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What with Strider specifically asking me to blog more often, I felt like it was time to get off my lazy butt and start getting back in the game. Do I even have the time for this? Good lord no, but I’m doing it anyway. In fact, this blog is the test run of what I hope I can turn into a series over the course of the year! Usually I only blogged when something new and exciting came up, but I’d like to try my hand at a more steady stream of laidback blogs. Will this work? Probably no; only time will tell. So what’s this all going to be about? Well, it’s about the thing I love most about videogames. I don’t solely play videogames for this one reason, but it’s definitely the big one.
Ladies and gentlemen, I like exploration. No, I love exploration.
Exploration across prairies, in streets, in trenches, in grasslands, in frozen tundras, through deserts, on the sea, in the air, I love every act of exploration that can occur upon this earth.
Violence can be fun, and so can strategizing. In fact, videogames are fun in many ways. But to me, nothing beats the feeling of being transported to a new world with all sorts of amazing new things to see and do. The feeling of looking to an unfamiliar horizon and going “Ooh, I wonder what's over there?” before heading off in that general direction and no doubt being distracted by something cool halfway there. The feeling of seeing a tower off in the distance and wondering whether you can climb it. The feeling of checking to see whether there is an edge to the sea or not.
It's that feeling this series is devoted to. But don’t think that I'm restricting myself to big open-world sandbox games here. A well-made 2D Platformer can give you much the same feeling, and cleverly hidden secrets can give you just as much incentive to explore as any far-off castle. It's all fair game, as long as you make me want to explore every nook and cranny of your world, and you’ll let me. Invisible walls will earn you a slap in the face, but may not be unforgivable if you have something to make up for them.
Today, let’s explore the world of Xenoblade Chronicles.
It was kind of inevitable that Xenoblade would be the first entry in the series. It is far and away my favorite world in all of gaming. Besides, that Japanese Nintendo Direct on Xenoblade Chronicles X from a few weeks ago has me mad hype for the series again. Not like I ever quit being mad hype, but still.
The first thing you would notice when you're off to start exploring the world of Xenoblade is that it's a fundamentally different world from anything you’ve ever seen. It's not round like Earth, it's not flat like Earth before Jesus was born, or anything in between. It's actually made up entirely of the bodies of two giants locked in combat. One is the biological Bionis, and the other is the mechanical Mechonis. And that’s when you know; you're going to want to see all of it. I remember when Xenoblade was first announced, this premise alone completely sold me on this game. I mean, how is walking around on giant fighting gargantuans not the coolest thing you’ve ever heard? Hell, you even get to explore their insides, and walk across their swords! But premise alone only gets you so far. You still need to deliver on your promise to make me want to see all that your world has to offer. Did Xenoblade do that? Why of course it did, silly!
My favorite thing about the world of Xenoblade is that even on the underpowered Wii, every single area looks gorgeous. This game is the shining example that good art direction beats good graphics any day of the week. From the first steps you take all the way until the last, there will be something to gaze at. Sometimes it's a huge landscape, sometimes it's a beautiful waterfall, and sometimes you have an amazing view of the opposing giant. It tends to get even better at night. Remember how in James Cameron’s Avatar the bioluminescence was far and away the best thing about the entire movie? Well Monolith Soft took that idea and ran with it. When you first enter the Satorl Marsh, it seems like a drab, uninteresting place. Nobody likes a swamp, it’s like nature’s sewer level. But then night falls, and that’s when the lights go on:
Apart from that, the areas are amazingly huge. Come to think of it, much like in America most things in Xenoblade are big. The cities, the lakes, the animals, everything provides a very distinct sense of scale and awe. As a result, more so than in most other games, Xenoblade makes you feel like you’re exploring a connected world. Nature is very much on the forefront when you’re walking around on the Bionis. In fact, watching gigantic creatures walk by in the distance is one of the main attractions of the entire game! Now your first instinct might be to run up to them for a fight. But no, you’ll quickly find out that these guys are way out of your league. They’re not here for you to kill (yet). They’re here for you to gaze at, to bring the world to life.
Another thing that I really love is how all of the areas you visit make sense in some peculiar way. For example, the snowy mountain range Valak is located on the Bionis’ chest. Thing is, the Bionis usually faces away from the sun, so his chest is almost always shielded from the heat. Ergo, snow. At the other end of the spectrum, we’ve got a lush rainforest on his back, which is where the sun does get to. Most of the areas you visit have a similar quality, so that if you think about it there’s some logic behind it. It’s only some logic, mind you, but it’s still a nice little detail.
Unfortunately, Xenoblade never lets you explore the giants’ private parts, but my educated guess is that you’d find a big forest with an impressive tower in the middle. Possibly an oddly-shaped canyon if the Bionis turns out to be female.
- Possibly something like this if she’s incredibly horny.
But all of the above is just nature. To be fair, the nature is easily the best, most beautiful part of Xenoblade. However, there’s more to a world than nature. Who live here, and are they worth meeting?
There are a couple of races in this game, three biological and one mechanical.
