subjective thinking” and finally just explained everything! With this in mind, here is my proposition for the sequel to Spec Ops: The Line.
First of all, it needs to be clear this this game, and the previous game, are canonised as reality. It doesn’t matter that the game itself and the creator make it clear that what you saw wasn’t reality; the sequel has to be, no matter how silly it makes the previous game look in hindsight. Right, obviously we need our main cast from the previous games. Yes, we did see Lugo die but he needs to come back so let’s say his body was recovered by a science company and fitted with nanomachines that keep him alive. It’s unclear exactly what happened to Adams so we’ll put in a 4 hour cutscene towards the start of the game explaining exactly what happened to him after Walker entered the tower. Let’s say he escaped the battlefield, went to Eastern Europe and became a ninja, for some reason. That works, right? I mean, it’s completely out of character for him but ninjas are cool and if you don’t think so then you might be gay. Sorry about that.
Now, you might have thought that Konrad was imaginary and just a way for Walker to rationalise his own guilt but wrong! He was a real person, definitely. He did die, as we will explain with an extensive flashback cutscene, but he was revived with nanomachines and had his body parts replaced with those of various wild animals, and the body we see at the end was just a joke put in by the developers, because all serious developers use the endings of their very serious videogames to tell quirky little jokes. Also, anything that didn’t make sense in the previous game was because of nanomachines. All of it.
The main plot of the sequel will revolve around Konrad as the main villain. He’ll take Walker and his newly revived squadmates on a worldwide quest to stop the Tapriots, an AI system that maintains constant control over the wars of the world and makes sure that bad things happen in them and also has the faces of the main characters engraved onto the side of it because that’s definitely not a stupid idea. Over the course of the game, Walker will become increasingly more jubilant as he mows his way through crowds of innocent civilians, Adams will engage in extremely complex dance battles with Konrad’s new sidekick The Radioman from the first game, who was revived with nanomachines, while intermittently quoting Linkin Park lyrics and Lugo will look after the child that they somehow acquired and eat her terrible food because that’s a really exciting thing to happen in an action videogame. The story will end with Konrad and Walker having a big sweaty punch up on the top of the Tapriots main AI hub that will eventually break down to both of them pawing at each other like pregnant cats, because that makes them look cool probably, before cutting away to Walker, Lugo and Adams having a big happy party to celebrate saving the world. I think that’s a fitting ending to such a series.
Of course, it’s not enough to just wish for such a fantastic sequel, we have to make it happen! All of you, take to the forums and demand brilliant answers, such as these. If you get a chance to interview the developers, speak of nothing other than wanting answers in a sequel! Send death threats to the developer to make them explain everything. If you were a TRUE Spec Ops fan then you’d have already sent your death threats. I’ve sent 4 already. They’re all just “Stop making me think and explain everything or I stab you dead!” written 100 times in my own feces. Whatever you’re doing, stop it now and start writing out your death threats! A real fan wouldn’t want to think about the game or play it a second time to understand the story, or consider that the developer may not want to make a sequel and that any answers he gives under duress will be stupid and pulled out of his arse. No, a true fan would demand answers! I’m a true fan, so I deserve answers. Answers, now!
I’m hoping that, after reading this, you’ll see what a marvellous game Spec Ops: The Line 2 would be, and I’m hoping you’ll all join me in my overly entitled, dickheaded quest to get it made. Thank you.