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ShadeOfLight's blog

6:37 AM on 09.07.2015

Shadow of Mordor is a really great game, but it feels like they forgot to put in an actual game rather than a collection of sidequests.


5:30 PM on 09.04.2015

Replaying Tales of Symphonia for the first time in years, I only just now realized how random the plot is. Our goals are decided at Lloyd's whimsy, while we get major revelations just 'whenever'. Still a good game, but I'm proud to be #TeamBatenKaitos.


1:58 PM on 09.04.2015

Shade's Frozenbyte Giveaway Week #?: Trine 3!

It may have been months ago since I started this series of contests, but I'm not one to forget a promise. I said that I'd give away Trine 3 when it released, and here we are. HYPE!

Trine 3 has happened! Just now!

Man, I can't even tell you how excited I am. The Trine series is one of my favorites of all time. As far as indie games go they're incredibly high on my list and they even hold up to a lot of my favorite 'AAA games'.

So in honor of this momentous occassion, I'm going to give a bunch of Trine-related stuff away over the next couple of weeks.

Here's how it's going down. Over a period of five weeks, I'm going to give increasingly great gifts away, as follows:
Week #1: Trine Enchanted Edition
Week #2: Shadowgrounds and Shadowgrounds: Survivor
Week #3: Trine 2: Complete Story
Week #4: Trine Complete Pack (= Trine Enchanted Edition, Trine 2: Complete Story)
Week #5: Frozenbyte Pack (= Trine Enchanted Edition, Trine 2: Complete Story, Shadowgrounds, Shadowgrounds: Survivor)

Week #?
: Trine 3

The rules are very simple. Each week I'm going to ask you to answer a Trine-related question.
The funniest, most thoughtful, or most original answer wins! You guys know how I think by now, so give me something I'll enjoy and the games could be yours!

Outside of answering the giveaway question, there is only one condition: no freeloaders.
I'm giving these games away out of love for Frozenbyte and the Dtoid community, so the very least you could do is be part of the Dtoid community. That goes double for Week #?. Don't worry too much though, if you're a regular around here I'll probably know you. I once made a list of 99 Dtoiders off the top of my head, I'm pretty sure I'll manage. 

And with that out of the way, this week I'm giving away the gift I originally started this series for: Trine 3.

So far, it seems that the reviews for this game are somewhat mixed. One common complaint I've seen is that it's too short. I haven't played the game all the way through yet, so I couldn't tell you. What I do know is that the Early Access levels were a lot of fun for me, and gorgeous to boot. Besides, you won't have to pay for it, so it can't not be worth the money!

At any rate, you should give the Trine series a chance. They've delivered something that not even AAA devs do consistently. The art direction and the music are literally some of the best in the industry, and I can guarantee that Trine 3 will continue that trend even when it changes up the gameplay. But don't let me decide for you, go see for yourself!

So let's get to the question already:

With the Trine series, Frozenbyte has shown that almost any locale can be breathtaking as long as you draw it right. Vast deserts, deep blue seas, lush forests, ancient ruins, snowy mountains, picturesque villages, and even a graveyard for dragons. So I got to wondering...

What kind of locale would you like to see in glorious Trine-o-vision?

Remember, your answer doesn't necessarily have to be accurate. Just give me the funniest, most creative thing you can think of. So, do you want to get Trine 3 and find out for yourself which new scenes we'll get to see? You do. And I can make it happen. Enter my contest now!

And after all is said and done, I'll be getting into Trine 3 myself, and I bet I'm going to love it despite what other people say. I hope you will too!
The contest will run for one week from now, so keep an eye on your PMs next Friday.  

Hype with me, people. Hype with me good.


9:26 AM on 08.14.2015

*Looks Final Fantasy IX sternly in the eye* You. You are getting played. By me. I will play you.


5:01 PM on 08.13.2015


9:31 AM on 08.12.2015

I'm reading a bunch of screenshot LPs for badly translated Final Fantasy games, while running a video LP for Final Fantasy XIII in the background. I've been at this since Monday. This is a cry for help.


4:06 PM on 07.03.2015

Bbain's Jukebox, Shade-Style: Gibberish

Boy, oh boy, has it been a long time since we've been here. Welcome back to Bbain's Jukebox!
I'm making good used of my new-found "free time" with a new music blog for all y'all. I know RadicalYoseph is up for more of these, and I hope others are too.

Today's theme is 'gibberish'.
You might be wondering what gibberish has to do with me returning to the blog-o-sphere. Well, nothing; I just wanted to share some gibberish songs. Not everything has to have a deeper meaning, you know? Sometimes gibberish is just gibberish. So below I've got a nice selection of video game music that has a vocal line...yet nothing anyone can understand.

It's going to be a fun one, so let's go!

"Sea of Serendipity ~ Lums of the Water ("Glou Glou")" - Rayman Origins
"Sea of Serendipity ~ The Lums' Dream ("Glou Glou")" - Rayman Origins

I went with these first because these two songs are the perfect examples of gibberish songs. As far as I know, there's no translation for any of this; it's just a bunch of glou glou. But what's amazing is that these are easily the most memorable songs from the entire Rayman OST. They're slightly weird but very unique, and they go better with the water levels than they have any right to.

These are the songs that make you go "I have no clue why, but I love this."

"Final Boss (Squid Sisters Version)" - Splatoon

Yo! Ready?
A very recent entry here, but what an entry it is. The final boss in Splatoon is already one of the highlights of the game, but this song just completes it so well. This song captures exactly why gibberish can be so much fun. I've heard it said that this song is actually very (very) mangled English. You still can't make anything out of this though, and yet the song manages to be so catchy that it became an instant favorite. I also love it when the final phase of the final boss fight gets different music, like in Castlevania IV or Sonic Colors, because nothing conveys the feeling that you're saving the world as hearing the music itself cheer you on.