- First on bio's, there are the Homs. Humans, really. They live in settlements (Colonies) on the middle to lower part of the Bionis, say from about the lower back down to the feet. Their settlements tend to be pretty large and self-sufficient, so for a large part they keep to their own.
- Next, there are the Nopon, who are small round furry creatures with an extra set of prehensile arm-
like appendages. They live in a giant tree in Makna Forest, but a lot of them are the traveling sort. At the end of the day, you’ll find Nopon everywhere. They’re energetic little bastards, but they can still be quite a force to be reckoned with once they get serious.
- The last of the Bio’s are the High Entia. They function a little like Elves usually would, in that they are more developed and more ‘cultured’ than the other races. They look much like humans, except that they have wings growing out of their heads. Pure-breed High Entia have big airworthy wings, while half-breeds have to make do with smaller Asterix-style ones. They live in a great city all the way at the head of the Bionis, on a floating island above the Eryth Sea. It’s sight to behold.
- As for the robot dudes, they are the only mechanical race in the game. They're the Mechon, and they may or may not all be evil. For all intents and purposes they function just like humans, but they're a lot more durable. Practically all of them live on the Mechonis, so it will take you a little while before you get to meet them. They're well worth talking too though, and some of them give you some very important information over the course of the game.
By this time, you might have noticed how many different locales I already mentioned. Well, there's an very good reason for that.
If there's one thing that the world of Xenoblade has, it's variety. When you just start out the game you'd be forgiven for thinking that all you're going to be seeing is large grassy plains. Well you couldn't be more wrong, and before you know it you'll be exploring all sorts of different locales, each prettier than the last.
You'll come across snowy mountain ranges, rocky valleys, incredible seas, lush forests, floating prisons, robotic bases, sprawling cities, and so much more. And again, most of the areas change dramatically at night, so it's almost like exploring every area twice. If I could decorate my room with just art from every seperate Xenoblade area, you bet your ass I would.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is what's over there in the world of Xenoblade Chronicles. It is one of the most imaginative worlds I have ever seen, and pretty to boot. It's a gigantic world that I nonetheless devoted hours to scour every inch of. It's a world I wouldn't mind living in, and a world I would pay mad cash for to ever visit.
In a world of Battling Behemoths Frozen Forever, exploration is king.
To round off these posts off, I'm going to pick two 'favorites' from the world I'm talking about. Here they are for Xenoblade:
- Favorite thing ‘over there’: the fallen hand of the Mechonis that was cut off during the battle. It actually houses a town of its own, as well as a lovely beach.
- Favorite song to explore by: Gaur Plains
Man, I so need to revisit this game now. The wait for X is killing me.
Well I don't know about you, but I certainly read a wonderful bit of news just now.
Trine 3 is happening! This year even!
Man, I can't even tell you how excited I am. The Trine series is one of my favorites of all time. As far as indie games go they're incredibly high on my list and they even hold up to a lot of my favorite 'AAA games'.
I love the interplay between the three characters, where they can overcome obstacles by combining their strengths.
I love the amazing art direction. The levels in Trine are easily more beautiful than any big budget title you can care to mention. And in contrast to, say, Final Fantasy XIII, Trine remembers to be a fun game that can stand on more than graphics alone.
And perhaps most of all, I love the music. I think I can safely say that as far as the gameplay-to-soundtrack ratio goes, this game stands at number 1 for me. I have about 50 hours combined in Trine 1 and 2, but I listen to their soundtracks all the fucking time. Among all the soundtracks I have (which is to say about 30 GBs worth spread over almost 100 games) Ari Pulkkinen's masterwork is easily Top 5 for me. For reference, that's about where things like NieR and Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze are.
So in honor of this momentous occassion, I'm going to give a bunch of Trine-related stuff away over the next couple of weeks. I'm not gonna lie, it helps that these games are all on sale at the moment. But still!
Here's how it's going down. Over the next five weeks, I'm going to give increasingly great gifts away, as follows:
Week #1: Trine Enchanted Edition
Week #2: Shadowgrounds and Shadowgrounds: Survivor
Week #3: Trine 2: Complete Story
Week #4: Trine Complete Pack (= Trine Enchanted Edition, Trine 2: Complete Story)
Week #5: Frozenbyte Pack (= Trine Enchanted Edition, Trine 2: Complete Story, Shadowgrounds, Shadowgrounds: Survivor)
Week #?: Trine 3 (this contest will be put up the week of Trine 3's release)
The rules are very simple. Each week I'm going to ask you to answer a Trine-related question. The funniest, most thoughtful, or most original answer wins! You guys know how I think by now, so give me something I'll enjoy and the games could be yours!
I will also allow, nay encourage, entering for a game you already own provided you have someone in mind to give it to. Same goes for entering in multiple weeks. So the winner of Week #1 is still eligible to participate in the following weeks, even in Week #4 and 5, but you're going to have to impress me.
Outside of answering the contest question, there is only one condition: no freeloaders.
