Disclaimer: None of this is meant to be taken seriously. Otherwise, enjoy.

1. Lust:

One word: Mistletoe.

Also, cocks.

2. Gluttony:

Aside from the obvious reason for Christmas (see; loot) the holidays' other primary attraction is food. And, oh! The food that will be had! Many people attending multiple social events, or simply massive feasts with family and friends. Some Christmas songs will even demand (and not subtly either) food;

"Oh, bring us a figgy pudding;
Oh, bring us a figgy pudding;
Oh, bring us a figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer

We won't go until we get some;
We won't go until we get some;
We won't go until we get some, so bring some out here"

Either way, food is a theme for Christmas, the holiday of sharing and giving and gorging.


If only the cake were a lie.

3. Greed:

Its the holiday of gifts, and easily the most commercialized holiday there is (tying greed in with Wrath nicely) – children are bribed to behave for fear of Santa Clause, and the result of that bribery is usually horribly spoiled children that kick and scream and always want more.

Companies will absolutely cash in on the holidays, releasing movies, books, and games just in time. Convincing people that their children, siblings, parents, and friends will cease to exist if they don't buy whatever-it-is-they're-selling right this second.

Also, Oprah.

4. Sloth:

See; Football.

5. Wrath:

Remember the mothers that got into fistfights or completely trampled because of Tickle Me Elmo, or Furby? Christmas shoppers are the most angry, scary people on the planet. Either as a fellow customer, or especially as a retail slave - they will mow you down, steal parking places, dive in front of you for that perfect gift, and point the blame if they waited too long and missed out.


Vader says no.

6. Envy:

Holiday television/magazines/newspapers will advertise any one of three things; loot, food, and sex. If you're not snuggling by the fire with somebody, or getting gifts by the truckload, or eating a gigantic dinner with loving family and friends (emphasis on loving,) then they'll call you a lonely worthless person. This causes massive amounts of unnecessary spite from people who are normally good natured.

7. Pride

National Lampoon started the tradition of going above and beyond the necessary amount of holiday lights and decorations on ones house. The tradition of tacky overdecorating to show up your neighbor just to inflate your ego is not going anywhere anytime soon.


Nobody needs 5 Santa's. There can only be one.






Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, Happy Boxing Day, Happy Yule, and a Very Merry Un-Birthday to you!