And when it's sung by the best characters in the game, it just becomes that much sweeter.

"Light Plane Vocal Remix (Pilotwings)" - Super Smash Bros. for WiiU
"Cranky's Conga" - Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest

From the heavy gibberish of Rayman and the mangled English of Splatoon, we go to something a tad more accessible. This Pilotwings Remix isn't a full-on gibberish language, but the vocals are still nonsense. And yet they still make the song. Similarly, Cranky's Conga isn't so much gibberish as it is random monkey sounds. Maybe that's why it's so catchy; neither of these songs consist of words, but that makes them all the easier to sing along with.

And then before you know it, before you even know what you're doing, you'll just be going ♪"Da dada diiiiii YAAAA!"

"La La" - Elite Beat Agents

If you've been following this series, you know that I like to cheat. This is my cheating entry for today, because technically "La La" is perfectly fine English. Listen to that chorus though, can you make anything out of that? Hell, fucking Dragonforce is more comprehensible than this. I included this song because it's my favorite song from Elite Beat Agents. The scenario is fun, the song is better than an Ashlee Simpson song should be, and it's just fast enough that it's challenging but not so fast that it becomes impossible.

But you know what my favorite part about this song is? It's raunchy as hell. Once you actually figure out what she's, this girl is dirty. In fact, I'm pretty sure the only reason this game passed the ESRB with an E rating was exactly because the ratings people couldn't understand a word either.

"Kainé ~ Escape" - NieR

And here we have it. The ultimate proof that gibberish songs don't have to be silly fun and nothing else. "Kainé ~ Escape" is gorgeous. It's so gorgeous that it's in my Top 5 favorite video game songs ever, and I listen to a lot of it. The language here is completely made up, though it's closest to Japanese. I don't know if it has an actual translation like Sindarin in Lord of the Rings, or whether the writers really did just scribble some sounds on a piece of paper until it sounded mystical. Whatever the case may be, the end result is one in a million. This is the true power of gibberish.

Woo, and there we have it! I hope you guys managed to sing along with some of these! If you couldn't, well, practice makes perfect after all. Even if you have to brush up on a fictional language to do it.

But let's close off with a soundtrack that sounds like gibberish to us, but is actually just Japanese.
...well I say "just" Japanese, but I'm willing to bet the Japanese don't understand what's going on here either.

"The whole fucking thing" - Katamari Damacy

Alsoway ockscay.


12:59 PM on 06.17.2015

Hype: 10 MORE Things I'm (still) Excited About


Almost 2 years ago, I wrote a blog that was all about excitement. I was so excited about video games that I just had to write something on how excited I was about video games. Pretty darn excited, as it turns out. But that blog feels like a long time ago. So much has happened over the past years; games have come out, the Dtoid community has changed, and we are just a tiny bit closer to the days of ultimate judgement of Ragnarök.

However, one thing has stayed very much the same; we can all still get excited about video games.  So let's.

You see, despite this year's E3 being less than stellar for a Nintendo fanboy like myself (it was too safe: too much Mario, not enough everything else), there are still so many great things around that it would be a major disservice if we didn't honor them. The new 'Metroid' not what we hoped for? Well never you mind, because Yoshi's Woolly World is coming out next week!
And that's why for this month's Bloggers Wanted, I'm going to give you 10 more things I'm (still) excited about. Join me, won't you?

10. In the two years since I wrote that blog, some of my new favorite games came out

Back when I wrote the previous excited blog, I was still waiting for Super Mario 3D World. In fact, it was entry #9 back then. Of course by now it has been quite a while already since that game finally came out...but boy was it glorious. Playing 3D World with a friend in co-op (he stole Luigi from me, I retaliated by picking Toad and leaving him in the dust) was one of the most fun experiences I've had in a very long time. And then that final boss? Good lord, that was all sorts of brilliant.

But that's not all! In recent years we've gotten Bayonetta 2, Hyrule Warriors, Splatoon, Captain Toad: Treasure Tracker, Professor Layton vs. Ace Attorney, Mario Kart 8, Super Smash Bros. and lots of others! Mind you, that is just a selection of games I personally played and not even counting my PC library. I'm sure if you started looking for them, you could fill out this entire blog just with great titles. These have been good years, that's for sure.  

But one game that still needs its own shout-out is Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze, which is legit one of the best platformers ever made.

9. ...and I still have a whole lot of more games left to play

That's right, the above is only a taste of what's to come. Despite the lackluster showing of Nintendo this E3, I still came out with things to look forward to. The obvious one is Star Fox Zero. That game has been a long time coming already, but it looks like it's going to be good times. Even before that, we've got Yoshi's Woolly World itching to go and I'm all for a game that combines Mario & Luigi with Paper Mario. And then there's that one game that deserves and entry all of its own...

Apart from the games that are still coming, I also have a huge list of games that are already out but which I haven't had the time for yet. Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon is a big one there, but so are things like Etrian Odyssey, ZombiU and lots of others. There's even a whole section of my list devoted to Wii games that I missed out on for one reason or another. I mean, can you imagine that I lived all of my life without Deadly Creatures?! Okay, yeah probably. But it still looks like a decent game.

Right now, I'm very close to getting my Yoshi pre-order, and if I want to go back to the recent past I have to look no further than Kirby and the Rainbow Curse.  

8. But I'm almost ready for months of video games

 You might be wondering how I could possibly have missed so many great games. I mean I have no social life to speak of, so what gives? Well work, mostly. In fact I probably shouldn't even be writing this blog right now. Priorities, I suppose.