I'm giving these games away out of love for Frozenbyte and the Dtoid community, so the very least you could do is be part of the Dtoid community. That goes double for Week #?. Don't worry too much though, if you're a regular around here I'll probably know you. I made a list of 99 Dtoiders off the top of my head, I'm pretty sure I'll manage.
Well, now that the heavy stuff is out of the way, let's start Week #1 right away, for Trine Enchanted Edition.
Here is the first question:
If you could be a wizard, rogue or knight for one day, which would you choose and why?
Just the other day, we were issued a challenge: "For Destructoid's ninth birthday, write something about the nine Dtoid members who left an impression on you."
But as people quickly found out, that's harder than it sounds. Because seriously, how do you limit that much awesome to just nine? You can't! So, how to solve this predicament? If your name is Luckrequired, you dodge the question and list nobody. If your name is El Dango, you suck it up and pick nine people anyway. But there must be a better solution.
And that's when it hit me. If I could make it to 99 Dtoiders who left an impression on me, I could get a lot more people in here while still fitting the theme! So, what if I did go all out and looked for 99 community members to list? Is such a thing even possible?
It turns out that yes, listing 99 cool Dtoiders is possible. In fact, it was a lot easier than I thought! It only took me a couple hours of procrastinating at work to compile this list, and I barely had to search for anyone. Seriously, at least three quarters of the names here just came to me in a flash. The rest I came across within minutes and I immediately went "Oh shit, how could I forget them?!" If that's not a sign of how much this community means to me, I don't know what is.
I am even making the frankly rather dubious decision to keep the staff off of this list. Well, for the most part. This list is intended as a list of my favorite community members. A lot of the Destructoid staff are still community members at heart, but some have fully taken up the staff mantle and aren’t in the Cblogs as often as they should. The former are included in this list, the latter belong on a separate list on their own. What I’m saying is Andy Dixon is fair game, but Holmes gets his own staff appreciation. That’s not meant to be passive-aggressive, I swear. I'm just trying to keep this as ‘by the community, for the community’ as I can.
Apart from about 20-ish people all the way at the bottom of this list, the names here are not listed in any particular order. They’re also not alphabetized to avoid people scrolling down to their own letter and ignoring everybody else. Have a look, and see if you're here!
So without further ado, an early happy 9th birthday, Destructoid. Here are 99 of your coolest members.
99. The Unknown Dtoider
This one’s for you. Yes, you. You, the guy or gal who only comments sometimes and hasn’t built up a solid name yet. You, the person who’s still anonymously lurking on our site and wishes they could join the party (you can!). You, the Dtoid regular who accidentally didn’t make this list because I had a brain fart or something. You, the forum-goer who is wildly respected on your home turf but isn’t really on my Cblogs radar. You, the old veteran who doesn’t visit the site often anymore. You, whoever you may be, who is reading this right now. Chances are I think you’re pretty damn great. This is your shout-out.
94. My Landlord
92. Lord Spencer
91. The Angriest Carp
89. Cannibal Steven
- Likely the second most controversial name on this list, but I stand by it. I may not agree with you a lot, but you’re definitely a presence on this site. You keep us sharp. What's more, you put your weight behind what you believe in without slinging too much mud; I can respect that.
84. The Gameslinger
82. Crackity Jones
81. Benny Disco
- Please come back to us?
- Unfortunately you don't post a lot, but I still like you. You're basically Australian me, and therefore better in every way.
79. Roberto Plankton
78. Robo Panda Z
68. Long John
67. El Dango
66. Code Name Crono
65. 6.5 Chris Carter
- I'm just messin', love ya Chris.
63. The Scholarly Gamer
- Please don't freeze to death up there. We still need you.
58. Corduroy Turtle
- Your Fanart Flops probably takes the cake for funniest series on Destructoid.
56. Terry 309
53. The Emolga Editorial
51. Dr. Light ate your Magicite
- Best username.
47. Reinhold Hoffman
- Easily the best host of amazing fanart one could wish for.
42. My Enormous Hairy Downstairs Kitchen
- Anyone remember this guy? I found him fascinating, wherever did he go?
- Takes the Shade Award for Best Writer
39. It's About To Get Gay In Here
- I maintain that he needs to get his own Frontpage column. It’s way overdue.
- All Hail.
36. pk fire
- I adore your indepth soundtrack blogs.
30. TheManChild / Phosis
- And this is the controversial one. Your and Destructoid's relationship has been rocky at times, but you always came around and tried to fix it. You're also the one whose Recaps I took over, which has been a blast. I for one love having you back as Phosis, and I hope life's treating you as well as you deserve.
27. Solar Pony Django
24. Luna Sy
23. Brittany Vincent
- This is legit the coolest thing anybody ever made for me.
20. Occam’s Electric Toothbrush
- I have a feeling you're going to be on everybody's list. You know what they say, once you put a decoder ring on it, you're tied for life.
- Pretty chill for a German. Also one of the few people who can keep us loose cannons in check.
- We totally need to Kart or Smash again sometime soon.
- The Fetish Master
- A salute to the beard.
15. M R A Ndy Dixon
- Lady of Metaphor
13. Sir Davies
- *insert Spanish joke here*
12. Smurfee McGee
- You're blue, da ba dee.
