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Shadow-Worm avatar 5:59 AM on 02.07.2008  (server time)
The Chozo: Metroid's Stellar Panhandlers?

If you've had the fortune of playing a Metroid title, you'll surely have met the Chozo:

Samus' mysterious and extinct, bird-like adoptive alien race. They picked her up as an orphan, infused her with their blood, and gifted her with a power-suit, all while Child Services observed in utter horror, surely. Their civilization was based almost entirely on the cultivation and gathering of knowledge, and as such was incredibly developed in comparison to its contemporaries - so go figure why they didn't foresee and avoid their untimely deaths at the hands of dimwitted, brutish Space Pirates and phazon poisoning.

Luckily, they left their elegant little princess plenty of ruins and statues built in their likeness, all for her to explore and stain with the blood of space-pirate scum. However, it seems that experts have up until now ignored an obvious truth about this extinct race that might help explain their inevitable deaths.

They were all greedy, lousy hobos.

This is a rather straightforward and easy conclusion to make, as anybody would be able to tell you by looking at the numerous statues that litter the Chozo’s abandoned homes. The majority of these sculptures depict the average Chozo as a bum, huddled up in one corner (obviously trying to preserve body-heat in the bitter cold that pierces his rags) with the typically outstretched cupped hands that identify any miserable panhandler.

In fact, often these statues can be triggered into animation by positioning a large, coin-like object in their hand.

As cannot be denied by this impeccable graphical comparison.

Some of these statues are even programmed to act in great likeness to their authentic, homeless, counterparts, running away hurriedly as soon as they get their hands around your money-like objects.

Taking this obvious truth into account, scholars of the Chozo can now finally explain to themselves how such an intelligent race, at the peak of galactic technological development, could so easily fall prey to cretins of the likes of the space pirates: they were probably tricked with a handful of quarters, or a few hot sandwiches, just like all those hobos that were burnt alive in the New York City subways a few years ago. It's surprising, and rather sad, what desperate men, or Chozo, will do for a fistful of dollars.

Like coming back from the dead.

It is said that the most desperate of the homeless Chozo return from dead as ghosts, tied forever to the mortal plane by their insatiable thirst for loose change, doomed to haunt the ruins of their civilization until the end-days.

These paranormal hobos often look flimsy and grotesquely skeletal, very much like they did while alive - but do not underestimate their power or their tenacity, for added to their regular, empowering madness for coinage is the fury of the undead. There are many reports of groups of Chozo ghosts mugging women who entered their ruins, particularly if those that happen to resemble money-like objects. (Such an attack can be witnessed here… although it may be rather hard to tell exactly who’s mugging who)

So please, if you happen to stumble across some mysterious Chozo ruins, mind your money-like objects and your money-like women! Not even death can keep this unemployed race from begging for money at the dirtiest crossways of the universe.

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