The past year or two have been crammed with writing papers and studying for exams. My trip to Washington DC broke the monotomy somewhat, but at the end of the day I still had to study there too. Fortunately I'm almost done now. I can almost taste it. And when I'm done, the first thing I'm going to do is choose the most promising backlog game and play it all nice and longlike.

And then I'm going to play another game, and another. And by that time I'll probably have new work to do so the cycle will start all over again. Such is life.


7. Let's Plays and Speedruns are my saving grace

Let's Players have a bit of a bad rap nowadays. It's probably because Youtube has been flooded with people who have no idea how to make a compelling video about video games even though video games are purposely designed to be compelling. Unless we're talking about Football Manager, I suppose.

But I don't think dismissing LPs like that is fair. There are lots of great ones out there, and if the host is interesting, funny, good at the game or even just a smooth talker, watching a Let's Play is a joy for me. As for why you would watch an LP over just playing the game yourself? Well, I like to watch LPs of games that I never had a chance to play. Other times, I just like seeing someone else experiencing some of my favorite games for the first time, or seeing them play the game in an entirely different style. Plus, watching someone else play a game is a lot more relaxing to me, especially after a hard day's procrastination work.

And then there are the really unique runs. Speedruns are almost always insanely impressive, that's a given. But how about watching a guy 100% Super Mario 64 with his feet? Or this LP here, where the guy completely breaks Pokémon Blue. And similiarly, this hilarious glitch-run of Link's Awakening where the host pretends everything is completely normal? If you know where to look, Let's Plays and speedruns have a lot to offer. If I ever find the time I'd like to make one of my own, but for now I'm really enjoying everything that's already out there!

6. You guys are excited about other things!

Let me drop a bit of a bombshell here: Final Fantasy VII remake, The Last Guardian, and Shenmue III? None of those games do anything for me. I played Final Fantasy VII only once and found it mostly unmemorable as compared to VI, so I don't understand with all the fuss is about with that game. I will believe in the Last Guardian only when I see it, but even then it might be too little too late. And lastly, I've never seen the appeal of Shenmue.

But you know what? That's fine. I may not be excited for these games in particular, but I know that a lot of you are. It seems to be common ground that Sony won this year's E3, and who am I to argue with that? I have my own games to look forward to, and you have yours.

That's okay; I'm excited that you're excited about video games.

5. Kickstarter is bringing the games producers don't think I want

I love Banjo-Kazooie. A lot of us do. Hell, I'm sure that if you asked people around here you'd find a lot that would pick it over Super Mario 64. The Rare games of old were just oozing with charm and were fun to play as well. Yet someone, somewhere, doesn't think we still want those games. They think we'd rather have gritty games starring Shooty McGruff. Well whoever you are, we do still want these games.

In fact, just this week gamers everywhere showed exactly how much we still want these games. We want them over $3.25 million much. That's a lot of fucking want right there. And the exact same thing goes for Bloodstained.  That also had an amazingly successful Kickstarter, in fact it was the most successful one, showing Capcom that if they don't want to we'll just take your Castlevania and do it ourselves.

Kickstarter is not without its faults and sometimes things go wrong. Even the two games above will not see release for a while, so for now all we can do is hope. But more than anything I'm excited that this is a thing we can do now. Nowadays we can all get together and decided to screw the publishers and their games that only sell on their marketing budget. If we want a new Banjo-Kazooie as God no doubt intended, then we will fucking have our new Banjo-Kazooie. And it will feature a literal trouser snake and it will be glorious.

4. The Nindies@Home event introduced me to Typoman

Have you ever heard of Typoman? No? Well you'd be forgiven, because before this week I hadn't heard of it either. And it doesn't sound like much, does it? Some stupid word game? Wrong. So, so wrong. Fortunately, you can now download the demo on the WiiU eShop.

Typoman is one of the neatest games I've seen in recent memory. Basically, this is like LIMBO, but with words. The atmosphere feels much the same as LIMBO: You're all alone in a dark world where everything wants you dead. But what makes Typoman stand out is that everything has to do with words and letters, from the character design to the puzzles and everything inbetween. For example, the main character is a figure who is made up of the letters H, E, R and O. The O is his head, and the H his legs. Enemies are literally made from HATE. But it goes beyond that: you know how in a lot of platforming games you have to avoid falling on spikes? Well, the same is true here...only the spikes are all capital A's.

There are letters strewn about everywhere, and they even factor into the gameplay. For example, at one point you have to cross a pond that is being filled up by a rain cloud which surrounds the word RAIN. However, there's also a letter D somewhere nearby. What you do is you pick up the D (ladies) and toss it at the raincloud; now the cloud spells out DRAIN, and the pond empties so you can cross. Typoman is full of these neat little "aha!" moments, and I loved it. My favorite was the word PART, which did something that was both unexpected and very LIMBO-esque.

If you liked LIMBO definitely go check out Typoman, and make sure to buy it when it comes out. I know I will; it's a very, very neat game and currently my most anticipated indie game. Just goes to show what a demo can do.

3. Video game music gets better every day

It's true!

My collection of video game soundtracks is getting larger by the day. Almost every time I play a new game I'll come to a moment where I'll just sit up and go "Wow, the music is really nice in this one!" I had it with Splatoon during the final boss, I have it with Super Smash Bros. constantly, I have it with indie games like Transistor, and I've had it with most of the music in the Xenoblade trailers.

It doesn't even have to be a video game I've played myself. Like I said, I watch a lot of Let's Plays. If you've got a good LPer on your hands, he'll know when to let the game do the talking, and that includes the music. For example, the last LPs I finished watching were Donkey Kong Country and Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kongquest (fun fact: I only just learned that this game isn't just called Diddy Kong's Quest). It's no secret that the DKC series has great music by master David Wise, but I've never had the chance to hear it for myself. That LP though, it introduced me to all of the good stuff.