- You are the music-maker, you are the dreamer of dreams.
- Two giant robots walked into a bar. Wrenchfarm came before even hearing the rest of the joke.
And finally here they are, the Nine. From here on it will get tremendously sappy, you have been warned.
Caim, you have written some stellar blogs over the years. As a fellow Nintendo-lover, I'd say you were doing Miyamoto's work with some of the in-depth analyses you have provided from time to time.
As far as reasonable discussion goes, you're top of the line. While it's pretty rare to find actual discussion on a video game site, you managed to get people to talk on multiple occasions. That's something I've been trying to emulate, and I hope I'm succeeding.
8. Last Scion of the House of Blue Lions
Last Scion of the Blue Lion
Jesus Christ man, pick a name and stick with it!
Apart from being all-round great, you're listed here because you're basically my success story. You're the first one I managed to introduce to our community and who went on to make a name for himself. And what a name it was!
From the moment you were just a cub, you've been writing great blogs on the Souls series. Some of which made it to Topsauce and the Fapcast, which seemed to confuse you to no end. I also remember having long PM conversations with you about my Dark Souls adventures and some random other things.
Eventually you jumped head-first into the community at large, and that's where you stayed. You even wrote the amazing Divine Comedy parody, which still hails as one of my favorite things ever to come out of Destructoid. It's been great, indeed inspiring, to watch you grow into the fierce majestic lion Bob you've become.
An old veteran here, but no less important for it.
You're one of the main reasons I joined this community in the first place. What I mean is when I wrote my first Cblogs I wasn't sure whether they were even worth posting. But you left encouraging messages, even though looking back those early posts of mine were pretty damn crappy.
You showed me that the people here in the Cblogs and on Destructoid as a whole care about what you write. That your work is being read by people who come from much the same position as you do yourself. That's an important message to send to someone who has always had trouble finding likeminded people.
Well, I found those likeminded people alright, but I haven't forgotten the people who were there at the beginning.
6. Hyper Lemon Buster Cannon
If you want, you can imagine me reading this to you in my Dutch voice. And hell, we'll do phone sex afterwards.
You're a bundle of joy and energy around this site, and that's much appreciated. It seems like nothing ever gets you down, and you know just the right thing to say to people. Your stamp of approval is more encouraging than any fap, and your jokes often hit exactly the right spot to brighten the mood.
You, and the person coming up after you, are one of my main motivators to keep writing happy things about video games. Because Destructoid is a happy place, and it's because it has people like you in it. And I'm not going to lie, having you tell me how sexy my Dutch voice is or how the ladies are going to be "all over" me makes me feel better and more confident than it probably should.
Without a shadow of a doubt, you have MY stamp of approval.
JS, you're in the same boat as HLBC above, so a lot of the same things apply here. I know you've had your sad times too, but whenever you're around here you bring the kind of fun and good spirits that we thrive on.
Your blogs are always hilarious and a joy to read. You're not one for routine either, so we never quite know what you're going to be pulling out of your hat next. In particular, I love how you can run with Cblog fads like excitement or fetishes and still make it your own thing. And then you come out with a list of the sexiest Dtoiders and take it to a whole new level. In fact, I totally stole this idea of listing every Destructoid member from you. But where you just listed ‘everyone else’ as the sexiest Dtoider, I decided to go the extra mile.
Apart from your writing, your comments have also left a lasting impression on me. They're some of the warmest and most encouraging things you can read on this site. I feel like whenever I do something right around here you're one of the first to tell me to keep up the good work. It's the reason why "being excited about video games" is still my go-to Blog theme.
Also, Ys is brilliant.
Every party needs its slut, and boy howdy have we got ours. You'll fuck anyone until they love you, no matter how long it takes. It's pretty much what you did to me.
What I mean is I'm pretty sure you were one of the first people I interacted with off-site, mostly on Steam. Dropping a comment here and there is one thing, but you're the one who took me deeper in the ass community. Through giveaways, chats and random comments about how you always have a hole for me play with, you showed me what the "C" in "Cblogs" means. Basically, if the lion dude is my success story, I'm one of yours.
In short, you're the best kind of town bicycle.
What can I really say about Elsa that hasn't already been said? You're the one with the most thoughtful comments, the most level-headed one out of all of us, you drop truth nukes all over the place, and you're essentially the entire site's rolemodel.
As for the influence you've had on me specifically, like the above wasn't enough yet, was that you helped me significantly improve my writing over the years. You showed me which of my thoughts needed extra consideration, which points weren't even worth making at all, and how to get points across more effectively. The best blog I've ever written for Destructoid was a direct recommendation from you, and I'm still thankful that you made me take the time to put all my effort into it.
Writing is a big part of my life both on Destructoid and IRL, and you continuously show us how it's done. Major props for that.
This is a man who's got heart for the community. You want to talk about the best blogs on the site? Make, host and edit a Podcast for it! You want to give a shout-out to the highlights of the year? Pull the team together and make a giant Year in Review Recap! You see Andy and Occam's having their hands full? You step in right there with them! You remember that Community Trading Cards used to be a thing? You make new ones!
