This past weekend, I had to put down a good friend. His name was Harold IV, and he was an xbox 360. This past Saturday, Harold IV's processor/video chip gave out – and he stopped producing hours of entertainment and fun. Unfortunately, Harold IV was also 4 months outside of Microsoft's 1 year manufacturers warranty, so no comfort rested with Microsoft to resolve my plight.

To me, it seemed odd that microsoft knew about this defect, and could pinpoint my model, but absolutely refused to do anything about the problem. “Oh well, it's outside of warranty now, sucker!”

I did my best to get around the original warranty, into the 3 year extended warranty reserved for sufferers of the ever feared Red Ring of Death. Unfortunately, the Red Ring extension was for a very specific problem with the Xbox 360, that is difficult to emulate without otherwise voiding that warranty, or taking a lot of time to overheat it repeatedly.

So, after arguing with a Microsoft representative, who then informed me it would be approx $100 to be without an xbox for a 2-6 week period, I made a drastic decision. I have upgraded – that is, given Microsoft more money – to bring home a bouncing baby Xbox 360 Elite, with chic black finish, a 120GB hard drive (my old one wore the weakling 20gb hard drive) and High Def cables that don't do much good to me at the moment.

My saved up PS3 monies went toward this replacement...ironic, and somewhat sad, how that worked out.

How do I loathe thee, let me count the ways.

Why is my Xbox named Harold IV? Well, because this xbox was the 4th replacement in my Xbox 360 history of ownership. Don't look at me like that; my cats have not knocked into or slept on any of them, I have not put bologna in the disc drive, I leave plenty of space for ventilation, I don't store them on the carpet, I don't store them upright or where they might be bumped into, and water, beer, or soda has stayed a minimum of 3 ft away at all times…so, what's the problem?

Well, I brought home Harold in November of 2006. We enjoyed a few laughs, playing Oblivion and Hexic, but after 3 days Harold was done. The error message "Please insert this disc into an xbox360" greeted me repeatedly, whenever I attempted to boot up Oblivion and play with Kiren Shade, who was well on her way to becoming an accomplished Mage. Back to the store we went, and thus was born Harold II.

Harold II lasted 17 days, then decided power from my apartment was highly over rated, and even with the security of a brand new surge protector, crashed the power supply, refusing to turn on ever again. Sensing a trend, I decided to purchase the xbox coverage plan for Harold III, which turned out to be good idea. Nine months or so, after Harold III graced my presence, he decided game discs were yummy, and froze with a disc in the drive – refusing to give it back. The clerk at the game store had to pry it open with a screwdriver to get my game back...then replaced Harold III.

This brings us to Harold IV, who outlasted the 1 year warranty with Microsoft, and then started the problems. At the end of this summer, Harold IV decided scratching discs was fun, and should be practiced at least once a week. Unfortunately, this occurred after the warranty had ended, so my only option was to clean everything (discs, and laser lens with a DVD lens cleaner) which seemed to help, somewhat. Coinciding with the disc scratching, the disc drive began to stick shut every time I used it...I should have known.

Until finally, our fiasco this weekend with the resolution being drained to less than a Nintendo64 and the screen no longer showing me pretty xbox things, bringing about the tragic end of Harold IV. After wrapping towels around Harold IV and turning him on, hoping for a RROD (yes, I was actually excited for this) to take advantage of the extended warranty, that would have my xbox fixed for free…I made my choice.



Now, allow me to introduce Lydia, and LydiaII. So much for evoking a sense of reliability by changing the name, and upgrading. Lydia had downloading problems, and loading problems, and extreme gameplay lag. Apparently, one of the few known defects of the Xbox Elite followed me home, and I had to return Lydia first thing this morning.

Not a good track record, Microsoft, seriously.

Why I've stayed by your side, after all the abuse



Also, the rapid price reduction, variety, and selection of their games library. In other words, I don't love Microsoft, I love their cheap games. Now is it clear to anyone why I refuse to drop the full $60 on a brand new game, when I can get the game for under $30 used, and deny Xbox any of that profit?

Why, Microsoft? Why?

Dear Bill Gates, you should be ashamed of the product your company sells to normal, everyday, busy people. You're lucky the games library is much more extensive and varied than the other game systems, or I'd have abandoned ship, like so many before me.

Also, your Microsoft Support page is written in id10t code, it should be translated to something easier to navigate, and read, and send you disgruntled e-mails demanding free stuff.

...Until one day, Bill Gates goes the way of Tony Stark, deciding his company is not in the best interest of the people – what with its greed and lack of any quality, stable products - and use his multi-billions of dollars to become a Superhero. First Windows, now Xbox...will the carnage ever end?

Now, imagine me, only setting electronic devices on fire, simply by entering the room.