Jib Jig, anyone?

Jib Jig.

2. Sylveon

- Also stealth midriff.

 But only because I'm running out of Eevee art.

1. Metroid Prime: Federation Force




Okay, not really.

1. Xenoblade Chronicles X

Almost two years ago, I listed "X" as the thing I was the most excited for. Well, titles may change but hype is forever. Unless you're a Sonic fan. Even two years later, now that we have a solid release date and the full title of Xenoblade Chronicles X, my excitement hasn't waned in the slightest. And how could it?! Look at this:

I would argue that's not even the best trailer we've seen for this game, but it still gives me the chills. From the looks of things, X will have utterly amazing vistas, transformers fighting monsters with giant fuck-off claws, the battle system that made Xenoblade so much fun, music that you can immediately recognize Attack on Titan's composer in, and so much more.

I remember a time where nobody but me seemed to care about this weird "Xenoblade" that was due to come out. After all, it was coming right alongside The Last Story! But since then people have seen how great Xenoblade was. They've incorporated it in memes, blogs, glowing reviews, desktop wallpapers and eventually Shulk even made it into Smash Bros. despite the fact that he only had one game under his belt that was very recent to boot. I'm glad I'm not the only one who cares about Xenoblade anymore. And I hope for all our sakes that X will live up to the hype that I've been maintaining for almost two years now.

Nintendo's E3 Direct wasn't very good. And frankly, I'm getting the feeling that Nintendo is weeding out the WiiU for the NX soon. But give me Xenoblade Chronicles X, and I'll never hold grudges again. And even besides this particular game, there's a whole lot to be excited about.

Because videogames are still pretty amazing.


7:47 AM on 06.11.2015

"Death is just another path, one that we all must take." - RIP Christopher Lee

Today, we learned that long-time actor Sir Christopher Lee has passed away due to heart failure on June 7th 2015. He was 93. A fine age indeed, but it's a loss nonetheless.

I wasn't there during his time in the spotlight, when he portrayed Dracula in one of the most iconic roles ever put on film. I wasn't there when Chrisopher Lee was the "Master of the Macabre". I guess most of us weren't.

But I was there when Christopher Lee was Saruman the White. I was there when he fell from the light and became the right-hand of Sauron. I was there when he was Count Dooku, and when he fought Yoda one-on-one.  And I was there when he reprised his role as Saruman in The Hobbit, at an age most of us can only dream to make it to. I was there when he rescued Gandalf in one last daring moment.

Christopher Lee did lots of things. He served in the Second World War, he was an amazing actor for the majority of his life, he made bitchin' metal music well up into his nineties (no, seriously), so many other things that I can't even name them all, and he even did some things in video games.

He voiced his own character in games like Lord of the Rings: Battle for Middle-Earth II and in LEGO The Hobbit. He also did some original voices, and I think the one most people will recognize is this guy right here:

For me, Christopher Lee was the one who portrayed some of the greatest villains of all time. Saruman will always be one of my favorites, the one who solidified the 'evil wizard' archtype, with a depth far beyond what we still see in movies nowadays. He was a greater influence on the horror genre than I can even begin to fathom. He was also someone who showed me the meaning of determination. When you refuse to retire well up until you're 93, you have some determination alright. It's something I look up to greatly.

A legend has passed on. 
But the journey doesn't end here. And I hope that, like his fellow wizard, he will have his "white shores... and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise".



11:04 AM on 05.13.2015

Here are some answers, now AMA!

Going full Jeopardy! up in this mother.

There's been a whole lot of AMA going around. That's fine, but what fun is it to wait for a question and then provide the answer afterwards? No fun at all, obviously!
So I've decided to cut out the middle man and provide you with some answers to unknown questions. You can come up with the questions yourselves, and make them as silly and disturbing as you need to!

Of course, you can also still Ask Me Anything that wasn't answered yet. But first, let's get to it!

- Blue with red polkadots.

- The writer of Dracula.

- Penguins.

- Only if I can fondle your butt first.

- Yes, when I was 5.

- Oh man, don't even get me started.

- Being a motherfucking sorcerer.

- I think they played well, but they never did quite regain their old form.

- Eevee.

- Marry Hawkeye, fuck Iron Man, kill Captain America.

- Marry Wonder Woman, fuck Batman, kill Supes.

- I honestly don't know, but if I had to guess I think cheese.

- Nuke it. It's the only way to be sure.

- Since 2010, but only on Wednesdays.

- Prima, maar je kunt het toch niet lezen.

- Nietzsche's mustache.

- That depends, but usually a B is plenty.

- Taking Anna Kendrick out to dinner, and pretending she was never in Twilight.

- Neither. Midriffs and belly buttons all the way.

- Trip.

- Gordon Freeman, in the library, with a crowbar. 

- Joining up with Cthulhu to make fun of Nyarlathotep behind his back.

- Probably.

- Motoi Sakuraba, David Wise, Ari Pulkkinen, ACE+, and whoever did NieR.

- Happy ending massages.

- Yuengling was the only tolerable one I've had.

- Peace on earth, respect for human rights, and for Xenoblade Chronicles X to be out.

- A huge pile of Dtoiders all doing the nasty.

- Hey now, that's not something you ask a lady!

- Take a wild guess.

- Titania, Queen of Fairies.  

- Long walks on the beach while waving the Canadian flag around in the hopes that senpai will notice me.

- January the 27th, 1956.

- Hip-hop. Can't stand it.

- 101 uses for a banana.

- Of course!

- Female.

- That time I went hiking with David Copperfield and we discovered an ancient temple filled to the brim with platypus-people. Hijinks ensued.

- I haven't played that game in ages, but it was really good at the time.