And inbetween all of that, you write great blogs of your own, maintain a healthy IRL and get new Recappers acquainted with the whole process. You helped me with my first steps as the Thursday caps person, and you continue to make sure we don't go astray.
Frankly, I don't know how you manage to do it all, but we're lucky to have you.
Well, Ben Davis bbain, here we are. Knowing you, you’re probably surprised to find yourself at the top of my list, but I can assure you that you deserved it. You were a huge inspiration to me here, in more ways than one.
I remember that you and me joined at around the same time. I beat you by about a month at best. But I also remember that immediately after you joined, you took off like a rocket. You became an integrated part of the community while I was still figuring out how blogs worked, or at least that’s how it felt.
You almost singlehandedly got me into the indie gaming scene. Your early blogs on your favorite freeware indie games never failed to give me a brand new experience to enjoy. It got me to pay much closer attention to the games less budget but more ideas. That’s a trend that has continued to this day; my Steam library is absolutely crammed with the indie games I may or may not have known about had you not opened my eyes to the many wonders they have to offer.
I remember you joining the Recaps Team as the Friday capper. From that point on I posted most of my blogs on Fridays, because you always had nice things to say about them. It was around that time, when I saw you step up and do something for the Cblogs, that I decided that I could do it too. It wasn’t until about a year later that I earned my own place with the Recaps scallywags. I remember talking to you on one of our Fapcasts, and experiencing firsthand what a lovely person you are.
And now here you are with a real name and a black-and-white photo, and you're still killing it. Your Top 10s are a joy to read, you get to review (non-freeware!) indie games, and your Experience Points fill some of the void that Chad Concelmo left behind. I mean Chad is irreplaceable, but dammit so are you. And be fair; Chad has his dolphins, you have your squids. It all works out.
In my experience you were always an incredibly warm presence here; from the day you busted down the door with a big “Huzzah!” to the day you reached lvl. 36 and evolved into Ben Davis (Side note: you will always be bbain to me bb). I'm sure you’ll continue to be a warm presence here in the ages to come.
Oh, and scarritt? You better treat my boy right or I'm coming for you.
Last week, The Defenestrator put out a call for questions to our anonymous contributor The Badger. Our community members sent a cavalcade of good, inspired and/or silly questions, and The Badger posted what I will generously call 'responses' to those questions. Problem is, those responses suck. In many unique and interesting ways.
So that's why I did the only thing a reasonable Destructoid member reasonably could do. I went to Dtoid's other (favorite) resident furry animal, The Wombat, and asked him the exact same questions. Word on the street has it that me and Wombat are pretty close, so it was a really quick and easy thing to do. At any rate, many thanks to myself for facilitating this interview, myself The Wombat for answering every single question despite the many difficulties involved in typing with claws, myself for taking the time to give it to you guys in blog form, and I suppose some of you for asking the questions in the first place.
We'll begin with JawshButturBawls and the question on everyone's lips: Gardevoir?
Of course Gardevoir! All Gardevoir, all the time.
Two things though:
1. Why the hell is there no wombat Pokémon yet? Everyone has been asking for it, but Gamefreak just won't listen to reason.
GoofierBrute just wants to hang: What's The Badger's fondest gaming memory?
How should I know what his fondest memory is? Jeez, think these things through people!
Anyway, I'm guessing something involving death and destruction, because he's hardcore like that. Gotta keep up the cred for the kids, you know?
Now, because you must also be dieing to know what MY fondest memory is, I'll tell you. It's a recent one, and it involves people in catsuits:
It's fighting Meowser in Super Mario 3D World.
Dreamweaver is having an identity crisis. He asks: Am I the Badger?
You're not, don't worry. I may not look it, but I'm a certified expert on multiple personalities due to my lifetime of being a wombat. If you don't understand why that's relevant you clearly don't know us marsupials very well.
Anyway, the real question here is, "Am I a cool dude?"
I only have one answer to that: you're Dreamweaver; you're not just cool, you're absolute zero. You're Sheer Cold. That's right, you're so cool that it one-hit KOs people.
Cannibal Steven is an odd young lad: What's the Badger's favorite snake-related-transformation-
Again, don't ask me what the Badger thinks. I may have psychic powers but I'm not a bloody mindreader. So inconsiderate.
The question seems...oddly specific. I'd love to know what brought this on. I'm going to cheat and not name a movie, but a TV series. Namely, Beast Wars. Because oh fucking hell yeah, Beast Wars.
Quickstrike's snake is a tail in his scorpion form, but becomes his arm/laser in robot form. Let me reiterate: THAT SNAKE TRANSFORMS FROM A SCORPION'S TAIL INTO A FUCKING LASER.
FullmetalJ has his priorities in order: What's your favorite David Bowie album?
See, this guy knows how to ask proper questions directed to the proper person. My answer is that I don't listen to David Bowie but "David Bowie flying in on a tiger made of lighning" is one of my favorite Cards Against Humanity cards.