- New Zealand. I absolutely need to visit The Shire someday.

- If it's absolutely necessary then yes, I would.

- Lawrence vs. Texas. That case was decades overdue. We don't talk about Scalia's dissent.

- Skydiving into a hot tub full of chocolate pudding.

- Cats. Catscatscatscatscats. CAAAATS.

- 87. And counting.

- Either going to the Pentagon and finding out that they have a mall in there, or seeing the Empire State Building Christmas lights from the Top of the Rock.

- It's not so bad to be honest, but you absolutely have to remember to bring a rubber ducky or you're screwed.

- Cats though.

- I blame public education, personally.

- You, silly.

Well, I hope that answered some of the many lingering questions you may have about little old me. Of course, you're still going to have to come up with the questions these answers belong to. Or perhaps I'm just sending you on a wild goose chase because many of the above answers aren't really answers at all but just random things that popped into my head.
But I wouldn't do that to you, would I?
I would.
Or would I?

Anyway: I'm your Dutch Nintendo-loving, people-appreciating, law-studying, IRL lonely but on Dtoid usually in good spirits, longtime-reading, shady Thursday Recapper and recent Robot; ShadeOfLight.
Ask me anything.


7:26 PM on 05.09.2015

This Ain't Call of Duty: The XXX Guide to Splatoon

Or: How many double entendres can I get into one Cblog?*

Well my little squidboys and squidgirls, today was certainly a day of days. We finally got our first taste of all of Splatoon's delicious juices, as the Global Testfire popped our collective cherries. I think I can safely say that a lot of us can't wait for the full release in a few weeks.

But I can hear you thinking: "Wait a minute, the demo only gave us 3 hours of practice. Just a tease! How will we ever be prepared for the full game? Aren't we going to suck long and hard, consequently getting our faces blasted by our opponents' goo?"

First of all, I believe you may be thinking of something different there, sport. But come around to my place after dark and we'll discuss that part. Thoroughly.
Second, even though we've only had a few hours to play around with the game, we can already discern some basic strategies. We can see what the weapons do and how they measure up against one another, and we know all of the maps' sensitive sweetspots to touch upon. In this blog, I'd like to take that experience and impart some much needed knowledge on you all. And why should you listen to me? Because...I'm not very good at Splatoon. Impotent, even. On most of my matches, I underperformed embarrasingly and was unable to fully satisfy my teammates. As a result, I have gained an intimate understanding of what NOT to do in Splatoon. There's no better learning experience.

So read on if you want to know how to stand proud and firm amidst the group action of Splatoon.

But first, some general observations for those who just like to watch. Consider it foreplay.


General comments

I think the first question on everyone's mind is "Can the servers even take that many members, all begging for attention, at the same time?" I can answer that question with a resounding "ooooh, yes". Both of the times that I was playing the netcode held up very well. I did experience a couple of connection errors during the last hour of play, but I could tell that at least half of those were because my wifi is just fiddling with itself at this point. Plus, going by time zones this last session would've been the hottest and sweatiest one by far, as everyone and their grandma came to get some poon. So a few connection errors, but I haven't seen any lag at all. It's also worth noting that I was engaged in full interracial bouts, playing with Asians, Americans and Europeans alike. Despite that, everything was silky smooth.

But you guys want to know the sexy details of the game itself.
Well, it's sure to arouse the minds of any shooterfans that have felt neglected on the WiiU. It's fun, exciting and pleasurable. Even though you won't find any Deathmatches or Capture the Flag in Splatoon, its four-on-four orgies of color are easily engaging enough to keep you coming back for one more go. If you can hold out that long, of course. Or maybe you're one of those people who can go a second round right away. The mechanics here are perfect to ensure that even the most virginal gamer can have a good time, while not leaving out the hardened veterans. Everyone contributes to the match in their own unique ways, but I'm sure we'll see some Splatoon studs dominating the ranks soon enough. The maps we've currently seen are also deep and intricate enough that there are plenty of ways to make the environment work to your advantage.

One thing that's worthy of note, though, is that you need your entire team to pull their weight. If even one of your crew is firing blanks, you're going to lose. Splatoon matches are basically like a tug-of-war, you're constantly tugging it back and forth. "It" being territory, obviously. One moment you could be on the verge of an ecstatic climax as you hold victory in your tight grasp, while the next moment you might notice that the enemy team has stolen all your momentum and is thrusting its way towards your home base. Normally being the receiver is great, but that's certainly not the case in Splatoon. So if (when, because it's going to be happening all the time) that happens you need a good role reversal to keep some excitement in this relationship. You can't be the submissive all the time and there are no safe-words in Splatoon. In order to reverse those roles, you'll need every single member of your foursome.

So how do you avoid being dead weight? Simple: you have to know your equipment. Appreciate your equipment. Show it some love.

The Weapons

As of yet, there are three main weapons in Splatoon. They come in all shapes and sizes, but fortunately it seems like size doesn't matter in Splatoon. It's how you use it, so even the tiniest tool can make all the difference. Let me show you mine, and let's get intimate with some of these.


The Splattershot is probably the most basic weapon in Splatoon, and cums the closest to what you're most likely used to in other shooters.
You point and you shoot, you spray and pray. But what's worth remembering is that in Splatoon, kills count for nothing. Now I understand that when you hear the call for battle you might rise stifly to attention and prepare to engorge yourself in the thick of the action, but remember that pacing is everything. You have to make sure to put yourself where you are most wanted, and that means that sometimes you shouldn't dive in headfirst. In Splatoon, the thing that matters most is the surface area that you splatter with your fluids. As such, it is often more useful to ignore your enemies and claim some turf instead. Touch upon every single inch for maximum satisfaction.

That being said, the Splattershot is the most combat-oriented weapon of the lot. The Splattershot allows you to take charge and get in there hard and fast. Only a couple of shots are enough to leave your opponents gasping for breath, so it's entirely possible to kill them before they even managed to get themselves ready.

The Splattershot is versatile, so treat it as such. You're in a good position to splatter and kill, so make good use of all of your technique. However, when a partner shows up who has the better tool for the job, the Splattershot user would do well to finish up and go find greener pastures elsewhere.

Splat Charger


The Splat Charger is a far more calculated weapon than the Splattershot before it.
You can't just spray every which way with this weapon. Instead, you have to go right for the sweet spot. You see, as measurements go the Splat Charger certainly has sheer length going for it. It has the greatest range of all the weapons, and gets everything messy in a straight line to its target. For maximum effect you will have to charge it up first, wait until you are at the brink of exploding, let the throbbing tank fill up to the very edge, and then release. Alternatively, you can also release prematurely for a shorter ranged burst.

With the Splat Charger, your goal is to keep your enemies down. You can play as dirty as you want trying to do so. In fact, the most common use of the Charger is as a sniper weapon. The moment you spot a foe somewhere in the distance, you take aim and deliver the payload directly to their face. This gives your team some leeway to paint more territory unhindered by nasty cock blocks. Covering territory is not this weapon's greatest strength, as you have to charge your shots and you run out of ammo quickly. Once you run out of ammo, you're basically airhumping until you take some time to recharge. But as this is Splatoon, you're going to have to find a way to cover some territory regardless. I find that the best way to do this is by looking for long straight areas of the map. By shooting a fully charged shot, you can instantly take control of long distances. Then, dive into the goop right away and get on with the next position. This allows you to recover quickly so you can go another round. However, you should always be on the look-out for any enemies so you can do nasty things to them.

That's another point to mention about the Charger. It's great at long range, so spotting your opponents early is key. Be a voyeur; watch. By doing that, you have a good chance to kill them before they have a chance to come in and show you every corner of the map. Yes, they'll do that. The Charger does not excel at close-range, at all. The moment you find yourself in a close-range one-on-one, when the bodies start to touch, you had better bring a good subweapon. Otherwise, you're screwed.

Long story short: it's all about the position. Find a good position that works for you, keep the enemy down, and deliver that shot with one big sigh and a solid thrust.  

Splat Roller


Finally, the Splat Roller. This is perhaps the most strategic weapon of all, though no less stimulating for it.
As a Splat Roller you're going to be a lover, not a fighter. Rather than heading for your foes, you should be exploring every bit of the map, sensually caressing it with your brush as you go. What I mean by that is that the Roller is far and away the best weapon for quickly covering territory. It doesn't consume much ink, and it gives you a continuous stream of goo that gets everywhere. The Roller definitely has the girth going for it, and it has been well documented that girth is the most important part of a good experience. The Charger's length just doesn't compare.

The main drawback of the Roller is that it has no range going for it. If you want to squirt all across the room, you're going end up disappointed in your manhood. This also means that you're at a big disadvantage when facing Splattershots or Chargers. You want to get down and dirty, but it takes two to tango and if they're not interested in you coming closer they'll simply finish you from a distance. The one thing you can do, however, is try to sneak up on them and give them a surprise pounding. The Roller has a powerful push, so once you have your opponents where you want them you can easily give them the ride of their life. You will leave them moaning and writhing, while the rest of your team looks on with lustful approval.

In any other case, the Roller should be a mostly solo job. But seeing as nobody knows what you like better than yourself, this isn't such a bad place to be in. What you should be doing is pay close attention to your map and find out exactly which spots still need your gentle touch. A lot of the time people are so engaged in their mutual romps that they forget all about the area down south that is completely uncovered and ready for you. That's where the Roller truly shines: it'll have that spot touched up in a flash. Try to make your way deep into the enemy's trenches. Explore their nooks, crannies and curvatures. Touch those special spots they didn't even know they had.

That's how you make a difference as a Roller. Don't be a hero, but know the area. Know where you are wanted, and deliver the goods. Let the girth work for you.

And that's all we have time for now. I hope it was an arousing and satisfying read. Please look forward to the full release of Splatoon with mounting excitement, as I am. Hopefully this game will have sufficient endurance to last a long time. The last thing anyone wants is for this adventure to be over before the fun has really started. Now that I've seen the secrets Splatoon has in its pockets, I'm not worried.

Whatever the case, I know what I'll be doing from May 29th onward. I will have to calm my twitching loins and keep my full attention on the hedonistic action unveiling itself on my TV screen. I will put my equipment to good use, as I show my fellow players every corner of the map. I will spray my juices everywhere, and touch every spot that needs touching. All while the eight-way dance gets ever more intense as it builds towards its ultimate climax. That moment of ecstasy when the final second approaches and I just can't hold out anymore.

And then when everything is said and done, all that's left to do is wait for the moneyshot.

*Answer: a lot.**
**Also cocks.


6:22 PM on 05.05.2015

I feel invisible, alone. I feel like The Silence.

This is going to be one of those blogs. Over the past months I've been debating with myself on whether or not to post it, and the draft has been sitting "Hidden" on my Blog Manager for all that time. I wouldn't normally post about my feelings like this. Im going to do it now, and I barely know why. Im going to show you a side of me that you have never seen before, and Im going to tell you things I've never told anybody. The fact that Im doing it at all should tell you something about how important you stupid buttholes are to me.

I dont know what you people on Dtoid view me as. Am I the happy-go-lucky Nintendo fanboy who knows all of the best game music? Am I the token Dutch one? Am I the guy who does the Thursday caps? Or am I just ShadeOfLight, Shade, Big S (actually thankfully nobody calls me that), or Peter? Whichever it may be, I hope that you guys and gals will continue to look at me the same way. In many ways Shade is the best version of me, and I love that I get to be him myself so often. Nothing will ever change on that front, and by next week I'll be back to talking about my favorite worlds to explore.