Demo-Grafic is keeping up with the current events. He wants to know: If you are an industry insider, then maybe you can answer why the vehemently "anti-Gamergate" gets so much more instant press coverage? I've honestly seen far worse things said on their side than anything, yet no gaming site is willing to touch it when their nastier behavior is brought to light.
Who ever said that I was an industry insider? I'm just a wombat, silly.
Scrustle has one of those cool plastic pipes that blows bubbles and a nice deerstalker cap: What parts of the industry have you worked in? As in, are you a developers? Have you worked with different kinds of studios? If so, what kinds? Or are you a blog/site writer? Have you worked at different sites? How has your experience working at different places compared?
At one point I was the mascot for the company who made Sword & Sworcery and Super Time Force. That is until those jerks replaced me with a Capybara.
I was also the PR person for Fez once, but then the dev decided that he prefers aquatic animals and, quote, 'doesn't need a PR animal, because I'll just do my own PR.' A tale of caution, friends.
Finally, I was the nude model for Hatoful Boyfriend: Wombat Edition, which never saw the light of day. Strangly, the pictures I shot did end up on the internet the next day on a sketchy "Candid marsupials caught in action' website.
- Censored by Mr. Destructroid for privacy reasons.
The Defenestrator asks: What do you think of the rise of YouTuber's and the Let's Play scene versus the current model of game blogging?
I love it! You know me, as long as people are having fun with video games, I'm down with it. I'm a little worried about the people who do Let's Plays of explicitly bad games, but as long as they're doing it with friends I'm sure they'll be alright.
Besides, when you have skills like playing Super Mario 64 with your feet, the world deserves to see.
Enter the Dragon! KimikoLoco wants to know: So, why are "nerds" in game journalism not held to the same standards as nerds in print journalism? What is so special about them?
I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, kid. Are you asking me why society doesn't care about the people who write about Mario Bros. for a living as much as the people who write about world politics for a living? Ask your English teacher.
I'm so sorry about that, I don't know what came over me. I mean, who the fuck even writes that sort of crap? If you don't understand the question could you not, oh I don't know, ask for clarification?
Back to the question at hand then. The reason for this is twofold.
First, nerds write about the nerd things they enjoy, and nobody wants to be the one to burst their bubble. We've got too few happy things as it is, and removing a sparkle of Nerd Joy(TM) from the world is something few people would want on their conscious.
Second, nerds are not held to the same standards because unbeknownst to anyone, nerds posess powerful magical abilities that could spell the end of the world as we know it of we pissed them off too much. Push a nerd just a little too much, and they develop acute telepathy with which they'll make you think you just got a leg cramp. That is an agony we should all strive to avoid, and that's why we cut nerds some slack when they don't jurnalizmer hard enough.
Destructoid's resident magical girl Brittany Vincent has a fastball, high and inside: Why are you so afraid of coming out and saying the things you do using your real name? You're "in the right," at least in your eyes, so why not go public with your opinions? You mock journalists for obeying rules so as to not lose their jobs, but yet you fear for the loss of your own?
Oh Brittany, Brittany, Brittany. If that is your real name.
I remain anonymous for one reason only, and that is that I have to protect my secret identity. Remember that time in Iron Man 3 where he invited his enemies to come blow up his house, and that's exactly what they did? Well, I don't want to be that guy. I don't have an army of superadvanced power armor to keep myself safe. I mean I've got that old hand-me-down I got from Samus, but it doesn't fit and the whole rolling up into a ball thing is killer on my back.
It's a dangerous business, playing video games and liking them. What if I didn't like a game hard enough, and people would try to tell me I was wrong?! It would be chaos, surely. Can't have that.
Oh, and for the record: I only mock jurnalizmers lovingly.
Handy also wants to clear the air: You’ve expressed contempt for gamers, publishers, PR, journalists, critics, their audience, and developers of both indie and AAA games, why continue to work in an industry that doesn’t pay well and where you hate everybody?
Handy, I'm hurt. I never said any of those things! Maybe you didn't quite understand my first blog or something? I don't know what happened here, but let me just spell it out to avoid further confusion: I love gamers, (some) publishers, PR, journalists (I'm not entirely sure what those are to be honest, are they kind of like jurnalizmers?) and developers of both indie and AAA games.
I continue to work in this industry because even though it doesn't pay well I love everybody. Also, because this is the industry that gave the world this:
That is a service that deserves to be repaid.
PhilKenSebben is taking a short break from his usual debauchery to wonder: Why should anyone believe you or care about what you say? You give no facts to anything that isn't already public knowledge, name no names and are just a moniker, ranting on a blog.
There is a very good reason why you should believe me: you know I'm right. I love video games, you love video games. I love Destructoid, you love Destructoid. And when people agree with you, that means nobody can ever criticize you anymore ever. It's all very straightforward really.
Additionally, when I was 16 I was cursed by a witch (of the sexy variety, fortunately) so that I won't be able to tell lies ever again. Go ask her, I'll wait.
Papa Bear Neiro is considering a career change: Teachers get paid less than McDonald's managers. Can get them some Nintendos?