What I'm going to talk about below may come across as whiney. Compared to what some of you have gone through I've led the most comfortable life one can think of. My issues are probably at least half my own damn fault. But it gnaws at me nonetheless. Every time someone posts a blog like this I tellthem to talk about it with people, but at the same time I've always felt like I should be strong enough to deal with everything on my own. Especially because I have no right to complain in the first place. But I think it's time I take my own advice and let some of it out. So this blog is me letting it out. It's going to be long and rambling, but anyone who reads it and offers some advice or support helps me tremendously.

To keep my current mood from overtaking me, I'll also be sharing some video game music that makes me feel good. It helps.

Last week, on Monday April the 27th, it was a national holiday in the Netherlands. It was Kings Day, which usually involves going out with friends to have more than a couple of drinks and have yourselves a good time. Its much like St. Patricks day, but instead of green we paint the town orange because orange is kind of our thing. But you know what I did on Kings Day? I was at home, alone. I played some Borderlands 2, Desktop Dungeons, and I watched some anime.
As I write this it is May the 5th, which is another national holiday in the Netherlands. It's Liberation Day today, as today marks the 70th anniversary of our liberation from Nazi Germany. Liberation Day usually involves these big festivals that are hosted all throughout the country, including one of the best ones right here in my home town. There's lots of live music, food and drink (Dutch junk food yo, check it), and good times for all. But you know what I did today on Liberation Day? I was at home alone again. Well for the most part, I'll get back to that.

Its not that I dont like these events or anything. Ive been led to believe that theyre actually quite fun.
...I just have no one to go with.

I do have friends, but I still feel as lonely as can be. I love them all to death, but they dont call, they dont text, they dont ask me how Im doing. They dont drop by for Smash Bros. and they dont invite me to go out with them. In fact they dont do much of anything that youd think friends normally do. The only time I see them is when I invite them over for my birthday or some other special occasion. Sometimes not even then. Its not out of a secret disdain for me or anything like that. They do genuinely like me when Im with them and they really are lovely people. They wouldn't still be my friends if they weren't. They just forget that I exist. And I dont know why.

I feelinvisible. Unremarkable. Forgettable. I feel like the moment Im not directly in someones face, they forget that I exist.
Do you know the Silence from Doctor Who? Theyre these aliens who have latent hypnotic powers, so the moment youre not looking at them they get erased from your mind completely. You only remember that you ever saw them when youre looking at them again. Theyre quite literally walking out of sight, out of mind. I feel like that, I feel like the Silence. The moment someone isn't looking at me, *poof*, Im gone.
I feel uncared for.

Stuff like this happens to me a lot, and it manifests itself in a whole bunch of different forms.

For example, my best friend from DC and I had decided that every once in a while we would Skype to catch up with eachother. About two months ago, I asked her if so wanted to have a go, but she told me she was busy. Next week I asked again, still busy. The week after I didnt ask anything, but I also didnt hear a peep from her. Week after, busy again. After five weeks of that we finally got together. She took pains to ensure me that it wasnt because she didnt want to Skype with me that it had taken that long. She supposedly still cared. Well thats great, but what am I supposed to make of that? She still cares, but not enough that she could spare like an hour out of her month to catch up with me? Im busy too, I have a 9-to-5 job and am working on my thesis, but I can make time if I have to.

Also in DC, I had arranged with another friend that we would go out for drinks right after she got done with her final exam. Her exam rolls around, and I hear nothing. I texted her to see what's up, and she doesn't respond. I wait for a couple of hours, then decide to go out to a party I had originally cancelled because I hadn't had time to spend with her lately. I'm at that party for an hour or so, and she shows up. It turns out that she fell right asleep after her exam, forgot all about our drinks. But then someone else texted her that she should come to this party and she bolted out the door. Where does that leave me? She's too tired for drinks with me, but not tired enough for a party when some random chick asks her? She barely even knew this girl.

It's a lot of things like that, it happens to me all the time. I've honestly stopped being surprised; people just forget me and that's the way it is. It's the smaller things too. Most English-speaking friends not knowing how to pronounce my name (it's Pay-ter, not Pee-ter). Having to interrupt someone telling a story with "I know, I was there". People asking me why I wasn't at that party last week, only for them to realize that they forgot to invite me and promising to remember for next time (they don't). Friends being surprised to learn that I'm a gamer even though that's like my number one thing. Not getting any birthday cards. People not replying when I text them how they've been. Even my parents are only interested in whether my studies are "going well". They don't understand the subject material, and never cared enough to ask me about it or to read up on what exactly it is that I do when I'm away from home. The extended family has nothing to ask me either, and in fact the only thing I remember anyone saying to me during our last family gathering was "Looks like you've gained some weight lately." Which was true, be fair.

Again, it's not like they don't like me. I just feel like I always care about everyone more than they care about me, by a wide margin. They just sort of forget that I'm there. And I don't know why.

Okay, maybe "I don't know why" isn't entirely true. I have a guess that's it's my fault somehow, but I haven't figured out the particulars.
Like a lot of gamers and a lot of people here on Destructoid, I'm an introvert. I'm an INFJ at that, which are especially rare. I'm the quiet one, and small-talk is hard for me. And more than anything, I don't function in group environments. I make for great one-to-one conversation if you'll let me, but I have trouble asserting myself in any group of over 4 people. I also have difficulties in taking the first step with anything. It has something to do with being an emotion sponge. If you engage me, I'll be the most engaging motherfucker you've ever known. But if you don't give me anything to work with, I can't do that by myself. I can't be interesting if you're not interesting first, to my personally. Most people don't get that, and especially for a guy (who society says should always be assertive) that's almost crippling. I'm alone, because at the end of the day nobody remembers the quiet one. Even if that quiet one will blabber your ears off once you get to know him. Then again, I feel like even when I step out of my comfort zone and take the first step people forget that I exist. I've lost count of the number of ignored texts I've got sitting in my Whatsapp.