Oh heck yes we can get them some Nintendos! We should ask RedHeadPeak about distributing some 3DSes among teachers, I'm sure he'd be down with it. I'm not paying for it though, fair warning.
Destructoid's "Chilly" Bill Platt turns up the heat: If you knew about the rampant corruption as far back as 8 years ago, why did you wait so long to say something?
I'm not entirely sure what you mean by "rampant corruption", but I do know that Metroid Prime 3: Corruption came out 8 years ago, so I'm just going to assume you mean that. So why didn't I say something about it back then? I was too busy playing it, obviously!
But sure, I'll do some catching up: Metroid Prime 3 is a great game. The new Wii control scheme works like a dream, the environments look better than ever (dat Skytown) and people like Rundas are some of the better new additions to the series. It may not quite be on par with Metroid Prime 1, but it's a very worthy entry in the series. Be sure to pick up Metroid Prime Trilogy once it comes up in the WiiU eShop!
EdgyDude will cut you if you don't answer: Why post here? I mean why of all sites that could host your opinion why pick the one that decided to be neutral and stay out of this whole GG issue from the start? Why not post in another site that falls in line with your POV instead of this one
Jeez, someone clearly doesn't want me around. What did I ever do to you, EdgyDude? Fine, I'll leave just for you, I hope you're proud of yourself. I'm not going to cry either.
Don't touch me.
Fuck, now look what you did.
Sir Davies just finished the 50 Shades Of Grey books and desperately needs to know: Do you look yourself in the mirror when you masturbate?
Have you ever seen wombat claws? The last time I masturbated I was at the vet's for a week.
hlarge4 is in the midst of an existential crisis: Am I part of the problem if I just want to play games?
You're part of the solution, my friend. Not like that EdgyDude up there, the big meaniepants. If anything we need more people like you who can just sit back and enjoy the things specifically made to be enjoyable. Play the games you want to play, have fun, and let nobody tell you otherwise.
MuppetTechNews menah menah: why is holmes such a wuss? as in why play the neutral game so much..its annoying.
Holmes is kind of like Nintendo in that we all love him but sometimes we just don't really understand what he's doing. He works in strange ways.
Ragnar DragonFyre has gazed into the abyss and would like to know: What's it feel like to tell the truth, only to have your audience get offended by the truth? Does it make you want to give up or re-double your efforts?
Oh dear, I offended people?! Ohshitohshitohshitohshiiiiii-
Who are they, where can I find them, and what kind of candy do they like? I'm going to make it up to them ASAP. I suppose that counts as "re-doubling my efforts"? In that case, there's your answer.
JoeyMcJoeJoey is not to be trifled with, sir: Badger. Do you believe you're the hero gaming deserves? Or the one it needs? And secondly: Wanna fight?
It's Wombat, thankyouverymuch. Mister Wombat to my girlfriend, Doctor Wombato to that weird hobo down the street. At any rate, I'm not a hero. We've been over this. I'm also not a big fan of the Nolan Batman movies, so the whole deserves vs. needs things is kind of lost on me. However, I do dance with the devil in the pale moonlight.
As for the second question, hit me up in Smash Bros. I'll give you a grand helping of Luigi to the face.
pk fire wants you get comfortable and maybe give you a surprise back massage: What was your most awkward experience in your professional working environment?
The fucking Capybara, above. That just hurt, man. We had such a good thing going on, and then they fire me for a capybara of all things? Who the hell chooses a capybara over me?!
Retrofraction is a stickler for good hygene: What conditioner does the Badger use on its fur?
According to the Badger himself: "The same stuff Jesse Venture waxes his mustache with."
I'm going to have to try that.
Isay Isay say: So is the whole Badger persona a cathartic exercise for you?
I don't know if the Badger is a 'persona' or totally legit. If nothing else it's not cathartic for me, because I'm not the Badger. I'm honestly starting to wonder when this will finally get through to you people. I'm going to give Shade a real talking-to for getting me into this without checking out the questions first. IT WAS THE LEAST YOU COULD DO SHADE! I could have been playing Bayonetta 2 instead of doing this and you couldn't even be bothered to check whether I could actually answer any of these questions?
Finally, Reinhold Hoffman wears his sunglasses indoors and already knows the answer but asks regardless: Who are your favorite commenters on Destructoid?
ShadeOfLight seems like a swell guy when he's not tricking me into these kinds of interviews. Other than that, I know that Destructoid has some Canadian commenters and I can say from experience that Canadians are great.
Actually, most of the regular commenters are my favorite. Not to mention the sexiest. That Nekrosys dude worries me though, he keeps trying to turn me into a platypus. Do you have any idea how much it hurts growing a beak?!
- Pictured: agony.
A big thanks to the Wombat for answering all of our questions. I apologize for putting him through this, but something had to be done.
Lately we've had some people here who thought they could turn us on by listing some of their favorite fetishes in video games and otherwise. Well I think I speak for at least one person when I say that they utterly failed. I mean, spiders? Eight legs, but no skill. Succubi? Who the fuck would be turned on by a literal seductive sex demon? And humans? That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. I mean, have you even SEEN me? Not in a million years.
So instead, let me do this the right way. These are the things that get me turned on. I'm pretty sure that means they are the universal standard of sexiness, because that is precisely how fetishes work. Also fair warning: all or some of these may actually be true.
10. Destructoid Cblogs fads
- When we all join in.
There's nothing better than some group action if you ask me. And if the group in question consists of all of our Dtoid friends, it's like a little slice of heaven coated in paradise. That's why I love it whenever the Cblogs gets a new blog fad going. Dibs, fetishes, random excitement, 10 things, it's all in good fun.
Sometimes I like to start, sometimes I like to join in later, and sometimes I just like to watch. Whatever the scenario, one thing's for sure: it always gets me off.
- Dem curves.
There's something profoundly erotic about bows. The curve of the wood, the tightness of the string, the tension before release, the arrow plunging straight into its soft fleshy target...
Okay so I just made all of that up on the spot. But damned if it didn't sound convincing.
Whatever the case may be, at the end of the day bows are just cool, as are the folks who wield them. None of this "up close and personal" bullcrap, just a nice clean shot from several yards away is all you ever needed.
8. Femme Fatales
- Danger is sexy.
There are so many examples here; you've got vampires, demons, assassins, witches, and who knows what else. Not succubi though, that'd just be weird. It's often said that women go for the bad boys, but if we're going to be honest with ourselves, men aren't that different. There's something to be said about the woman who could rip either of your heads off if you so much as looked at her wrong. An air of mystery, of danger, goes a long way sometimes.
Especially of they look like this:
- Awesome rack on her though.
- Lean green sex machine
What, do I really have to repeat myself? WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS. Everyone is already firmly aware about Luigi's appeal, and then some.
6. Cat girls
One could theoretically argue that "cat girl" falls under "dangerous" and is thus already covered by entry #8. To that I say "Shut the hell up, it's hard enough to come up with 10 of these as is!"
Besides, don't cat girls have a sex appeal all of their own? You know they do! The cute little ears, the (hopefully prehensile) tail, the eyes, the agility, the fur and claws: cat girls are the whole package! That is if you weren't looking for anything doglike, but let's not kid ourselves here.
Let me give you an example. Do you know how sexy Rosalina usually is? Actually pretty sexy, but there's only so much you can do while trying to retain that regal air about you. So let's see what happens when we cattify her:
Hot dang son, girl cleans up nice.
That's the power of cats right there. And Rosalina's not even a natural catgirl! Watch what happens when we find someone au naturel.
Truly, their own spot is well deserved. And not just to drag this out to 10 entries I swear.
5. Credits Music
- The afterglow.
JoyfulSanity says that Battle Themes are often great. He's not wrong, but I've got a different proposition. The best, and therefore sexiest, music in video games is also some of the most underappreciated.
Can you hear the sexy oozing from that song? It's like porn for your ears.
The Credits Theme is almost always one of my favorite songs on the entire OST, even though you're only likely to hear it once. Maybe a handful of times if the credits aren't skippable. I love them because there's often such an amazing sense of accomplishment associated with them. You just beat the final boss, saved the world, and now you're being treated with a victory lap of amazing music accompanying the names of awesome people.
The game is doing nothing short of celebrating you, and the music is specifically made to convey that perfectly. It's the best feeling ever.
(Note to self: this entry needs to be a full blog someday)
4. Art Styles
- Draw me like one of your Japanese watercolors.
Realism is boring. There, I said it. Games trying to emulate reality as best they can with CGI are completely on the wrong track. The Dead or Alive girls aren't hot; they're just creepy. They're lifeless and weird and gross.
- With some exceptions.
What you should do to make your game look as sexy as possible is something completely different. You have to develop your own style to stand out from the crowd. Use that color, accentuate those lines! Do whatever you need to do to make people notice you. It's how old 16-bit sprites still manage to look good today, while the polygons of yesterday have aged faster than prepubescent boys could fap to them.
Okami? Show us how it's done.
Oh yeah. Just look at that art. Isn't that just the artiest? It is.
Holly Valance eat your heart out. (Also, marry me?)
- Where you see "palette swap", I see "threesome".
Have you ever come across a woman who was so beautiful that you thought to yourself: "Damn, I wish there were more of her!"? I know I have.
Well that, my friends, is exactly the kind of predicament God invented twins for. Or in the land of video games; palette swaps. You can have two of Samus:
More Kirbys than you'll know what to do with (if you lack imagination):
And finally, alternate timeline Lucinas:
- T&A is overrated.
If you scroll up just a little bit, you may or may not notice how most of these people are covered to a more or lesser extent, but still manage to show off their midriff. There's a very good reason for this, namely that there's nothing sexier than a well-toned core.
Don't believe me? Feast thine eyes.
(...What? Just because I'M into girls doesn't mean I can't be objective about this!)
You knew Eevee was cute. Fluffy. Adorable even. The adorablest. But did you know that Eevee's sexy too?
You do now. You're welcome.