So maybe "I don't know why" is true after all.
I must be doing something wrong, because nobody else ever seems to have my problem. I feel like everyone around me understands how to form and actively maintain social relationships, but I dont. Like this is some kind of basic human instinct that I lack. Nobody else ever gets forgotten. My sister was out on the town on Kings Day. Her best friend invited her, just because. Its what they do. None of my friends were alone on Liberation Day, they all had their own little groups to go with and hit up festivals all throughout the country. Both on King's Day and today my entire town was flooded with people and none of them were alone. But I was. And I dont know why. The people I asked myself already had plans which didnt involve me, and then what? How do people do it?

Above I stated that I didn't spend all of today at home alone. A couple of hours ago I decided to hit up my local festival by myself, to see what it was like and hopefully bump into some friends while there. I only met two people I know. One of them didn't see me at all, and the other one I just saw in passing so she only said "Hi!". Interestingly, the one who said hi was the Maybe Girl, which was simultaneously exactly what I needed today and the very very last thing I needed today. Apart from those two moments, hitting up that festival felt...weird. Like I didn't understand it. These masses of people, all huddled together in their little groups, being crazy and having the time of their life. And I'm walking there all on my lonesome.

I felt anxious, on edge and unsafe. I felt overwhelmed, like I didn't belong. The odd one out. I felt like an alien among what are supposedly my own people. You know, not unlike...

I left within an hour. I can still hear the music in the distance as I type this in my room. Fuck.

The more I think about it, the more I realize this has always been my life. This is not the first time I've written about loneliness, after all. But over the past year it's been hitting me really hard. I think that DC was the straw that broke the camel's back. I thought DC was going to be different from the life I had come to know. It wasn't; my friends from DC were as quick to forget me as anyone else. Sometimes quicker. It's probably still my fault in some way I haven't quite figured out yet.

In the past few months, I've started to feel like I'm going to be alone forever. Like nobody is ever going to care about me, like I'll never have a soulmate or anything more than friends-in-name-only. I've started to feel like there's something wrong with me somehow (I've considered Asperger's but self-diagnosed Asperger's on the internet amirite guys?). I've started to feel like maybe I'm just not good enough, as a person. That I don't deserve to 'have' anybody and that I only live to have my own fun through video games. Is that it, though; is Desktop Dungeons my life? Could be worse I suppose, but still. I have even been wondering lately how many people would even notice if I was suddenly gone (not that I'd ever consider suicide just to be totally clear, but heart attacks happen too). It can't possibly be more than a dozen total. I've become scared of meeting new people, because I just know that the moment I turn my back they'll forget me too. I've started avoiding people just to spare myself that feeling, even though any 5-year-old understands that's inherently self-defeating. Maybe that's depression talking and I should see someone, or maybe that's just the normal response to a situation that humans are literally hardwired to prevent but I keep finding myself in. Hell, for all I know the only thing I actually lack is a good lay.

You all reading this know me. Well you know Shade, who is pretty much me at my best. Then you also know that I'm a very loving person. I have so much love to give, to Nintendo as well as to the people around me. Bloggers and IRLers. But lately I've felt like that love has nowhere to go, and even if it does it won't be reciprocated. There are few things that I like to do more than help people. I will take an hour out of my day to go over someone's thesis if they ask, just as easily as I will try to keep Dtoid spam-free or highlight overlooked blogs. In fact, INFJs are often characterized as "Protectors" or "Counselors", at least some sort of helping role. If that's true, Peter is a Protector with nobody to protect. A Counselor who barely even understands himself.

I've started to feel like I live in a world that has no place for Peter in it. No groups in which he belongs, no soulmates. The world doesn't understand him, and he doesn't understand the world. That's why he ends up in the only place the universe knows where to put him: at home, alone. Even on King's Day. Even on Liberation Day.
And maybe that's where he'll stay forever.

Yeah, so that did get whiney. Sorry about that. I needed to vent some of that.

I'd like to end this blog on a more positive note. For all of my loneliness and possibly depression IRL, I can't tell you enough how important Destructoid is to me. In many ways, Shade has everything that Peter lacks. Shade has friends who engage him, people who get him out of his shell, perhaps even soulmates. You all know who you are. Shade has a place where he belongs, and a group to have fun with. Shade is understood. People remember him and people care. It's a damn shame we can't all meat up or play games together more often, but what we already have is pretty amazing. I don't want to know where I'd be without you.

I can't devote that many more words to you because holy shit I'm steadily approaching 3k, but know that you're all appreciated. Especially now that IRL I just...don't know anymore. Destructoid is my place in the world, and Shade is still me.
So let me close this off by redirecting you to my giveaway of some great games. I more than encourage you to take one (or some!), because it makes me feel like I've done some good for people who are close to me and that's kinda INFJ's thing. It also makes me feel appreciated, which is kinda my thing.

I hope that this blog makes sense to you guys and gals. I'd be impressed, because it doesn't entirely make sense to me either. But the above is something that I needed to get off my mind. I don't know if it's a legitimate problem or just First-World Problem whining, I honestly don't. I also don't know if writing this will help me, or whether any of you can. But I know what's it's been doing to me, and it ain't pretty.

If anything, this blog is late. Much too late. And Silence can only hold out for so long before it breaks.


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